BUSYBODY’S CONCERN OVER PREDICTED CHILD CRAZE RETURNS, EVEN WORSE THAN IT WAS NEARLY THIRTY YEARS AGO

By Wildlife Correspondent Eisenhour Prower

It seems that no matter where you live, whether in a quiet cul-de-sac, close knit cobbled street or prison, there’s always an individual who would always be looking out for the welfare of others around them. They would take to looking through their curtains at the goings on, making up their own narrative in order to turn it into gossip when they’re at the hairdressers. One such person is Mavis Bagcats, who’s lived at her house in an unassuming street in Prudhoe for over 50 years. She’s notorious around these parts for causing disagreements and divorces, such is her influence on the community. She gets offended at the slightest of things, and one aspect of society that always gets her blood boiling is the common youth. There was one particular incident back in the early 90s involving young people that saw her rage make the national headlines with unfounded claims, and with the imminent release of the Sonic the Hedgehog movie, this anger has returned, only much more amplified. I spoke with Miss Bagcats in her living room, after a misunderstanding concerning my shoes, about what her problem is now.

MB: “It’s been such a long time since I had a journalist in, but I’m pretty sure that my no shoes in the house policy still applies.”

TDJJ: “That’s fine, Miss Bagcats, I’ve taken them off haven’t I? You put them in the pantry. Now, can you explain your history with the video game character Sonic the Hedgehog, and why you feel it’s a bad influence on kids?”

MB: “Well, I remember when the game first came out. I watched my grandson playing it, I couldn’t make head nor tail of what was going on. He said that it was about a blue hedgehog, and you had to collect all the rings and kill the bad guy at the end of act three or something daft like that. Right then I knew that this made no sense, blue hedgehog indeed! And killing someone as well! I had to tell the knitting circle about the warped nature of this game. Little Unwin was having fun playing it, but I knew that it was only a matter of time before he started to copy the reprehensible actions on screen.”

TDJJ: “It was a very popular game. It spawned many more games in the series and merchandise right up to today.”

MB: “That’s right, yes. Dreadful things.”

TDJJ: “And how specifically did you think these “reprehensible actions” would affect your grandson – and the youth in general – way back in 1991, when the first game came out?”

MB: “Is was like when them Ninja Turtles came out, all the kids wanted a real turtle, and would no doubt make them into little fighting machines against their will. I could only therefore predict an upsurge of kids stealing hedgehogs and painting them blue. I couldn’t work out how they’d teach them to collect rings, but they’d find a way. That’s what kids do. Swines, the lot of them.”

TDJJ: “I guess hedgehogs did become more popular because of the game, but I don’t remember any news from back in the day that said any of this took place.”

MB: “Well, I know what I thought. And all my friends at the knitting club believed me as well.”

TDJJ: “And you feel that with this new Sonic film coming out, your fears of youths copying what they watch is so much worse nowadays. Can you explain your logic?”

MB: “I put most of the blame on those internets. Violent things on there. They say you’re only two clicks away from being exposed to things that are frankly unmentionable. I refuse to use them myself, it looks so complicated. And all these are available to kids on their phones and computers. The parents are guilty as well, letting them watch these at dinnertimes and so forth. With all this sick filth they’re seeing, they’ll surely be more likely to once again steal hedgehogs and paint them blue. They‘d probably film it on their phones as well, mail it to their so-called friends. This will probably pass for comedy nowadays.”

TDJJ: “You’ve written to your local paper, The Daily Mail and Sega themselves about this. Have you had any response from any of them?”

MB: “Nothing from the papers, but I did get a signed picture of Sonic from Sega. I think they misread the severity of my concerns. I can’t afford to go all the way to Japan, so unfortunately I can’t talk to them in person about it. I’ve since made a list as long as my arm about all the problems I see with this situation. Once again, it’s people like me and my friends at knitting that have to continue looking out for the society. The police said they wouldn’t be doing anything about this either. What do we pay them for? It’s getting worse out there.”

The Sonic the Hedgehog movie will be released on 14th February.

DOG WALKER BECOMES MILLIONAIRE BY CHARGING PEOPLE FOR HUMOROUS QUESTION

By Resident Canine Expert Abraham Naked

Freelance horse tester Seamus O’Ramjet has recently made his first million pounds by walking a Great Dane dog around the various parks and woodland areas near his home in Yeovil. His expertise is in horses, but even he admits that this wasn’t bringing in enough to support his now ex-partner and two children. Since he found the dog loitering outside a bookies one morning, he came up with a plan that, while initially sounding a bit too silly, it actually became his main source of income fairly quickly. I interviewed Mr O’Ramjet outside his local courthouse, the reasons why will be made clear later.

TDJJ: “When I read your plan when you got the dog, I thought ‘that would never work’. But you made it happen, and you showed excellent business acumen. Can you explain what your plan consisted of, for the benefit of those who aren’t aware?”

