By Business Correspondent Rex Bone

If you live in the village of Cumnor in Oxford, and you start to see dozens of St Bernard dogs roaming around the streets through your house windows while isolating, you’re advised not to panic. Local man Xavier Wheels has came up with a dubious plan for his male St Bernard, Schroeder, to be put out to stud to make more of them. Schroeder impregnated several female dogs of the same breed a few weeks ago and will be ready to give birth in the next week or so. Mr Wheels expects about 20 puppies all told, and was going to sell them on anyway. But due to the current self-isolation situation, he hatched a plan to make even MORE money from his breeding endeavours which he feels cannot fail because he’ll make too much cash to consider any potential issue. I interviewed Mr Wheels in his garage – with the sound of dogs going at it in the back garden – to find out more, and get his response to the criticism from some quarters.

XW: “They’re a bit noisy, aren’t they? Sorry about the smell.”

TDJJ: “Is everything okay out there? Not heard dogs doing it before, sounds a bit violent.”

XW: “Yeah don’t worry, Schroeder’s got a very physical technique. My son’s out there anyway, in case it gets a bit too fighty.”

TDJJ: “So, you’re expecting 20 puppies very soon, yet you want more because of the current circumstances. Can you explain to those who are unaware of this story, what your intentions are?”

XW: “Okay, well because of what’s going on right now, most people are afraid of simply going out to get the essentials from the shops. Perfectly understandable, certainly the ones who are getting on a bit. Now, everyone knows stories of St Bernards helping explorers on mountains and that, carrying whiskey in a small barrel around their neck. Well, I remember watching a few cartoons years ago about it anyway. So, I was thinking why not employ them in a similar way in this situation?”

TDJJ: “In what way exactly?”

XW: “Well, they’d go to the shops for them. All you’d have to do is put enough money and a shopping list in a container or something, put it around the dog’s neck, and instruct it to show it to the shopkeeper. And that’s it. You’d just have to guide the dog from your house to the shop once to orientate it. I’m sure they’d be fine.”

TDJJ: “Okay, so how are you going to deploy these dogs, once they’re here? Surely they’d be too small to shift shopping from supermarkets and other shops?”

XW: That’s why I need more than 20 dogs, we’ll need teams of them. Schroeder’s working overtime out there. He’s tired but we’ve got a routine going, which I’ve already gone on record to say no comment when asked what the strategy is. This only thing I’ll say is we’ll be using similar methods that are used to strengthen babies by putting weights on the puppy’s legs etc.”

TDJJ: “And it’s just female St Bernards he’s doing?”

XW: “Yeah, and no he’s not banging his own family, as has been the rumour, that’s not recommended because of various health issues. Similar to humans. A few other people I know have St Bernards completely unrelated to Schroeder so we’re using them.”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing you’re expecting this lock down to last a while?”

XW: “Who knows? I don’t want to sound selfish, but it’d be better if it was. I can shift more dogs then. Given the gestation time and that, we can’t mess around here. We’ve got certain ways to speed some of the processes, but again, I’m not prepared to divulge any more information.”

TDJJ: “Your pre-orders for puppies at £1,000 each sounds very reasonable, and your sales pitch has proven very successful, but do you see why some organisations and a lot of people on social media are throwing a lot of vitriol your way?”

XW: “Listen, I get a lot of people have now been forced to stop work, and are feeling uncertain about their finances as a result. I reckon there’s a lot of resentment for people like me who are still able to make a ton of money during this time. I come up with this great idea and all people can do is pick holes. A lot of jealousy. And these animal rights people are annoying as well. Dogs like sex too!”


By Resident Unhinged William Shatner Fan Sebastian Stab

A mysterious letter has recently turned up at an Illinois psychiatrist’s house, crudely packaged within a large brown envelope. The psychiatrist, Dr Samuel Loomis, only needed a few seconds to realise who it was from, as he recognised the child-like writing on the parcel. He opened it up and read the letter in trepidation, and his initial response was one of surprise, as it was a very clear message about the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, and the recipient was also aware of the current lock down situation, urging people to stay safe. Dr Loomis’s surprise turned to fear. He knew the letter came from his patient Michael Myers, and knew he had to spread the word about it, but he didn’t know how he was able to send it from where he’s being held, Smith’s Grove Sanitarium. He had so many questions and fears, so initially went to the cops about it, but was told it must have been from a deranged fan of Michael. He then turned to me for help, so I swam to Illinois (again, due to the restrictions on flights etc) to interview him in his office.

