By Resident Futurist Syd Bitter

Citizens of the UK in this difficult time are all too aware of what other countries are doing in the wake of the Coronavirus, with some of them shutting down, closing everything but hospitals, chemists and shops to buy toilet paper from. One idea that has been proposed, the prospect of closing down all schools and colleges, has been met with fierce criticism in some quarters. The argument is that by doing this would create a chain reaction, that parents would be forced to quit work in order to look after their kids, therefore they won’t get as much cash coming in, and then the bills won’t get paid, then they’ll lose their house, they’ll then live on the street, then eventually out of desperation, feed on wildlife. The government has announced that those who earn over a certain amount will be eligible for Statutory Sick Pay, but have been a bit vague with plans for those in low earning jobs, employees on zero hour contracts, the self-employed, the unemployed, the semi-retired, freelance clowns… the list seems endless. But in an exclusive interview, I spoke with top government spokesman Thomas Eighthundred, who would like to use this platform to ease the worries of most of the population.

TDJJ: “Thank-you Mr Eighthundred for giving The Daily JabJab your time. You’ve heard all the cynics out there, and you know of the many scared denizens of these isles. What is the government going to do to alleviate their stress?”

TE: “We know of this chain of events that would definitely happen if we close the schools and colleges. There would be many, many people unable to work from home as a result, and would probably be sacked for taking too many days off in a row, whether they’ve got the virus or not. They’d be seen as workshy and lazy, so good riddance. What we’re proposing, then, is they get their own robot to perform the tasks at their workplace, partly controlled by them in the safety of their own home.”

TDJJ: “Okay. So much to unpack here. Erm, would these robots be fit for all tasks, like in a bakery, or in sales, anything that involves water?”

TE: “Well, the robots are standard issue humanoid military-grade systems, so it’d be up to the individual to control them if their job requires specific things like in the jobs you mention. Plus jobs in the creative arts. In fact, these machines haven’t yet been through beta testing, so they still might be a little combative. But in these desperate times we feel the need to fast track them into society, albeit for reasons they weren’t built or programmed for. I’m sure it’d be fine once they get the hang of things, I’ve been told they can learn and adapt.”

TDJJ: “And these robots would only be partly controlled by the individual workers?”

TE: “Yes. We’ve outsourced this project to an external corporation who’ve financed everything. They don’t want the working class to have complete control of their creations. They’ll pull the reins in if one of these proles get ideas above their pay grade.”

TDJJ: “How many of these robots are there?”

TE: “We’d be utilising the seven foot ones, they’re the smallest. I’ve not been given the exact amount of them we have, only that there’s more than enough for this mission. Incidentally, the largest ones are 30 feet tall, and have the ability to clip together to make an even bigger one, should the need arise. A bit like Voltron. It sounds flipping cool to be honest.”

TDJJ: “What situation would need a gigantic robot?”

TE: “Alien invasion. We don’t know how big they’ll be. Whether the threat comes from space or from beneath the oceans from another dimension somehow, we’ve got it covered.”

TDJJ: “Can these robots talk?”

TE: Not yet. The corporation said they haven’t had the time to sort this out because of the imminent rush to get them on the streets. But they can point, so as long as there’s signs around that the other robots can understand, say, terms and conditions when it comes to securing a holiday package or new car. Or take directions when filming a TV advert.”

TDJJ: “Are these robots user friendly, easy to operate?”

TE: “I’m not sure. As I said, the corporation would do most of the work, it’ll just be the individual employees controlling how they perform the job roles. It sounds easy enough, now I think about it, given the corporation’s insistence on ultimate control.”

TDJJ: “I’m not so sure. Don’t you see any serious issues with this? If the robots can learn and adapt, do you feel they could possibly start thinking for themselves after a while?”

TE: “I’m no expert, that’s why we gave this corporation a lot of autonomy on this. I’m sure they know what they’re doing. Listen, these robots would be immune to any viruses, there’s no evidence that anything could kill them. And I feel that our forward thinking would save so many jobs for these low earners and general scroungers. This news will reverberate around the world, and I’m sure other countries will follow our step into this brave new future. That’s what I’ve been told anyway.”


By Resident Nostalgic Dissatisfaction Expert Roland Cress

They say that your school days are the best days of your life. In reality though, only certain sections of society actually agree with this. Nerds, kids with weight problems, the weird ones, quiet ones, small ones… the list goes on, are all on record disputing this so-called truism, making a mockery of it all. However, life can turn around for former undesirables, as was found out when one of them attended the 10th anniversary reunion for St. Hundredhandslap High School, in Stroud, Gloucestershire. In the years since his time at the school, 26-year old Crispin Transit has improved his hygiene regimen, and has even worked his way up the corporate ladder to a respectable assistant supervisor position at an out-of-town tile merchant. He remembers being picked on by a bunch of popular kids, who also attended the barely-organised quiet get together in a nearby pub.

