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STUDENT FILM MAKER TO SEEK LEGAL ADVICE IF GOVERNMENT CONTINUE TO IGNORE HIS REQUEST FOR POTENTIAL LOST EARNINGS

By Resident Amateur Videographer Martinez Scorsesio

The world’s economy is being shook to its very foundations because of the lock downs imposed in many countries, and by extension there’s countless millions of workers at all levels in pretty much every sector worrying about their livelihoods. The timing of the lock downs have also played a part in the education systems in many countries, with reports of the courses being disrupted and even exams cancelled. A student from St. Mishima University in Kettering, Jason Quotingdog, saw his film making course end abruptly, and was told he was to get a grade lower than he wanted, using an average on the grades he got for his other projects. He planned to make a short film based on a script he written for his final project, which was itself based on a feature length script he wrote earlier on in the year. He had every intention of sending this feature length script to various big production companies with a view to star and direct in himself – and get well paid for it – but his dreams have been shattered due to the virus outbreak. Now, Mr Quotingdog has been waiting a few weeks now after writing to the government for compensation, and is getting increasingly frustrated with getting no response. I interviewed Mr Quotingdog in his makeshift office which is really his bedroom, to find out his next steps.

TDJJ: “After reading your story, Mr Quotingdog, I’ve struggled to work out how you can justify the money you’re asking for. You mentioned that you were in “advanced talks” with a few companies about your script, but that’s all it was. Was there any contracts signed or anything?”

JQ: “No, it was just talking. But they were being sold on the premise of my script. It had so much potential.”

TDJJ: “Can you explain your story idea?”

JQ: “Okay, the script is for the third film in the Under Siege series. Full title: Under Siege 3: Knife To See You. I play a younger Steven Seagal, who played Casey Jones in the earlier films. It’s a prequel and a sequel as I planned to get Mr Seagal back. I’ve written in younger versions of Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey as well. I don’t want to spoil anything, but it’s about me saving lots of people from evil in one of those massive cargo helicopters. I wrote in Scarlett Johansson and Margot Robbie as my love interests. It’s going to be an 18.”

TDJJ: “What parts of this were you going to make for your university project as a short film?”

JQ: “Well, it was going to be more of an extended trailer for Under Siege 3. I obviously don’t have the budget I expected for the feature length version, so gone were CGI shots of massive cargo helicopters fighting, and I wouldn’t have been able to get hold of glamorous women actors. But I’m not choosy to be honest. There was to be more compromises, but the general idea of me saving people from evil would’ve still been the main gist of the film.”

TDJJ: “What was the proposed budget for Under Siege 3, and how did you work out the £3 million wages for yourself?”

JQ: “It’s a bit complicated, to be honest. I don’t know the exact rate for the women, $15 million each? Not sure what that works out in pounds. Plus, CGI and shit like that. I hadn’t actually worked it out properly, but whatever it would end up being, I’d definitely been able to make a huge profit because the story’s proper exciting. My three million quid would be a million for writing, a million for directing, and one for being the main actor. So that’s why I’ve asked for that much. Scarlett and Margot are already loaded, so they probably won’t contact their government like me. But I’ve got legal fees to pay, for other things which I can’t go into.”

TDJJ: “So it’s been three weeks since you sent your request. How long are you prepared to wait before you seek further legal advice? Would you consider settling for less money?”

JQ: “I know the circumstances are proving to be difficult for most people financially, and there seems to be a very long waiting list for anything you do nowadays. But it’s been three weeks. I understand there was no guarantee of money and no contracts were signed, but surely you see the potential of Under Siege 3, how much money it would make in the cinemas. Three million ain’t shit. Plus I want my steamy threesome!”

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FOOD AND DRINK SHORTAGES IN SHOPS LINKED WITH UPTURN IN OTHER UNEXPECTED SALES

By Ersatz Hairpiece Correspondent Carl Spectacles

There’s been issues with the stock level of food, drink and toiletries even before the lock downs in the UK and beyond came into effect. Things improved a little once limits on certain items were put in place, and generally everyone was able to more or less get what they wanted. Unless you wanted toilet roll or beans. In the last couple of days though, there’s been reports of stocking issues once again, and one man reckons he knows why it’s happening once more. 61 year old Marcel Trappedinbox, who runs an online joke shop from his shed in Shepshed, has seen his sales skyrocket since the lock down, particularly with the increase again of stock shortages. He’s in numerous groups on Facebook for people in his line of trade, and he says his theory and sales figures are backed up with fellow managers across the world. I interviewed Mr Trappedinbox to find out why he feels his business is booming right now.

TDJJ: “Mr Trappedinbox, why do you feel the joke shop industry’s boom is linked to the seemingly constant issues with shortages in food shops?”

MT: “I just want to stress that it isn’t just joke shops making decent money during this time. Basically anywhere you can buy clothes and uniforms from. What I reckon is that since there’s been limits on buying stock, people have been going back in the shops with disguises on, so as not to arouse suspicion. This has got to be the reason for both changes. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it.”

TDJJ: “So, has it been mainly the costumes that have been selling at an unprecedented rate? Which have been the most popular?”

MT: “It’s not really the costumes that have made a big impression on profits. It’s more your fake beards and wigs, more convincing disguises for repeated shop visits. I think going to the supermarket dressed as Darth Vader would be too much of a distraction.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, I can see how false facial hair is a bit more discreet, would probably work better. When did you first hear about this happening?”

MT: “I’m good friends with the manager of the Sainsburys in Shepshed. He said it’s been ridiculous, the lengths that some people have gone to, just so they can abuse the system and get more beans. When he caught a couple with pink wigs and beards on he knew something was going on. He got in touch with me, as the labels on the hilarious goods had my company logo on it. That was the first time I knew my products were involved.”

TDJJ: “How did this make you feel?”

MT: “Well, I like profits, and in times like this I’ll take anything coming my way. People should be able to do whatever they want with the stuff they buy from me. I don’t appreciate the cops knocking on at all hours.”

TDJJ: “The police are involved?”

MT: “Yeah, and it’s not just me. I’ve heard other people who sell similar stuff to me. I wouldn’t mind, but the costumes I sell are obviously too sexy to be confused with real ones, how many pimps and hos do they think live in one area? How are they fooling the staff? It’s like it’s Halloween or something.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, it does sound a bit silly. So what did the police do?

MT: “They just told me what they suspected was going on. I played dumb about it, they must know that it’s got nothing to do with me, including the toy guns I sell.”

TDJJ: “Guns?”

MT: “Apparently, there’s been a tense few standoffs and armed robberies with people using them. To be fair, they look proper real. Only cost me £20 for a massive box. I was told they’d been rejected by actual warlords in Africa, that’s why they were so cheap, misfire now and again. £15 each a go I’ve been selling them, lovely stuff.”

TDJJ: “Do you see an end to the upturn in your sales any time soon?”

MT: “I do think more shops are getting wise to what’s going on. Listen, if people want too many tins and bog roll, let them. It should be a free country. If people want to buy too many bottles of fake blood and medical outfits for inappropriate parties, I’m not going to stand in their way. I’m saving for another yacht.”

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DLC PATCH FOR GRAND THEFT AUTO V CREATED TO REFLECT CURRENT REAL WORLD SITUATION

By Resident Video Games Expert William Miner

With many countries still in full lock down, many people are finding it increasingly difficult to keep boredom away. Hardcore gamers everywhere have been unaffected, though, and are actually wanting this period to continue, as many of them are getting paid by the government for not going into work. However, there’s been a growing community of fans who’ve been asking the various game developers to create content for the existing games that reflect how non-gamers are having to go about their business in the lock down. Rockstar Games, the developers of Grand Theft Auto V, have been the first to respond, and have just developed a huge DLC patch that alters the game game enough to allow players experience these lock down rules. I interviewed Hamish McSanta, lead programmer behind it all, to find out what the DLC entails.

TDJJ: “Mr McSanta, how important was it for Rockstar North to be one of the first companies to respond to these communities?”

HMcS: “We pride ourselves in how we communicate with our fans. They’re the ones who effectively pay our wages, and helpfully fill our message boards with their concerns about the various gameplay elements and childish name calling. So when we found out about this particular community that form, we felt it was right to start work on something.”

TDJJ: “When did you realise it was going to be the massive undertaking that it became?”