TDJJ: “Dr Loomis, I read your story, and how the local police have just brushed this off. What makes you certain that the letter is genuinely from Michael Myers?”

SL: “The writing is like a child’s writing. Michael wouldn’t have been allowed a pen and some paper for many years. He can make anything a weapon. So he’s not been able to improve his writing since he was six. There’s errors in the spelling, grammar and very messy all over. All this points to the recipient to be pure evil and unable to write correspondence properly.”

TDJJ: “I read the letter when it got published in the local press, and it looks genuine enough in my eyes. Since it was printed, have you had any new responses from the police?”

SL: “No, the fools. They don’t want to hear his name again, after all he’s did to this place. They want to see him buried! But Michael’s insidious intent is there in his childish writing for all to see. He’s planning an escape!”

TDJJ: “Do you think so? He sounds genuinely concerned about what’s going on outside his walls.”

SL: “Not likely. He’s more concerned about it getting into the Sanitarium, affecting his chances of wreaking more havoc on this town once again.”

TDJJ: “How do you think he got the letter to you?”

SL: “Only he knows. I didn’t think they’d even have a postal service available for those types of people in there.”

TDJJ: “But thinking about it, just the notion of Michael showing emotion regarding the events outside his walls in the tone of his letter, can be seen as progress in his cognitive development, surely?”

SL: “He’s using this situation for his own preservation. The reason he wants people to stay safe indoors is so he can finish them off on Halloween night, at least the ones who live in Haddonfield and surrounding areas. That’s his M.O.”

TDJJ: “Have you heard from Laurie since this letter was published?”

SL: “I haven’t yet. I don’t know where she lives. She’s probably self-isolating somewhere and tooling up waiting for HIM to come home.”

TDJJ: “Well, April’s here now, which means Halloween is still months away. Do you think there’s any chance of Michael fooling everyone and escaping early?”

SL: “Yes, I’m aware it’s April Fools Day, and though Michael seems to like some traditions, there’s no evidence of him celebrating this particular date.”

TDJJ: “So what’s your next move?”

SL: “I remain vigilant. I’ll phone the cops again, but will give it a few days. I’m left on hold for ages, which I guess is understandable right now. All going well, by the time Halloween is upon us, they’ll have the resources to deal with Michael when he inevitably breaks out and heads back home to kill again.”


By Video Game Correspondent Balrog “Eight” Strongbow

Japanese video game developer Capcom have announced yet another version of their classic game Street Fighter II, in direct response to the scenes and comments witnessed around the world. Ever since the lock down in many countries due to the pandemic, pub regulars have become increasingly frustrated that their nights are no longer ending in uncoordinated brawls. The NHS in the UK, for example, are happy with the reduction of violent drunks ending up in hospitals up and down the land as a result, but the disappointment amongst drinkers have been felt around the world, and a senior designer at Capcom came up with an idea that could appease these drinkers. Renon Stimpazi, the designer, put forward his proposal for a new version of Street Fighter II for all current consoles, PC and mobile, but with a twist that will surely resonate with all alcohol-loving adults. I swam to Japan – as it’s currently prohibited to travel there by plane or boat – and spoke with Stimpazi san in his office, to get more information on the game being created.

TDJJ: “Stimpazi san, thanks for allowing me to interview you about your game. You won’t tell any government officials about my presence will you? It’s kind of a grey area, I don’t know if I qualify as part of the media.”

RS: “Ha, I won’t no problem. It’ll be good to talk about the game to someone outside Japan, to spread the word about Pub Fighter II.”

TDJJ: “Pub fighter II?”

RS: “Yes. My goal is to take one of our most beloved games and adapt it for those who are missing out on their nightly ritual due to the pubs closing. This is a global issue, and we at Capcom want to do our bit.”

TDJJ: “Is this new version going to have different characters, or the established ones from SFII?”

RS: “Okay, so when I came up with the initial idea, I knew one of the main reasons people love that game is the character roster, so I felt it’s be foolish to get rid of them. They’ve all had a complete redesign: they have less muscle definition and some have pot bellies, some get more red in the face when throwing punches etc, while others throw up if they try to pull off a combo or get hit to the ground. Dhalsim can’t even do anything apart from swinging wildly with his punches, forget about stretchy limbs and Yoga Flames!”

