TYSON FURY BRINGS IN SURPRISE TRAINER IN PREPARATION FOR WORLD TITLE FIGHT

By Boxing Correspondent “Marvellous” Cecil Unchartered

Lineal Heavyweight champion Tyson Fury has revealed that his decision to bring in Mortal Kombat character Scorpion as his trainer is purely to make sure that he’ll be able to withstand anything his opponent, WBC champion Deontay Wilder, might throw at him in their upcoming fight. This announcement has surprised most in the boxing world, with some speculating that they’re working on using moves which don’t conform to the Marquess of Queensbury rules. I interviewed both Tyson and Scorpion – real name Simon Corpion – in their gym just after a gruelling sparring session.

TDJJ: “Tyson, you’re probably aware of the rumours currently going around about various game plans that you’re working on. Care to comment on probably the most bizarre one where you’ve surgically inserted a grappling hook into your arm?”

TF: “I’ll be honest, I was tempted, but knew I’d be found out pretty quickly if I used it, what with all the cameras and replays. At the end of the day, I want to have a fair fight. I brought in Scorpion here primarily to help me on my stamina and powers of recovery.”

TDJJ: “So Mr. Corpion, you’ve recently restarted the Mortal Kombat tournament after being beaten in the quarter finals in the last one. How can you possibly have time to train Tyson? Aren’t you tired after your victory against Erron Black a few days ago?”

S: “Ha, I’ll get by. Training Tyson is actually less intense than what I’m used to. It’s been chill, just working on a few specifics.”

TDJJ: “Are you willing to go into any more details on this, Tyson?”

TF: “As I say, he’s here to help me improve my powers of recovery. We all know the power Deontay has. This guy here, don’t forget, fought Baraka a few weeks ago. It was a close fight, nip and tuck, and unfortunately, that bald, toothy dosser won and actually ate Scorpion’s brain, no need for the referee to count. To see him here now is a testament to his powers of recovery. I’m not sure Deontay has that kind of brutality in him, but I’m not taking any chances.”

S: “Stop, you’re embarrassing me.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel, Mr. Corpion, that you could see yourself taking up boxing if you decide to quit Hapkido, Moi Fah and Pi Gua one day?”

S: “As fun as this is, I don’t think so. Old habits die hard, I’ll most likely murder a few too many opponents by mistake. Probably get banned.”

TDJJ: “Tyson, any final words for Deontay?”

TF: “You’re going down, son. Get over here, me and Scorpsy are gonna show you the REAL bomb squad when you get in the ring.”

TDJJ: “And Scorpion, what are your plans after this fight?”

S: “I think I’m gonna have to go to the doctors. I’ve got a headache from being shot several times in the eyes in my last fight. A shotgun, mind. And it’s not shifting.”

I end the interview there, wish them the best. Tyson spends the next ten minutes calling everyone in the gym a dosser, apart from Scorpion. The Tyson Fury vs Deontay Wilder II fight takes place on Saturday 22nd February.

SINGER URGED TO QUIT DUE TO PRESSURE FROM PARENT OF FAN

By Pop Correspondent Venison Mullet

The career of American pop star Jolly “Flower” Blap is not in doubt even if her second song Kitchen Argument Blues hasn’t been met with universal praise like her debut Giddy As Flip, which featured DJ Doppelganger and the mysterious Mighty Shovel. Although her new song has been at number one for two weeks in several countries, it didn’t stop one British mother from contacting her record company with her daughter’s views. It had been reported that Blap had “Selfishly” passed the phone call over to her agent, and this flippant reaction caused no real panic across the internet. TDJJ sat down in a nearby park to talk with the mother – Pat Kyleshow – who made that phone call.

PK: “I’m glad she’s getting all this criticism. It’s people like me who keep her in a job. We have a right to our opinion. My daughter has only just gone back to school, she was gutted when she first heard the new song, definitely not as catchy.”

TDJJ: “I listened to both songs before this interview for research purposes. To be honest they aren’t my cup of tea, but the first one, the one that has all those car alarms in, is a lot faster.”

PK: “See? I don’t know what she was thinking. Why make a song about an argument she once had in a kitchen? Does she really think 9-year old girls can relate to that kind of thing?”