HMcS: “We thought it was going to be relatively straight forward, just take most cars and people off the streets. But then we realised it wasn’t just about reducing the these due to the lock down measures. We found that there was an added level of paranoia and fear towards other people in real life. Not many people know who’s got the virus, or had it already, or who’s more vulnerable because of it. Yes, the vulnerable should be self-isolating, but due to reports of some not heeding this advice, we felt we had to include these types of people in the game. So while there’s less people going around in the game’s streets, we had to alter the AI of everyone to reflect the general mood of the world. This took the longest time in development.”

TDJJ: “So I’m guessing this affects a lot of the existing missions then?”

HMcS: “It does yes, with all the social distancing measures as well. We’ve decided who’s self-isolating and who isn’t, so therefore a lot of the locations to find these people, and the ensuing fights and dialogue have changed. This in turn has made it more trickier in a way, added a lot to the gameplay.”

TDJJ: “Can characters get the virus as you play the game?”

HmcS: “Yes, and we’ve added mechanics to the game so you can find out if and when you get it, based on real world methods. But remember, you can still loot shops and hit people, so for the instances where you need to be a particular character, you can threaten doctors and that to help you with temporary anecdotes. Though I must stress that you must not do this in real life. The NHS are doing a great job in such awful circumstances. They won’t appreciate anyone kidnapping any of their staff like you would in the game.”

TDJJ: “Expanding on this, do you feel any enterprising gamer out there could perhaps find ways how to improve this situation in the real world?”

HMcS: “Possibly. I believe our game is comprehensive and has a big enough world of possibilities out there. Sure, there are many, many ways in which you can kill a hooker, but conversely, there might be as many ways to save her as well. These might not be as funny or entertaining, but I’m sure there are those out there with altruistic intentions. But probably not many.”

TDJJ: “And are there any missions that have been solely been developed with the virus in mind?”

HmcS: “Yeah. Apart from the alterations mentioned previously, for example, we’ve added one where you have to establish a fake side business where you extort money from people by saying you’ve got an antidote which, when coupled with the virus, gives the infected super strength, and other where you see how long you can send the police on a wild goose chase by going for a leisurely stroll in parks and other cordoned off council areas. Plus, there’s loads of side missions that involve queueing.”

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CHANGES TO SOAP OPERA PRODUCTIONS PROVE DIVISIVE BUT NECESSARY TO KEEP UP WITH REGULARITY

By Resident Repetitive Television Expert Barbara Scratchings

The world of TV and film production has ground to a virtual standstill – so long as you don’t count the news and cheaply produced daytime magazine shows – because of the real world events of the virus thing, and not many types of programming have been affected more than the soap operas. Most of the UK’s population love to tune in too many times a week to watch their favourite characters fight, argue and commit adultery, as a means of escaping the events of their own lives for half and hour. Longer if they watch more than one of them. But due to the rules of social distancing and so forth, the producers of these shows have put in place new ways of making sure they can still churn out enough footage for the week, while ensuring the cast and crew are kept safely away from each other’s germs. These new methods haven’t gone down very well with a lot of the stars, and there’s even been talk of a walkout. While the actors don’t want to disappoint fans waiting for their next fix, they feel they shouldn’t be working as acting isn’t classed as essential. Calls to just put cartoons on instead have been rejected. I interviewed Sean O’Connor, the Executive Producer of EastEnders, to find out more.

TDJJ: “Mr O’Connor, I don’t really follow the world of soap operas, so can you explain to people like me what the whole controversy is over?”

SO’C: “Well, we want to keep up producing four – I think – episodes of our show per week, but in order to do so, we’ve had to come up with new ways in order to film stuff because everyone is in their house now, and because of the rules involving social distancing etc, it’d be a logistical nightmare if we insisted the self-isolating stars come to the studio to film things. That’s why we’ve told the stars they must film themselves on their own phones and then send us the footage on an email, and we’ll do the rest.”

TDJJ: “That sounds easy enough, though I’m not too sure how it would match your existing locations on the show. Are you going to use CGI or something to sort this out?”

SO’C: “We simply wouldn’t have the budget or time, as much as we’d like to. It would make more sense and won’t confuse the viewers as much, but we felt this is the biggest area where we had to make the most compromises.”

TDJJ: “Have you advised the actors to film themselves in, say, a kitchen for all the kitchen scenes in the show?”

SO’C: “No, it takes them too long to set everything up in different rooms. All they need to do is sit on a stool and look into the camera and say their lines. And also have a sheet of paper taped up behind them with the location details written on, like when they’re supposed to be in the kitchen or pub, things like that. We considered using subtitles, but it takes ages on the computer to sort it out. We just don’t have the time.”

TDJJ: “I know there can be quite a few punch ups and illicit smooching on screen, they’re staples for these kinds of shows, so how are you going to do these bits if actors are unable to be in close proximity?”

SO’C: “In terms of kissing and other such things, we’ve asked the actors to copy what they do on Peep Show, which is just pretend to make out with the bottom corner of the camera. Provided the other actor does the same, it won’t look too weird. There’ll be a lot more guesswork when it comes to violence. All we’re asking everyone is to film themselves throwing punches and falling over in as many ways as possible, to give us options in the editing.”

TDJJ: “Since starting making the show in this way, did you encounter any problems which you didn’t anticipate?”

SO’C: “Yeah, I’d say the main one is real family members getting in on the act. When the actors are saying their lines and acting at their house, it’s seems to be that their children walk into shot and generally balls up the whole thing. We’re already on a very tight schedule, so after a short time we just decided to write them into the story. We don’t even give them any character traits, it doesn’t seem important.”

TDJJ: “So, despite these ongoing issues with the actors, do you feel this is the best way forward during these times?”

SO’C: “Yeah kind of. I mean, the new kids that we have to accommodate are annoying, they don’t do most of the stuff in the script. It’s not as though we’re asking them to recite a ten page soliloquy or anything, just a simple glass bottle to the head and some biting. You’d think any old child could do that, but no. Not when the camera’s running anyway. Maybe should’ve used sock puppets instead as advised.”

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RESOURCEFUL TRADESMAN HELPS NEIGHBOURS UNABLE TO LEAVE HOUSE, THOUGH GESTURE NOT ALWAYS WELCOMED

By Resident Charity Expert Cliff Lemmings

The current situation in the UK has brought out the best from most of the citizens all over the UK, with people helping their fellow man by treating them in hospital, kindly instructing them to head indoors when on non-essential errands, and showing them where the milk is in supermarkets. One person who doesn’t fit any of those examples, but has displayed just as much resourcefulness, is 56 year old disgraced builder Tom Worms. He’s been in the building trade for over 25 years, and was finishing off making an extension to his house when the lock down began. He never had the chance to order the five skips he needs to get rid of all the debris piled up in his back garden. With his van currently locked in a mechanics because it failed its MOT, and his bank account frozen because of some laundering activity, Mr Worms has had to rethink the rubbish removal. He found inspiration when he saw a news article recently showing someone delivering food to those unable to go out, and came up with his own idea to help people in a very similar way. I interviewed Mr Worms in his car as we make doorstep deliveries around his home town of Enniskillen in Northern Ireland, to find out why he feels his help has not always been welcome.

TDJJ: “Sorry, Mr Worms, can you go a bit slower? I feel these bags are going to tip over onto me, these are new trousers.”

TW: “I know it’s not ideal but there’s tons of this crap to get rid of. I need to go this fast so I can break the back of this job this week.”

TDJJ: “When you started dumping bags of your rubble on people’s doorsteps, did you anticipate this much hostility and ungratefulness?”

TW: “It took me by surprise to be honest. It’s free stuff! Surely because of the current circumstances you can’t just pick and choose what you get in life.”

TDJJ: “But people have pointed out that it’s just general rubbish and rubble in the bags.”

TW: “Yeah, they’ll have to sift through it sometimes to find the good stuff. Think of it like prospecting for gold. I can’t be certain about every bag having good stuff in there, but if there is, they should count themselves lucky.”

TDJJ: “So what do you tell people now after reports got out that you were going to throw all this stuff out anyway? People think you’re just dumping this stuff onto them because it’s easier.”

TW: “Well, a few things there. Firstly, there’s a saying that says one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Someone will always find use in something that others won’t. Law of averages. Again, beggars can’t be choosers. Secondly, It’s not easy at all to do this. I reckon I’ve got hundreds of shopping bags to sort out, load into my car carefully, many times, then drive round to place into people’s driveways. I defy anyone out there to find this easy. These people don’t know what they’re talking about.”

