OUTRAGE AS GROUP OF PROFESSORS ALLEGEDLY WASTE PUBLIC MONEY

There’s been almost universal outrage on social network sites and broadcast media, with recent news confirming that a group of Bristol professors are currently involved in an experiment believed to squander valuable public money. The original proposal had been changed at the last minute, and that decision is why they are getting all this criticism. TDJJ spoke with Professor Twins Thompson in the lab where their experiment is currently under way.

TDJJ: “Okay, to set things straight, what was your initial proposal? And can you clear up the raging debate about the reason for the change. There’s a lot of different rumours and half-truths about all this, wherever you look.”

PTT: “The first proposal – which was to see if and how we can get plants to communicate with robotic technology in the medical industry – was going ahead as planned. We did a lot of research and some rudimentary tests had been undertaken. After a week or so, it was one of our colleagues’ 50th. For a treat, I brought in several cans of lager to have after work that day. We had some money left over from the grant, so decided after the cans to go to a nearby bar. It was later that night – I think we went to a few places, my mind’s a bit hazy – that one of us came up with the new proposal which we are working on today.”

TDJJ: “Is it the most heavily rumoured idea?”

PTT: “Yes, we’re looking to find out the effects on a cat if you keep nudging it, in a large-ish environment.”

TDJJ: “I see. And how did you come to this new proposal?

PTT: “Again, I can’t quite recall. I got home and saw it on one of the beer mats I stole for some reason. It’s written in Professor Boys Petshop’s scribbled handwriting. He’s the one in that room conducting the experiment right now.”

TDJJ: “Playing devil’s advocate, I can see how the news of this has angered a lot of hard working people, how they don’t see a benefit to whatever conclusion that you may end up with. You must realise that the plant robot idea had more of a point to it.”

PTT: “Listen, there are lots of other scientists studying ideas everywhere which will help make the world a better place. I’m not here to debate which of our two proposals are more worthy. But you always read about studies which, on the surface, don’t have any meaningful benefit to society. I read one study where they tested if flies preferred one particular type of door varnish over another. Who cares, right?”

TDJJ: “TDJJ read that story and agrees with you, and your new experiment. The world isn’t going to end if one group of esteemed professors decide to bring a bit of humour to science, it’s only costing several tens of thousands of pounds. Can you go into a bit more detail on your experiment?”

PTT: “We have a cat. Actually, it’s Professor Amitri Del’s cat. We have it in a regular looking front room, made to look like what it recognises at home, and a few adjoining rooms as well, with no exit, and everything is modified to a point where there’s no hiding place for it. Then Professor Petshop nudges the cat if it sits down or stops, writes notes down on his clipboard – whether it scratches, hisses, or just gets up again and walks somewhere else. Things like that.”

TDJJ: “How long has this been going on?”

PTT: “Nearly two days. We feed the cat don’t worry, but it’s getting a bit cranky now.”

TDJJ: “You understand if these details get out, you may have the RSPCA to answer to. A lot of cat lovers out there.”

PTT: “Print this, I don’t care. They can back off. I like cats too, it’s just a bit of a laugh and it’s in the name of science. We’ll see how much more blood Professor Petshop can still shed without collapsing, then we’ll think about pulling him out. This could be a yearly thing, see if we can beat whatever record we set this time.”

Professor Thompson begins to laugh at his colleague in the room, decides to end the interview, and offers his thanks for allowing him the time to clarify a few things. He vows to keep TDJJ up to date on the developments, and if the experiment is a success, he will put forward a proposal to the government about holding annual tournaments.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN PLANS TO WIN AWARD FOR MOST OUTRAGED REACTION TO FINAL CHAPTER IN LONG-RUNNING SAGA

A 48-year old woman from Basingstoke, unemployable Natasha Sagat, has plans to make a video review which she feels will win her the esteemed award for ‘Most Outraged Reaction On The Last Performance Of The Long-Running Saga, Battle Between The Swans’. Or MOROTLPOTLRSBBTS, as it is more commonly known amongst fans. Ms. Sagat faces stiff competition, but she’s up for the challenge. TDJJ sits down with her, in a pokey bedsit she shares with her lover Walter Ken, to learn more.

TDJJ: “So, Natasha, tell me how you became a fan of the Battle Between The Swans saga.”

NS: “Well, I’ve always been a fan of dances. I used to take line dancing and country dancing lessons. Never liked tap dancing though. Time went by and I started hanging around people who were into different things, like rabbits and smoking, so I got out of touch with everything. But it was when I caught a TV show few years later about interpretive dance, and specifically the story of Battle Between The Swans, which pulled me right back.”

