By Resident Internet Guru Alan Wrongsize

With recent news in the UK that non-essential shops are to close, one retailer has decided to join the crowded market of video streaming services as a way to keep their business afloat. With tougher proposals now in place, and everyone now kept indoors except for essential things like getting the beers in, Colin Foulds-Lotts – the manager of Primark in Telford – has read about the upsurge in subscriptions of these services and wants to capitalize on this trend, as the stores face temporary closure. The proposal he showed to the big cheeses wasn’t successful, but he remains undeterred. I interviewed Mr Foulds-Lotts in his office during his dinner break one day, as he feels if the public react positively to his ideas, it will give his higher-ups no choice but to move forward in this odd direction for the retailer.

TDJJ: “Mr Foulds-Lotts, this is a radical move for the company, very different from your business model, but you feel this is a necessary move for the times. Why do you feel this would be a success?”

CF-L: “Well, we know everyone is probably already bored with being stuck in the house with family members, and there’s nothing entertaining outside any more, just walking the dog, picking up prescriptions or buying alcohol to somehow make the time go quicker. I became aware that streaming services were helping to reduce the arguments and fistfights in the household, and then I started writing possible ideas down for TV shows if we were to create a streaming service of our own.”

TDJJ: “What are the ideas you have? Are you thinking of showing existing content or are you making original programmes?”

CF-L: “I found out pretty quickly how much it’d be to buy in established TV shows and films, and with time being of the essence, we have to move quickly. So after looking around the shop for inspiration, I felt we could produce a lot of quality original stuff. Stuff that our fans would love.”

TDJJ: “Like what?”

CF-L: “We have a hell of a lot of products to choose from, so I reckon we’d get a load of mileage out doing a kind of shopping channel thing where we get someone to talk about, say, a brown dress for about 20 minutes or so. There could also be a soap opera, with employees talking about their private lives to each other, with arguments and affairs aplenty. Believe me, I reckon I could get a decent amount of material together. And it wouldn’t just be the staff getting the star treatment, customers would be getting a load of screen time as well.”

TDJJ: “Would using customers be a wise idea? Would you pixelate their faces, if whatever programme they’d be used on shows them in a bad light? I’m sorry, I don’t know how all this stuff works.”

CF-L “That’s okay, these are valid questions. I’m sure the customers would be fine with us, once they saw themselves in some of the more crazy ideas I’ve thought of. We use CCTV footage to help move the narrative forward in certain shows when required.”

TDJJ: “Well I suppose that would save you a lot of time when filming, to have all that footage already.”

CF-L: “Yeah, shows like Primark’s Quaziest Queues, Wackiest Customers and Refunding Mishaps. I’ve also got some adult programming on the way, for diversity. There’s enough footage from changing room and hidden toilet cameras to spread out into several serieses. I reckon this is gonna be a big selling point, people like voyeurism, like me.

TDJJ: “So if this interview is successful and garners enough positive feedback, and the powers that be give you the nod, when could this service be available?”

CF-L: “I’m working on the footage now, working around the clock reviewing toilet videos, so it wouldn’t take long. Maybe about a week or so. The price point is also going to stay in line with other services, around £5.99 a month. I wanted a premium service as well, but upscaling low res CCTV footage to 4K is a bit too tricky.”


By Resident Ufologist Lenny Gort

Like most places around the world, the seaside resort of Shanklin on the Isle of Wight has become almost deserted, with locals locking themselves in isolation on government advice because of the pandemic. There’s been recent news of a mass monkey brawl in Thailand and some deer pottering about in Japan as a result of the virtual lock down, and some residents of the resort have reported sightings of an alleged alien shapeshifter in the area. Some have theorised that with the lack of humans around, the being feels confident enough to go out in the open, some think it’s just confused and wants to eat humans which are no longer there and has to hunt, while others think it’s just showing off its chameleon-like abilities because it can. Whatever the reason, no one in the resort want a similar situation like in Thailand with monkeys.

The fear of having hundreds of extra terrestrials scrapping for some reason, causing untold damage to street furniture and parked cars as a result, is getting too much for them. One of the local alien hunters, Gerald Gordon Golovkin – Treble G to his friends – has agreed to be interviewed by me, as he theorises what the supposed alien is, and what it could possibly want, based on his experience and the local reports.

TDJJ: ”Treble G, when did you first hear about these sightings of this so-called shapeshifter in Shanklin?”