TDJJ: “So you’re aiming for people to play this game as a viable alternative, to appease their longing for fighting all pissed up? Sounds interesting. Given the character redesigns you mention, as well as the reduced move set, what gameplay tweaks, if any, have you implemented?”

RS: “The game will be designed with the system controllers accordingly, but what will be universal is there’s going to be a slight lag in the button responses, and also the directions will change randomly from time to time, so if you press right to go forward, you might jump or something. Some characters will be more prone to stopping to catch a breather and throwing up, but it’ll be balanced with a bigger health bar, as when you’re drunk, you don’t tend to feel pain as much. We’ve studied how alcohol affects different people, so you could imagine Zangief could put away more beers than, say, Cammy. So it’s all be relative. Zangief by the way is a happy drunk, while Guile can get a bit too rowdy. So many interesting match ups now.”

TDJJ: “Have you retained the graphical style of the original game?”

RS: “Yeah, pretty much. We understand fans love the classic look. All we’ve done is changed the backgrounds to replicate the insides of various pubs, bars and nightclubs. There’s even a couple of stages where you can throw someone out of a window and continue on the street. One of the things we’ve enhanced gameplay wise is that a girlfriend of one of the characters can fruitlessly get involved and shriek at the top of their voice depending on the context of the fight. You can knock her out for extra points, though I’m thinking we may have to amend it if we get criticism for including this mechanic. But it’s only a game.”

TDJJ: “And finally, when is this going to be released, and is it going to be a physical or digital release?”

RS: “Given the situation in so many countries, the uncertainty of the duration of the lock downs, we’ve decided to make it a digital download. We’re just securing some copyrights for advertising various lagers and spirits in the game, but we feel it could be ready in about two weeks. We haven’t ruled out DLC either, further down the line. We’ve got an idea for a scrolling beat ‘em up set during a pub crawl and various other drinking games. Something for all the family!”


By Resident Unfunny Fool Russell Leaves

A multitude of houseowners in the Barnet area were recently keeping the local police busy with regular complaints about a couple of annoying comedians irritating them day and night. The duo, who for some reason call themselves Prawn and Crackers, decided to try and cheer up the residents in and around where they live. They told police on several occasions that what they’re doing is essential because it’s entertaining people during this difficult time, but all the complainants have said while they don’t mind the sentiment, their material is just awful and only takes them 15 minutes to go through before they do it all again. And after five days, they were finally threatened enough to stop their infernal routine.

For those who don’t know, Prawn and Crackers have had no success in even getting a spot at a holiday resort or holiday cruise ship, so they feel by doing what they did will get them enough publicity to get them on TV. I interviewed Crackers – who tells me his real name is Jonny Condom – in the caravan which he shares with Prawn, to find out what the future holds for them. I asked him where Prawn was, and the most sensible answer he gave me was that he’s currently on the moon waiting for a phone call from an alien called Beans.

TDJJ: “How would you like me to refer to you in this interview?”

C: “Crackers. No, Sir Crackers.”

TDJJ: “Sir Crackers–”

C: “Haa you said it!”

TDJJ: “Okay we’re both grown men here. I’m all for zany and ‘random’, I just want to hear your views on a few things.”

C: “Is this going to be on TV?”

TDJJ: “No, there’s no cameras. So, can you please describe how you and Prawn got this idea to try and raise the spirits of your local community?”

C: “Well, me and Prawn have been working together for 20 years now, since high school, and although we’ve not been on TV, we still think we’ve got what it takes to be funny and entertaining. The virus thing has upset everyone, so we thought we’d do our bit and we came up with loads of hilarious things to make people laugh and give us publicity.”

TDJJ: “How much of your act was actually original material?”

C: “What do you mean?”

TDJJ: “Well, according to a lot of reports, you used a lot of existing stuff from more successful comedians, and even have a five minute spot where you both repeat established catchphrases at the top of your voices.”

C: “Well what you’ve got to consider that we only had about a week or so to come up with stuff. It’s not as easy as you’d think. We worked all day every day on this before we started on the streets. We ultimately thought by padding our stuff with other people’s material was the right thing to do given the constraints.”