TDJJ: “Well, I did look further into it, see if there was a reason for the shift in tone. There’s six people credited for writing this song, and Jolly isn’t one of them. I think she’s just a singer as it’s other people playing the keyboards.”

PK: “Whatever. Me and my daughter are still waiting for that apology. I’m very disappointed. The Daily Mail wouldn’t run my story as it didn’t involve immigration or badmouth Labour. I’m just glad people like you are prepared to report my opinions online, that’s where the important stuff happens. And Blap knows that.”

TDJJ: “Thanks for that. How long are you prepared to wait for this apology? Blap’s representatives have stated that this new song has proved to be a great success all around the world, and they can’t possibly reply to everyone, critical or otherwise.”

PK: “It’s not good enough. She thinks she’s better than me.”

TDJJ: “I don’t think–”

I momentarily pause the interview as Ms. Kyleshow starts to cry and repeatedly smash her fists into the dashboard. After saying “Two weeks” to herself several times, she tells me that she’s ready to continue.

PK: “I know me and my daughter deserve more. I actually wrote down my feelings about this ordeal into a poem, as recommended by my GP, and I got my daughter to sing it. Do you want me to sing it for you?”

This reporter felt a little edgy. The question sounded rhetorical, didn’t see the point in arguing.

PK: “There was a spoilt bitch from America,

Whose name is Blap and not Erica,

She wrote a song we didn’t like,

I don’t know why others did like,

She should stop her career I have my opinions because I pay for ya.”

I clapped nervously and thanked Ms. Kyleshow for her time, asked her to unlock the door. I’m glad she didn’t ask for my review.

PK: “We’re going to apply for Britain’s Got Talent, sing the poem there. That’ll teach her.”

She lets me out. As I walk back to the office, I make a mental note of questioning the quality control of the people interviewed.

MAN’S PLEA TO FIND CONTACTS FOR OBSCURE GAME PUBLISHERS AS DEBTS MOUNT

By Fearless Reporter Rory Pacquiao

A 47-year old man in financial dire straits has spent the last two weeks desperately trying to find contact details for the company BryanscatSoft. who made the ZX Spectrum computer game Fruit Machine 3000 II: Special Nudge Edition back in 1983. Ralph Mayweather, who is currently living with his mum, believes he is owed several thousand pounds in winnings from the game. Unfortunately, his search so far has proved fruitless, pun intended. He’s made a few of the bookies and other, more unscrupulous lenders aware of the money he’s waiting for, but none of them believe him, or the blurry photos of the TV screen with the game information on. TDJJ spoke with Ralph in his mum’s kitchen while she was out doing bingo.

TTDJ: “So how far did you get into finding the contact details of this company?”

RM: “Well, I looked up the company name, and a few people on message boards told me that this game was the last one they made due to poor sales, and left the business. I’ve heard Bryan has a new cat. The rights to the game have apparently been through a fair few companies since, it’s a little sketchy.”

TDJJ: “A question that immediately sprung to my mind, and probably the one most people think when reading the story, is: This is a computer game. Surely you knew it was non-existent money that you were winning?”

RM: “Yeah I got that from several people. Thing is, I reckon the people who made the game were ahead of their time, it’s quite realistic with all hypnotic music. I don’t have the instructions any more, but maybe there’s a code or something in the game what you’d match up in the manual, which you’d then give to a bank, and they’d convert it into cash. Or maybe some kind of digital currency, like Bitocoin or whatever it’s called.

TDJJ: “But the game was made several decades ago, obviously way before such currency was invented.”

RM: “Like I mentioned, I believe they were thinking ahead, about how we would be spending cash in the future which is now. Look at The Terminator what came out the year after. They predicted robots that could follow a simple set of commands, following orders, things that we have nowadays. We’ll just have to see if they overthrow us in the future at some point. I can’t actually see a button on any of the game screens, but I bet it was Bryan’s intention to include one that said ‘Convert’ or something.”

TDJJ: “Has anyone that you’ve spoken to believed any of this?”

RM: “It’s difficult to say. I think they believe that I believe in it. That’s the main thing isn’t it, that people can just leave you to it and not involve themselves. The bookies and other people I owe are the more vocal ones. And physical.”