TDJJ: “How much truth is there in the stories of you blocking driveways and cars with large blocks of hardened concrete and heavy bags?”

TW: “This really irritates me. Yes, sometimes I have large blocks of stuff that can’t fit into shopping bags, or would be too heavy for them. So naturally I’ve just left them as they are. Plus, if you think about it, me blocking their cars is my favour to society. People shouldn’t be using their cars anyway for non-essential travel, that’s the rules as fas as I know. I’m helping to enforce that. What do people want? I’m going above and beyond unlike them. For all those doctors and nurses out here who I’ve apparently inconvenienced, there’s still buses you know? Just climb over.”

TDJJ: So, are you not concerned with the many complaints that have been sent to the government, regarding your many breaches in the laws and guidelines?”

TW: “The world’s gone mad. I am an honest worker helping others less fortunate than me. Sure, the stuff I’m giving to people is of no use to me. But isn’t that why people give to charity? I can’t personally think of a use for broken traffic lights or slightly crushed car engines, but I’m sure there are those out there who can.

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EDUCATION OFFICIALS CONCERN OVER CHILD LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT DURING CURRENT TIMES

By Resident Linguistics Expert Richard Shnary

Education organisations such as Kidz Talkz Goodz (KTG) and Learning Children Words Better (LCWB) have raised their fears over the development of the language that kids are now being taught as a result of the lock down. Parents in the UK, as well as across the whole world, have had to take on the role of teachers with hastily photocopied internet pages. But with a whole family now locked within their four walls, with little chance of escape from each other, the tempers between parents have already been tested to the limits. This has meant that children may have been subjected to certain levels of bad language and grown up name calling beyond their years, and these organisations are worried about any shift in the established development pattern which could potentially upset the balance in the classrooms once things get back to normal. I interviewed LCWB spokesperson Sandy Ravage, on how she feels this problem casts doubts on many aspects within the education system.

TDJJ: “Miss Ravage, I read the statements from both your organisation and KTG. They both paint a picture of a future where kids of all ages have developed a withering view of the opposite sex and lots of swearing at much younger ages than usual. How have you got to this conclusion?”

SR: “Well, we’re aware that schools gave the children a bunch of schoolwork to do at home, and have since emailed bits here and there. However, due to the conditions at home during this time, we’re hearing lots of reports about arguments often flaring up over the homework: how much to do per day?, what time of day is best?, what’s a verb? – these questions and more can raise the blood pressure of even the most timid of parents, and naturally these disagreements can often segue into arguments about failed sex habits and confessions of gambling away family savings. We’re concerned that the kids are not yet ready for the type of language and threats involved, no matter their age.”

TDJJ: “What are your views the increased usage of tablets, video games and streaming services which all have noisy and violent content on them?”

SR: “Obviously, they play a part in growing up, though they’re much more prevalent nowadays. When I was growing up, you had to know a cool uncle who’d show you video nasties and gangster rap, it was much harder to come by. Nowadays, kids could have Peppa Pig on one tab and Black Eyed Peas on the other on their iPhones. Parents are usually more lax during these perceived holiday times, so there’s a real danger here.”

TDJJ: “You mention when you grew up, watching things you shouldn’t etc. But in the main, we turned out alright didn’t we? I mean, I’ve got a job and have only had a few run ins with the law in the last year or so. Just a bit of larceny. Why do you think modern kids won’t be able to grow up and become just as stable as me?”

SR: “We’re currently living in unprecedented times, it’s been a shock to everyone. But you’d think that parents would’ve been able to adjust better to the situation than they have done, and kept the swearing and insults under their breath a bit more like they usually do. Kids are hearing actual grown up profanity, unfiltered, and definitely delivered in a way the no child is capable of. Kids will invariably copy all this, and when they go back to school, we predict they’d all have swearing ability above the recommended level. So, a four year old could be swearing at a level reserved for eight year olds. You go up the ages, and soon you’d see year 11 students being able to use sexist slurs and personal vendettas that would have been considered impossible before the imposed lock down.”

TDJJ: “Do you see all this affecting attitudes concerning their education as a result?”

SR: “Definitely, they go hand in hand. If kids get too cynical and world weary before their time, and start to judge the opposite sex as little more than verbal – and some times physical – punch bags, then it’s obvious that they’ll find little point in studying and revising. I mean, surely you can see this point? If a child mind gets filled with adult viewpoints, any innocence is lost, and they’ll question things a lot more if all you do is grow to resent your partner. That might sound fun to some people, but we want to hold off this reality until kids are old enough to understand a bit more. Grown up stuff can be complicated.”

TDJJ: “And finally, if all this goes the way you predict, do you see any way back for children? Do you think there’d be a new ‘normal’ when schools open again?”

SR: “This pandemic will change a lot of things in society, like a reduction in public heavy petting and queueing to go into supermarkets. Education will adjust with the times as well. I can see more swear words being invented, stronger that the current ones. Perhaps the f- and c- words will no longer have the shock value, and we could also see films being re-dubbed with these new words so they can maintain their rating. Exciting times ahead!”

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REFORMED CRIMINAL DRAWS UP RADICAL PLAN TO HELP PEOPLE RID VIRUS FROM THEIR POSSESSIONS

By Crime Correspondent Ron McClane

Former convict Kevin “Melts Stuff” Murtaugh has become a model citizen in his home village of Kegworth in Leicestershire since he was released from prison almost a year ago. The 63 year old was convicted of arson when it was proved he had burnt down a number of bookmakers in 2015. This crime mirrored several other instances where he was put away for burning down places where he owed money to, including a cake shop, earlier in his adult life. But ever since he was last released, Mr Murtaugh got himself a career working at an all night petrol station and hasn’t looked back, and his uplifting story made it to the local papers. He’s been able to keep his job during the lock down, but he’s all too aware of others not so fortunate, people not in essential roles like selling petrol, and he wanted to give something back. He started to think about how he could help these people, and believed he had found the answer. He took to his Facebook page and announced his plan, but he couldn’t believe that his – in his words – foolproof idea didn’t gain any positive response. I interviewed Mr Murtaugh in his petrol station during one of the many lulls in activity, to ask what he’s going to do next.

TDJJ: “Mr Murtaugh, I believe you came up with your plan while working a straight 24 hour shift a few days ago. Can you explain the thought process behind this radical sounding idea.”

KM: “Yeah, Eric didn’t turn up for his shift, didn’t phone or nothing, so I had to do his shift as well. I’ve got a pet fish, but you don’t have to feed everyday, so it wasn’t a big deal. I think I was just worried that because you can’t see the virus, it could be anywhere, even on your chairs, things like that. It might have been because I ate dozens of pasties to stop being bored that affected my mind, but I thought to myself, what kills everything? Fire. So my plan is to burn things for people what they think has the virus on. I got help making a Facebook page with my photo on and said my plan, but only a few people wrote back saying it was a bad idea and I should stop sending messages to them.”

TDJJ: “Did any of the people who responded knew who you were from the local papers?”

KM: “I think so, some of them. I was in the papers because I got a job selling petrol, and they said they’ve read about me. One person I think is foreign from America who told me it was dangerous to mess with fire. And there was a woman who ended up falling out with me about it.”

TDJJ: “Do you think they were concerned for you, worried that your plan will take you back to your criminal ways?”

KM: “I don’t know really, it’s hard to say. I know I’ve been in prison a few times for burning, but this time it’ll be for a good reason. I understand they might not be able to set fire to other people’s stuff themselves, it’s not for everyone. But it is for me!”

TDJJ: “But if no one wants any part of your proposed service, do you have any other plans to get support?”

KM: “I’ll make some videos of me setting things on fire, like a settee and a kettle, maybe even the broken mattress I found yesterday. Show everyone how easy it is for me to get rid of them with fire. People might not be able to understand what I’m asking until I do the videos. Instead of me telling them, this will actually show them how I do it.”

TDJJ: “How certain are you that if you still don’t get anywhere with this, you wouldn’t go ahead with your plans anyway? I’m aware of all your crimes involving arson.”

KM: “Thing is, that was just messing around back then. No one likes paying bills, and no one got hurt. It was all at night when no one was there. As long as I can still burn stuff at a low level, like a few chairs or an oven, then that’ll be enough I think if cops try to put me back in. Plus I don’t drive but I can still get cheap petrol to help the fires.”

TDJJ: “I read that your brother has been helping you since you came out of prison, and got you your first job and generally got you back on the straight and narrow. What does he feel about your plan?”