TDJJ: “How many times were you cautioned by the police?”

C: “Seven times I think. I lost count after six. See? Just thought of that now!”

TDJJ: “Right. And when you both assaulted that woman, what did the cops say to you that finally put a stop to everything?”

C: “That woman came out of nowhere to be honest. She was yelling at us at 3am because we apparently woke her kid up. I liked the look of her, and like the quick thinker I am, I set off on some impromptu sexist tirade. Thing is, I don’t think she realised I was doing a parody of the sexist comedians from the 70s. After a bit, me and Prawn were both in full flow with our comments and wondering hands. Again, it was a parody. But she didn’t see the funny side and basically the cops came and started laying the law down like some law laying law layers laying laws layers laying… Erm, so yeah.”

TDJJ: “Okay, and pending any criminal charges, how do you see the future for Prawn and Crackers?”

C: “It doesn’t matter if we get sent down or given community service, we’ll still be doing our side-splitting stuff, entertaining wherever we go. All this publicity will eventually lead to TV work, like we’d be asked to comment on badly behaved animals or something in front of a coloured background or on some celebrity programme about getting off with women. We can’t wait!”


By Crime Correspondent Bill Beatstreet

The ongoing lock down and related restrictions has affected everyone in the UK, and indeed around the world, with many people who have ‘non-essential’ jobs worrying if they’d have a job by the end of this ordeal. The potential state of the economy will be very much up in the air once a sense of normalcy is established, and even then there’d be quite a few industries and individuals which would struggle on for a lot longer. One such individual who is already feeling the pinch is 51 year old Marv Sassenfrassen, a career criminal who makes most of his fortune from robbing houses. He’s recently been released from prison, but is worried about his finances and his son’s birthday in a couple of weeks time because of the current lock down. I interviewed a clearly distraught Mr Sassenfrassen inside his modest, unfurnished flat, as he struggles to make sense of the circumstances.

TDJJ: “Mr Sassenfrassen, given the situation the UK is in, a lot of people have adapted their way of living and working the best way they can during this crisis. Have you considered any alternative ways of earning a living?”

MS: “This is all I know, I ain’t got a decent education. Who’d hire me anyway, with my record? Robbing’s what I’m best at. I’ve only been in prison a handful of times mainly because of it. I know people who’ve been in loads more. I’ve tried my hand at underground boxing, but it doesn’t pay the bills does it?”

TDJJ: “I don’t know how it all works myself, but even with your past, would you not be able to claim any money just so you can get by?”

MS: “Don’t think so, I’ve got previous when it comes to fiddling finances. They won’t give people like me shit. Just because I’m not the best with money. Even though I’ve paid my dues several times, it’s as though they still me as untrustworthy! I feel I’ve got no choice but to go back to robbing shit again, but it’s gonna be almost impossible if everyone’s isolating and that. But what else can I do?”

TDJJ: “Have you thought about retraining at all? I know there’d be free resources online, or maybe people you could phone up to get advice.”

MS: “Not got a computer, was taken from me when I went inside a couple of years ago. I’m too long in the tooth to be learning owt new. Thing is, it’s not as though I could rob shops neither. No one’s about so I wouldn’t be able to lose myself into a crowd as usual.”

TDJJ: “And this has a knock-on effect for your plan for your son’s birthday.”

MS: “Yeah, he’s the real victim in all this. You’ve got to understand the history of the Sassenfrassen family history. Every son who reaches 16 goes out for the first time with his dad to steal as much has possible from houses. It’s a tradition that has passed on for the last 200 years in the family. I remember my 16th birthday doing this. I stole a carriage clock and a telephone. Ahh, humble beginnings.”

TDJJ: “So with everyone in their homes for the foreseeable future, I can see why you’re frustrated.”

MS: “It’s proper stressing me out! I don’t want to be the one who breaks this established tradition, but I feel powerless. It’s not fair.”

TDJJ: “Is there anything that we at The Daily JabJab can do for you?”

MS: “Well, if you want, you could ask everyone in the Telford area to message you with details of where they live and what dates/times they would be out of their house on a walk. I’d need a 30 minute window. Make it 40 so it gives us time to get to the place. In these times, we need to help one another through, it brings out the best in people.”