TDJJ: “Do you have a deadline with any of these people, and how long are you giving yourself to find the contact details?”

RM: “Some of them want their cash by this Saturday. That’s four days, and I’ve got nothing to sell any more. My mum doesn’t get paid till a week on Friday. I’ve put a few messages on gaming sites to help out. I’ve not heard anything yet, apart from some unwanted verbal abuse and threats. Actually, thinking about it, my photos could be considered as sort of IOUs. That’s as good as money. So if I don’t hear anything until Saturday, maybe they could just have them.”

TDJJ: “Not sure if bookies accept IOUs. And surely it’d be the same for any other lenders out there, especially violent ones.”

RM: “Shit, they are the violent ones.”

Mr. Mayweather suddenly becomes a lot more tense, his face turning white. I offer him one of the half-empty cans of lager on the table to settle his nerves. After a couple of minutes he looks at me as though inspiration has hit.

RM: “Can you drive me to Oxford?”

TDJJ: “No sorry, I failed my test years ago and never bothered to start lessons again.”

RM: “So, you can drive a bit. I think Bryan still lives in Oxford, we can go there, ask around. Also, I can start afresh, miles from troubles round here. Are you okay to wait ‘til my mum comes back? We’ll take her car.”

I thank him for his time and politely end the interview. I explain that schedules permit me from any unplanned trips to Oxford, which would take several hours, but wish him the best all the same. He asked if anyone who knew any details regarding the current legal status of the game, can they get in touch. Not sure how this would work as he hasn’t got a phone and doesn’t want to drag his mum into this.

SHOCK STUDY SHOWS HUGE DOWNTURN IN PARTIALLY-REMEMBERED MOVIE RE-ENACTMENTS IN BRITAIN’S PLAYGROUNDS

Multiple accusations are being thrown around in the wake of the results of a recent study conducted by Ofsted. They have concluded that Primary School children nowadays are, on average, 61% percent less likely to poorly re-enact scenes from American movies that they’ve seen recently on TV, compared with the results from the same study 30 years ago, with Vengabus Primary School For Boys and Girls in Stocktown having the highest drop at 82%. TDJJ spoke with under-fire Chief Inspector Nate Shameneezer, about how to reverse this shocking downturn.

TDJJ: “What do you see as the reasons for these statistics?!”

NS: “Society itself has changed so much in the last 30 years, especially for the younger generation. Everything is on tap for them nowadays, be it tablets and phones with access to the internet, powerful games consoles, violent cartoons, and also literally hundreds of equally poor TV channels. There’s too much choice for the child of today to focus on, knowing there might be something else that they’re missing out on. This constant change between everything means that they can’t simply focus on any particular American film to vaguely remember. Contrast with 30 years ago, everything was much simpler, less of everything, no internet, no mobile phones unless you were dealing drugs. And with this relative lack of choice, children were pretty much forced to watch whatever American film was on, knowing that their friends would be doing so too. And that would make it easier in the playgrounds when it came to arguing about what actually happened in the film.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel, in light of the results, that TV networks are responsible as well as, what most believe, the education system?”

NS: “Well, we’re obviously sharing some of the blame for this, and we are looking into implementing changes into the curriculum to help improve things. Unfortunately I can’t control what the TV networks decide to put on their stations. But yes, TV bosses have to look at themselves in the mirror and realise that they’re also responsible. Stop all this ‘reality TV’ and late night gambling nonsense, and put some more average to bad action films on instead. Surely they see this logic now.”

TDJJ: “You mention changes to the curriculum, what plans have you got in mind?”

NS: “We’re planning to get rid of a few things, like choir practice, the chess clubs, drama, things like that which only attract the weak kids. Instead we’ll be showing American action films in classes, and afterwards the teacher will quiz them on what happened in the film that was just on. Knowing that kids don’t have much of an attention span, the results will be adequately poor, which is perfect for scene re-enacting from the glory days of the 80s and early 90s.”

TDJJ: “What would you say to the parents who have scoffed at this study, who feel that these results are not important, and detract from the so-called ‘proper’ issues affecting education nowadays.”