KM: “He knows about it, but it’s been a few weeks since we fell out about his wife’s dress. He’ll probably try to stop me. But fire is the only sure way to get rid of things. Ask someone like me who knows what they’re talking about.”

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EMPLOYEES AT PIZZA PLACE FORCED TO WORK FROM HOME DESPITE CONCERNS RAISED

By Resident Takeaway Expert Ronald Shake

The employees at Pizza Resistance in Garsington, Oxfordshire remained open throughout the lock down in the UK for deliveries only. It was only when one of the staff members started coughing a bit a few days ago when they made the decision yesterday that everyone should self-isolate as a result. But with one caveat: everyone will work from home and cook the food in their own kitchen. The owner of the business initially got a lot of overwhelming objection from his staff with valid questions and concerns. He didn’t shift from this decision though, insisting that there’s even more demand for their services during these times, and it would be foolish to suggest shutting up shop. Despite the reluctance, the staff are making the best out of a bad situation. I interviewed one of the sales assistants, Craig Rewind, to see how they’re getting on with their jobs in very inadequate circumstances.

TDJJ: “Mr Rewind, you’ve been the most vocal on your company’s rules for working at home. How have you been finding it?”

CR: “Not as fucking terrible as I feared, to be honest. My phone’s not stopped ringing with orders. We’ve all been assigned certain pizzas, and the calls come through accordingly. Thing is, we’re still doing up to 15” pizzas, and I’ve only got a regular sized oven.”

TDJJ: “Haven’t you been given access to any of your work ovens to help?”

CR: “No. I was told it was it was for insurance purposes, they’d have to stay in the shop.”

TDJJ: “How are you getting around this?”

CR: “It’s been awkward and time consuming. Basically I have to cook things in instalments, lots of reheating in microwaves etc. There’s a real balancing act. But there’s loads of them to make!”

TDJJ: “And does everyone else have the same sort of workload?”

CR: “I think so, apart from Fez. He’s just got to cut cakes up from the desserts menu.”

TDJJ: “So let me get this right: you get a call from someone wanting one of the pizzas you make, but they also want a pizza that one of your other colleagues make. Would that mean the order will be coming from two different houses? How do you sort that out from a logistical standpoint?”

CR: “A lot phoning up and texting. It’s never worked though, for the reasons you’d imagine.”

TDJJ: “What’s been your biggest challenge doing this?”

CR: “I think we’d all agree that it’s having enough ingredients.”

TDJJ: “Aren’t you using the stock from your business?”

CR: “We were told we’re not allowed. I ran out of chicken and peppers pretty quickly, during making the first order. I had to improvise. Everyone else is in the same boat.”

TDJJ: “How can you ‘improvise’ chicken? If you’re cooking pizzas up to 15”, that’s a lot of chicken.”

CR: “Literally ended up just writing “chicken” on some paper and taping it to a pizza base or a slice of bread with a bit of ketchup on. Same goes for the other flavours.”

TDJJ: “Seriously? Has everyone else been doing this as well?”

CR: “Pretty much. It’s the only way we can keep up with demand. Except Fez. Not sure what he’s using for the chocolate cake, but he’s still able to churn that out.”

TDJJ: “Has no one complained?”

CR: “You’d think they would have, wouldn’t you? I think during these desperate times, people just want to eat food they can’t make themselves without the bother of washing up and that. Plus, our original ingredients were the lowest of the low. We weren’t allowed to ask about the origin of the meat we used. It came in big shopping bags, loose. I remember eating a finished pizza back in the shop. I went blue for a bit. So, in a way, I think we’ve actually upgraded by using paper.”

TDJJ: “What does your manager think about all this? I’m guessing he knows what you‘ve all been doing.”

CR: “Bittersweet. He’s over the moon with the sales and profits, but annoyed with himself knowing that he could’ve just skipped on the imitation meat stuff he was buying from people in long overcoats in alleyways. He could’ve saved so much money and family members.”

TDJJ: “And if anyone out there fancies one of your pizzas, how do they get in touch?”

CR: “We have a delivery range of five miles radius from my house in Garsington. You’d have to look at Google maps or something to see how far away you are. I don’t have a driving licence myself, so I’m not great on the roads. Factor that in as well. We’ve got a website. I don’t know the number, I never called it anyway.”

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PORTLY TAXI DRIVER CREATES UNIRONIC YOUTUBE CHANNEL TO HELP BODYBUILDERS MAINTAIN GAINS

By Resident Fitness Guru Arnold Gamma

With the closure of most businesses and leisure centres due to the lock down in the UK and many other countries, organisers of this year’s Bodybuilding competitions fear having contestants looking like regular people, and not the ripped Adonises that usually take part. One hopeful contender, who has admitted he wouldn’t have been ready for this year’s contests, has decided to help out those who would be involved by making videos for them, to help them maintain their physiques throughout this time. Travis Glutes has been a taxi driver for over 20 years with various companies in and around Bristol, and has always dreamed of being a champion bodybuilder. However, numerous life choices has meant that he’s piled on a fair few pounds since he first dabbled with the sport a number of years ago. But since he volunteered to self-isolate a couple of weeks ago, he felt he needed to contribute something to the sport in his spare time, so fans like him don’t have to miss out on following the competitions. I interviewed Mr Glutes in his back garden, where he’s got some large electrical appliances and other heavy household items nearby, to ask how his YouTube channel is doing, and his reaction to the negativity from some commenters.

TDJJ: “Mr Glutes, you’ve certainly been busy on your channel lately, though I note that you haven’t kept to the schedules you had set out in your first video, and this seems to be one of the reasons you’re getting so much criticism. Do you feel that your viewers have a point with the broken promises?”

TG: “I can see why some might be a bit annoyed. To be honest I weren’t aware of so many people wanting to train to strict schedules. I usually did my workouts whenever, even as late as 2am sometimes, fuck it. Although I did state that I’d be doing a live stream at nine o’clock every morning, I realised I couldn’t get it working properly on the Monday, so just filmed it normally then uploaded it later in the day. The fucking earache I got! It was as though I was charging them for it or something. I actually did consider getting paid for this, but again couldn’t work out how to do it.”

TDJJ: “I like how you talk a lot about bodyweight exercises, and using objects around the house to help whenever possible. Gives the impression that anyone can do it. But these ideas haven’t caught on with your target audience, which are competition-level bodybuilders. Why do you think this has been the case?”

TG: “I don’t have the high tech gear that they’d be used to, but neither would they because everything’s shut. So surely they’d have to adapt and start lifting up broken chest freezers and 10 year old plasma TVs like me. I’ve also made a bench from part of a broken wooden pallet and have stolen some large tractor tyres in the night to pull around the garden. Most exercises can be done with just these simple things. I’ve shown this in the videos, proper easy to follow, even for a 59-year old taxi driver like me.”

TDJJ: “I know of the videos you’re talking about, but even these have negative comments on them, as you mostly just talk about how to do them, you don’t really do the exercises yourself. Not for long, anyway.”

TG: “That’s because I’m not able to do the recommended three sets of 10 on the particular exercises. There’s a couple I can do, for three or four reps. I was able to tip over my old, burnt settee about four times. But you’ve gotta think of the pros out there, they’d be able to do stuff better. As I said on one of the videos, I’m not quite ready for any contests this year, but watch out next year! I think me just talking about the exercises is easy enough to follow, you get the idea.”

TDJJ: “What about diet information? In one of your videos, you listed all the things you regularly ate and drank. I’m no nutritionist but I’m not sure your advice is going to help those preparing for contests.”

TG: “Okay, so here’s the thing. There’s a lot of diets out there that caters for whatever results you want to get out of weight training. The people competing in these events would be taking loads of supplements as well as normal food. But the shops they get this stuff from are all closed now. I personally subscribe to what’s know as dirty bulking. You eat and drink loads, get all your healthy carbs and sugars, tons of energy and that. It’s not for everyone, but in these times you have to improvise.”

TDJJ: “Are these supplements not available online?”

TG: “Maybe. But in this time of uncertainty and desperation, who’s got time for waiting for this stuff in the post? Supermarkets might sell the basics, but nothing specific enough. It’s much easier to just get a few boxes of frozen pizza and kebab supremes from the local pantry down the road. Energy drinks as well, obviously, but don’t drink more than five in a row like I did one time. Bowels were playing up something rotten for about a week solid. Not ideal when training like a pro.”

TDJJ: “Finally, do you have any advice for anyone out there wanting to become successful on YouTube, or maybe for someone who just wants to take up bodybuilding?”