SO’R: “Well, I’ve always liked walking through the parks and things near me, I’ve been doing this every day for years. It calms me, takes me away from all the arguing at home about my horse job. On my travels I often overhear someone commenting when they see someone else walking past with a massive dog. It’s always something like, ‘are you taking that dog for a walk or is that dog taking you?’ The dog walker would often reply ‘if he had a pound for every time I ‘m asked that…’ So when I saw that Great Dane moping about, eating out of a nearby bin, I thought it might be a good idea to put something into practice.”

TDJJ: “So you started getting £1 off people whenever this exchange took place on your travels. I know it sounds like you’re making it up, but you’ve shown me your bank account. How were you able to amass such a large amount in only a matter of months?”

SO’R: “As I say, there’s lots of parks and woods near me. I’d frequent these places as usual, and make several circuits round, taking me a few hours. They’re always full of truanting kids, the unemployed and elderly people, so I was confident that this was a goldmine. And I was right! When I felt like I overstayed my welcome I’d go to another park, rinse and repeat. I started having to take shopping bags with me for all the pound coins.

TDJJ: “And what effect did this have on your other job and personal life?”

SO’R: “In terms of the horse thing I do, I’ve had to cut back on that a bit anyway. I started getting banned at a few of the farms, for reasons I legally can’t talk about. My ex was never supportive of this job, wanted me to keep working at the chicken take away shop, it was more hours. When I got the big dog, and started my scheme, I was out of the house for a lot longer. She thought I was having another affair. She since found out about three of the women, but I was mainly walking the dog.”

TDJJ: “So did she leave you before knowing that you were getting filthy rich?”

SO’R: “Yeah, the silly cow. It’s her loss now. But the thing is, I’m a big believer in fate. Maybe it was written for me to get forcibly removed from them farms, and also for her to leave after a few little moments of madness. Maybe it’s been designed for me to make a fortune in this unconventional way. Swings and roundabouts, really.”

TDJJ: “And where were you when you met the man who says you stole his dog?”

SO’R: “He confronted me in one of the parks. He looked more drunk that I was, it was a Friday evening after all. He said he could prove it was his dog, mentioned leaving it outside the bookies for an hour or so on the day I found it. He described the odd pattern of colours behind the dog’s bollocks, and he was right. I didn’t want to know how he got to know that information, and to be honest I was disgusted and kicked him a few times until he fell over. I walked away with pride, that I’d done my bit for society, defeating a sex pest.”

TDJJ: “Did you tell the man about the money you were making with the dog?”

SO’R: “It’s always the thing with me, I have a few strong lagers and I begin talking too much. It’s got me in a few scrapes in the past, and I’m guessing I boasted about the million quid. Probably. I do this so often, it’s like a second nature or whatever the phrase is.”

TDJJ: “And this is the main reason you’re waiting outside the courthouse now isn’t it?”

SO’R: “Yeah, he’s wanting half because it’s his dog. Plus, I told everyone concerned that it’d be easier if I get the case against me for non-payment of child support out of the way afterwards. That way I could be in the pub all day tomorrow, without having to split up two days. Makes sense, really.”

FORMER EMPLOYEE TELLS ALL ABOUT HIS SCAM PLAN THAT WON HIM EMPLOYMENT AWARD EVERY MONTH

By Employment Correspondent Papa Heihachi

A 36-year old former call centre employee from Burstwick in Hull concocted a mostly foolproof plan that had never failed him, until it kind of did, and he’s now prepared to share his secret to winning untold amounts of cases of wines and cheeses, at his previous workplace GlaxenBorgBerg. Kind-hearted Dwayne Submission was working at the call centre – who specialise in selling vitamins that improves tennis ability – for two years, and it was after being there a month when he thought of the scheme, and he didn’t look back until recently. I interviewed Mr Submission outside his old place of work, while he has a cig and hangs around some of his former colleagues. He’s actually barred from the premises, but is wearing a false hat in case one of the managers come out.

TDJJ: “So, Mr Submission, I’m guessing everyone who’s reading this, and many of your former colleagues, are desperate to know the secret behind all this success. Just how were you able to win all those wines and cheeses every month?”

DS: “Well, when I started work here I was put in training with a few others, and when we went into the actual call centre, one of them was really struggling on the phones. It’s a pretty big call centre, very busy, but you could always hear this guy shouting all manner of abuse at customers, and crying, on every call. I really don’t know how he kept his job after the first day. Anyway, this went on for a few weeks and he slightly improved with help. The monthly awards came up and he actually won Most Improved Employee of the Month, in my eyes for being slightly less shit at his job than when he first started. So that got me thinking…”

TDJJ: “Were you having similar difficulties as your colleague?”