NS: “To be honest, I don’t know what schools they went to. I suppose they also support the banning of British Bulldog as well. Pretending to be an American star in an action film should be part and parcel of growing up. We believe that bringing in our new plans will help stop the decline in exam results and reduce the amount of arsonists in schools up and down the land. Kids having American action films to focus on means that their under developed memory recall will improve while they struggle to remember the pithy one liners and swearing.”

TDJJ: “And finally, what did you put in the letters to the numerous TV stations regarding all this?”

NS: “As well as dropping reality TV and late night casino programmes, I also requested them to introduce arty European films which have a hint of carnal desires. This caters more for the older pupils, who would then exaggerate to their friends on the film’s content at school, and this would in turn improve their results in French and German. The sooner parents see the sense in our plans, the better.”

TECH WOES CONTINUE AS DESIGNER OF CYBER CREATURE LOSES YET MORE SUBSCRIBERS

The subscriber base for Spoffo the Compli-Hen, the android hen built by tech start-up Lloydy5000-o-Tech, has again plummeted in the past week due to a series of failed patches and an even more complex set of instructions rolled out. Spoffo was first released back in November last year to moderate fanfare, mainly due to the idea behind it sounding a bit too science fiction, and also potential users were a bit wary due to the bewildering amount of hoop-jumping and parameters required to get Spoffo to function properly. TDJJ sat down with the company’s outspoken CEO Lloyd Nimbus, in his bedroom office, to see where his company goes from here.

TTDJ: “You’ve seen the numbers, and must be aware of the sheer amount of complaints online. It’s even inspired a series of memes called ‘Glitchin’ Chicken’. Do you still stand by your response to all this by blaming the internet?”

LN: “Well, it’s a hen for a start. Big difference. Yes, the whole of the internet is against us, against progress. It really isn’t my fault that users can’t get Spoffo working as well as we promised. Most people aren’t meeting us half way, they’re not buying the premium package that will give them the best compliments.”

TTDJ: “That aspect of the system, the Compliments Communicator, seem to be the main sticking point, besides the number of recent changes to the operating system rules. There’s even reports of IT experts spending all night working through the new instruction book, and only getting a few vaguely friendly comments out of the hen.”

LN: “Well it works fine for us. Were any of them within 20 feet with a mobile phone? As you may know the manual clearly mentions on page 43, paragraph nine, that any smart devices within 35 feet will adversely affect Spoffo, specifically if a device is not connected via bluetooth to an object larger than at least three other identical devices within 15 feet connected to the internet, no more than 10 feet away from two which have tethering capabilities, and are placed in a rhombus circle. It’s not rocket science.”

TTDJ: “So you’re still not giving out refunds? Customers feel they’ve been lied to.”

LN: “No refunds. Nothing wrong with our hen. What people are forgetting, is that Spoffo works without an existing Farm Control Tower. You save money on that.”

TTDJ: “I was going to mention that. Yes, you don’t need an FCT, but with all the other vital add ons you’ve released, subscription fees, location fees, licence fees, not to mention the almost daily amendments to the operation rules, you save about £10 initially. Over the year though, at the current rate, people stand to be around £3,000 worse off.”

Mr. Nimbus then sprung up from his chair and started to pace up and down. This reporter feared that the CEO’s famed violent streak might rear its ugly head.

LN: “Listen, I started this company two months ago because I saw a gap in the market for a compliment-presenting cyber hen. Everyone likes compliments, but they want it given to them on a plate. In society, you should have to earn compliments, surely. I’m furious over this. In fact, I’m going to raise the prices of everything, right now, and I’m also going to make a dozen amendments in the instruction book, but not highlight where these changes are, just so people like you have to work even harder to get Spoffo to function properly.”

After a few minutes of glaring out of the window at passers by and muttering, Mr. Nimbus calms down a bit and shows me the door.

LN: “It’s best if you leave. I know what I’m doing. This time next year, Spoffo will be in every household. In fact, three in every household.”

TDJJ exits his house with Mr. Nimbus’ laughter echoing off the walls, fairly safe in the knowledge that Lloydy5000-o-Tech will crash and burn. Lloyd may or may not know that two rival companies are building their own respect spouting cyber wildfowl, that use an existing Farm Control Tower found in most people’s home already, much cheaper and easier to operate.