TG: “Take it slow and keep your vomiting to a minimum. That’s advice for both points really. Unless you want to do videos about being sick. Dunno, there might be a market for it. It seems there’s a market for most things nowadays.”

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OXFORD MAN’S PLAN TO STUD PET DOG PROVES VERY PROFITABLE, THOUGH VENTURE FROWNED UPON BY SOME

By Business Correspondent Rex Bone

If you live in the village of Cumnor in Oxford, and you start to see dozens of St Bernard dogs roaming around the streets through your house windows while isolating, you’re advised not to panic. Local man Xavier Wheels has came up with a dubious plan for his male St Bernard, Schroeder, to be put out to stud to make more of them. Schroeder impregnated several female dogs of the same breed a few weeks ago and will be ready to give birth in the next week or so. Mr Wheels expects about 20 puppies all told, and was going to sell them on anyway. But due to the current self-isolation situation, he hatched a plan to make even MORE money from his breeding endeavours which he feels cannot fail because he’ll make too much cash to consider any potential issue. I interviewed Mr Wheels in his garage – with the sound of dogs going at it in the back garden – to find out more, and get his response to the criticism from some quarters.

XW: “They’re a bit noisy, aren’t they? Sorry about the smell.”

TDJJ: “Is everything okay out there? Not heard dogs doing it before, sounds a bit violent.”

XW: “Yeah don’t worry, Schroeder’s got a very physical technique. My son’s out there anyway, in case it gets a bit too fighty.”

TDJJ: “So, you’re expecting 20 puppies very soon, yet you want more because of the current circumstances. Can you explain to those who are unaware of this story, what your intentions are?”

XW: “Okay, well because of what’s going on right now, most people are afraid of simply going out to get the essentials from the shops. Perfectly understandable, certainly the ones who are getting on a bit. Now, everyone knows stories of St Bernards helping explorers on mountains and that, carrying whiskey in a small barrel around their neck. Well, I remember watching a few cartoons years ago about it anyway. So, I was thinking why not employ them in a similar way in this situation?”

TDJJ: “In what way exactly?”

XW: “Well, they’d go to the shops for them. All you’d have to do is put enough money and a shopping list in a container or something, put it around the dog’s neck, and instruct it to show it to the shopkeeper. And that’s it. You’d just have to guide the dog from your house to the shop once to orientate it. I’m sure they’d be fine.”

TDJJ: “Okay, so how are you going to deploy these dogs, once they’re here? Surely they’d be too small to shift shopping from supermarkets and other shops?”

XW: That’s why I need more than 20 dogs, we’ll need teams of them. Schroeder’s working overtime out there. He’s tired but we’ve got a routine going, which I’ve already gone on record to say no comment when asked what the strategy is. This only thing I’ll say is we’ll be using similar methods that are used to strengthen babies by putting weights on the puppy’s legs etc.”

TDJJ: “And it’s just female St Bernards he’s doing?”

XW: “Yeah, and no he’s not banging his own family, as has been the rumour, that’s not recommended because of various health issues. Similar to humans. A few other people I know have St Bernards completely unrelated to Schroeder so we’re using them.”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing you’re expecting this lock down to last a while?”

XW: “Who knows? I don’t want to sound selfish, but it’d be better if it was. I can shift more dogs then. Given the gestation time and that, we can’t mess around here. We’ve got certain ways to speed some of the processes, but again, I’m not prepared to divulge any more information.”

TDJJ: “Your pre-orders for puppies at £1,000 each sounds very reasonable, and your sales pitch has proven very successful, but do you see why some organisations and a lot of people on social media are throwing a lot of vitriol your way?”

XW: “Listen, I get a lot of people have now been forced to stop work, and are feeling uncertain about their finances as a result. I reckon there’s a lot of resentment for people like me who are still able to make a ton of money during this time. I come up with this great idea and all people can do is pick holes. A lot of jealousy. And these animal rights people are annoying as well. Dogs like sex too!”

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SELF-ISOLATION RULES, WARNINGS AND GET WELL MESSAGE WRITTEN IN LETTER FROM UNEXPECTED SOURCE

By Resident Unhinged William Shatner Fan Sebastian Stab

A mysterious letter has recently turned up at an Illinois psychiatrist’s house, crudely packaged within a large brown envelope. The psychiatrist, Dr Samuel Loomis, only needed a few seconds to realise who it was from, as he recognised the child-like writing on the parcel. He opened it up and read the letter in trepidation, and his initial response was one of surprise, as it was a very clear message about the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, and the recipient was also aware of the current lock down situation, urging people to stay safe. Dr Loomis’s surprise turned to fear. He knew the letter came from his patient Michael Myers, and knew he had to spread the word about it, but he didn’t know how he was able to send it from where he’s being held, Smith’s Grove Sanitarium. He had so many questions and fears, so initially went to the cops about it, but was told it must have been from a deranged fan of Michael. He then turned to me for help, so I swam to Illinois (again, due to the restrictions on flights etc) to interview him in his office.

TDJJ: “Dr Loomis, I read your story, and how the local police have just brushed this off. What makes you certain that the letter is genuinely from Michael Myers?”

SL: “The writing is like a child’s writing. Michael wouldn’t have been allowed a pen and some paper for many years. He can make anything a weapon. So he’s not been able to improve his writing since he was six. There’s errors in the spelling, grammar and very messy all over. All this points to the recipient to be pure evil and unable to write correspondence properly.”

TDJJ: “I read the letter when it got published in the local press, and it looks genuine enough in my eyes. Since it was printed, have you had any new responses from the police?”

SL: “No, the fools. They don’t want to hear his name again, after all he’s did to this place. They want to see him buried! But Michael’s insidious intent is there in his childish writing for all to see. He’s planning an escape!”

TDJJ: “Do you think so? He sounds genuinely concerned about what’s going on outside his walls.”

SL: “Not likely. He’s more concerned about it getting into the Sanitarium, affecting his chances of wreaking more havoc on this town once again.”

TDJJ: “How do you think he got the letter to you?”

SL: “Only he knows. I didn’t think they’d even have a postal service available for those types of people in there.”

TDJJ: “But thinking about it, just the notion of Michael showing emotion regarding the events outside his walls in the tone of his letter, can be seen as progress in his cognitive development, surely?”

SL: “He’s using this situation for his own preservation. The reason he wants people to stay safe indoors is so he can finish them off on Halloween night, at least the ones who live in Haddonfield and surrounding areas. That’s his M.O.”

TDJJ: “Have you heard from Laurie since this letter was published?”

SL: “I haven’t yet. I don’t know where she lives. She’s probably self-isolating somewhere and tooling up waiting for HIM to come home.”

TDJJ: “Well, April’s here now, which means Halloween is still months away. Do you think there’s any chance of Michael fooling everyone and escaping early?”

SL: “Yes, I’m aware it’s April Fools Day, and though Michael seems to like some traditions, there’s no evidence of him celebrating this particular date.”

TDJJ: “So what’s your next move?”

SL: “I remain vigilant. I’ll phone the cops again, but will give it a few days. I’m left on hold for ages, which I guess is understandable right now. All going well, by the time Halloween is upon us, they’ll have the resources to deal with Michael when he inevitably breaks out and heads back home to kill again.”

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CAPCOM TO RELEASE NEW VERSION OF ONE OF THEIR CLASSIC GAMES IN RESPONSE TO GLOBAL FRUSTRATION

By Video Game Correspondent Balrog “Eight” Strongbow

Japanese video game developer Capcom have announced yet another version of their classic game Street Fighter II, in direct response to the scenes and comments witnessed around the world. Ever since the lock down in many countries due to the pandemic, pub regulars have become increasingly frustrated that their nights are no longer ending in uncoordinated brawls. The NHS in the UK, for example, are happy with the reduction of violent drunks ending up in hospitals up and down the land as a result, but the disappointment amongst drinkers have been felt around the world, and a senior designer at Capcom came up with an idea that could appease these drinkers. Renon Stimpazi, the designer, put forward his proposal for a new version of Street Fighter II for all current consoles, PC and mobile, but with a twist that will surely resonate with all alcohol-loving adults. I swam to Japan – as it’s currently prohibited to travel there by plane or boat – and spoke with Stimpazi san in his office, to get more information on the game being created.

TDJJ: “Stimpazi san, thanks for allowing me to interview you about your game. You won’t tell any government officials about my presence will you? It’s kind of a grey area, I don’t know if I qualify as part of the media.”