By Online Education Correspondent Leroy Catvideo

Prolific YouTubers Willy and Jilly Circle have created a separate channel that caters for kids all around the world to help reduce boredom during these times of lock down, and has amassed over 100,000 subscribers since they launched it just over a week ago. This new channel has overtaken their other channels on YouTube numbers-wise, with one channel focusing on paint and the other on varnish. Their approach with this new channel is to replicate school life as much as they can – with age appropriate content clearly stated on the video thumbnails – so kids don’t miss out on things during this time. But despite their success, some fellow YouTubers and even parents and teachers have come out to criticise them, saying they’re out of touch with how things actually are in modern day schools and education. So far, the Circles have refused to address this on their sites, but have allowed me to interview Willy to set the record straight.

TDJJ: “Mr Circle, can you explain in detail about the type of content on this channel, and who it’s aimed at, for those yet to have seen it?”

WC: “Our channel, Circle’z Skoolz Lifez, caters for kids of all ages who go to school, but are missing out due to the closures. We aim to fill in any gaps that they’re missing out on, which we’ve separated videos by age, and the content differs accordingly.”

TDJJ: “I’ve watched a few of the videos of the channel while researching, to see what the fuss has been about. I note the criticisms have been about a wide range of things.”

WC: “Yeah, we really don’t understand some of the stuff, like the quality of the backgrounds we’ve used sometimes. They were drawn by our 11 year old son. You can’t expect a perfect scale drawing of a classroom! A notable nit picking has been about us to using our children in the videos. I’m 55 and my wife is 22, we can’t possibly pass for 5 year olds, our videos for that age would be completely farcical. What do people want?”

TDJJ: “There’s a lot of swearing from your kids, as well as a lot of questionable behaviour aimed at high school pupils. I feel a lot of people have objected to this, that although you say the videos are educational and “age appropriate” a lot of commenters are questioning your parenting by allowing your kids doing all these things.”

WC: “We try to be a realistic as possible, get on the same level as the kids watching. It’s obvious that we must be doing something right, looking at the numbers we’re getting.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel that getting your kids to do these things will affect them in any way in the future? For example, your 12 year old daughter smoking?”

WC: “It was her idea, she said her friends have dabbled in smoking, that it’s cool and grown up. I’m sure people of all ages can remember when they were 12 and were pressured into having their first cig. They might be more expensive nowadays, but sneaking out with your friends for a quick fag is still seen as a key point in your childhood.”

TDJJ: “You highlight bullying quite a lot in your videos. Do you really believe it’s as widespread as you make out?”

WC: “We did a bit of research, we got stories from our kids and their friends. We may have taken a bit of dramatic licence here and there, but smaller kids still get their coats stolen and dicks are still drawn on their school books. Pushing down stairs and sending false love letters to popular girls that say they’re from the nerds also remain popular. It was a right laugh when we were filming some of these.”

TDJJ: “What do say in response to those who feel your videos, despite being popular with your target audience, don’t have any actual education in them?”

WC: “These people have obviously not been watching properly. Most of these videos have the first minute or so with a teacher – usually played by me – stood at the front of the classroom waffling on, then one of the kids interrupts me and craziness ensues. So in that opening minute, we try to cram in as much educational quality in that window.”

TDJJ: “So I’m guess you’re not going to close the channel? I’ve heard on the grapevine that YouTube themselves are looking into things.”

WC: “No, we feel we have a duty to help those kids out of their boredom. There’s too much sensitivity with parents and teachers now. I can’t possibly imagine their vision of schools, where kids go around sharing and not swearing at each other. Where did they go to school?”


By Resident Mouse Trap Expert John “Jigsaw” Kramer

In times gone by, playing Monopoly with a bunch of children at Christmas time used to be an arduous task, as there’d be many random rule changes along the way because kids never want to lose. After a few hours of arguing, the board is finally put away in frustration, the crying and tantrums having taken their toll. You’d try again the following Christmas, but soon realise that nothing has changed despite your best efforts, even going so far as to explaining the rules before the game this time. And this becomes tradition. But now during this time of isolation, some politicians are actually encouraging this type of rule cheating, in order to prolong the games and stave off boredom and insanity. Whereas once you could defeat a child in minutes at Monopoly so long as the game is played properly and you don’t give less than 100%, you are now being urged to think creatively and allow everyone playing the chance to conjure up all kinds of unforeseen regulations. I interviewed a Media Strategist for the Lib Dems, Warren Drone, the one who first suggested the idea.