GGG: “Pretty soon after the first report. I’m part of several alien groups online, and I feel you need to have an open mind for this kind of thing. If there’s only a single report of a sighting, it was probably a weather balloon or large cow that was actually seen. If there’s a few similar sighting from the same area, I’m more inclined to investigate immediately.”

TDJJ: “Given the case studies, what do you think is the most plausible explanation for what’s been happening?”

GGG: “Definitely a shapeshifter. One person said it looked like a man walking a dog. Or maybe it looked like the dog, leading the man to his doom. Another reported seeing an attractive woman walking a bit weird. These reports and others suggest that it can change its height and gender at will. Right now there’s no hard evidence as to its intention.”

TDJJ: “Do you think it’s looking for food? Do you think it eats people?”

GGG: “Unless it was the dog and not the walker, there’s possibly no threat. But how could an alien in dog form possibly eat a whole person? Unless it changed into the walker or that attractive woman or any of the other forms that’s been reported, out of the public eye. We need to wait, follow it and observe. Maybe narrate video footage as though it’s a wildlife show.”

TDJJ: “Do you think there’s more of them?”

GGG: “You just won’t find this out as it’s a shapeshifter. There’s been news of a local pub having a few people in last night. Maybe they were all visitors from another planet blending seamlessly into society. Maybe they’ve also grasped the English language enough to pass for humans and adopted our aggressive mannerisms after a few beers.”

TDJJ: “What do you think would happen if the government capture it?”

GGG: “I think it depends what form it’s in when they get it. If it’s anything but the attractive woman, they’d probably kill it and dissect it for scientific purposes. If it was the attractive woman, all bets are off. At the moment, there’s been no indication that it poses a threat. I’d fancy my chances if it was in the form of the attractive woman, you know, for science.”

TDJJ: “Does any part of your research and experience suggest at all that the sightings are just of different people on essential visits to the chemist or on their way to get milk or something?”

GGG: “That’d be too convenient. That’s what the media would want you to believe. But if they actually spoke to the witnesses like I’ve done, and had studied the crude drawings of the alien, particularly the attractive woman form it takes, then they’d soon reassess everything they thought they knew. This is as real as it gets.”


By Resident Gangland Expert Vincent “Secateurs” Iolent

Yet another mishap caused by underlings in local Walthamstow gang Tha Warmastahz, has led boss Ray “Big Rake” Fairbrass to reassess the process of gang member acquisition. He understands that he has to be seen as the most sensible and alpha of the group, and that means there’d naturally be less adept affiliates in the association, but he feels he has to draw the line on some of the schoolboy errors by some of the gang lately. When Mr Fairbrass enters a new territory with a view to take over control, he’s recently been subjected to a lot of jokes about his gang’s mistakes, and feels his tough image has been tarnished as a result. After murdering the guilty gang members in cold blood, he set about amending the rules for the recruitment policy – along with his right-hand man Bastard Mike – going forward. I interviewed Mr Fairbrass in his makeshift torture room, which is his mum’s basement.

TDJJ: “Thanks for taking the time for this interview, I’m aware you’re using this area as a temporary hiding place from the cops. Looks pretty intimidating in here.”

RF: “Ha, don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you, you’ve done nothing against me or my gang. I want to make my point in as many places as possible, to send the word. I’m recruiting and I’m not one to mock. Once my army is back to full strength, we’ll reclaim our rep again. Mark my fackin words!”

TDJJ: “So, what actually happened that made you decide your recruitment policy had to change?”

RF: “A fackin mix up with the word “laundering.” Fackin couple of muppets we had, Bill and fackin Ben. Instead of transferring the cash we got from various sources and funnel it through a perfectly legitimate florists, they put it in several holdalls and gave it to some fackin launderettes. Fackin money, about 50 grand, facked. When I was chainsawing the fackers, I told them they was the last idiots in my gang. And I meant that.”

TDJJ: “That’s a big mistake they made. How long were they in your gang, and who recruited them?”

RF: “They’d been a part of Tha Warmastahz for a few months, though I could tell they weren’t really into it. They both come from decent backgrounds, mostly good education at school level, and could always find an excuse to pick a fight with people on the flimsiest of reasons. They were mates of Slappy Si, who was a good lad until I murdered him for not boiling a vat of oil to the required temperature to throw a rival into.”

TDJJ: “And you feel you have to uphold this reputation, to justify your leadership?”

RF: “Exactly. I can take a bit of criticism, like for my occasional fashion faux pas, but I just can’t understand how some people can be so fackin stupid, how they get through the fackin day. It’s me what has to explain away their fackin incompetence to rival gang bosses once word gets out.”