RS: “Ha, I won’t no problem. It’ll be good to talk about the game to someone outside Japan, to spread the word about Pub Fighter II.”

TDJJ: “Pub fighter II?”

RS: “Yes. My goal is to take one of our most beloved games and adapt it for those who are missing out on their nightly ritual due to the pubs closing. This is a global issue, and we at Capcom want to do our bit.”

TDJJ: “Is this new version going to have different characters, or the established ones from SFII?”

RS: “Okay, so when I came up with the initial idea, I knew one of the main reasons people love that game is the character roster, so I felt it’s be foolish to get rid of them. They’ve all had a complete redesign: they have less muscle definition and some have pot bellies, some get more red in the face when throwing punches etc, while others throw up if they try to pull off a combo or get hit to the ground. Dhalsim can’t even do anything apart from swinging wildly with his punches, forget about stretchy limbs and Yoga Flames!”

TDJJ: “So you’re aiming for people to play this game as a viable alternative, to appease their longing for fighting all pissed up? Sounds interesting. Given the character redesigns you mention, as well as the reduced move set, what gameplay tweaks, if any, have you implemented?”

RS: “The game will be designed with the system controllers accordingly, but what will be universal is there’s going to be a slight lag in the button responses, and also the directions will change randomly from time to time, so if you press right to go forward, you might jump or something. Some characters will be more prone to stopping to catch a breather and throwing up, but it’ll be balanced with a bigger health bar, as when you’re drunk, you don’t tend to feel pain as much. We’ve studied how alcohol affects different people, so you could imagine Zangief could put away more beers than, say, Cammy. So it’s all be relative. Zangief by the way is a happy drunk, while Guile can get a bit too rowdy. So many interesting match ups now.”

TDJJ: “Have you retained the graphical style of the original game?”

RS: “Yeah, pretty much. We understand fans love the classic look. All we’ve done is changed the backgrounds to replicate the insides of various pubs, bars and nightclubs. There’s even a couple of stages where you can throw someone out of a window and continue on the street. One of the things we’ve enhanced gameplay wise is that a girlfriend of one of the characters can fruitlessly get involved and shriek at the top of their voice depending on the context of the fight. You can knock her out for extra points, though I’m thinking we may have to amend it if we get criticism for including this mechanic. But it’s only a game.”

TDJJ: “And finally, when is this going to be released, and is it going to be a physical or digital release?”

RS: “Given the situation in so many countries, the uncertainty of the duration of the lock downs, we’ve decided to make it a digital download. We’re just securing some copyrights for advertising various lagers and spirits in the game, but we feel it could be ready in about two weeks. We haven’t ruled out DLC either, further down the line. We’ve got an idea for a scrolling beat ‘em up set during a pub crawl and various other drinking games. Something for all the family!”

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SUBSTANDARD COMEDY DUO FINALLY ARRESTED AFTER TRYING TO ENTERTAIN LOCAL RESIDENTS TO RAISE MOOD

By Resident Unfunny Fool Russell Leaves

A multitude of houseowners in the Barnet area were recently keeping the local police busy with regular complaints about a couple of annoying comedians irritating them day and night. The duo, who for some reason call themselves Prawn and Crackers, decided to try and cheer up the residents in and around where they live. They told police on several occasions that what they’re doing is essential because it’s entertaining people during this difficult time, but all the complainants have said while they don’t mind the sentiment, their material is just awful and only takes them 15 minutes to go through before they do it all again. And after five days, they were finally threatened enough to stop their infernal routine.

For those who don’t know, Prawn and Crackers have had no success in even getting a spot at a holiday resort or holiday cruise ship, so they feel by doing what they did will get them enough publicity to get them on TV. I interviewed Crackers – who tells me his real name is Jonny Condom – in the caravan which he shares with Prawn, to find out what the future holds for them. I asked him where Prawn was, and the most sensible answer he gave me was that he’s currently on the moon waiting for a phone call from an alien called Beans.

TDJJ: “How would you like me to refer to you in this interview?”

C: “Crackers. No, Sir Crackers.”

TDJJ: “Sir Crackers–”

C: “Haa you said it!”

TDJJ: “Okay we’re both grown men here. I’m all for zany and ‘random’, I just want to hear your views on a few things.”

C: “Is this going to be on TV?”

TDJJ: “No, there’s no cameras. So, can you please describe how you and Prawn got this idea to try and raise the spirits of your local community?”

C: “Well, me and Prawn have been working together for 20 years now, since high school, and although we’ve not been on TV, we still think we’ve got what it takes to be funny and entertaining. The virus thing has upset everyone, so we thought we’d do our bit and we came up with loads of hilarious things to make people laugh and give us publicity.”

TDJJ: “How much of your act was actually original material?”

C: “What do you mean?”

TDJJ: “Well, according to a lot of reports, you used a lot of existing stuff from more successful comedians, and even have a five minute spot where you both repeat established catchphrases at the top of your voices.”

C: “Well what you’ve got to consider that we only had about a week or so to come up with stuff. It’s not as easy as you’d think. We worked all day every day on this before we started on the streets. We ultimately thought by padding our stuff with other people’s material was the right thing to do given the constraints.”

TDJJ: “How many times were you cautioned by the police?”

C: “Seven times I think. I lost count after six. See? Just thought of that now!”

TDJJ: “Right. And when you both assaulted that woman, what did the cops say to you that finally put a stop to everything?”

C: “That woman came out of nowhere to be honest. She was yelling at us at 3am because we apparently woke her kid up. I liked the look of her, and like the quick thinker I am, I set off on some impromptu sexist tirade. Thing is, I don’t think she realised I was doing a parody of the sexist comedians from the 70s. After a bit, me and Prawn were both in full flow with our comments and wondering hands. Again, it was a parody. But she didn’t see the funny side and basically the cops came and started laying the law down like some law laying law layers laying laws layers laying… Erm, so yeah.”

TDJJ: “Okay, and pending any criminal charges, how do you see the future for Prawn and Crackers?”

C: “It doesn’t matter if we get sent down or given community service, we’ll still be doing our side-splitting stuff, entertaining wherever we go. All this publicity will eventually lead to TV work, like we’d be asked to comment on badly behaved animals or something in front of a coloured background or on some celebrity programme about getting off with women. We can’t wait!”

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TEARFUL DAD NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO LETTING SON DOWN ON UPCOMING 16TH BIRTHDAY

By Crime Correspondent Bill Beatstreet

The ongoing lock down and related restrictions has affected everyone in the UK, and indeed around the world, with many people who have ‘non-essential’ jobs worrying if they’d have a job by the end of this ordeal. The potential state of the economy will be very much up in the air once a sense of normalcy is established, and even then there’d be quite a few industries and individuals which would struggle on for a lot longer. One such individual who is already feeling the pinch is 51 year old Marv Sassenfrassen, a career criminal who makes most of his fortune from robbing houses. He’s recently been released from prison, but is worried about his finances and his son’s birthday in a couple of weeks time because of the current lock down. I interviewed a clearly distraught Mr Sassenfrassen inside his modest, unfurnished flat, as he struggles to make sense of the circumstances.

TDJJ: “Mr Sassenfrassen, given the situation the UK is in, a lot of people have adapted their way of living and working the best way they can during this crisis. Have you considered any alternative ways of earning a living?”

MS: “This is all I know, I ain’t got a decent education. Who’d hire me anyway, with my record? Robbing’s what I’m best at. I’ve only been in prison a handful of times mainly because of it. I know people who’ve been in loads more. I’ve tried my hand at underground boxing, but it doesn’t pay the bills does it?”

TDJJ: “I don’t know how it all works myself, but even with your past, would you not be able to claim any money just so you can get by?”

MS: “Don’t think so, I’ve got previous when it comes to fiddling finances. They won’t give people like me shit. Just because I’m not the best with money. Even though I’ve paid my dues several times, it’s as though they still me as untrustworthy! I feel I’ve got no choice but to go back to robbing shit again, but it’s gonna be almost impossible if everyone’s isolating and that. But what else can I do?”

TDJJ: “Have you thought about retraining at all? I know there’d be free resources online, or maybe people you could phone up to get advice.”

MS: “Not got a computer, was taken from me when I went inside a couple of years ago. I’m too long in the tooth to be learning owt new. Thing is, it’s not as though I could rob shops neither. No one’s about so I wouldn’t be able to lose myself into a crowd as usual.”