TDJJ: “Mr Drone, thanks for your time for this interview. I understand the need to push this idea through as soon as possible. What was your inspiration for this idea?”

WD: “Well, I was first thinking that everyone should be playing one of the many MMORGs [Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Games] available during this time, as they can consume most of your waking hours. And I’ve had a few missed days off work because of them, that’s how good they are. But then I realised that they only tend to cater for a certain demographic. What about the elderly, or girls? I then realised board games are much more universal, everyone can enjoy them, for half an hour or so.”

TDJJ: “You’ve just identified potentially the biggest problem there, that most of them can be played in their entirety in about 30 minutes. How would you possibly extend, say, a single game of hangman for a couple of hours? On average, people play three games of it before getting bored in under 10 minutes.”

WD: “Well, without thinking this through properly beforehand, I’d say choose really obscure place names or types of food, maybe deliberately spell them wrong as well. Also you could use a biology book and give the ‘man’ more body parts to draw each time there’s a wrong answer. Did you know there’s seven bones in the human neck alone?”

TDJJ: “I was unaware of that. I can see how this plan could work, and I guess you could throw in a few curve balls now and again as well. Perhaps the ‘man’ is a freak of nature and has a few extra undefined limbs as well.”

WD: “Yeah that’s the spirit. I raised this idea with a few of my colleagues, and even amongst rival parties, and the conversation soon became increasingly hilarious, with each rule change more outlandish than the last. It was a great success. It was as though our political belief differences vanished while we were talking, and we believe this would extend to the family set up, no matter the political stance or views on racism between the generations.

TDJJ: “I’ve heard that some manufacturers of the board games have been in touch with you about this. What’s the general feedback like?”

WD: “They’re mostly furious. There’s been a lot of cease and desist letters. I’m not sure of the legalities behind what we’re asking people to do, that’s not my department. If you ask me, they need to wake up and smell the coffee. People are getting bored, maybe even the most bored they’ve ever been, they should be grateful that their game is being publicised this way. You never know, their board game could be better if the game take longer to play. I’ve always felt Cluedo needs to have more longevity to it, never liked that game.”

TDJJ: “How would you improve it?”

WD: “More of everything – murder weapons, characters, rooms. Also, if one of the character is found guilty, say it was someone else wearing a mask of that person. Or maybe they were getting bribed to do things because of debt. Really, the sky’s the limit with this. Scrabble with made up words is also a good time waster. Plus, there’s no point in arguing if everyone else is doing it. Winners all round!”


By Military Correspondent Ralph Ermey

A worrying amount of groups have recently been springing up on social media platforms aimed at women who are attracted to men in uniforms. Though this is nothing new, as firemen and doctors have always been popular amongst ladies, the growing concern is there’s going to be a massive disturbance to the lock down guidelines. The military will be helping out the police during these times by being on the street to break up and question anyone who’s in groups and not on essential errands. There’s been open discussions and plans on these groups regarding purposely going against these guidelines just so members can get close to these men in uniforms. I interviewed the moderator of the Facebook group Let’s Isolate With The Army Hunks, Michelle Pythagoras, as to her motivations behind her group.

TDJJ: “I note that you’re married, Mrs Pythagoras. Do you not feel your motivation for this group kind of undermines the relationship with your husband, and can put other people’s health at risk during this time of self isolation?”

MP: “No, because we plan to be arrested by the military and will then be kept in close proximity with them, and not have to spend any more time together with our useless husbands and partners.”

TDJJ: “So you’re going to actively resist the instructions to go home?”

MP: “Yes. And so will everyone else who’s been talking on all the other groups. We don’t get many opportunities of being close to men in army gear, especially with the prospect of being spoken to in stern voices unless in a mocking tone at hen parties, so I feel this has to happen for me and all those with partners in non-sexy uniformed jobs.”

TDJJ: “How many women do you think are going to do this?”

MP: “Well, we’ve got about 140 members in this group. There was only about 25 before this all kicked off. So all them. There’s bigger groups out there with the same plans, and these women are all over the UK, so I don’t think there’s going to be a shortage of army men in any particular area, it’s going to be spread out.”