WOMAN, 27, RECEIVES UNEXPECTED AND UNWELCOME ATTENTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA

[I originally uploaded this story on 05/01/20, putting it on a separate page so it’s more visible or something. Dunno.]

A former mid-range clothing store employee decided to quit her social media accounts yesterday following a frankly bizarre amount of people commenting on one of her recent uploaded photos. 27-year old Clementine Standard, originally from Spain or somewhere like that, was an avid fan of posting photos online to show her friends and family back home, where she left a few years ago to follow her dreams, in Kent. TDJJ sat down with her in her bedroom as she takes up the story.

“I do a lot of home cooking – I grew up being shown how to make wonderful dishes from my Mama and Papa. After leaving home I vowed to everyone I would continue to document the food I make, to show my improvement in not only this, but also to keep them up to date with my skills selling clothes in a moderately fashionable shop.”

Miss. Standard pauses for a moment. She looked like she was struggling to find the words to express the heartbreaking decision she had to make.

“On a day off last week, I had a lot of time to myself, so I decided to create a boiled potato-based meal, garnished with some native spices from my homeland, all topped off with gravy. It was a meal I had never made before, but I kept having this dream about it. I took a series of photos and posted it on my Facebook and Instagram pages. Normally, I’d get a dozen or so likes and comments within an hour or so. I couldn’t believe my eyes when the numbers were going up and up. Comments kept coming as well, mostly from strangers from all over the world.”

Again, Miss Standard paused, looking as though she’s replaying the events in her head. Her expression turns to confusion and disgust.

“It was one particular photo that was getting all this attention. The comments started off normal enough, but soon became very strange and, to be honest, inappropriate. I don’t do much online apart from my own personal stuff and comparing jumper prices from rival middle of the range clothing outlets, so maybe it’s a thing on the internet, a very dark thing.”

TDJJ quotes a few of the posts to her as she shakes her head. She stops me after 10 comments, grabs the hand-written list from me.

“Stop! ‘I can replace the gravy with my own gravy!?’, ‘I took my laptop to the bathroom, not my proudest fap!?’ What’s fap mean? What’s wrong with these people?

Animals. This reporter assures her that he has a friend who is aware of a lot of the erotica categories out there, but has never heard of one catering to people who lust after root vegetables. All this unwanted attention began to affect her at work, so she made a decision that has since been problematic.

“I started to purposely fold the clothes differently at work, not the way in how we were trained. The managers have started to notice, they’re currently having one-to-one meetings with everyone about it. Out of desperation one night, I decided I was going to delete my accounts. The messages on this photo were getting more and more depraved, but one stood out. It was from a high class food magazine, and they were asking me to come to their office with the potato. I told them that I’ve since ate it, then deleted everything. I couldn’t go into work the next day, certain that I’d be hauled into the office about the wrongly folded garments, convinced I’d be found out and fired, and then how would I pay my bills? I decided to make another meal like the first one, but I’d used up most of the native spices, and the gravy didn’t look quite the same as a result. I created a new account and contacted the magazine with the new photo, maybe they’d offer me a lot of money for them. They replied back saying the meal didn’t look as good, and soon enough the commenters on the original photo had the same view. I was at a crossroads. I finally decided to face the music at work and went in to confess. I was fired on the spot. Looking back, I can’t see much difference between the two meals. If the first potato was sexy, why not the other?”

She asks for this reporter’s opinions. TDJJ made some excuses then left quickly. Clementine Standard was fired for mismanaging stock and for throwing fire extinguishers down an escalator.

NEW MAD MAX FILM TO BE SHOT IN SMALL VILLAGE

[I originally uploaded this story on 04/01/20, putting it on a separate page so it’s more visible or something. Dunno.]

Exciting news for a small village in Stocktown, as Warner Bros have decided to use it as the location for the new Mad Max film. Skaggneton, which comprises of a small shopping centre, rickety houses and a general relaxed attitude towards hygiene, has been seen as the ideal choice, saving the studio millions on the budget. Producer of the film, Chuck Sweetchuck III, looked very pleased with himself when asked about his decision. TDJJ sat down with him in his makeshift office in a discarded shoe shop.