TDJJ: “I understand your frustration. I know someone who owns a newsagents, and the stories about the idiots that end up working for him. It’s ridiculous. So what changes have you drawn up, so this doesn’t happen again?”

RF: “Well, statistically speaking, it’s best you don’t have much of an education. Street smarts are very important, but you don’t need fackin algebra or German. That slows you down, that shit! Also, dependent family members, or decent upbringing. These will fack with your conscience. The need to be out at all hours, to be able to move around the country without having to give a fack for other people is paramount. We encourage being a shit father and husband. If your missus gets fed up with your constant run ins with the law, then she obviously hasn’t got the best interests for you. They’re the main things. These were more guidelines, but now they’re fackin rules.”

TDJJ: “And I guess these amendments are in immediate effect?”

RF: Yeah. Listen, I like murdering people as much as the next man, but I hate being embarrassed in front of other gangs, have to explain another fackin idiot that inconvenienced us in some way.”


By Resident Literary Expert Cara Llama

The deal has recently been sealed for the long running YA novel series Hot Yeti to become a lucrative film franchise. The author of the series, Amanda Whiplash, is set to become a billionaire overnight, and she’s insisted that she is to direct each one, to protect her “babies”. The series revolves around a young girl called Verily, when on a hiking expedition with high school, befriends a really good looking folkloric ape-like creature. Their burgeoning romance is thrown into doubt when another folkloric being, Omar the onocentaur – a part-human, part donkey creature – arrives on the scene, wearing a leather jacket and smoking.

The ten book series covers the will she, won’t she love triangle throughout, which has caused a lot of controversy over it’s blatant glorification of bestiality. There’s not much more to the story, only that her friends and parents frown upon her choice of suitors, and the fact that it’s just so darn hard being a modern girl. The books have a very specific demographic, and the film screenplays are reported to be copied verbatim from the original text, so fans can look forward to at least an hour of each film’s running time devoted to characters staring into the middle distance and asking themself things in their mind, which for the most part doesn’t translate well on the big screen. I interviewed Mrs Whiplash, to find out more about her decision not to adapt the books to a different art style.

TDJJ: “Mrs Whiplash, you’ve taken a lot on with this deal, in that you’re also contracted to direct the films, yet you haven’t got any experience in any of the disciplines. Is your decision to not adapt your writing for the screen down to that you just want to focus on directing?”

AW: “Well, I’ve sold over 40 million books over the series, so I must be doing something right. Why change a winning formula? I’m just going in there and pointing a camera at people saying the words I wrote.”

TDJJ: “But you do understand the two mediums are very different, right? Are you really going to include the ten page monologue from each of the three main characters, one after the other?”

AW: “Absolutely, you learn so much about the characters when they’re lying in bed, talking to themselves about their favourite colours, their likes and dislikes, and what they would do if they win the lottery. Half an hour of gold right there. There’s no other way I can think of where such information could be conveyed. They also describe their surrounding in their head, and all three of them have an excellent knowledge on how the sunlight falls onto the ground through the trees.”

TDJJ: “How are you going to approach the many scenes throughout the books where Verily is in what only can be described as interspecies erotica? You must be aware of the outrage online about this aspect of the series.”

AW: “I laugh at the suggestion that these scenes could possibly influence a girl somehow getting mounted repeatedly by an onocentaur. They might not even exist! Good luck with that one.”

TDJJ: “Did you know that there’s been at least a dozen woman imprisoned for trying to have sex with cattle, and they all said they read your books in their defence.”

AW: “Well that’s just wrong. Maybe they wanted to do that anyway, perverts.”

TDJJ: “So you don’t feel that by replicating these scenes exactly as the books depict them would pose a problem?”

AW: “Some people are into really kinky stuff. What they get up to behind closed doors is their business. It’s like movie violence giving people ideas to do the same because it looks cool. Yes, it looks cool, but I’d definitely advise against murder.”

TDJJ: “Right. Okay, so have you got any actors in mind to play these characters?”

AW: “Naturally I wanted to get those two who were in the Twilight films, but they’ve moved on to other things. Which is annoying. I don’t think it matters who does things really, just a thin teenage girl and someone big enough to put on the yeti costume. The onocentaur will be done on computer, but it will be a hot guy as the human bit.”

TDJJ: “And finally, should this series become a hit, would you consider going back to writing more books in the series?”