The group, who called themselves Goaty and co after nominal leader Shane Goat, had remained firm friends since leaving school, and were looking forward to seeing their former classmate to continue their light-hearted bullying. Sadly, due to Mr Transit’s life improvement, they didn’t have the chance to perform their old routine, which includes a lengthy poetic ode to how he smells and likes girls toys. I interviewed a disconsolate Mr Goat, who had to fight back the tears on several occasions throughout, as he describes his sadness from the recent event.

TDJJ: “Mr Goat, I can only imagine your disappointment right now. Your evening plans for you and your group were ruined by the sheer temerity of someone who had bettered themselves.”

SG: “I know, it’s a real shame. We got together the night before in order to get back into the swing of things. I couldn’t remember all the words to the song we used to shout at him as we took turns kicking his satchel around. After a few hours drinking we got the routine down as closely as we could. But it was all for nothing.”

TDJJ: “What was your group’s initial reaction when seeing Mr Transit for the first time in a decade?”

SG: “Well, Wicksy said he saw him now and again walking down the street. Transit avoided his eye contact all the time, which I still find funny, but yeah, it’s been years for me. We sought him out in the crowd, but weren’t sure it was him at first, he’s since shaved his shit bumfluff beard off, though he still had those weird ears. But he looked more assured with himself, talking to some girl none of us can quite remember. Becky something, who was laughing with him. His smell of biscuits and paint had also gone, which was the first thing I noticed. And that’s when I suspected our rehearsed routine of old was under threat.”

TDJJ: “How did he respond to you and your group?”

SG: “He hesitated for a bit, but then attempted to shake my hand. I was tempted to let bygones be bygones, but I had a reputation to uphold, even though I was an adult now with a kid. But I was momentarily lost for words. My brain was trained on the song and kicking combo, but this version of him didn’t reflect anything in the lyrics. Luckily, Banjo Ste began shouting at him, saying he was gay.”

TDJJ: “And was Mr Transit’s dismissive reply the reason that you started brawling with him, leading you to be escorted out by security?”

SG: “Yeah, I couldn’t believe the cheeky bastard, how dare he? After all we did to him years ago! I saw red when he just smirked and callously asked us all why we were still throwing around childish insults. I’d had a few cans before we got there, so my timing was little off. I think I hit him, but I fell onto a table, smashing various glasses and that. And I reckon my clever, articulated comebacks were too much for him, and the security staff felt they had to protect him from the witty roasting.”

TDJJ: “Did your group follow you out?”

SG: “No, they still had a few drinks left. I’m sure they avenged my enforced exit though, once they’d finished. Maybe drew a dick on his head or something. Proper classic!”

TDJJ: “Since that night, I noticed during my research that you’ve been more active on social media, calling out Mr Transit, asking for a fight, any time, any place. Have you had any response yet?”

SG: “Not yet. I can see that he’s been online and seen some of my threats. I also know he’s liked a Polly Pocket fan page as well. I took the piss out him for this but he’s since blocked me. It’s proper weird isn’t it? A grown man clinging to something he liked doing when he was at school.”


By Boxing Correspondent Evander Holymackerel

One of the main problems with modern boxing, according to those who ply their trade in the sport in any capacity, is the amount of sanctioning bodies involved creating confusion and frustration at all times, what with their own politics, agendas, and the many belts available in the numerous weight divisions. There’s so many belts available, even you or I could be some kind of world champion right now without knowing. Ridiculous. Though the sanctioning bodies themselves won’t agree with any of this, as there’s too much money involved, some recent news they have agreed with, after a meeting lasting seven hours, is that they are to combine their efforts equally into a new format which sounds very similar to a professional wrestling tournament.

When the details of this new format was explained at a press conference, there was a lot of concern for the boxers in the small weight classes, and another potential major issue is the very idea of what’s required for each boxer involved, throwing all logical boxing strategies out of the window. Despite the backlash and angry comments online from pugilistic purists, the tournament’s show runner, Maximillian Okayjim, has remained firm in his decision that no changes are to be made. I interviewed Mr Okayjim at his gym to find out more.

TDJJ: “Okay Mr Okayjim, for those not aware of this new format in boxing, which you say will revolutionise the sport, can you please explain to the less hardcore fans what to expect.”

RO: “Well, the rumours are true, we have taken inspiration from WWE for this idea, but we’ve amended a few things to cater it more for boxing. Boxerz Rumblez Contestz is gonna be a tournament where thirty boxers are going to battle it out until there’s just one man standing. So, yeah, a bit like the Royal Rumble, even down to each boxer entering the ring every thirty seconds.”

TDJJ: “And this will involve boxers from all weight classes?”

RO: “Every weight class will be represented, yes.”

TDJJ: “I think that’s the main reason why health and safety experts are so concerned. A heavyweight boxer, who could exceed 270lbs in weight would surely do a lot of damage to one of the straw weight boxers, who have the physique of a nine year old. Can you explain why you haven’t really addressed this potential bloodbath?”

RO: “Okay, what these people don’t seem to understand, I said in the press conference that several boxers could gang up on any other. The rule is you need to uppercut a boxer out of the ring in order to eliminate them. There might be an in-ring situation where a few of the smaller boxers work together and simultaneously uppercut a heavyweight in order to do this. That’s what makes it so exciting.”