TDJJ: “I note there’s a pretty big following, I’ve not really known about it myself until now. There’s a bit of a divide with some sections of supporters isn’t there? Where do you stand on this?”

NS: “The original three productions are the best ones, the stories told through the dancing capture everything perfectly in my opinion. The issues began when the next productions chronicled the childhood years of the main character, Mikie Carter, and how he became the best middle-manager at a food store. I agree with most other fans, the dancing is a bit clunky in those ones. But it’s these new ones which everyone has issues with. Inconsistencies within the dances, unbelievable twists and pirouettes, old characters returning just to have one last dance before getting eaten by the swans.”

This reporter notes that Ms. Sagat is getting redder in the face. She gets some tablets and takes them with water. There’s a five minute break before she’s ready to continue. It’s obvious, with her laboured breathing, that this latest performance has touched several nerves. It’s worth noting that she’s only recently got out of hospital, the reason she has yet to make her video review. TDJJ proceeded with caution.

TDJJ: “Okay, can you share your story on how you came to be in hospital recently? It’s the reason you have yet to make your video review isn’t it?”

NS: “Well, I was in the theatre, watching the midnight production, and I could sense I was getting more and more irate with how I wasn’t agreeing with some of the dancing. There came a moment, which I don’t want to spoil, when I got so outraged that I spontaneously combusted right there in my seat. Luckily my partner had been to a hardware store earlier and had a bag of sand with him. He threw the contents of it on me and I felt okay enough to watch it to the end. We went to the hospital afterwards, and was told after numerous tests that I had 85% burns to my body, so had to stay in. It was touch and go for a bit.”

TDJJ: “Have you seen any other videos in this competition since you’ve come back?”

NS: “I’ve heard there’s one in particular, by Youtuber Swansbitch_1962, who won the contest when the previous Swans dance came out. Apparently she vomits four times her body weight during her review this time. Which if that’s the case, is going to be a difficult one to beat.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, it’s graphic. It is indeed four times her own body weight, it’s been officially verified by the MOROTLPOTLRSBBTS authorities.”

NS: “This is why I feel I need to risk it all and spontaneously combust again in mine. That’ll be key. I posted a picture of myself all charred up at the end of the premiere, but people called it a fake. All the medical staff warned against my plan, but I feel it’s the only way to win this award.”

TDJJ: “Do you think, if you are successful in going up in flames in your video, it’ll be when you talk about that particular moment in the theatre?”

NS: “Probably. It’s stupid though, the idea that the lowly fishmonger is somehow related to the main villain Mikie. He was shot dead in 1971 on a beach in Newcastle. How can he possibly–”

Ms. Sagat stops herself, reaches for more pills. She tells me she needs a lie down. I end the interview and leave. Ms. Sagat vowed to post her review video in the next day or so.

Battle Between The Swans IX: The Last Swan Battle Between The Stars For A Bit is showing at all theatres now.

CARTOON RAT THING CALLS IT A DAY

The popular character Scrat has finally hung up his claws in his attempts to capture an acorn, chronicled over a series of hit movies. His escapades have officially been deemed hilarious, a great throwback to the silent era of movies. TDJJ travelled back in time to the era in which the films are set, together with animal translator Victor Doolittle, to speak with the animated rodent, whose shock decision is bound to upset everyone in the world. For added realism, wait a few moments before reading Scrat’s response, as in real time Doolittle had to translate everything for him, then get his answer, and finally transferring the rat thing language back into English.

TDJJ: “It’s been a hell of a ride. Ever since your debut, fans have been watching your career closely. There were times when it look like you had the acorn, only for occasional outside forces to snatch your opportunity, again and again. Explain how you dealt with that frustration so many times.

S: “First, I wanna thank the fans, they’re the best. Without them none of this would be possible. Yeah, since 2002 it was frustrating in there. I tried every time to execute my game plan, me and my team of animators and writers – what up, you guys! – put a lot of effort into each moment. I guess it wasn’t to be.”

TDJJ: “Talk us through how you continued to mentally prepare yourself, knowing that this acorn had got the better of you in the past on multiple occasions.”

S: “It was hard. We’d go back, watch the tapes, go back to the drawing board. I was learning something new each time. Just training, man. As you say sometimes there were things outside of my control, notable a sexy rat thing that caught me off guard that time, I know my former wife ain’t never gonna let me forget that one!”

TDJJ: “And how are things now between you two? Lately the tabloid press has been full of lurid stories about certain aspect of your troubled relationship. Care to comment?”