AW: “Well, without spoiling what happens at the very end, I’d have to think of a way to bring them all back to life and back into the same timeline by the wizard lizard. It gets a bit surreal after Verily consummates her marriage to both the Hot Yeti and Omar within 20 minutes of each other.”


By Resident Tomb Raiding Expert Indiana Columbo

A team working on a routine excavation on a remote island in Costa Rica has unearthed something even more exciting than a previously undiscovered dinosaur. The eminent palaeontologist Dr Emmet Huey was leading his team through various caves, searching for the rare skeleton of a dinosaur frog. He uncovered a cloth bag during the excavation, in which he found a bunch of cogs. They took them back to their makeshift lab area in a caravan to study, confused as to how the cogs had made it onto the distant island about 50 feet below the surface. The team didn’t find any dinosaur frog remains, so went back home to Chicago to study the strange cogs instead.

Upon further inspection with lab tech, the respected Dr Huey saw a small symbol on the side of each cog which looked vaguely like the Nintendo logo. He knew that Nintendo first started their company making playing cards back in 1889, so was naturally confused as they looked like they predated this year by some distance. But in order to investigate further, Mr Huey spent a lot of time and money trying to solve this riddle, and ended his quest by just getting his layabout brother to solve things. I interviewed Mr Huey in his bathroom in Belmont Cragin, Chicago, to find out the link between these cogs and video games.

TDJJ: “Mr Huey, ever since I read this story I’ve been aching to find out the connection, and I’m sure that there’s lots of other people also anticipating the answer. So, what are these cogs in relation to video games?”

EH: “Well, as soon as my brother Chet saw them, he noticed they were kind of puzzle pieces and went about fitting them together. Chet’s a bit weird, you see, he’s always seemed to have supernatural powers to solve stuff like this, though he’s useless at most other things. Once the cogs were together, I noticed a few plug ports around the back and front, which looked similar to the ones seen in some of the older gaming consoles.”

TDJJ: “That doesn’t make sense. Do you have any idea how can that be?”

EH: “None whatsoever, it’s proper weird. Anyway, me and Chet got some relevant wires from his collection, wired it all up to the TV, and we were just dumbfounded with the result.”

TDJJ: “What happened?”

EH: “Well, the TV flickered a bit, but then an old style Nintendo logo appeared on a black screen, with the date 2153 BC below it. We just stared at the TV transfixed. We waited to see if anything happened next. A text bar came up asking for a ‘gamecog’ to be inserted. Obviously we don’t have a ‘gamecog’ whatever they are, so we just switched it off.”

TDJJ: “This changes everything in terms of the history of video games. It seems as though they’ve been around since the bronze age at least. What are you planning to do with the cogs? I’m sure they’d fetch a pretty price on eBay.”

EH: “We’re gonna put it in a safe somewhere, such is the valuation and historical importance of them. We’re planning a trip back to the island, see what else is there, whether there’s any of these ‘gamecogs’. But we fear a mass of people flooding the site once this news gets out. But this all depends on this current lock down on international travel.”

TDJJ: “Getting back to the cogs themselves, is there any writing on them at all apart from the logo? Any clues as to manufacturing dates, locations or anything?”

EH: “No, they just look like any other bronze coloured cogs. Obviously some surface areas have eroded over the centuries, that’s probably to be expected. There may have been writing at some point.”

TDJJ: “Have you contacted Nintendo about this?”

EH: “We couldn’t get through, maybe because of the current shut down. I’m thinking when this news gets more widespread, they’ll become aware and get in touch.”

TDJJ: “So until things settle down with all the restrictions in travelling etc, what are your plans with these cogs?”

EH: “I’ve got a friend who’s a key cutter, and we’re thinking of getting him to cut some circular bits of metal into the shape of these cogs, see if we can make more of these consoles. There’s a lot of information online in terms of electronics and that, so when we make these ‘bootleg’ consoles, the money from the sales will more than compensate us with the money we’re losing with the current rules against travelling to faraway lands to search for dinosaur frog remains.”


By Resident TV Namesake Experts Truce Train and Mark Trent

Recent news of yet another TV show involving characters from the DC universe has recently been confirmed, and it’s quite an unexpected change of tone for the brand. A lot of the earlier films were seen as being dark and gloomy, though later ones had lightened up the tone a bit, with Shazam! being playful and daft for the most part. This new sitcom, however, takes things to a whole new level. It’s called Martha and Martha, and it revolves around the mothers of both Batman and Superman, and how they cope with the madcap shenanigans of the heroic duo. Internet forums for these kinds of things have gone into meltdown, hating the very thought of having these two iconic comic characters portrayed in such a bumbling way. DC bigwigs have also confirmed that canned laughter will be implemented, and they also hinted there’ll be a live band on set as well. Despite DC spokespeople using their website and social media to defend their ideas, it’s only intensified the fury amongst the fans. I interviewed high-powered DC crony Robin Laidegg in his posh office in the DC headquarters, in Burbank, California, to see whether the sheer amount of criticism they’ve received would affect any future creative decisions on the show.