DS: “No, I felt I was pretty good when I started. It’s an unwritten rule here that you could swear at a customer as long as you said things quickly enough. There were a few times when I wasn’t swearing as fast, and word got back to the managers, but other than that I had no problems getting used to things. It’s just that I don’t think the guy should have got the wines and cheeses, they were just rewarding failure.”

TDJJ: “Did your plan come about because you felt that you were more worthy of the prizes?”

DS: “Yeah. I just thought, if I lowered my standards so I became as crap as him, then improve more than he does towards the end of the month when the awards take place, then surely all those wines and cheeses will be mine, based on the logic I saw.”

TDJJ: “And this won first time you tried it?”

DS: “It did. Thing is, during the first month of using this strategy, this colleague was fired for stealing several plates from the canteen. So my victory felt a bit hollow that time. But I stuck to my game plan nonetheless, and I continued to win every month from then on, proving it was no fluke.”

TDJJ: “How far did you go when purposely messing things up at work?”

DS: “I threw a lot of stuff out a window. The biggest thing was the computer I was actually working on at the time, monitor and all. We’re on the seventh floor and it made a right mess on the road. I told the manager that someone else did it, but didn’t name names. However, one of the quiet ones piped up and ruined things. So I got in trouble for that, and also for my revenge attack on the humourless prick later in the shift. I often did shit like this, knowing that I’d redeem myself in the final week in order to win some more wines and cheeses.”

TDJJ: “How were you found out that you were intentionally underperforming?”

DS: “I guess management noticed the pattern when looking at the hard statistics. I always denied that I had such a plan, it was just that one month they didn’t have any wine, just got a big bottle of cider instead. I actually like cider more, and on one of my ten minute breaks, I downed the whole two litres of it and was told afterwards that I was throwing up everywhere and starting fights with some of the managers. I get rowdy after a bit of cider, but I like celebrating.”

TDJJ: “So then you were fired for multiple violations, and you thought ‘sod it’ and give out your secret?”

DS: “Exactly! They don’t own me, fuck ‘em. That was seven months ago and I still can’t get a job, but I’ve set up a website for any donations. See, my scheme is technically still a sure fire way to success. If others follow the plan, they could show me thanks by giving me a few hundred. I’ve sold most of my stuff, and my mum’s threatening to kick me out.”

You can donate hundreds to Mr Submission on the following website:

http://www.kash4dwayneykwiklee.co.uk

CLASSIC 1987 LOVE SONG TO BE BANNED DUE TO MODERN INTERPRETATION OF LYRICS

By Music Correspondent Kenny Afterburner

People across the world could soon be breaking the law if they play – or even own – the 1987 song Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen, who incidentally has been working overtime in the last 20 odd years telling people that he isn’t one of the kids from South Park. According to the upstart EIO organisation, Hungry Eyes now promotes obesity. Where the song was once considered to be about someone lusting after someone else, the EIO CEO Elsie Cashmoney is in no doubt that the song’s lyrical content is now too problematic, and will only help increase the world’s obesity to critical levels. She has strong connections with several world leaders, and is confident that she can go so far as getting this song erased from existence. I interviewed Ms Cashmoney about how far she is prepared to go to get this done.

TDJJ: “So, Ms Cashmoney, was there any point when you were younger where you had thought the song was just about sinful desires, as is the popular interpretation?”

EC: “Yes, when watching Dirty Dancing, I could see the intention of the song words matching that bit in the film, when Patrick was with them two women, initially thinking of having a threesome, but then he started to fancy the main one, even though she was crap at dancing. But society changes over time. And now, as CEO of Everything Is Offensive, it’s my job to find things that will nowadays cause harm, and ban them before they do.”

TDJJ: “Dirty Dancing is a very popular film. Millions of people, mostly women probably, cite it as one their favourites, despite there being many objectively better films out there. Would you consider going so far as getting the movie blacklisted?”

EC: “We could edit the offending bit out of any future broadcasts or releases of the film on DVD and so forth. We’d then demand a Dirty Dancing amnesty, where everyone would have to give their old copies to the police. This also goes for the soundtrack. I know it’s popular, with worldwide sales of about 32 million, but they’ll have to be handed over too. Anyone who refuses would be seen as a threat to society.”

TDJJ: “I believe Eric Carmen has contacted you about this. What are his views on your interpretation?”

EC: “He said they were interesting, but it wasn’t ever his intention to promote obesity, that he wrote it about horny people. I told him that his words were irrelevant because as everyone knows, as soon as a work of art is released to the public, it ceases to belong to the creator, but to fans of the work. I told him if he sung it again in public, he’d be facing time in jail.”

TDJJ: “Your organisation has faced a lot of resistance in the past for decisions similar to this. I know that you personally have ties with some notable world leaders. Have they ever advised you to step back from any particular campaign because of public backlash?”