“Yeah man, this tiny village was exactly what we were looking for. I was sure surprised that there was still a place like this in a developed country. I reckon we’d just need to put, like, a couple bags of sand on the roads, and we got ourselves a movie, god damn it!”

TDJJ asked him how many other places did they scout before deciding on Skaggneton, and was there a particular deal breaker that set this place apart from the others?

“We looked at some parts of Texas, Arkansas and Philly, but nothing spoke to me as much as this place. I just love the mixture of discount shops and violent drinking holes. I even saw an advert for Borat on one of the phone booths. I mean, that came out in, like, 2006? What sealed the deal was when we were sitting in one of the poorly-lit bars admiring the lack of interior decorating, when we were approached by some quirky folk who could tell straight away we were outsiders as we had suits on. We’d already been subjected to some authentic Brit aggression when I asked if they served food earlier on. One of our party was glassed and had to be hospitalised, while another suffered minor eye injuries when initially refusing to hand over some notes. I actually ended up almost naked as one of the gang took my suit with the intention of selling it to a nearby vagrant. I got caught up in the spirit of things and offered them all parts in the film. Telling them that we were in town to make the next Mad Max film seemed to make them even more willing to get into character, portraying a dystopian future world where people fight for survival and business suits. I could’ve cried right there!”

While speaking with Chuck, you could tell he had fallen in love with the place. TDJJ gave him a brief history of the village, how council funding has virtually dried up in the last 15 years or so.

“And it shows! I’m kicking myself that we didn’t use the village for Fury Road. Closing the deal with the mayor was awesome! This will be a good time for Skeegotron!”

After the interview TDJJ caught up with the controversial mayor of Stocktown, Laramie Chuckie-Egg, to get his insight into the prospect of rubbing shoulders with Tinseltown. He is equally excited with the deal, but had some words of caution.

“I’ve been mayor for over 14 years, and in that time I’ve never invested any money in Skaggneton. Mainly because my ex lives there. If she and her new kid thinks she’s getting any of this Hollywood cash, she can bloody whistle. I’m getting myself a better car. Instead of continually sending me animal shit through the post, the locals in Skaggneton should redirect their frustration at her. She ended it with me. I’m not being selfish!”

Mad Max: Hail to The Jovial Farmer is out later this year.

GOSPORT MAN DISCOVERS ANSWER FOR NATIONAL DEBT CRISIS

[I originally uploaded this story on 03/01/20, putting it on a separate page so it’s more visible or something. Dunno.]

Shock waves have spread throughout the political parties like wildfire or something, as 64-year old semi-retired backstreet balloonist Alf Wind woke up in the night recently with the answer to the UK’s main concern in these uncertain and desperate times. The Daily JabJab met up with Mr. Wind in a car park close to his home in Gosport one night to speak with him.

“Sorry about this, I’m avoiding the wife at the moment. She caught me putting her precious heirlooms on eBay, and found some more photos of her sister on the toilet underneath the bed. Anyway, I reckon due to my current state of affairs weighing on my mind, I must’ve conjured up the solution to my main problem. I’m up to my ears in debt, I know I don’t need over 2,000 copies of Under Siege on DVD, but it’s my favourite film. She doesn’t understand. But I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one with local loan sharks phoning up at all hours and getting threatened with military grade weaponry. And when I think about it now, it sounds silly that no one else – least of all the political parties – has thought of this. Just print more money. Ridiculously easy solution that would benefit everyone.”

I asked whether he considered how this plan could possibly be implemented, as there would be a lot of factors to consider. Before he could answer, Mr. Wind suddenly became aware of what looked like a gang of burly men get out of a car at the other end of the car park. He tells me they’ve found him. He didn’t know how but they’ve found him. He ran off when they started shouting obscenities and throwing half-bricks. In the interests of journalistic integrity, I decided to follow him. After about 40 minutes of leaping through back gardens and abandoned warehouses, we finally lost them. Mr. Wind got his breath back – his Wind, if you will – and agreed to continue the interview.

