HAUGHTY ROY

Hi, this story is dedicated to Terry Jones, who sadly died today, and I felt I wanted to do something (completely) different. It’s people like Terry, with his work on Monty Python and the films he directed, who have had a profound influence on me and helped shape my sense of humour and creativity. WithoutContinue reading “HAUGHTY ROY”

MAYOR IGNORES OUTCRY AS HE MOVES FORWARD WITH DECISION TO UPDATE LOCAL CURRENCY OF TOWN

By Financial Correspondent Larcen Maneface The controversial mayor of North Yorkshire town Whitby, Callum Wanquo, has ignored the town’s – and by extension the whole of the UK’s – protestations, by forging ahead on his scheme to update the town’s currency to a more ‘future-proof’ system. He believes that having money in Credits, like inContinue reading “MAYOR IGNORES OUTCRY AS HE MOVES FORWARD WITH DECISION TO UPDATE LOCAL CURRENCY OF TOWN”

CHILD’S THEORY ON HISTORY OF EXISTENCE CAUSES CONTROVERSIAL INQUIRY AT SCHOOL

By Education Correspondent Vinny “Claw” Hammer Teachers at St. Ironfist Primary School in Barnet have recently relented to a pupil’s insistence that the existence of all things began in 1954. Little Bryan Panda, who’s nearly 5, came to this conclusion when he found out that his Grandad Ern was born in 1954. As Ern isContinue reading “CHILD’S THEORY ON HISTORY OF EXISTENCE CAUSES CONTROVERSIAL INQUIRY AT SCHOOL”

TERMINATOR FRANCHISE SET TO CONTINUE DESPITE POOR PERFORMANCE OF THE LAST FILM

By Resident Movie Reviewer Bambos Gascoignos Spoiler alert! The most recent film in the Terminator series, Dark Fate, ended up underperforming at the box office and was met with mixed reviews when it was released last year. There was a cautious optimism for the film, as James Cameron was involved again, and the fact thatContinue reading “TERMINATOR FRANCHISE SET TO CONTINUE DESPITE POOR PERFORMANCE OF THE LAST FILM”

BURGER VAN EXPERT COMES UP WITH SCHEME TO SOLVE POTENTIAL MELTDOWN IN UK’S FUTURE

By Resident Tech Expert Dr. Kid Grout The most popular word on every UK citizen’s mind over the last few years is Brexit. No matter where you look, from the House of Lords to local playgrounds, there’s still debate and uncertainty about it to this day. This in turn has caused a lot of confusion,Continue reading “BURGER VAN EXPERT COMES UP WITH SCHEME TO SOLVE POTENTIAL MELTDOWN IN UK’S FUTURE”

SHOCK AS PLANS FOR LYNYRD SKYNYRD SONG TO BE INSERTED INTO EVERY MOVIE

By Rock Music Correspondent Edwin “Zippy” Mississippi If you ask most people what song reminds them of movie soundtracks, the answer will be Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd. The 1974 classic has featured in literally hundreds of films, but one powerful billionaire intends to use all of his fortune and contacts to help realiseContinue reading “SHOCK AS PLANS FOR LYNYRD SKYNYRD SONG TO BE INSERTED INTO EVERY MOVIE”

NATIONAL TRUST FACING EXTREME BACKLASH OVER DEVELOPMENT PLANS FOR REMOTE CASTLE

By Resident Castle Expert Harry Thricenay News of radical plans for a disused castle on the Isle of Violentcrab has been met with anger as it’s to be turned into a low-grade discount shop. The castle, situated a few miles off the Scottish coast, is once believed to have been won by a 12th CenturyContinue reading “NATIONAL TRUST FACING EXTREME BACKLASH OVER DEVELOPMENT PLANS FOR REMOTE CASTLE”

CONTROVERSY AS LOCAL FILM AWARDS ACCUSED OF LACK OF DIVERSITY

By Showbiz Correspondent Thaddeus Gobot The nominations for the Darlington Film Awards have recently been announced, and it’s caused quite a stir, with some critics citing a blatant lack of diversity. The Film Awards – known locally as the Darling FilAwa – are held annually and are presented in a modest sized sports hall, presentedContinue reading “CONTROVERSY AS LOCAL FILM AWARDS ACCUSED OF LACK OF DIVERSITY”

MAN’S PLEA TO FIND CONTACTS FOR OBSCURE GAME PUBLISHERS AS DEBTS MOUNT

By Fearless Reporter Rory Pacquiao A 47-year old man in financial dire straits has spent the last two weeks desperately trying to find contact details for the company BryanscatSoft. who made the ZX Spectrum computer game Fruit Machine 3000 II: Special Nudge Edition back in 1983. Ralph Mayweather, who is currently living with his mum,Continue reading “MAN’S PLEA TO FIND CONTACTS FOR OBSCURE GAME PUBLISHERS AS DEBTS MOUNT”

SHOCK STUDY SHOWS HUGE DOWNTURN IN PARTIALLY-REMEMBERED MOVIE RE-ENACTMENTS IN BRITAIN’S PLAYGROUNDS

Multiple accusations are being thrown around in the wake of the results of a recent study conducted by Ofsted. They have concluded that Primary School children nowadays are, on average, 61% percent less likely to poorly re-enact scenes from American movies that they’ve seen recently on TV, compared with the results from the same studyContinue reading “SHOCK STUDY SHOWS HUGE DOWNTURN IN PARTIALLY-REMEMBERED MOVIE RE-ENACTMENTS IN BRITAIN’S PLAYGROUNDS”