TDJJ: “But you do understand that boxing has always been a solitary sport, always one against one. Can you understand why the purists out there are losing their collective shit online about this?”

RO: “I understand to a point, but they’ve gotta move with the times. We anticipated UFC doing something similar, it sounds more up their street, but we’ve quite literally beaten them to the punch. These fans are always whining about having too many champions and belts, but they need to realise that the one man standing at the end of the tournament would be seen as the champion of boxing full stop. This is the fairest way. This is the only way.”

TDJJ: “I know you have a lot of powerful businessmen friends who have financed this, with many billions at your disposal in order to make things happen. Was there any boxers that refused your offers to be involved?”

RO: “Some of the top ranked boxers in the lighter weights were concerned, so we just got a few of the fringe contenders who were more grateful for the TV exposure. They were loads cheaper as well.”

TDJJ: “I’m a big fan of the Royal Rumble, as I’m sure a lot of others out there are. Will there be any other similar Rumble rules implemented? Maybe older boxers, any surprise contenders in store?”

RO: “Of course, sure, that was the first thing we discussed. Retired boxers, non-boxers, jobbing actors and minor celebs have all been talked about, there’s gonna be a lot of surprising entrants. But not women. We’re even in advanced talks about having a bunch of certain marsupials who are known for their boxing abilities. We’re working with a few animal rights organisations for that one. But money talks. The money we’ve saved on average boxers and forgettable TV actors is being thrown at these animals.”


By Internet Miscellany Correspondent Kevin Rotor

At the turn of the 21st century, the internet was a very different place than it is today. There was no social media, cat videos didn’t make up 85% of YouTube as YouTube wasn’t around yet, and all information ever hadn’t been uploaded like it has nowadays. This meant that unverifiable facts were being spread amongst those who had access to the many awfully colour schemed websites which passed for graphic design back then. One of the main facts which perpetuated was that musician Marilyn Manson was actually the kid who was Kevin’s best friend in the Wonder Years TV show. Sure, you could see a kind of resemblance, and this was good enough for everyone until it was debunked with the discovery that the two names of the actual people behind the characters were different. But recently, a semi-retired freelance detective from Frome in Somerset, 61-year old Fred Jinkeys has reopened the case himself. He feels that there’s more to the situation than first thought, and his findings are actually a twist on the original story. I interviewed Mr Jinkeys inside his car, parked near to the local library he’s barred from for reasons he won’t talk about.

TDJJ: “My Jinkeys, what made you want to re-assess this particular case, which, you must realise, has long been proven to be false?”

FJ: “I was working on my current job, which had me searching for the thief who’s been stealing lingerie from local washing lines, but I’d hit a roadblock. I was getting increasingly frustrated with not being able to work out the culprit’s excuse should the poilce get involved. I punched the book case behind me to vent my anger, and one of my case files fell off which is full with myths of the internet. I started to read The Marilyn Manson Wonder Years Case in a break from my current work, and I started digging into it all. After a few days I realised that the supposed myth was still true, but not in the way it was originally laid out.”

TDJJ: “What did you find out?”

FJ: “If my sleuthing is correct, then it’s that Paul Joshua Pfeiffer, who was played by Josh Saviano in The Wonder Years, is actually Marilyn Manson the band, and not Brian Warner, who’s supposedly the singer for the band and not the band itself.”

TDJJ: “So, the TV character Paul Joshua Pfeiffer is the band Marilyn Manson?”

FJ: “Yes, as far as I can tell. I’ve not slept for several days.”

TDJJ: “Then who’s Brian Warner?”

FJ: “I’m not sure yet, I’m working on it. But Paul Joshua Pfeiffer is definitely the band.”

TDJJ: “But there’s a lot of footage showing the band having multiple people in, it’s well documented.”

FJ: “They’re just regular musicians, people that happen to be the same pub or arena where Paul is playing as Marilyn Manson. Kind of like The Lightning Seeds or Maroon 7–”

TDJJ: “Maroon 5.”

FJ: “Yeah, the lead singer’s the only one person you associate with that band. If that makes sense.”

TDJJ: “Hmm, I’m not sure–”

FJ: “Listen, I know it sound weird, but the person who came up with the original so-called fact all those years ago was just getting a few of the details twisted round. So my new research doesn’t sound that far out when you think about it.”

TDJJ: “I’ve just checked Wikipedia on my phone. Says Paul Joshua Pfeiffer is, and always has been a fictional character, and Josh Saviano is a lawyer now.”

FJ: “That must be his day job. Remember, you don’t have to be working Monday to Friday 9-5 when you’re a world famous metal band. The gigs are at night and you can easily record an album on the weekends, or even on paid holidays. He’s been doing this for years.”

TDJJ: “But you’re now talking about Josh Saviano. You’ve been saying it was the character he played in The Wonder Years that was Marilyn Manson the band.”