TDJJ: “Is there any criteria to becoming a member of your group, and to participate in this plan?”

MP: “Not really, liking men in uniforms is universal, no matter the age or circumstances. I would prefer it if the women who are planning to do this have a background of being in a frustrating relationship with a feckless partner who can’t satisfy her needs if you know what I mean, but the group is open to any women really.”

TDJJ: “Does your husband know about this? What message would you give to those other women with partners?”

MP: “Yeah, he knows, and has voiced his concerns. But I’m sure if there was news of sexy women in bras on the streets, threatening to arrest them if they don’t go home, he and his perverted friends would do the same as us. They’ll all do it.”

TDJJ: “What safety precautions have you considered for this plan? I’m sure you know of the methods of the virus transmission.”

MP: “I’m not going to stop people if they want to wear masks, but they just need to consider the inconvenience of doing so once the heat gets turned up when close to the uniformed men, and the possibilities that will rise up, if you know what I mean.”

TDJJ: “What about those with children to look after, with no schools open and limited activities available? How would you explain your plans to them?”

MP: “Well, the partners can take over for once.”

TDJJ: “And finally, what is your response to the criticism you’ve received over this plan, and it’s not just men who have displayed their condemnation. You and every other moderator are under a lot of fire for this.”

MP: “Bring it on I say. Yeah, there’s a lot of people out there who just won’t get this. That’s fine. Listen, I’m not wanting to jeopardise anyone’s health, I’m not holding a gun to anyone’s head and forcing them to do this. My intention is to get like-minded women to consider how rare it is for this situation to be presented, to have so much military cock on tap.”


By Apocalypse Now Correspondent Marley Sheen

As daily news of the coronavirus pandemic is now in full swing, this has brought about a lot of fear throughout the world, especially with lock downs being put in place in many countries. The vast majority of the world are now indoors glued to the TV and internet for the latest news, and this situation sparked a solution inside the Head Of Programming for UK digital upstart TV Channel Clive, Clive Channel. He’s taken a leaf out of the type of popular “feel good” programmes which the more popular channels peddle out. His proposal for the rebranding of his channel has certainly raised eyebrows amongst his staff, but he’s adamant that this is the way forward in these troubling times. I interviewed Mr Channel in the empty canteen area in the channel’s HQ, which is actually his garage.

TDJJ: “Mr Channel I’ll be honest, I’ve never watched your channel before, but I know through research that you used to show a lot of old films on a loop which some would consider very racist nowadays. Would you say that your rebranding is also to do with the very low viewership as well?”

CC: “A little. Those films are really cheap to broadcast, for the reason you mention, and I’d like to go on record to say I don’t necessarily agree with a percentage of their content.”

TDJJ: “So you saw the current TV news landscape, and you’ve been quoted as saying you decided to become: ‘A kind of antidote for all the fear and panic that the media are pushing.’ What’s this antidote that you’ve come up with?”

CC: “Well, I’ve always been aware of other channels showing programmes that are made for people to laugh at other, less fortunate people, or ones about, say, some woman who’s been hoarding shit for years and now her house is full of it. I know these shows are made so people can feel good about themselves, that at least they’re not as poor or ugly or basically a complete fuck up like the ones in the shows. Using that logic, I decided that my channel should be full of films which revolve around zombie outbreaks or depicting a future where there’s only Charlton Heston or Will Smith left on Earth, because despite what’s happening in the real world, at least we’re not being turned into zombies or whatever.”

TDJJ: “Hmm, interesting way of looking at this. Do you feel, though, that some might see doing this is in poor taste?”

CC: “Not at all. I understand what’s currently going on, and appreciate how people want to do the right thing for the greater good. But I reckon there’s still a lot of people out there who would find solace in watching movie characters either turning into zombies or being eaten by them.”

TDJJ: “But do you feel the timing of showing these types of films right now is appropriate? I like them myself, but a lot might find zombie and post-apocalyptic films a bit close to home at the moment?”

CC: “No. Thing is, if you look down the history of horror and science fiction movies, they tended to reflect the politics and society in the years they were made. There was one point when the fear of the Russians were shown as hostile aliens on the big screen. Something like that anyway. Now is the right time to show these films, to put a positive spin on things. Plus zombies are fun.”