S: “Yeah, the past 18 years were hard, man. When I wasn’t in there trying to get that acorn, I was always thinking about how to get it, different styles, different techniques, things like that. My mind wasn’t on nothing else. It was tough for her too I guess, but I was a rat thing on a mission. We wanted different things in life.”

TDJJ: “How do you want fans to remember you during your career?”

S: “Man, I just feel blessed that so many people liked watching me. Listen, I studied all the classics from the silent movie era. I’m just glad I was able to emulate some of that, to show a new generation that these types of capers still have value.”

TDJJ: “Going back to media talk, there’s been a certain other acorn trash talking you, questioning your rat thinghood, turning up at your press conferences, openly mocking this decision. What’s your response? Would you oblige it and get back in there?”

S: “Ah, it’s just trying to make a name for itself. It ain’t done nothing yet. There’s no threat there. Listen, there’s always something else coming up. My time is done.”

TDJJ: “So there’s no chance of a comeback at any point? Even if the original acorn calls you up at some point down the road? You sound like a rat thing of your word, but so many have come back, they miss the fame, the fans, the money. How are you going to resist all that?”

S: “Right now, I’m thinking of just kicking back, enjoy my time. I’m thinking maybe I can get a trainers licence. Maybe I can find me a raw, hungry, new rat thing to chase down that damn acorn.”

TDJJ: “Thanks for your time. Your acorn chasing career has been a delight for many, you’re surely headed for the Rat Thing Hall Of Fame. One more thing – can you do your call, one last time?”

S: “RRRAAAATTT TTHHHHIIINNNGGG SSQQUUAAAAAAAADD!!”

MAN SUES SELF FOR HATE CRIME!

Self-employed arm wrestler, 35-year old Carlton Heelturn is taking himself to court over an alleged hate crime. The incident occurred a few days after Christmas day, and is waiting until he gets a day available so legal proceedings can start in earnest. The Daily JabJab interviewed a tearful Heelturn at his home:

“Like most people over Christmas, I overindulged on the food and drink. I can barely remember Christmas day. My mate Jobber bought me a case of some strong Chinese lager. Coupled with the chocolates, turkey and three types of potatoes, I spent the majority of the day on the bog. It was flowing from all orifices. The missus weren’t very happy. We had her family round. They didn’t really like me anyway due to my numerous affairs and opinions on 90s British romantic comedies. After a few days in bed, I got up and glanced at myself in the mirror when taking off my socks, and noticed I had put on a bit of weight over the festive period.”

Heelturn started crying even more. This reporter wasn’t sure what to do, had no training for this kind of thing. Just patted him on the back. Ten minutes later, Heelturn plucks up the courage to continue:

“I’m an easy going guy, usually. I’m not one for insulting people, but knew I had fat-shamed myself. I don’t know if it was because I was still shitting lumpy yellow stuff, but this thought made myself really uneasy and vulnerable. I like to read the papers, and I’m aware of the term hate crime, and that nowadays pretty much everything is offensive. And suddenly I realised I can’t take this lying down. I should be able to go through life without being mocked and ridiculed, I wasn’t going to let myself get away with this!”

Just then, Heelturn’s girlfriend Christine Laddermatch walks in to console him. She agreed to comment on the situation: “Although it’s tearing himself apart, he knows justice has to be done and has to take himself to court, to defend only the part of himself that feels offended. My Aunt Myrtle is a lawyer, and really despises Carlton due to his feelings about Four Weddings and a Funeral, and has put herself forward in defending the part of him that made the offensive slur. Carlton has no legal training at all, but is willing to fight all the way.”

Laddermatch herself starts crying and leaves the room. The odds look as though they’re stacked against Heelturn.

“Given my previous offences, mainly involving potatoes, I fear the worst as her fucking Aunt will be defending the part of me which made the callous remark. I don’t fancy spending a few years in jail over this. This is personal. I’ve ordered the LA Law boxset from the internet to help me. I only hope it’s delivered before it all kicks off. I’ve had to put in extra shifts so I can afford everything. My other mate Dan Crossface – who works in a bookies – has told me that if I win, I should be able to make my money back and more besides. Plus, it’s not that I hate Four Weddings and a Funeral, I just feel it not as good as a lot of people make out.”

The Carlton Heelturn case might sound unique, but it follows a recent story in Texas, USA, where 28-year old Whinney Clothesline got caught in the rain one night, got home and said aloud to herself that her hair was a mess due to the adverse weather. She lost the ensuing case and is now serving 10 years in prison.

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.