TDJJ: “Thanks for taking the time to clarify things during this very busy period. I can see you’re very busy.”

RL: “Yeah, me and the team had an unspoken rule about responding to every email we get, to make sure we’re on track with everything. Unfortunately, several thousand people emailed us about this TV Show within minutes, and realised it wasn’t practical any more. So we quickly stopped bothering.”

TDJJ: “So, what was your inspiration for this show?”

RL: “I had a random thought while on the toilet a few weeks ago: what if there was another Batman and Superman who were oafish and laughable? It was my knowledge on sitcoms that ultimately led to the direction of this show. The ideas just snowballed from there, really.”

TDJJ: “Is there any word yet on casting?”

RL: “We’ve recently secured the talents of Kevin James who’s going to be Batman, and we’re still looking for some other actor as Superman. Someone like Rob Schneider or David Spade.”

TDJJ: “So with the recasting of these characters yet again, and the tone that you’re going for, the series won’t be seen as canon in the grand scheme of things?”

RL: “Actually, there’s a few nods to the older films, we’re trying to get George Clooney make a return as his Batman in one of the more bizarre episodes. We’re going one step further than the 60s Batman series by also having cartoon sound effects during the fights. And you can bet your ass that we’re showing Bruce’s parents getting shot to death. I’ve lost count how many ties this has been done. But we play it for laughs.”

TDJJ: “What’s the response from your department regarding the vitriol online, and your failed attempts of appeasing the fans of these characters?”

RL: “We do understand the concerns of the fans, a lot of them are thinking the portrayal of these characters would be at odds with how they are in other media. This show is stand alone, a bit like the Joker movie. You have Joaquin Phoenix and Jared Leto both as The Joker, playing him very differently, in different films. Same thing here. This means we can get creative without worrying how it’d all fit in. So, we can do an episode where Doomsday shows up as Superman’s lovelorn brother because he has a crush on Wonder Woman. With side-splitting results!”

TDJJ: “Regardless of your team’s confidence with this show, what would happen if it fails, both commercially and critically?”

RL: “We’re sure that we’d get a loyal following, even if the core fans continue with their death threats on message boards. There’s enough uninitiated sitcom fans out there, plus there’s loads of people out there who like hilarious things. We’ll be fine.”


By Resident Horseplay Expert Fanny Chortle

She’s sold untold millions in record sales and has amassed far too much money for one person, but singer Adele has never revealed her true family lineage in public, as she felt she wanted to go her own way and not the expected direction that her actual surname would suggest. There’s been a lot of speculation that her last name is Adkins, but has never used it to promote her career. She says it’s because she wants to respect her real one, which – in this exclusive interview with The Daily JabJab – is Chuckle. The mental image of Adele joining surviving Chuckle Brother Paul in a series of hilarious TV shows is a difficult one, as she usually sings about break ups and crying, which is a far cry from getting embroiled in simple DIY mishaps, catchphrases and general tomfoolery. But despite earning her wealth singing about disappointment, she admits she’s not ruling out a drastic career change, as I interview her in her local pub in East Grinstead, The Green Muppet And Bin.

TDJJ: “Thanks for taking the time for this interview. Do you want me to call you Adele, Miss Chuckle, Miss Adkins or what?”

A: “Well, Miss Chuckle to me sounds like a cartoon character. I don’t feel I’m ready to embrace that yet. Even though it’s definitely my real surname, honest. Adele’s fine.”

TDJJ: “Okay. Why do you feel now is the right time to reveal your real surname?”

A: “I reckon I’m so famous now working with just my first name, it would neither be here nor there to reveal it, I’ve proved I can make it without trading on the Chuckle name. Plus it gives me some more inspiration for my music going forward. Fans might be surprised at the new stuff I’m working on.”

TDJJ: “Are you looking to embrace a more lighter side that reflects the antics of Barry and Paul during their career?”

