WOMAN FINALLY STOPS WATCHING FILM CONTINUOUSLY, LEARNS THAT SHE BROKE RECORD YEARS AGO

By Animated Correspondent Liu Kangaroo An unemployed woman from Luton has finally stopped watching the 1994 Disney classic The Lion King on a continuous loop, just over 25 years since she first started. Caroline Ursine, 44, begun the marathon binge watch way back in 1995 while she was drunk, at a time when VHS wasContinue reading “WOMAN FINALLY STOPS WATCHING FILM CONTINUOUSLY, LEARNS THAT SHE BROKE RECORD YEARS AGO”

SUPER VILLAIN INCREDULOUS OVER STORY OF HOW LOCAL HERO FOUND OUT HIS WHEREABOUTS

By Resident Fictional Story Expert Harold Alloallo A disgraced scientist from Cambridge, 50-year old Eric Ernieson, had a plan to take over the world in a very implausible manner, but he was apparently scuppered last week in an equally implausible manner. According to reports, Mr Ernieson was involved in a science experiment in which resultedContinue reading “SUPER VILLAIN INCREDULOUS OVER STORY OF HOW LOCAL HERO FOUND OUT HIS WHEREABOUTS”

MAN UNSUCCESSFUL IN JOB INTERVIEW, DECIDES TO GO BACK INTO SHOP AT LATER DATE AS JUDGE

By Employment Correspondent Trent Zerohours An unemployed scrounger, 25-year old Dave Tennents, from Yeovil, has just been through yet another emotional ordeal, as he received an email saying he hadn’t got the job that he was interviewed for. Mr Tennents has been here before so many times, and despite his efforts, he’s still unable toContinue reading “MAN UNSUCCESSFUL IN JOB INTERVIEW, DECIDES TO GO BACK INTO SHOP AT LATER DATE AS JUDGE”

EMBARRASSING PAST OF FEARSOME SERVANTS FOR CONFLICTED SPACE JERK UNEARTHED, SHATTERING THEIR IMAGE

By Music Correspondent Corey Abdominals A small number of old music videos have surfaced online featuring a boy band long forgotten about, to which the identity of the group members has been kept secret until recently. An anonymous source confirmed that it’s the Knights of Ren, the masked warriors who currently go around being fearsomeContinue reading “EMBARRASSING PAST OF FEARSOME SERVANTS FOR CONFLICTED SPACE JERK UNEARTHED, SHATTERING THEIR IMAGE”

PUBLIC OUTRAGE AS ROYALS REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE REFUSE COLLECTOR’S BIRTHDAY

By Royal Correspondent Giles Volauvent-Rocher The furore surrounding the royal family over their reluctance to do anything for the upcoming birthday of celebrated local bin man Ern Crackdown, has reached fever pitch. Mr Crackdown has been doing the bins in the Kensington area for over 40 years now, and such is his popularity among hisContinue reading “PUBLIC OUTRAGE AS ROYALS REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE REFUSE COLLECTOR’S BIRTHDAY”

BREAKTHROUGH IN RECENT LEGAL CASE FORCES CHANGES IN HOW ARGUMENTS CAN BE CONCLUDED

By Legal Correspondent Karl Directives The recent court case involving a married couple’s argument which ultimately led to their respective cars being overturned outside their house, has been seen as a landmark in legal history. Harvey and Selena Turpin, from Neath in Wales, were discussing holidays one morning, which shortly became an alcohol-fuelled fist fightContinue reading “BREAKTHROUGH IN RECENT LEGAL CASE FORCES CHANGES IN HOW ARGUMENTS CAN BE CONCLUDED”

CLOSE FRIEND OF LOCAL DRUNKARD SEEKS ADVICE FROM EXPERT REGARDING POSSIBLE MULTIVERSE CONUNDRUM

By Resident Theoretical Expert Dave Schrodinger Last Tuesday was like any other day for 43-year old Tegs Grange. He was sat on a park bench in rainy Seathwaite in Cumbria, with his close friend on benefits Hilda Triforce, each with a hearty bag of strong lager, watching the world go by and commenting on moreContinue reading “CLOSE FRIEND OF LOCAL DRUNKARD SEEKS ADVICE FROM EXPERT REGARDING POSSIBLE MULTIVERSE CONUNDRUM”

OPEN WORLD VIDEO GAME BASED ON POPULAR SOAP OPERA BECOMES MOST RETURNED GAME EVER

By Video Games Correspondent Nicholas Berrington The developers responsible for the new game based on the popular soap opera EastEnders, Dirtydenami, have finally responded to the news that their game has beaten the record number of returned games ever. The game, EastEnders: The Game: A Game About EastEnders, has been heavily criticised for the lackContinue reading “OPEN WORLD VIDEO GAME BASED ON POPULAR SOAP OPERA BECOMES MOST RETURNED GAME EVER”

FANS OF FAVOURITE PASTIME FOR BRITS RECEIVE BOOST OF CONFIDENCE FROM LARGE CORPORATIONS

By Resident Customer Analysis Expert Martin Holdmusic Whenever there’s a questionnaire focusing on the favourite pastimes for people living in the UK, the one response that always crops up is complaining. This pastime – along with queueing and prudishness when it comes to, whisper it, S-E-X – is seen by the rest of the worldContinue reading “FANS OF FAVOURITE PASTIME FOR BRITS RECEIVE BOOST OF CONFIDENCE FROM LARGE CORPORATIONS”

GOVERNMENT LOOKING FOR NEW IDEA TO TAKE AGES TO SORT OUT AFTER BREXIT SUCCESS

By Political Correspondent Tommy Firearm The recent passing of some bill or other which allowed Great Britain to free itself from the EU has been seen as a ratings winner, according to the Conservative government. The debate had divided the country for over three and a half years, and in that time every media outlet,Continue reading “GOVERNMENT LOOKING FOR NEW IDEA TO TAKE AGES TO SORT OUT AFTER BREXIT SUCCESS”