FJ: “Look, I’ve got tons of paperwork at home which in my eyes proves unequivocally that Paul Joshua Pfeiffer, fictional character or not, is the band. I don’t know where Brian Warner fits into the equation yet. He could actually be the fictional one, not Kevin’s friend from the show.”

TDJJ: “I’m a bit lost with this. Was Paul Joshua Pfeiffer based on anyone in real life, when they were writing the series?”

FJ: “I’m working on this, I’d have to watch it again. There’s a box set isn’t there?”

TDJJ: “I believe so. So what are your plans when you get to whatever conclusion you end up with? To be honest, I’m not convinced at the moment, but remain open minded. I’m a rare breed of journalist.”

FJ: “I’ll set up a subscription-only website and put the entirety of my findings online. People nowadays are so cynical on the internet, what with their views on gender politics, sexism in public places and wearing women’s clothing under your own, so by showing all my working out will add credulity to this story. I even think Brian Warner and Josh Saviano would show up together to show that once and for all they are not the same person. But I bet you don’t see Paul Joshua Pfeiffer with them. Makes you think, doesn’t it?”

TDJJ: “I think so. I’ll have to re-read all this.”


By Resident Household Essentials Expert Gordon Conscious

The recent effect of panic buying certain items by citizens all over the world has sent the companies who make them into overdrive, with many of them simply unable to keep up with the demand. It has been suggested that hand gel and bread are becoming increasingly rare, and they’ll soon become more valuable than gold, leaving online prices too ridiculous for everyone apart from celebrities. The same goes for the toilet roll shortages, as too many people are getting embroiled in large brawls in shops over stock, with experts expecting the news of the first fatalities from such battles to emerge in the next few days. But while this situation of stockpiling these products is now officially out of hand, one manufacturer is rubbing their collective hands with glee, as they expect sales of their product to go through the roof. Tracy’s Tracing Traders, a moderately-sized company on a Grimsby industrial estate who ply their trade in tracing paper, have increased their staff fivefold in anticipation of increased workload. I interviewed manager Tracy Receptacle in her office to enquire on how she feels her idea in incremental industry is instantly insisted.

TDJJ: “Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, I can see you’re very busy. Why do you feel justified for hiring so many more employees just so you can make more tracing paper?”

TR: “Well, we’ve all seen the photos and videos of empty shelves in shops where toilet roll should be. I saw a literal gap in the market, and I also remembered how as a child, the bog roll at school resembled tracing paper which was mildly painful to use, but there was no sensible alternative. I put two and two together and thought, with a half-hearted advertising campaign aimed at people with nothing to wipe their arses with, we could be selling our wares like there’s no tomorrow. Which mirrors the outlook of these bloodthirsty shoppers.”

TDJJ: “Ah yes, I remember using that stuff at primary school. Very uncomfortable.”

TR: “But it was either using that or using your sleeve. I’m hoping that despite the ongoing toilet roll drought, people are still civilised enough not to use their clothing when finishing up their business.”

TDJJ: “I don’t think we’re that feral yet. I can see the logic of tracing paper being a moderately agreeable substitute.”

TR: “Yes, and I’m also hoping that the parents out there, or basically anyone over 30 having nostalgia for this kind of stuff, like they do for certain films and music they remember as a child. Pink custard, that kind of thing.”

TDJJ: “So your advertising campaign is going to be aimed towards people who grew up in the 80s and 90s?”

TR: “Precisely, then those people would influence their kids or other children into doing the same, making it sound cool and retro. Happy memories passing from generation to generation.”

TDJJ: “With all the panicking happening right now, and no signs of it abating any time soon, how are you going to make sure that your campaign is going to have maximum effect in such a short amount of time?”

TR: “While it’s true about there being no end in sight, we’re keenly aware that this could change any day, depending on the daily scare stories. We’re confidently going to start advertising on the usual social media outlets, primarily Twitter. When these people are looking for the next shops to fight in over shortages, that’s where our adverts will be.”

TDJJ: “Have you secured any older celebrities from back in the day to help your advertising? I hear a lot of them are quite cheap to use.”

TR: “Yeah, we’ve got a couple of people from Grange Hill and we’re using the original theme tune. Also, we’ve used de-ageing CGI on David Hasselhoff to make him look like he did on Knight Rider, which was a partial success. Sadly, we had to cheat on the reconstructions when showing kids using our tracing paper, as no modern children have 80s hair so we had to employ wigs.”

TDJJ: “And have you thought of a catchy slogan?”

TR: “We’re working on it. We’re struggling to come up with something that rhymes with Spandau Ballet, while making sure it makes sense within the context of our campaign. Anyone out there with suggestions please get in touch, time is of the essence.”