A: “Maybe. I do have a silly side, but I noticed early on in my career that the daft stuff I wrote didn’t resonate with many people. My songs about falling down ladders and stepping in buckets of paint didn’t seem to fit with my vocal range and singing style. But I’ve been practising. This has a lot to do with Paul, really. We’ve all got a big sense of loss since Barry and Jimmy Patton passed on, so I guess this is my way of showing solidarity.”

TDJJ: “Is Paul collaborating on any of your new material?”

A: “Yeah. It’s been a very long time since I’ve tried to write about nonsense, and he’s been instrumental. It’s like I’ve had to learn a different language almost, to get rid of all the meaningful metaphors and sensible symbolisms. I’ve had to let go of so much. We’ve written a song called Glitter Gets Fucking Everywhere, which will be one of the singles. I can’t wait!”

TDJJ: “It sounds like you’ve discovered a new Adele, you sound invigorated. I might even buy this album.”

A: “Thanks. I’m just worried how to fit this new material with my old stuff when doing concerts. So different.”

TDJJ: “I’m no expert, but you could perhaps change outfits several times throughout, each one being more outlandish than the last, until you get to your new stuff. Then it won’t be such a shock to your fans.”

A: “Yeah, I could buy a few clown clothes, adapt them in this way. I’ll keep it in mind.”

TDJJ: “So with this new shift in your career, have you considered doing sketch comedy with Paul? Perhaps at seaside resorts in you can’t get a TV series?”

A: “My music comes first, but I suppose we could do a live show at Margate, Southport or some other town like that if I can get singing gigs in the same place to save time and petrol.”

TDJJ: “And how are you with the catchphrases – ‘To me, to you, to me, to you’ and so forth?”

A: “What?”

TDJJ: “The ‘To me, to you’ thing. It’s one of catchphrases they’re famous for.”

A: “Oh right, I’m with you now. Sorry, I know I’ve got to learn a lot more. I’ve just been working on getting bashed on the head with various hand tools.”


By Fashion Correspondent Jean Paul Georgeringo

A 52-year old woman has been left furious due to an incident at a local jumble sale in the scouts hut, in Pallethill, Penrith, where a pair of trousers she had her eye on was later bought by her friend, despite being told they would be kept to one side for her. Barbara Dynasty first saw the orange and green trousers on a wallpaper pasting table as she entered the hut at around 10:30 am. She asked the saleswoman to hold them for her as she didn’t have the 50p in change when asked, and told her she would go to one of the other stalls first and see if they could help. Unbeknown to Miss Dynasty, one of her friends Debbie Dallas, walked through the doors a minute later and also spotted the colourful trousers. She bought them for £1 after initial reluctance from the seller, and then left the hut with her new purchase.

Miss Dynasty came back with the right change, only to be told what had happened, that as a capitalist, the seller couldn’t pass up on the larger bid. She described the buyer to Miss Dynasty, who immediately knew who it was. She thought better of her former friend, but on the sad walk home, she began remembering times when Mrs Dallas had done other hurtful things over the years. Miss Dynasty then had a brainwave: she would get revenge by making a controversial documentary about her, to show the world what a cow she is. I interviewed Miss Dynasty in her bedroom a few days after that fateful Saturday morning.

TDJJ: “Miss Dynasty, have you spoken to Mrs Dallas yet? Was she aware that you had your eyes on the trousers?”

BD: “She phoned up all innocent a few days ago wanting to go for coffee. When I accused her of her immoral crime, she claimed she didn’t know it was me who wanted to buy them.”

TDJJ: “Well, according to the CCTV footage you implored the local cops to investigate, she came in a minute or so after you and spoke to the seller. Lip reading experts didn’t see the seller mention you by name. Did you know the person who sold them?”

BD: “Never seen her before. But Debbie’s like this, she’s got previous.”

TDJJ: “Did she even know you were at the jumble sale?”

BD: I wouldn’t put it past her. She knows I like wacky trousers, I wear them ironically at posh get togethers.”

TDJJ: “Maybe she liked them.”

BD: “No one would like them properly. She’s done this on purpose, and I’m going to expose her.”

TDJJ: “So, how is your documentary idea going?”

BD: “I’ve just been making a list of all the crappy things she’s done. I called the college to ask if they had a student who could film it all for me. I chose this little bald student. Won’t shut up about Klute. I mean, the film’s okay, but no one should know too much about it because it has a W-H-O-R-E in it.”

TDJJ: “Oh I’ve not seen it, must give it a go some time. How are you going to film it then?”