EC: “No, because they see that what we want to do is heal the world, make it a better place. There was the campaign where we wanted to make football matches last forty hours a week, to represent the working class, as we felt with every footballer being a multi-millionaire they had forgotten their roots, and it also promoted capitalism. Unfortunately that idea was shut down quickly by them, but we haven’t had anything else scrutinized in this way.”

TDJJ: “And do you feel that after five years of this organisation’s existence, this is the campaign where you finally find success?”

EC: “It’s a necessity. Yes, a lot of people out there tell us on a daily basis how this particular campaign is frankly unworkable. But this only makes us stronger. I just put it down to people being jealous because we’re actually going out there and telling people what to do and they’re not. People like being told what to like and what not to like, that’s why advertising is everywhere you look. If we can continue getting rid of harmful things like certain 80s love ballads and associated movies, then you’ll see a downturn in overweight citizens.”

GRAVE DIGGER HATCHES PLAN OF FACIAL HAIR PRESERVATION IN LIGHT OF RECENT CONFUSION OVER REMAINS

By Resident Men’s Grooming Specialist Mark Wrestlemania

The job of a mortician is not without its difficulties, it comes with occupational hazards like most jobs. For thousands of years, it has been thought that once the deceased had been buried, cremated or sent out to sea if dealing with Vikings, the mortician can put their feet up after another job well done. But after a bizarre episode involving the undead rising in a cemetery in Hastings, the several passers by who dealt with the situation struggled to match the right grave for the right inhabitant. News of this reached the resident grave digger, Barnaby Frukwan, who decided that from now on, any facial hair of the recently deceased will be preserved, then in time attached to the skeleton, thus preventing a lot of confusion should a similar situation arise again. I interviewed Mr Frukwan in his shed, to find out more.

TDJJ: “Mr Frukwan, this sounds like a very radical idea, though I’ve been made aware of the uproar amongst many locals. Not only because some see it as disrespectful towards the family of the deceased, but also because no one was told of the relatively small outbreak that brought about this decision in the first place.”

BF: “Okay, we didn’t want to cause a panic, they may have seen a few too many movies where the undead go around feeding on brains and so on. It was skeletons what rose from their graves recently, not zombies. I watched the CCTV footage of the outbreak myself, it was actually quite comical really, they kept shambling around and bumping into stuff, falling over a lot. I’d send it to You’ve Been Framed but I know there’d be several lawsuits heading my way if I did.”

TDJJ: “But what would you say to those of the opinion that this decision is inconsiderate for the families involved?”

BF: “The thing is, they probably haven’t been tasked with locating skeletons back into their resting place. We only want to make things easier should there be a repeat of that incident. There was only about 12 of them, which were still within the confines of the graveyard, but it took the locals who sorted it out just over an hour to usher the right skeletons into the right hole. I’m glad that the cops didn’t show up, that would have been awkward to say the least.”

TDJJ: “Would it be you who would administer the facial hair? What criteria would be involved?”

BF: “Yeah, it’s just me. As time goes on, depending on workload I might take some on more people, put an ad in the local paper. Facial hair has recently become more popular among men, the so-called hipster is a common look, so yeah, it might get busy in the future. What would happen, is someone would make a note of the late person’s facial hair details then put them in a book. In light of recent events, I feel we can’t wait the number of years for a body to be reduced to its skeletal form, so I’m currently getting legal advice about what can be done about this. Maybe some kind of chemicals can be used to speed up the process, maybe put some extra worms in the box with them, we’ll have to see.”

TDJJ: “Would you need to get consent from the families if one of their deceased relatives had facial hair? What would happen if they refuse?”

BF: “I’m still looking into it. I would like a situation where I can be just left alone to do what’s necessary, all things considered. Meddling with the remains of their loved one, with the details of what recently happened, should surely be decided by people who know more about the grave digging business. That’s me. And there’ll be an extra charge on top of the regular funeral price, plus any court costs incurred.”

TDJJ: “If you get the legal red tape sorted out, and you put your plan into practice, do you foresee a time where this practice becomes normal, and then you’ll no longer have to replace your smashed house windows on a regular basis?”

BF: “Listen, I understand how society works. Death is treated very differently to some other parts of the world, where it’s actually celebrated. It’s a very touchy subject. I’m thinking of getting the government involved, help me make a cautionary feature length film which would highlight the danger of a future uprising of local skeletons, show it in schools and workplaces. Much like those public infomercials they made back in the 70s. Once words gets around, and enough people get scared of the potential dystopia, then I can only see this practice becoming a necessity. And then I’ll be coining it in.”