“Listen, it’s as easy as pie. Everyone would get an extra grand a week. Man, woman, child, whoever. You’d just have to employ enough printers to keep up with the demand. Plus, you’d have to get more posties as they’d have to deliver the money in brown envelopes through every door in the land. It’d be our civic duty to join together and wipe out debt once and for all. You know it makes sense.”

I pressed on certain points that he made, but the hard facts and figures didn’t deter his enthusiasm. We agreed that I should get in touch with the political leaders and ask for their views. A spokesman for the Conservative Party emailed me back stating that, “Mr. Johnson is bally well flabbergasted to find the solution so simple”, and offered Mr. Wind the job of putting this plan together. At the time of writing I have yet to get responses from the other parties. When telling Mr. Wind of the details from the Tories, he just laughed.

“I don’t vote for any of ‘em. It’s obvious that they’re the ones getting paid handsomely, yet it’s me coming up with the answers. I’m winding down my five-year career as a backstreet balloonist, and then I’m gonna have a word with a few people in the print trade and sort this out myself. I know it’s illegal, but I’ll soon be too powerful to take down, the cops and lawyers will be coining it in themselves. Everyone has a price.”

We end the interview there. Wind asks me for taxi fare as he’s unsure of where he is due to all the running earlier.

FROZEN III BREAKING NEWS!

[I originally uploaded this story on 01/01/20, putting it on a separate page so it’s more visible or something. Dunno.]

The sequel to the Disney animation Frozen is still wowing audiences in the cinemas, but this isn’t stopping a big cheese at the company from fast-tracking a third film in the franchise. And the news is that it will be coming out much quicker than you think!

Top Disney bigwig Rudiger Bort believes his company made a mistake in taking too long getting the second film out. The Daily JabJab sat down with Mr Bort as he explains his plan.

RB: “It’s obvious now, with the money made from this sequel – coupled with all the merchandise – that we should really be on film number six or seven by now. We’ve only made two films’ worth of money, not six or seven. And that makes me sad. I came up with an idea. We finished post-production on the second film a couple of days early, so I asked a few of the animators if they wouldn’t mind making a third film in the remaining time. They listed a few points as to why it’d be impossible, but were up for a challenge. After a 20 minute conversation, a story had been concocted, and they set about fast-tracking the third Frozen film.”

TDJJ: “Wow, so many questions right now. Even with your company’s resources, how is this even possible?”

RB: “Well, obviously time was of the essence, so there was a bit of scaling back involved. Fans shouldn’t worry, all their favourite characters are in this film – Anna, the blonde one, the prince and the others all feature.”

TDJJ: “What’s the story about? I’m guessing it follows on from the second movie.”

RB: “Kind of. We couldn’t really think of anything in the conversation, so we decided the film’s story should just be about them painting a fence.”

TDJJ: “I’m not sure– how long is this film?”

RB: “It’s 94 minutes long. I don’t want to spoil things, but there’s a new bad guy, Lord Snake Metaphor of Clipart Town, and he orders the characters to paint his really big fence. He gives them a 90 minute deadline.”

TDJJ: “Are there any new songs to rival Let It Go?”

RB: “Again, we didn’t have time to write any new songs, plus we couldn’t get that woman back [Idina Menzel] to sing it again for this new film. I do all the voices in this one, and this time they all sing Let It Go separately, to space things out a bit. Also, we saved a lot of time in animating by only showing the back of their heads.”

TDJJ: “And how’s the toy line coming, given that you’ve not given yourselves a lot of time to market this third film?”

RB: “Well, we’ve re-stickered a lot of existing toys, they’re all pretty much wearing the same stuff in this new one. The big news is that we’ve teamed up with local DIY stores to provide wooden fences similar to what’s in the film. The scaling’s a bit off when compared to the character figures, but kids’ll get the idea, they’ll buy anything Frozen.”

TDJJ: “What are the future plans for the series?”

RB: “I reckon we could more within a similar timescale. It’s usually expensive to make these types of films, which has a knock on effect at the back end of things. After watching the three animators on this project, I reckon I’ll be able to continue this franchise in my bedroom on hooky software to save even more cash. Kids’ve got more money than sense. In terms of possible storylines, let’s just say they might be in space at some point. Now if you don’t mind getting out of my office, I want to spend the rest of the day throwing all these $100 dollar bills in the air while laughing.”