BD: “It won’t take long to do, just me in a chair reading the list of times when Debbie’s taken things too far. I wouldn’t want be her afterwards, I’ll serve her. Is that how you say that phrase?”

TDJJ: “I don’t know, it sounds pretty accurate I guess. What other things has she done in the past?”

BD: “Loads of stuff. Used up the last bottle vinegar in a cafe one time, warning my cat because it walked over her coat, and breaking out into songs at inopportune moments.”

TDJJ: “When do you think the documentary will be released?”

BD: “Couple of weeks or so. Everyone will see her for who she really is. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to think up more swearing and half truths to put in it.”

Debbie Dallas: Bad Bastard will be on sale through Miss Dynasty’s website once it’s done, and will cost £5 for the DVD.


By Resident Auctioneering Expert Davey “Orange” Foundation

We all like a bargain, whether it’s browsing in charity shops or online auctions, where they don’t really understand what they’ve got, or it’s obvious that a retailer has overstocked something and just wants to cut their losses. Some items don’t hold their worth for a multitude of reasons, but others can appreciate in value, like gold, oil, and certain toiletries nowadays, and 55-year old unemployed window salesman Des Grandstand feels he has a couple of other items that also fit into that category. Sadly he’s had no luck selling them in the local Royton pubs in Oldham, and needs the cash quickly.

He’s willing to get an account on ebay, but has no bank account due to several bad decisions over the years. And with the current climate sweeping the globe, Mr Grandstand fears a knock on effect will see the bookmakers shut down during the anticipated shutdown, cutting off another source of his get rich quick plans. He owes a lot of money to a lot of different outlets, and despite his insistence that his items are worth more than others suggest, he’s growing increasingly frustrated as the various cash deadlines loom. I interviewed Mr Grandstand outside a bookies from which he’s barred, to see what his alternatives are.

TDJJ: “Sorry I’m late, five in the morning’s a bit too early for me.”

DG: “It’s all right. It’s just I don’t want to bump into certain people who I owe money to.”

TDJJ: “What are the things you’re wanting to sell?”

DG: “I’ve got a £10 gift card for Toys “R” Us and Police Academy 2 on DVD, which has a Woolworths logo on the cover design.”

TDJJ: “Hm, I don’t think you’d get much for them, certainly not enough to pay off anyone that you feel the need to hide from. How much were you looking for?”

DG: “£500 each.”

TDJJ: “Seriously? You do understand how valuation works don’t you?”

DG: Yeah, but the thing is, I know these things aren’t worth that much now. I’m selling them as a kind of investment. In 20 years, who knows how much they’d sell for? I reckon both Toys “R” Us and Woolworths stuff is quite rare even now, for obvious reasons. People need to look long term. I’m sure with inflation and that, £500 would be chump change in 20 years.”

TDJJ: “And is that what you’ve been telling people in the pubs?”

DG: “Yeah. And just to let people know, the £10 is still on the gift card, and the disc and case for the DVD is in fairly good condition. A couple of scuffs but it plays fine.”

TDJJ: “Why do you think you’ve not being able to sell these items yet?”

DG: “The main one is probably that I’m limited to walking distance. I’m not able to use public transport after a few recent minor indiscretions, and I can’t drive. If I was on ebay, I’d be able to reach every country in the world. That’s how it works isn’t it?”

TDJJ: “Pretty much. But don’t you feel you’d get the same reaction? I’d imagine the market for obsolete gift cards and DVDs of Police Academy films would be pretty difficult to predict in 20 years time.”

DG: “But I read in a paper once that some video tapes are worth loads now, proper rare ones. More than £500 for a film that came out 20-30 odd years ago. I point this out but no one seems interested. They wouldn’t print lies would they?”

TDJJ: “I don’t know about that. You’re asking a lot from people. Not everyone could afford your asking price, even if they understood and agreed with your reasoning.”

DG: “Are you on ebay? Would you be interested? If you’re able to get the cash today, I could probably do a discount for cash. £950 for them both.”

TDJJ: “No, it’s okay. I’ve got the Police Academy box set on DVD, paid about £6 for it a while ago. Doesn’t have the Woolworths logo on it though. I’m pretty sure the £10 on the card wouldn’t be valid any more.”

DG: “But aren’t they retro? £900, final offer.”

TDJJ: “I can’t afford that, no I’m not interested.”

DG: “What do you mean, you can’t afford it? You’re a journalist wearing glasses and a posh shirt. £850.”

TDJJ: “Has anyone offered you a lot less for them?”