ADMIN ERROR LEADS TO AMERICAN ROCK BAND PORTRAYING BUNCH OF WOMEN IN NEW MOVIE

By Music Correspondent Stavros Harrington-Smythe

The new superhero film from the DC Universe, Birds of Prey, has recently been released to quite favourable reviews, though it isn’t certain if that’s down to an error by a young production assistant. The mistake was discovered when executives were watching the finished film, and it was too late to change anything due to the strict release dates. Film fans expecting to see Margot Robbie reprising her role as Harley Quinn – as well as the other female cast members – will be in for a surprise, as it turned out the mistake meant that the rock band The Eagles were given the roles instead. I spoke to Don Henley, the group’s drummer and co-vocalist, on how all this came about.

TDJJ: “Okay, let me just say, big fan of you and The Eagles. How did you find out about this film?”

DH: “Well I got this letter saying Warner Bros were making a Birds of Prey film, and they wanted me to be the lead character. Now, looking back, I have to chuckle because I can see where the confusion may have come from, because of what eagles are. But I assumed they meant the whole of the surviving members of our group. So we had a group meeting about it, and in the end we just said ‘what the hell’ and got the bus to Hollywood.”

TDJJ: “Are you a fan of superhero films? Were you aware of the timeline of the DC Universe movies?”

DH: “Yeah, a little bit. I liked the Avengers one. To be honest I had to research the DC stuff. I thought it was a reference to AC/DC! I know of Batman and Superman, obviously.”

TDJJ: “Did you watch Suicide Squad during your research?”

DH: “I was advised against it, but I ended up watching it anyway, yeah. Some of the guys didn’t think it was great, but I thought it was okay.”

TDJJ: “What did you think about putting the Harley Quinn outfit on? No offence to either Margot or yourself, but how do you think no one twigged that you obviously aren’t Margot Robbie?”

DH: “It was a tight costume for sure. But it’s all acting isn’t it? I guess after all the make up, and whatever CGI is, no one could tell the difference on the days we were filming. You’ve got to laugh about it now though, don’t you?”

TDJJ: “How did you find the experience of working on such a big movie? I guess it’s a lot of long hours similar to when you’re touring with the group.”

DH: “For sure, yeah. To be honest we were all nervous on the first day, we hadn’t had any acting classes or anything beforehand. We read the script together and decided as there’s a lot of action in there, we should do a bit of keep fit so we could do all the fighting bits.”

TDJJ: “Well it seems that your collective hard work paid off, the film’s got pretty good reviews. So you got to the end of filming, then the film was edited, and then you found out that the group wasn’t supposed to be in the film in the first place, it was all down to an administrative error. I know that you and the group can look back with a smile now, but was there any frustration or resentment initially?”

DH: “Yeah, for sure. We spent long nights crying by the record machine, to quote Elton John. It seemed that all our hard work was for nothing. But when the relatively favourable reviews came in, we felt vindicated. I even phoned Warner Bros up, who I think are still a bit embarrassed by the mix up, and told them that I had an idea for a sequel. It starts off, right, that the first film was an alternate universe, right, and the real Birds of Prey, the women ones, were being held prisoner by Batman and Superman, for reasons I haven’t worked out yet, and then we as the Eagles were doing their work instead, and then the women Birds of Prey escape and they fight us for ages, and then Batman and Superman have a fight because Batman wants the women ones to win and Superman wants us the Eagles to win. We all think that’s a good idea. Warner Bros, we’re waiting by the phone!”

Birds of Prey is in cinemas now.

RETAIL MANAGER’S POLICY SET TO CONTINUE, FLYING IN THE FACE OF CONVENTIONAL WISDOM

By Resident Retail Expert Zebedee Boughtazoo

One of the main reasons for success in the customer service sector is word of mouth. If you have a business that goes the extra mile for customers, the theory is that those customers will then tell their friends about your company, and the great level of service you provide. Free advertising. Though you probably should still advertise through the regular channels as well. One particular shop, however, has refused to conform to this idea – almost doing the exact opposite – yet still manages to rake in a tidy profit year after year. I interviewed 60-year old Chorlton Thwomp, the manager of Footwear Ephemera, situated in the town centre in Peterborough, to find out how his successful strategy has survived all these years in the increasingly fragile retail sector.

TDJJ: “Mr Thwomp. your business is selling footwear that is known throughout this town as being of very poor quality. I’ve read a lot of the reviews on your website, people complaining about durability issues and inconsistent sizing among other things, yet here you are, leaning on your fairly new looking black BMW with a cigar. How do you do it?”

CT: “Two things mainly – profit margin and the fact that we don’t honour refunds. I can afford to sell shoes for around the £5 mark because we buy from our suppliers in bulk. It works out at just a few pence for each pair. Honestly, who would come back a week later with worn out shoes that they only spent a fiver on? Some have done in the past, and I either remind them that they only paid a fiver, what did they expect, or I’d explain that the person who sold the shoes to them has since been sacked because they sold the shoes the wrong shoes to them.”

TDJJ: “Has this always been your policy since you opened this shop 35 years ago?”