TDJJ: “Thanks for your time.”

This new film has already had a secret screening, to the wife and child of one of the animators. I spoke with them after they came out of the screen.

TDJJ:”What do you think of this new film?”

Wife: “Erm, to be honest we wanted to leave after about five minutes, but was told we weren’t allowed. Was a bit boring, just painting a fence. Plus, they had different voices for some reason, and none of them knew the full songs, filling in the gaps with mumbling.”

Frozen III: Painting a Fence is released world wide in two days.

FORMER FRIDGE MAGNET MAGNATE LIFE IN TATTERS FOLLOWING CALLOUS TV EXECUTIVE DECISION

Former fridge magnet entrepreneur Ronald Sustained had his life long dream of appearing on ITV’s Love Island programme cruelly taken from him, as he was told that he didn’t fit the bill in what was expected of contestants. The larger than life 58-year old received the Earth shattering news via text one morning. In fact he decided beforehand to sell his beachside stall selling fridge magnets, a business he built from the ground up since high school, in preparation of the untold riches he would get when he became a celebrity. Now he’s found out that the buyer is unwilling to sell the stall back, and Mr. Sustained is suffering sleepless nights also worrying how to pay off the large shipment of t-shirts he had printed specially for his planned fame. TDJJ met him outside a chip van close to his former place of work for an interview, and to foot the bill for dinner. £6 for a fish!

TDJJ: “How are you holding up right now? Everything’s happened quite close together hasn’t it?”

RS: “It feels like a bad dream, as though someone’s playing a cruel trick, but I can’t figure out why. I can’t do anything with these t-shirts now, I bought them off Unstable Sid, and he never gives refunds out. Oh yeah, and this morning the missus left me for him over the road.”

This reporter’s eyes look over and spots a stall similar to the one Mr. Sustained used to manage – Objection’s Objects. It took a few moments to realise that his situation has gotten even worse.

TDJJ: “She left you for Colin Objection? But he’s the one who’s not selling your stall back to you. How could she?

RS: “His stall is bigger – postcards, imitation Star Wars figures, the lot. Now he’s branched out into fridge magnets, she’s attracted to success. She left this morning, minutes after I read out the text. Plus she said she didn’t like me when I watched the programme, said I got too animated when the women were on.”

TDJJ: “Are you going to get back in touch with the TV executive?”

RS: “I’m going to do better than that. I know someone who knows a bit about legal stuff. I can get them for dessication.”

TDJJ: “Do you mean discrimination?”

RS: “What did I say?”

TDJJ: “Dessication. It’s something to do with coconuts.”

RS: “Yeah, maybe. I know from watching it, it’s all young people in their 20s. I just thought, in these times of… equality, they’d allow someone like me on there to mix it up a bit. Late 50s, a decent amount of teeth left, dynamic fashion sense, never without aftershave. I know I may have put on a few pounds since high school, but it’s all character, isn’t it? Plus the women look ace in bikinis. I reckon I’ve got a chance seeing as they’re a bit simple. Still got the old Sustained charm.”

TDJJ: “So what’s you’re next move then. Have you spoken to your bank or any debt advisors? Legally speaking, Mr. Objection doesn’t have to sell back to you, and Unstable Sid doesn’t sound like anyone you should be messing with. It can get expensive.”

RS: “Fridge magnets are all I know, cash in hand no need to bother with banks. I can’t see myself getting another job. I looked in that pound shop as they’re hiring. It looks so bewildering – fridge magnets are just a little bit of what they do. How much cash have you got?”

TDJJ: “Erm, not as much I had anticipated after here, the prices! Sorry could only get one lot of peas.”

RS: “It’s all right. I guess I’m gonna have to start busking again, probably full time. I tend to busk on and off to help my income during winter periods. I do requests, all the latest hits. Can you let everyone know that the minimum spend is a fiver? Cheers for this.”

Mr. Sustained walks off with his fish, half peas and determination. He said he’d be singing near where the Go Kart place is, opposite the horses and carriages with hundreds of lights on each of them. He’s upped his price to £7.