By Resident Removals Expert Pat Hosiery

The world of the paranormal has been rocked with the recent news of how estate agents have forcibly removed a family of ghosts from one of their properties. One of the managers of Came, Saw & Censored, Burt Censored, has defended his company’s decision as the house viewings were almost always cut short when potential buyers became aware of eerie groans and a foul stench coming from the cellar. The house, which is 64 Bitconsole Street in Fenham, Newcastle, is where the Freeling family used to live. Records show that unfortunately they all died in 1794 of dysentery, in the basement. Mr Censored has stated that it’s been the last 20 years that the noises and smells have really become a problem. They’ve driven out several families in that time, and word of the hauntings have meant that, despite a drastic cut in valuation, they still haven’t been able to shift it. However, the eviction has meant that the Freeling family have taken to wandering the streets clanking around and groaning, with the putrid smell following them in their wake, leaving residents both scared and disgusted. I interviewed the mother of the family, Isabel, via a local medium to ask how this situation could be rectified, and they could then finally find peace.

TDJJ: “Hello, Isabel. Erm, can you hear me?”

IF: “Aye, loud and clear. I’m sat right next to you pet. Sorry about the smell, it’s my dress. Got shit everywhere.”

TDJJ: “Erm, th-that’s fine. Sorry, I’ve never communicated with someone from the other side. What’s it like?”

IF: “Well I can only vouch for me and the family, it’s not been a happy time lately.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, I’m sorry to hear what happened with the estate agents–”

IF: “I wouldn’t mind, but we were there for over two hundred year. I get that we were making a racket and that in the basement, but we weren’t given any notice at all. I’m sure we had 30 days or something, but I can’t find me paperwork.”

TDJJ: “To be honest I don’t know the rulings when it comes to ghosts. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but you and your family’s moaning and smell have literally been kicking up a stink with the locals as you wander aimlessly around the block.”

IF: “It’s distressing for my two daughters, Martha and Agnes. They were only 12 and 14 when the illness got them. They haven’t seen anywhere else but the insides of that house. They don’t like the unknown. So I apologise for their constant moaning.”

TDJJ: “It must’ve been a terrible time, I believe dysentery was a big cause of death back then.”

IF: “Aye, I think my uncle gave it to us when he came round with his piano. Wiped us all out, along with some neighbours, including her from number 73 who I knew my husband were having liaisons with. So there was a bit of good fortune.”

TDJJ: “Where do you think you’d go to next?”

IF: “We had a look in the library, but we got bored. Not as many books as I recall. Also we floated to what we thought were a hotel, but it just had a load of people being really immoral with each other. Not a place for my daughters to grow up in. What kind of world is this, where so many people can procreate in the same place?”

TDJJ: “I honestly don’t know of that house. Can I ask why the estate agents said that your ‘activity’ was more apparent in the last 20 years or so?”

IF: “There was this family who bought the house in 1999, and they were wallpapering the front room one day. Thing is, when I found out that my husband Isaac were seeing that harlot, I threw him out on ear. At the time, we had no wallpaper in the front room, and in a moment of anger I wrote, “Blasted beard splitter”, which were swearing at the time, in big letters across the wall. Now this family removed my writing, which I guess woke us up from my peace and I felt it was as though Isaac’s infidelity was being erased or summat. Unfortunately I woke my daughters from their eternal slumber as well. They understand though, he was a right shag-bag.”

TDJJ: “Do you know what happened to him?”

IF: “No, I haven’t bothered to look it up. He’s dead now anyway. Probably went back to her, and she probably give him the disease in the afterlife. Good.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel that if you were able to go back in the house to write it again on the wall, that would put things back as they were? I could have a word with the estate agents about how the words need to stay on there.”

IF: “Aye, could give it a go I suppose.”

I gave Isabel my pen and she and her daughters went back into the house. The medium and I had to wait outside as we’re unable to pass through locked doors. After a few minutes, the medium told me that they had crossed over again. We checked, and saw the words back once again on the wall, with a thanks written at the bottom. All I’ve got to do now is to come up with a believable story for the estate agents explaining the ripped wallpaper and vulgar 18th century language, and why it should never be removed.


By Resident Kung Fu Master Cedric Hwoarang

The art of fighting was established millions of years ago, probably starting when man first walked the earth, with cave paintings depicting scraps between cavemen, usually with one of them trying to impress their girlfriend. Over time, various fighting disciplines were established through the years, which became known as martial arts, and began being taught around the world. Cut to the present day, and many of these fighting styles are still around, with their philosophies, grading and ways of impressing girlfriends remaining intact. However, an 11 year old lad from Uttoxeter in Staffordshire, Bruce Norris, has recently quit his Shotokan karate lessons, as he feels that the discipline is impractical in this day and age. He has since begun working on a new fighting style, mainly to mock those who have stuck out the lessons for more than five weeks and have gotten higher belts as a result. I interviewed Mr Norris in his dad’s garage while he goes through a few of his fighting routines.

TDJJ: “Bruce, when did you realise that Shotokan karate wasn’t for you?”

BN: “I saw a pattern forming in the stuff we had to do. The sensei people were showing us how to punch and kick and stuff, and we were then told to do this sequence called a kata or something. This involved walking and punching a few times in a straight line, then turning around and doing it the other way. I never saw the logic, this isn’t how fighting works, but I stuck with it for a bit anyway, thinking it’d get better when you start using weapons. It got to a test day or something, and we had to do the kata thing, and I kept “failing” and had to keep doing it again and again. After the fourth time, I was getting pissed off and gave up, told everyone to fuck off and left.”