TDJJ: “Well, there are some bonafide classics out there. Which films can we look forward to? You mentioned Will Smith and Charlton Heston, so is I Am Legend and The Omega Man in the schedules?”

CC: “No, they’re a bit too expensive believe it or not. It’s mostly gonna be straight to DVD stuff, starring people who no one’s heard of. But they tend to go on about the end of the world and most have poorly designed zombies in. A load of Russian stuff which is ironic because of what I said earlier. Also, I filmed a zombie film with a bunch of mates a few years back, so I’ll have that on a kind of rotation.”

TDJJ: “Finally, if people would like to watch your channel, how do they go about it? I had trouble finding it myself.”

CC: “I’m not sure of the channel number. I think it depends what TV service you pay for, I can’t keep up. We have a website on Facebook as well, so if I can’t find it myself, I’ll look into uploading the films onto there. Not sure if the same legal things apply online or not. Leave me with it.”


By Resident Relationship Breakdown Expert Victor Warlike

One of the big issues in this current crisis has been the sheer amount of people stockpiling items from shops, notably toilet roll, hand gel, tinned goods etc. But one man has been buying up other specific items, based on lock down restrictions from other countries, which he feels he could benefit financially from. Recently-divorced Tim Dickorydock, 58, had been fired from his job at a local haberdashery store in Exeter. It happened before the outbreak reached the UK after an altercation with a customer over some yarn, and coupled with his tax-dodging past he is not able to get any cash from the government during this time. He didn’t let this affect his plan based on the prediction he made, and has ploughed his last £100 into his venture by buying up as many light coloured table cloths and bed sheets that he could before the stricter guidelines came in about excess buying habits. I interviewed Mr Dickorydock in his shed, where he has set up shop for his potential lucrative business, to see what his plans are.

TDJJ: “I can barely fit in this shed with you what with all these cloths and sheets. I can see you’ve got a sewing machine set up, but what’s this plan which you feel could benefit people like yourself during this lock down?”

TD: “It’s for something that’s close to my heart. When I was watching the news a while ago, and they started going on about lock downs in other countries and that, I thought: “What about those who sleep around?” There’s people who would have to stay indoors with the wife or partner all day, and those people would start getting all frustrated as they were unable to sneak off to their illegitimate lover or in my case lovers.”

TDJJ: “Erm, okay, but what are you making with all these sheets?”

TD: “Well, as everyone knows now, you can only leave your house for essential stuff, one of which is to going to work if you’re a doctor. My plan is to make loads of doctor costumes for those who want to continue their affairs throughout this difficult time. By wearing a doctors uniform, they won’t be questioned as they look like they’re on their way to work. Easy. Plus, the uniform would add more spice into the wrongful goings on.”

TDJJ: “How many of these uniforms are you looking to make?”

TD: “Why, do you want one?”

TDJJ: “Erm, it’ll be for one of my friends.”

TD: “Okay. Right now, I’m guessing I’ve got enough for about 30 uniforms. Once I shift these, I’ll be able to buy more table cloths and that, though with the current restrictions I’d have to be crafty about it.”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing your time working at the haberdashery store was good experience for this.”

TD: “Yeah, though I was more working on the till. I couldn’t do half the stuff the others could do. I can’t knit for shit. I saw others working on one of these sewing machines, it doesn’t look too difficult to use. Besides, doctors outfits should be easy to make, very simple design.”

TDJJ: “Is that sewing machine from your old work? Looks complicated.”

TD: “They gave it to me as a going away present, that’s how kind they are, even though I was let go for fighting over yarn.”

TDJJ: “So, how are you going to advertise these uniforms?”

TD: “There’s a few secret Facebook groups about married men who play away from home. I can’t give you the details, it goes against policy, but there’s a lot of interest in this sort of thing. I’ll post on these pages, should easily get rid of this lot. Then we’ll see!”

TDJJ: “Finally, what if this backfires and people see you profiteering during this tricky time, that using a medical disguise is in poor taste, and a health risk if one of the people involved are in the high risk categories?”

TD: “Firstly, I’d like to say that the doctors and nurses are doing a great job under such strained circumstances. It isn’t my intention to anger anyone by using fake doctor uniforms. It’s just that I can make uniforms for either doctors or supermarket staff. Doctor uniforms are hands down more sexier, you ask anyone.”