TDJJ: “And this has a knock-on effect for your plan for your son’s birthday.”

MS: “Yeah, he’s the real victim in all this. You’ve got to understand the history of the Sassenfrassen family history. Every son who reaches 16 goes out for the first time with his dad to steal as much has possible from houses. It’s a tradition that has passed on for the last 200 years in the family. I remember my 16th birthday doing this. I stole a carriage clock and a telephone. Ahh, humble beginnings.”

TDJJ: “So with everyone in their homes for the foreseeable future, I can see why you’re frustrated.”

MS: “It’s proper stressing me out! I don’t want to be the one who breaks this established tradition, but I feel powerless. It’s not fair.”

TDJJ: “Is there anything that we at The Daily JabJab can do for you?”

MS: “Well, if you want, you could ask everyone in the Telford area to message you with details of where they live and what dates/times they would be out of their house on a walk. I’d need a 30 minute window. Make it 40 so it gives us time to get to the place. In these times, we need to help one another through, it brings out the best in people.”

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NEW YOUTUBE CHANNEL DECLARED GREAT SUCCESS BY KIDS MISSING OUT ON SCHOOL LIFE

By Online Education Correspondent Leroy Catvideo

Prolific YouTubers Willy and Jilly Circle have created a separate channel that caters for kids all around the world to help reduce boredom during these times of lock down, and has amassed over 100,000 subscribers since they launched it just over a week ago. This new channel has overtaken their other channels on YouTube numbers-wise, with one channel focusing on paint and the other on varnish. Their approach with this new channel is to replicate school life as much as they can – with age appropriate content clearly stated on the video thumbnails – so kids don’t miss out on things during this time. But despite their success, some fellow YouTubers and even parents and teachers have come out to criticise them, saying they’re out of touch with how things actually are in modern day schools and education. So far, the Circles have refused to address this on their sites, but have allowed me to interview Willy to set the record straight.

TDJJ: “Mr Circle, can you explain in detail about the type of content on this channel, and who it’s aimed at, for those yet to have seen it?”

WC: “Our channel, Circle’z Skoolz Lifez, caters for kids of all ages who go to school, but are missing out due to the closures. We aim to fill in any gaps that they’re missing out on, which we’ve separated videos by age, and the content differs accordingly.”

TDJJ: “I’ve watched a few of the videos of the channel while researching, to see what the fuss has been about. I note the criticisms have been about a wide range of things.”

WC: “Yeah, we really don’t understand some of the stuff, like the quality of the backgrounds we’ve used sometimes. They were drawn by our 11 year old son. You can’t expect a perfect scale drawing of a classroom! A notable nit picking has been about us to using our children in the videos. I’m 55 and my wife is 22, we can’t possibly pass for 5 year olds, our videos for that age would be completely farcical. What do people want?”

TDJJ: “There’s a lot of swearing from your kids, as well as a lot of questionable behaviour aimed at high school pupils. I feel a lot of people have objected to this, that although you say the videos are educational and “age appropriate” a lot of commenters are questioning your parenting by allowing your kids doing all these things.”

WC: “We try to be a realistic as possible, get on the same level as the kids watching. It’s obvious that we must be doing something right, looking at the numbers we’re getting.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel that getting your kids to do these things will affect them in any way in the future? For example, your 12 year old daughter smoking?”

WC: “It was her idea, she said her friends have dabbled in smoking, that it’s cool and grown up. I’m sure people of all ages can remember when they were 12 and were pressured into having their first cig. They might be more expensive nowadays, but sneaking out with your friends for a quick fag is still seen as a key point in your childhood.”

TDJJ: “You highlight bullying quite a lot in your videos. Do you really believe it’s as widespread as you make out?”

WC: “We did a bit of research, we got stories from our kids and their friends. We may have taken a bit of dramatic licence here and there, but smaller kids still get their coats stolen and dicks are still drawn on their school books. Pushing down stairs and sending false love letters to popular girls that say they’re from the nerds also remain popular. It was a right laugh when we were filming some of these.”

TDJJ: “What do say in response to those who feel your videos, despite being popular with your target audience, don’t have any actual education in them?”

WC: “These people have obviously not been watching properly. Most of these videos have the first minute or so with a teacher – usually played by me – stood at the front of the classroom waffling on, then one of the kids interrupts me and craziness ensues. So in that opening minute, we try to cram in as much educational quality in that window.”

TDJJ: “So I’m guess you’re not going to close the channel? I’ve heard on the grapevine that YouTube themselves are looking into things.”

WC: “No, we feel we have a duty to help those kids out of their boredom. There’s too much sensitivity with parents and teachers now. I can’t possibly imagine their vision of schools, where kids go around sharing and not swearing at each other. Where did they go to school?”

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POLITICIANS OF ALL COLOURS DEEM CHANGES TO BOARD GAME RULES NECESSARY DURING THIS TIME OF ISOLATION

By Resident Mouse Trap Expert John “Jigsaw” Kramer

In times gone by, playing Monopoly with a bunch of children at Christmas time used to be an arduous task, as there’d be many random rule changes along the way because kids never want to lose. After a few hours of arguing, the board is finally put away in frustration, the crying and tantrums having taken their toll. You’d try again the following Christmas, but soon realise that nothing has changed despite your best efforts, even going so far as to explaining the rules before the game this time. And this becomes tradition. But now during this time of isolation, some politicians are actually encouraging this type of rule cheating, in order to prolong the games and stave off boredom and insanity. Whereas once you could defeat a child in minutes at Monopoly so long as the game is played properly and you don’t give less than 100%, you are now being urged to think creatively and allow everyone playing the chance to conjure up all kinds of unforeseen regulations. I interviewed a Media Strategist for the Lib Dems, Warren Drone, the one who first suggested the idea.

TDJJ: “Mr Drone, thanks for your time for this interview. I understand the need to push this idea through as soon as possible. What was your inspiration for this idea?”

WD: “Well, I was first thinking that everyone should be playing one of the many MMORGs [Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Games] available during this time, as they can consume most of your waking hours. And I’ve had a few missed days off work because of them, that’s how good they are. But then I realised that they only tend to cater for a certain demographic. What about the elderly, or girls? I then realised board games are much more universal, everyone can enjoy them, for half an hour or so.”

TDJJ: “You’ve just identified potentially the biggest problem there, that most of them can be played in their entirety in about 30 minutes. How would you possibly extend, say, a single game of hangman for a couple of hours? On average, people play three games of it before getting bored in under 10 minutes.”

WD: “Well, without thinking this through properly beforehand, I’d say choose really obscure place names or types of food, maybe deliberately spell them wrong as well. Also you could use a biology book and give the ‘man’ more body parts to draw each time there’s a wrong answer. Did you know there’s seven bones in the human neck alone?”

TDJJ: “I was unaware of that. I can see how this plan could work, and I guess you could throw in a few curve balls now and again as well. Perhaps the ‘man’ is a freak of nature and has a few extra undefined limbs as well.”

WD: “Yeah that’s the spirit. I raised this idea with a few of my colleagues, and even amongst rival parties, and the conversation soon became increasingly hilarious, with each rule change more outlandish than the last. It was a great success. It was as though our political belief differences vanished while we were talking, and we believe this would extend to the family set up, no matter the political stance or views on racism between the generations.

TDJJ: “I’ve heard that some manufacturers of the board games have been in touch with you about this. What’s the general feedback like?”

WD: “They’re mostly furious. There’s been a lot of cease and desist letters. I’m not sure of the legalities behind what we’re asking people to do, that’s not my department. If you ask me, they need to wake up and smell the coffee. People are getting bored, maybe even the most bored they’ve ever been, they should be grateful that their game is being publicised this way. You never know, their board game could be better if the game take longer to play. I’ve always felt Cluedo needs to have more longevity to it, never liked that game.”

TDJJ: “How would you improve it?”

WD: “More of everything – murder weapons, characters, rooms. Also, if one of the character is found guilty, say it was someone else wearing a mask of that person. Or maybe they were getting bribed to do things because of debt. Really, the sky’s the limit with this. Scrabble with made up words is also a good time waster. Plus, there’s no point in arguing if everyone else is doing it. Winners all round!”