CT: “No. At the start I was getting the shoes from a different, more expensive place. And like all businesses, you have to think on your toes to survive in this shopping precinct. So I changed to a different supplier after a few weeks, to a company who, like me, believe in buy cheap sell loads, or whatever that phrase is. From a distance, you can’t really tell the difference between what I sell now and what I sold back then, but there’s a notable set of differences after a week or so.”

TDJJ: “How often do you contact your suppliers when someone makes a complaint?”

CT: “I don’t actually know their phone number, or their address. It was an ‘ask no questions’ agreement that I did with them. Taiwan, somewhere like that. They’ve been my suppler for over 30 years. That’s a long time in the game, they obviously know what they’re doing.”

TDJJ: “So, factoring in all the negativity on your reviews page and lack of quality in your goods, you must realise that your business model goes against many if not all business logic. What, then, would you say are the main reasons for your success?

CT: “Listen, Peterborough looks quite nice looking down from a helicopter, what with the 12th century cathedral, a Lord of the Rings style Bronze Age Settlement, and Bretton Shopping Park. But on the ground level you’d see that there’s a sizeable amount of miscreants and proper arseholes who always have court appearances to go to. These people don’t have shoes, and they certainly don’t want to spend more than a fiver on them for when they’re needed in court. That’s where we come in. Also people are dazzled by our fluorescent signage outside and come in to buy things purely because of the low prices. This town has a massive population, so even if people only buy from us once, learn their lesson and not come back, we’re still laughing because of the numbers involved. There’s one born every minute.”

TDJJ: “Do you think therefore, that other, similar retailers are doing things wrong then?”

CT: “Yeah, obviously. They’re shutting down on a weekly basis. People are just attracted to cheap shit. Put it this way, over three months you could’ve bought about six pairs of shoes off us at £30 all in. But you’d go somewhere else and pay more for a single pair. People round here tend to go for short-term fixes, and I know there are regulars who have been in several times to buy the same shoes, thinking the last lot was just from a bad batch, and the new ones will last longer. But they won’t. I’m living proof that you don’t need much of an education or people skills to succeed in retail. You can take your “customer service” and “values”, I’m getting a speedboat next week!”

FORWARD-THINKING HEADTEACHER GRAND SCHEME TO MODERNISE LESSONS BY REPLICATING ONLINE VIDEOS

By Education Correspondent Bill Swededfilm

The headmaster at St. Heresjohnny Primary School in Hull, Ian Tricycle, has become aware of the increasing amount of educational videos on the internet, and he sees the threat that it could pose for not just his job, but for all teachers across the land. He reasons that kids would get bored at school, as they would have learnt everything already online, and thus start skipping school as a result. This would also mean they will miss out on school dinners, playing musical instruments badly and having awkward social interaction. These reasons, and more, is why Mr Tricycle has formulated a ‘fool proof’ plan to combat the perceived threat. I interviewed the headmaster on his way home after school. He drives past where I live, so we agreed on £5 to give me a lift.

TDJJ: “So, Mr Tricycle, what’s your scheme about, and how would it work in the modern classroom?”

IT: “Well, it might sound a bit too progressive, and some parents might not understand where I’m coming from, but the scheme involves first increasing the number of teachers to five times the current level. We’d have five in each class room, one teacher per subject – Maths, English, Science, I.T and art or something – and they’d all be lined up in front of the class. Pupils will then “click” on a device with five different sounds, and then the corresponding teacher will step forward and teach that subject. Pressing a different button will get that teacher to fall back in line, even if they’re in mid-sentence, while the new teacher steps and begins to talk. It’s like a real life internet.”

TDJJ: “How would you determine which pupil gets the decision to “click” between the teachers?”

IT: “They would take turns. They all love the internet – daft cat videos, kids unboxing toys, plus a lot of other stuff that isn’t really suitable, but we all turn a blind eye. By bringing a ‘live’ internet into school for them would make the lessons more modern and interactive. It will surely encourage them to share the device fairly.”

TDJJ: “And what do your teachers think about this plan? It sound like it could get a bit confusing for them, for many reasons.”

IT: “We’ve done some rehearsals with a few of them, tried to iron out some of the issues. Thing is, they initially wanted to have a script of some sort, so they’d know where they’re up to when getting “clicked” on and off. I told them no, because that doesn’t happen on internet videos. Of course there’s going to be teething problems, but once the teachers are used to memorising an hour’s worth of work without any prompting – because, again, internet videos – we’d be heading in the right direction.”

TDJJ: “So the lessons would be longer, as there’s going to be several hours worth of teaching in each one?”

IT: “Yeah, something like that. It might depend on the day. Some pupils could like English more than maths on a particular occasion, and so the maths teacher might not have to use the whole hour that they’ve memorised. And I.T might be more interesting to the whole class than science, I didn’t do any research, so I don’t know. It can sound complicated, but I’ve printed out a list of the rules, put a copy in each classroom.”