TDJJ: “I don’t know much about combat sports, but this kata thing might be something to teach you discipline in some way.”

BN: “But it wouldn’t work in a fight! There were times in the lessons where we’d get in a circle and a couple of people had a karate fight, but none of them were doing a kata, they were fighting like you see in films, but not quite as good.”

TDJJ: “Don’t they tell you that you can’t use your martial arts outside of the lessons?”

BN: “Yeah, that’s another thing. You learn all this stuff, and probably some death moves as well when you’re a black belt, but you’re not allowed to use them in the playground? What if the other kid had a knife? Why would I be only allowed to use regular shit in that situation, when I have all these special moves at my disposal? I don’t watch it any more, but the Ninja Turtles would be shit if they were restricted in the same way.”

TDJJ: “Did you consider learning any other forms of fighting at all?”

BN: “I looked at a few others on the internet, but they looked very basic for me. Thing is, I don’t have the patience to get to a point where they’d eventually teach you the stuff you see in films. I want to know how to fight like they do in The Raid 1 and 2 and Bloodsport now!”

TDJJ: “Despite these frustrations, you’ve been inspired enough to start creating your own martial art in response. How’s that been progressing?”

BN: “It’s going all right. Not got a name for it yet, but it’s not got any bits where you have to walk in a line. That’s asking for trouble when fighting some kid because he’s got a shit coat on. There’s a bit of dancing to confuse the opponent, and also moves to make the other kid think you’re hurt. He’ll then come forward with his guard down all confident and you just kick and punch the dick until he’s fucked on the floor. You’re also gonna be able to use weapons. Why wouldn’t you use a loose paving stone, as long as you can lift it? Or a broken bottle? Remember, they’d do the same to you.”

TDJJ: “Sound like you’ve been thinking a lot about this. Have you given much thought about an end game for yourself?”

BN: “What?”

TDJJ: “I mean, what are your future plans? Is there a goal that you’re working towards?”

BN: “I’m gonna perfect my martial art first then get a few mates, like Nash and Kev, and get together and come up with a menacing name to call our gang, and probably decide on wearing black karate suits. I’ll then train up other kids until there’s about 20 of us, then walk into the Shotokan place as a gang and challenge them to a fight.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel you’d get to a point where you could fight someone who’s a black belt? I imagine they‘d be pretty good.”

BN: “Yeah, I’d do it next week if it was just me. It’s just that all his mates would join in when I’m winning, and I’d need people with me that are similarly skilled in my fighting style to back me up. The karate people might be able to kick and punch faster than me, but can they dodge house bricks? Possibly, for a bit, but we’re going to bring loads of them. One of them’s bound to hit, isn’t it? That’ll be one of the many advantages of my martial art over theirs. Plus, all the black belts there are all proper old.”


By Resident Escapologist Expert Dewey Mc Swan

One of the most popular truisms in life is that you can’t run away from your problems, as they’ll still be there, and it doesn’t solve anything. It’s estimated that about 98% of the world’s population has tried to run away from tricky situations at least once, but doing this had indeed exacerbated the situation. Most people learn this by their own errors, or have seen other people’s lives fall apart when they attempted to avoid the unavoidable, and vowed to not do it themselves. But a 65-year old retired actor from Essex has proven to be the exception to the rule, and is even profiting 10 years after his problems first arose. I interviewed Alf Glassback, the man who made a million from his running away and made a mockery of the apparent aphorism, outside a bar near his villa in Marbella.

TDJJ: “Mr Glassback, you’ve told me that doing this interview will probably make you sound a bit selfish and unlikeable. But that’s not your intention is it?”

AG: “Not at all. If people hear me out, they’d understand why I’ve done what I’ve done for 10 years now. You see, I was a jobbing actor back in the day, struggling to get any decent work apart from a few pantos and being a Father Christmas in a shop one year. My dream was to be in an action movie franchise like the Bourne ones, where you go round doing stuff knowing that the government or someone is tracking you all the time. The adrenaline must be a proper rush, looking over your shoulder during your waking hours, anticipating being shot with a tranquilliser at any moment.”

TDJJ: “But you gave up the acting gig didn’t you?”

AG: “Yeah, unfortunately I wasn’t making enough money, so I thought if I can’t act as though I’m Jason Bourne, I could be one by getting a job doing what he does. Or used to do, as in the films he can’t remember or something. I spent all our savings on getting a one way ticket to America to get a job with the CIA, but I read the map wrong when going to the interview. I realised I’d be about an hour late if I got on the right bus from where I was when I realised my error, so decided not to go. They wouldn’t tolerate lateness, not in that line of work.”

TDJJ: “How did you get back home if you only had a one-way ticket and no money?”

AG: “The missus had to get the cash transferred from her dad’s account. I’d be lying if I said she was pleased to do this. I stayed at my brother’s flat for a few months when I got back. This confirmed to me that they all hated me.”

TDJJ: “How did you pay off all the debts? Did you at least end things amicably with your ex?”