DG: “One bloke offered me a packet of 20 cigs and the rest of his kebab. I had to laugh.”

TDJJ: “Fifteen. And that’s generous. I’m fairly certain that you wouldn’t get anywhere near that on ebay or anywhere else online, even if you explained things.”

DG: “£15? Fuck it, okay. But if I find out that you sold them both for over £1,000 in 20 years time, I won’t be very happy. you’d owe me money or something.”

TDJJ: “Well, we’ll have to see what happens. You can always use this cash in one of the bookies that you’re not barred from, see if you can win enough to pay your debts”

Mr Grandstand took the cash and he crossed the road to a bookies that had just opened for the day. About five minutes later, he walked back out swearing under his breath and kicked a post box.


By Video Game Correspondent Raymond Stationfour

A local butcher from Nether Wallop in Hampshire has recently come up with a novel idea to drum up publicity for his ailing business. 61-year old Harry Jetpac has seen his shop, Harry’z Meatz And Thingz, slowly lose trade to the much more modern store that’s recently opened nearby called Contemporary Carlos’z Brillz Butcherz. But Mr Jetpac has took inspiration from his former pastime when he was a lonely child, and has decided to use video games to advertise his wares while playing online. The use of modern 4K gaming, and using a vast amount of buttons and tech setup in order to do so, has been a tricky transition for Mr Jetpac, who confesses he’s not properly played any video games since the early nineties. I interviewed Mr Jetpac in his shed where he’s got his gaming set up, as his long suffering wife has since put her foot down on all the shouting and swearing involved while he plays, and has banished him.

TDJJ: “This can be seen as an unorthodox way to advertise your butchers, Mr Jetpac. I understand that you haven’t really kept an eye on the gaming world for a long time, so why did you feel this is the right method to use?”

HJ: “The thing is, quite frankly a lot of my older customers are either dying off or going over the road to the new place to get their meat. I’m also feeling the pinch from the shopping habits nowadays, people buy everything from the same place now, supermarkets and that. So I thought it’d be a good idea if I could try advertising to the younger crowd somehow. I know that video games are even more popular than when I played them all those years ago. So I done a bit of research, bought a load of stuff, and here I am now, in my shed.”

TDJJ: “You’ve been doing this for a couple of weeks now. Have you noticed any increase in sales?”

HJ: “It’s early days yet, but I think word of mouth is spreading. To be honest it’s been a lot more tricky than I thought it’d be.”

TDJJ: “In what way?”

HJ: “Just the sheer amount of people from different countries. There’s also a lot of hostility, people get angry over the simplest of things. All I’m doing is explaining what I do as a business, tell them where my shop is, but most of the time I just get loads of abuse. I only want to help them with their meat. Plus I struggle with the games, there’s just too many things you can do.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, the gaming landscape has changed in many ways over the last couple of decades. What was the last game you remember playing?”

HJ: “That Mickey Mouse one on the Sega. Quackshot.”

TDJJ: “That was a Donald Duck game. So, what games are you playing now to advertise your business?”

HJ: “At the moment, Fifa 20. I do remember the old Fifa games, but you only had a few buttons and I found it much easier. But the beauty of this modern one is that you can communicate to so many people over the headset about stuff. I feel this game has been the most successful for me. I kept getting banned from the others. It’s like they don’t appreciate my point of view on British butchery, that it’s better than the foreign muck they have.”

TDJJ: “What other games were you playing, and what was happening to get you banned?”

HJ: “The new Mortal Kombat one, Fortnite and a Call of Duty. I weren’t very good at them, especially Call of Duty, so I didn’t have enough time to got through my sales pitch before getting killed. Over time, I felt my blood pressure rising because of this and it would lead to many angry exchanges and I’d take things too far. Fifa is a slower game, so there’s more time for back and forth after I’ve explained things. Still a bit tricky at times though.”

TDJJ: “You mentioned that you realised there are gamers from different countries playing with you. How do you feel it benefits promoting your butchers to someone from, say, Japan?”

HJ: “Well, they might have relatives over here to recommend my business to. Or it might even inspire them to come over. It’s better than all that fish crap they eat.”

TDJJ: “Don’t you sell fish as well?”

HJ: “Yeah, but it’s proper British fish, cod and that. Never been a fan of that sushi stuff, it shouldn’t be a thing.”

I ended the interview shortly afterwards, as Mr Jetpac was getting a bit too xenophobic, and he got redder in the face as a result. Even his wife could hear him from the kitchen, told him to pipe down with the bigotry again.