TDJJ: “How are you able to fund this? There’s always some report about budgets being slashed in schools. St. Heresjohnny in particular, due to the recent poor performance awarded by Ofsted, has seen a 40% cut. This scheme sounds expensive.”

IT: “We’ll need the parents to chip in as well, a few hundred each will do. I’ve told them in a letter that we’re hiring more teachers, and getting actual internet reality in the classroom. Surely that’s better than the normal internet. Well, the educational videos side of things anyway. This would also get their kids off their tablets and iPads.”

TDJJ: “Have you had any money come through yet?”

IT: “No, just a load of abuse. That’s okay, some people don’t like radical thinking. There seems to be confusion about the point of doing this. As I said, it can sound overly complex for those who don’t understand technical things and progress. But they’re like sheep. I’m sure that once one of them gives us several thousand, they’d all start doing the same. Teachers aren’t as cheap as you may think, especially the ones who don’t have to rely on answer books several times in an hour.”

TDJJ: “And finally, if this scheme is a success, do you see other schools copying this plan?”

IT: “Yeah, it makes too much sense. Oh, here we are.”

Mr Tricycle pulls into the road where I live and I end the interview. He lets me out and drives off. I still have his £5 petrol money.

FECKLESS FATHER UNEXPECTEDLY WINS AWARD WHICH MAY JEOPARDISE ONGOING CUSTODY BATTLE

By Resident Relationship Councillor Harriet Crockof

Estranged couples, especially when there’s children involved, can be fraught with a multitude of difficult situations. When a break up between parents occurs, the child is often times torn between loyalties one way or the other. Father of three Gaz Propane is someone who has to deal with the continuous back and forth between his former partner Julie and his son Reefus, as they’re currently held in a long standing legal custody battle. However, a few Saturdays ago, Gaz was unwittingly awarded a prize when he had little Reefus in his care. I interviewed Gaz at his mate’s house, where he’s currently staying, to ask how he sees this award affecting his chances of getting custody of his child.

TDJJ: “So, Mr Propane, I know you’ve been through similar things like this before, but for the benefit of those who don’t follow you or your former partner on Facebook, can you explain what the award was for?”

GP: “Have you got that case of ales?”

TDJJ: “I’ve got a researcher at the supermarket now, Special Brew wasn’t it?”

GP: “Nice one. I wouldn’t have done this if I weren’t getting anything in return.”

TDJJ: “No problem, we’re here to help. So what was your award for?”

GP: “It was for the record of giving the most last warnings to a kid. I got a £10 voucher for ten pin bowling somewhere. It sounds like a weird award doesn’t it?”

TDJJ: “It is weird, yes, I guess the local council feel that youths have to be monitored closer now due to the rising crime rates. There’s cameras everywhere in Huddersfield isn’t there?”

GP: “Yeah, I reckon that’s how they knew how many last warnings I gave him. Anyway, she come in to McDonalds to hand him over. It’s my legal right to have him on Saturdays, see. The thing is, I had a massive hangover and to be honest not much sleep. It was my mate Fod’s birthday the previous night. What was I going to do? Anyway, I really couldn’t be arsed with anything, tired as fuck, but my solicitor says to me that it’d work in my favour if I made more of an effort this time. See, I got two other kids with other women. I can’t see them neither.”

TDJJ: “So they saw you giving little Reefus multiple warnings via their CCTV. What were the warnings for?”

GP: “I couldn’t remember until they told me when I got the award later that day. He was probably being too loud or something. As I say, I really couldn’t be bothered with anything, and loud noises – especially by kids – proper irritate me. But I wouldn’t ever hit him! Write that down.”

TDJJ: “Don’t worry, we don’t edit properly at The Daily JabJab. So after a while, a call was made to the council of this possible record of last warnings being given, and they tracked you once you left McDonalds.”

GP: “Yeah, again, my head was blurry, but we went up to the cinema, there was a film he wanted to watch, some cartoon crap about animals I think. Apparently I gave him several more last warnings on the short walk to the cinema, went in, and were ushered out a few minutes later. I forgot I was barred for soiling a few of their seats a few days before. Then we sat down on some chairs nearby and I fell asleep for a little bit. Twenty minutes.”

TDJJ: “Reefus wandered off, didn’t he?”

GP: “Well, I got woke up by some prick eating his sandwiches loudly at the other end of the bench. I then realised that Reefus had gone. I didn’t feel I had the strength to walk very far so just shouted his name in loads of different directions, giving him even more last warnings. When I watched the CCTV back of this bit, I didn’t realise how many people were watching me. I felt pretty good as they saw how caring I was, shouting his name in desperation. Luckily a few fit women at a salon a few roads away had taken him in. I tried giving them all a hug to say thanks, and said a few of my one-liners to charm them, but it wasn’t enough.”