AG: “Not really. It was tricky because it involved a few credit card companies, selling things that weren’t mine in pubs and getting in hot water with a few of the local uncredited debt collectors. So it was a bit like robbing Peter to pay Paul, only there were loads of Peters.”

TDJJ: “Is that how you ended up here?”

AG: “Yeah. Thing is, I got this idea as I’ve read quite a few articles about people going to places like here to start a new life. And to be honest, the constant bickering I’d been getting from my brother and everyone else was annoying me, so I just got on a plane to escape. And ten years later, I’m still here! But I tell you what, knowing that I could be accosted at any moment from anyone from back home is thrilling. My anxiety rises every time I see a plane in the sky, half expecting my brother or someone on there baying for my blood. It’s feels like I’m in a really long action film, it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”

TDJJ: “But how have you made your fortune?”

AG: “Well I’ve been doing the circuit around here, telling my daring story in the bars and restaurants for a small fee. This soon became a lucrative business, it seems everyone wants to hear a triumphant tale of someone overcoming the odds. Eventually, I had enough to start funding a Spanish TV series loosely based on my exploits. Even after 10 years of living here I’ve not bothered to learn the language, as I prefer to just point and shout slowly – hey, I’m English – so unfortunately I couldn’t play myself in the show. It’s still a great success, running for several seasons now. I think my decision for me to have several wives at the same time in the show, who are all always in a state of undress helps the ratings. That’s how I make my fortune. Couldn’t be happier.”

TDJJ: “And do you think your past will ever come back to haunt you?”

AG: “After my fictional wives have left my trailer and I make the way to my palatial villa alone, I do think there’d be a day when it’d happen, during the quiet times. The tension’s electric, amplified further after a few whiskeys and lager. Makes me paranoid, that combination. So I’d say if you’re an adrenalin junkie like me, cause enough problems like I did then run away. It’s great fun!”


By Rubbish Correspondent Frank Discourse

If you watch any documentary about Earth, or have seen any sci fi film where aliens come to visit our planet and air their views on what they see, one thing that is always made certain – that humankind are killing the planet, we don’t recycle properly and it’s only a matter of time before we drown in our own filth. Either that or futuristic cyborgs overthrow us and we then go the same way as the dinosaurs. But one council employee from Slough believes he has the perfect hypothesis to not only stop our slow march to oblivion, but to also reverse the damage already done. 62-year old Barry Watchskies has been working for Slough Council for three years as a Site Recycling Assistant, and quickly made his name for making radical decisions about how things could be done better. His latest idea was initially criticised within his own department, but he’s since sent an email to U.S. Government Agency NASA, such is his confidence with his proposal. I interviewed Mr Watchskies in his local pub during his dinner break, to find out how this situation is progressing.

TDJJ: “Mr Watchskies, I’m potentially only the third person to read your proposal, including yourself, and I believe if NASA take your plan on board, this will be truly be world saving. So for the benefit of everyone out there, can you sum up your plan?”

BW: “Well, I’ll admit that the idea has already been shut down for various reasons in the past, but I reckon we should somehow fire all the Earth’s rubbish into space instead of further polluting the very surface of where we walk. I get the scepticism, but with almost daily news about life being found on other planets, who’s to say that the aliens won’t like what we’re sending up? It might be food for them. Literally food for thought.”

TDJJ: “Interesting theory. You sound like you know the reasons why this hasn’t been put in place before: the astronomical costs, the issue of how to actually transport it all, gravity itself…”

BW: “I get all that, but surely we need to move forward before it’s too late. What’s more important – survival of the human race or saving a bit of cash? We’ll be saving all the animals as well. I for one like having pets. It’s worth a go if you ask me.”

TDJJ: “How did you come up with this plan including aliens?”

BW: “I woke up from a dream one night last week. I’d been watching Superman IV a few times and drinking heavily earlier that day. The film’s not very good, but it goes on about Superman throwing nuclear weapons into space. I know we don’t have anyone with his ability on Earth in order to do that, but it got me thinking: what if we use rockets to throw a few batches of trash up there? Kind of like throwing bait into a river when fishing? Then just wait and see what aliens pick up the scent. The law of averages dictate that we’re not alone in this universe, there must be a race of beings out there who would find use in old mattresses, broken crockery and mouldy fish.”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing you’d have trackers on all the rubbish?”

BW: “Exactly, as well as cameras. Then all we’ve got to do is follow the co-ordinates, then transport the whole lot to them on a weekly basis, say every Friday. Plus there’d be a point in the aggressive expansion of the operation where we could then start on the contents of current landfills.”

TDJJ: “And you were laughed at by the colleague you first told?”

BW: “Yeah, he couldn’t believe that I’d spent all night thinking about it. But I’m used to having people doubt my ideas of improving the planet. My proposal for making everyone own a goat, in order to allow it to eat their trash was also dismissed. But goats will eat anything, so long as you don’t give it anything else to do. But this idea is definitely going to work. That’s why I emailed NASA, such is my faith in the idea. I’m no scientist or good at maths, but I’m sure they could do something with this. All I ask for is recognition and an asteroid to be named after me.”