TDJJ: “How long had the police been there?”

GP: “About 15 minutes. Listen, all this sounds a bit bad, and she got there with a face like thunder, moaning about having to leave work and all that. I had a brief scuffle with one of the cops outside. You can see on the footage I was doing all right for a bit. But they’re trained, and they used it against me.”

TDJJ: “But despite all this, you still feel the award you received shows you ultimately in a good light.”

GP: “Yeah, it was an eventful day. I just want to point out that it was my own record that I broke, which had been the record for a couple of years with one of my other kids, again in the town centre on a Saturday. Trouble is, my solicitor doesn’t see it as a good thing, saying that it could be seen as a sad indictment of irresponsible parenting. I can’t see how, if anything it shows that I’m improving. Winning again.”

I end the interview there as the researcher came back with the case of strong lager, and I quickly got the impression that Mr Propane wanted to be left alone to watch the TV. His court battles are set to continue.

NEW LAW TO BE IMPLEMENTED, BUT FOOD PLACE OWNERS ANGRY AT AMOUNT OF GREY AREAS

By Resident Food Critic Lexington Canary

A list of new laws to be put into place by the UK government have largely been met with either bored resignment or slight irritation from some hard hitting newspaper columnists. But one law in particular has created quite a stir in certain parts of social media, and has sparked debate around the land since its announcement. The legalisation of stealing condiments – like sachets of tomato ketchup, horseradish and entire bottles of pepper – from eating establishments. However, there are certain criteria that must be abided by so that anyone doing the taking doesn’t get punished. I interviewed Lance Datedhair in his fish restaurant The Airborne Mackerel, in Monkston, Milton Keynes, as he’s been the most vocal on Twitter regarding this law.

TDJJ: “Mr Datedhair, why do you think the government has implemented this law?”

LD: “I think it’s a cynical ploy by them, a popularity vote designed to make their detractors think that they’ve got the common touch. Look, theft is theft, plain and simple. I know it’s not exactly like the 4K TVs I’ve got stashed in a shed, but it’s still taking what isn’t yours.”

TDJJ: “You’re aware of the number of provisos regarding this, but what do you see as the main issue that you and other owners of restaurants face?”

LD: “Well, for me it’s how they word the one about ‘as long as there’s loads of them.’ Who’s going to be counting the amount of sachets picked up by customers? What’s ‘loads’ for me might not necessarily the same as someone else. We need clarification so we all know where we stand. Right now, as I see it, customers can argue their side when challenged by our staff. It’d be ridiculous if, say, beer makers come out and say you can be ‘about 18’ to drink our products.”

TDJJ: “In relation to this, the government have said that the police have always been inundated with confessions of guilt from people, wondering if they’d get in trouble for stealing vinegar. They just want to ease the workload of the authorities, so they can catch the real criminals out there. Can you see any logic in their thinking?”

LD: “Listen. I buy all this stuff in bulk from cash and carries, usually in the thousands, but it shouldn’t give anyone the right to be so cavalier with our stock. I saw one plate last week with a half eaten trout, with SEVEN opened sachets of tartare sauce discarded at the side, but one of my staff said they saw them take at least 15 sachets before the meal was brought to them, including mustard! They must have pocketed the others because there was no trace of mustard on the plate. I would have said something if I’d have seen the culprits, but now I feel powerless. I’m now supposed to just watch behind the bar as some large child uses up untold amounts of packeted ketchup on their pizza. It’s already tomato-based, what are they thinking?”

TDJJ: “And is this the main reason you’ve set up a Facebook group with your fellow restaurateurs?”

LD: “Someone has to take a stand. The government didn’t ask us if this law would be a good idea or not. And judging by the tens of responses I’ve had in the three weeks since I set the group up, I know I’m not the only one feeling the pinch. I’ve even got a message from some woman in Singapore. It’s unrelated to the issue, but it just goes to show that this has truly gone global.”

TDJJ: “If the government do become aware of your social media efforts, and come up with a standardised number of condiments that would be legal to take, would this go some way into satisfying you?”

LD: “As I said, this is my main issue. If they sort that one out, what about some of the others, like saying it’s perfectly fine to create a pool of vinegar in a bowl and daring people to drink it all. It’s not them who has to carefully take it back into the kitchen to wash it out afterwards. It stinks the fucking place out when it goes on the upholstery and carpet.

TDJJ: “Finally, how do you see the future panning out if the government stick to this vague law, regardless of your efforts?”

LD: “We already have to do nightly counts on the condiments to see if the numbers match up with the amount of meals we sold that day. I can only see the problem worsening, and we’d probably get to point when we have to do these counts once an hour. I suppose it’ll be me who has to pay for security to stand by the area where we have the condiments. And don’t get me started on the amount of napkins that some people take.”