TDJJ: “Have you heard anything back yet?”

BW: “No, but I remain hopeful. I’m guessing they’re very busy with making new discoveries in space, things that are currently unfathomable to our feeble human minds.”

TDJJ: “What would you do if they also dismiss your hypothesis, or not respond at all?”

BW: “I’m confident they’d get round to answer. This is right up their street, it’s what they get paid for. Listen, I couldn’t possibly understand the motivations of a completely different species not from this Earth, I got shit grades at school, but these people are scientists and everything!”


By Supernatural Grappling Correspondent Sid “Crazed” Integrity

The recent wrestling title fight that took place at a community centre in Kirkburton, Huddersfield between Ronald “Mean Bean” Horsefist and Vinny “E-I-E-I” O’ Farm, has been controversially declared a no-contest. The match was won by Mr O’ Farm via his finishing move The Cattle Clutch, a variant of the Full Nelson. Once Mr Horsefist tapped out, the crowd went wild as Mr O’ Farm held aloft the much sought after WWKH Championship belt above his head, fulfilling a life long dream. However, his post-fight interview aroused suspicion as the new champion explained that he felt his ancestors in there helping him. The video of the fight was then studied, and the resulting decision to strip Mr O’ Farm of the title was made as there was indeed a few faintly visible figures in the ring with him. I interviewed Mr O’ Farm in his trailer on a supermarket car park, to find out his opinions in light of these events.

TDJJ: “Mr O’ Farm, I appreciate that you’re still furious with this decision, but can you understand why it was made?”

VO’F: “The thing I don’t get, I know the WWKH rules about getting illegal help in the ring. Basically, you can’t have anyone in the ring illegally to influence the fight. That’s an automatic disqualification for the wrestler being helped, and the fight is deemed a no-contest. Says nothing about ghosts in there.”

TDJJ: “Have you seen the video of the fight?”

VO’F: “Yes, I insisted. The video’s a bit blurry and shaky to be honest. It was filmed by some bloke in the crowd on his phone. But, yeah, you can just about make out three spooky figures in there, visibly phasing in and out as the match wore on.”

TDJJ: “And you confirmed that these were ghosts of your ancestors?”

VO’F: “Well, I couldn’t deny it to be honest. My Great Granddad, Grandad and dad all wrestled in distinctive luminous yellow and pink singlets, like myself, so when they showed up on the video, you could’ve knocked me down with a feather.”

TDJJ: “Incidentally, no one in the community centre, not even Mr Horsefist, said they saw any paranormal activity in there. You mentioned that you could feel their help, but couldn’t you see them in the ring yourself?”

VO’F: “No, I was in the zone, too focused on the dangerous opponent in front of me. I never believed in ghosts or things like that anyway, I thought all that stuff sounded a bit silly. But this changed everything.”

TDJJ: “According to WWKH officials, after reviewing the footage, there was a moment near the end when Mr Horsefist suddenly fell to the mat shortly after the top rope appeared to bend on its own. Video analysts said that an almost see through man had clotheslined him, thus allowing you to put him in your Cattle Clutch move to win the match. This was the main indication that some foul play was afoot. What did you make of Mr Horsefist’s sudden fall near the end?”

VO’F: “I know he’s got a history of heart issues, he is pushing 80 after all, so I just felt that he was having another one of his turns. But either way, no one gets out of…THE CATTLE CLUTCH!”

TDJJ: “I don’t think now’s a good time for your gloating, he’s only just been taken out of intensive care, there’s still a way for him to go yet. Were you aware that WWKH are now reviewing a lot of your older matches, to see if there’s any similar foul play?”

VO’F: “They did make me aware, and now I’m concerned that people will view me as a fraud, that I had somehow conjured up my dead relatives to gain unfair advantages, which is downright ludicrous. As I said, I didn’t think all that stuff even existed.”

TDJJ: “There’s been renewed interest in the documentary on your late father, Donnie “Duck” O’ Farm, particularly his relationship with you, as he was always telling you that you’d be a champion like him and the others in your family. Do you think that they came back out of frustration, as it took you over 40 years to finally win the title?”

VO’F: “I hope not. I felt as thought I’d win the fight anyway, as by that time Ronald was wheezing and clutching his heart in between all the fake punching and moonsaults. Listen, I’ve been in this wrestling game for almost 60 years now, loyal to the Huddersfield Community Centre whenever they held these tournaments. I could’ve gone to the bigger promotions in America, but I kept to my roots to honour my family. They should keep out of my business, they’ve had their time.”

TDJJ: “If the enquiry shows that you qualified for the title fight on your own merit, would you give Mr Horsefist a rematch? He’s called you out on a video he made on his hospital bed.”

VO’F: “Yeah, and it’ll go the same way, ghosts or no ghosts. I know you’re reading this, Horsefist, you’re gonna feel pain. When we meet in the ring again, I’m gonna make sure everyone sees that is wasn’t a lucky clothesline. I’m too strong, too fast, too handsome for you. And remember, no one gets out of…THE CATTLE CLUTCH!”