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FEARS GROW AS CERTAIN MEMBERS OF SOCIETY WILLING TO PURPOSEFULLY FLOUT SELF ISOLATION ADVICE

By Military Correspondent Ralph Ermey

A worrying amount of groups have recently been springing up on social media platforms aimed at women who are attracted to men in uniforms. Though this is nothing new, as firemen and doctors have always been popular amongst ladies, the growing concern is there’s going to be a massive disturbance to the lock down guidelines. The military will be helping out the police during these times by being on the street to break up and question anyone who’s in groups and not on essential errands. There’s been open discussions and plans on these groups regarding purposely going against these guidelines just so members can get close to these men in uniforms. I interviewed the moderator of the Facebook group Let’s Isolate With The Army Hunks, Michelle Pythagoras, as to her motivations behind her group.

TDJJ: “I note that you’re married, Mrs Pythagoras. Do you not feel your motivation for this group kind of undermines the relationship with your husband, and can put other people’s health at risk during this time of self isolation?”

MP: “No, because we plan to be arrested by the military and will then be kept in close proximity with them, and not have to spend any more time together with our useless husbands and partners.”

TDJJ: “So you’re going to actively resist the instructions to go home?”

MP: “Yes. And so will everyone else who’s been talking on all the other groups. We don’t get many opportunities of being close to men in army gear, especially with the prospect of being spoken to in stern voices unless in a mocking tone at hen parties, so I feel this has to happen for me and all those with partners in non-sexy uniformed jobs.”

TDJJ: “How many women do you think are going to do this?”

MP: “Well, we’ve got about 140 members in this group. There was only about 25 before this all kicked off. So all them. There’s bigger groups out there with the same plans, and these women are all over the UK, so I don’t think there’s going to be a shortage of army men in any particular area, it’s going to be spread out.”

TDJJ: “Is there any criteria to becoming a member of your group, and to participate in this plan?”

MP: “Not really, liking men in uniforms is universal, no matter the age or circumstances. I would prefer it if the women who are planning to do this have a background of being in a frustrating relationship with a feckless partner who can’t satisfy her needs if you know what I mean, but the group is open to any women really.”

TDJJ: “Does your husband know about this? What message would you give to those other women with partners?”

MP: “Yeah, he knows, and has voiced his concerns. But I’m sure if there was news of sexy women in bras on the streets, threatening to arrest them if they don’t go home, he and his perverted friends would do the same as us. They’ll all do it.”

TDJJ: “What safety precautions have you considered for this plan? I’m sure you know of the methods of the virus transmission.”

MP: “I’m not going to stop people if they want to wear masks, but they just need to consider the inconvenience of doing so once the heat gets turned up when close to the uniformed men, and the possibilities that will rise up, if you know what I mean.”

TDJJ: “What about those with children to look after, with no schools open and limited activities available? How would you explain your plans to them?”

MP: “Well, the partners can take over for once.”

TDJJ: “And finally, what is your response to the criticism you’ve received over this plan, and it’s not just men who have displayed their condemnation. You and every other moderator are under a lot of fire for this.”

MP: “Bring it on I say. Yeah, there’s a lot of people out there who just won’t get this. That’s fine. Listen, I’m not wanting to jeopardise anyone’s health, I’m not holding a gun to anyone’s head and forcing them to do this. My intention is to get like-minded women to consider how rare it is for this situation to be presented, to have so much military cock on tap.”

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UK TV CHANNEL TO DRASTICALLY CHANGE SCHEDULES IN ORDER TO HELP VIEWERS FEEL BETTER ABOUT SELVES

By Apocalypse Now Correspondent Marley Sheen

As daily news of the coronavirus pandemic is now in full swing, this has brought about a lot of fear throughout the world, especially with lock downs being put in place in many countries. The vast majority of the world are now indoors glued to the TV and internet for the latest news, and this situation sparked a solution inside the Head Of Programming for UK digital upstart TV Channel Clive, Clive Channel. He’s taken a leaf out of the type of popular “feel good” programmes which the more popular channels peddle out. His proposal for the rebranding of his channel has certainly raised eyebrows amongst his staff, but he’s adamant that this is the way forward in these troubling times. I interviewed Mr Channel in the empty canteen area in the channel’s HQ, which is actually his garage.

TDJJ: “Mr Channel I’ll be honest, I’ve never watched your channel before, but I know through research that you used to show a lot of old films on a loop which some would consider very racist nowadays. Would you say that your rebranding is also to do with the very low viewership as well?”

CC: “A little. Those films are really cheap to broadcast, for the reason you mention, and I’d like to go on record to say I don’t necessarily agree with a percentage of their content.”

TDJJ: “So you saw the current TV news landscape, and you’ve been quoted as saying you decided to become: ‘A kind of antidote for all the fear and panic that the media are pushing.’ What’s this antidote that you’ve come up with?”

CC: “Well, I’ve always been aware of other channels showing programmes that are made for people to laugh at other, less fortunate people, or ones about, say, some woman who’s been hoarding shit for years and now her house is full of it. I know these shows are made so people can feel good about themselves, that at least they’re not as poor or ugly or basically a complete fuck up like the ones in the shows. Using that logic, I decided that my channel should be full of films which revolve around zombie outbreaks or depicting a future where there’s only Charlton Heston or Will Smith left on Earth, because despite what’s happening in the real world, at least we’re not being turned into zombies or whatever.”

TDJJ: “Hmm, interesting way of looking at this. Do you feel, though, that some might see doing this is in poor taste?”

CC: “Not at all. I understand what’s currently going on, and appreciate how people want to do the right thing for the greater good. But I reckon there’s still a lot of people out there who would find solace in watching movie characters either turning into zombies or being eaten by them.”

TDJJ: “But do you feel the timing of showing these types of films right now is appropriate? I like them myself, but a lot might find zombie and post-apocalyptic films a bit close to home at the moment?”

CC: “No. Thing is, if you look down the history of horror and science fiction movies, they tended to reflect the politics and society in the years they were made. There was one point when the fear of the Russians were shown as hostile aliens on the big screen. Something like that anyway. Now is the right time to show these films, to put a positive spin on things. Plus zombies are fun.”

TDJJ: “Well, there are some bonafide classics out there. Which films can we look forward to? You mentioned Will Smith and Charlton Heston, so is I Am Legend and The Omega Man in the schedules?”

CC: “No, they’re a bit too expensive believe it or not. It’s mostly gonna be straight to DVD stuff, starring people who no one’s heard of. But they tend to go on about the end of the world and most have poorly designed zombies in. A load of Russian stuff which is ironic because of what I said earlier. Also, I filmed a zombie film with a bunch of mates a few years back, so I’ll have that on a kind of rotation.”

TDJJ: “Finally, if people would like to watch your channel, how do they go about it? I had trouble finding it myself.”

CC: “I’m not sure of the channel number. I think it depends what TV service you pay for, I can’t keep up. We have a website on Facebook as well, so if I can’t find it myself, I’ll look into uploading the films onto there. Not sure if the same legal things apply online or not. Leave me with it.”

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STOCKPILING ODD ITEMS ENABLES FORWARD-THINKING MAN HELP THOSE WISHING TO CONTINUE ILLICIT ACTIVITIES

By Resident Relationship Breakdown Expert Victor Warlike

One of the big issues in this current crisis has been the sheer amount of people stockpiling items from shops, notably toilet roll, hand gel, tinned goods etc. But one man has been buying up other specific items, based on lock down restrictions from other countries, which he feels he could benefit financially from. Recently-divorced Tim Dickorydock, 58, had been fired from his job at a local haberdashery store in Exeter. It happened before the outbreak reached the UK after an altercation with a customer over some yarn, and coupled with his tax-dodging past he is not able to get any cash from the government during this time. He didn’t let this affect his plan based on the prediction he made, and has ploughed his last £100 into his venture by buying up as many light coloured table cloths and bed sheets that he could before the stricter guidelines came in about excess buying habits. I interviewed Mr Dickorydock in his shed, where he has set up shop for his potential lucrative business, to see what his plans are.

TDJJ: “I can barely fit in this shed with you what with all these cloths and sheets. I can see you’ve got a sewing machine set up, but what’s this plan which you feel could benefit people like yourself during this lock down?”

TD: “It’s for something that’s close to my heart. When I was watching the news a while ago, and they started going on about lock downs in other countries and that, I thought: “What about those who sleep around?” There’s people who would have to stay indoors with the wife or partner all day, and those people would start getting all frustrated as they were unable to sneak off to their illegitimate lover or in my case lovers.”

TDJJ: “Erm, okay, but what are you making with all these sheets?”

TD: “Well, as everyone knows now, you can only leave your house for essential stuff, one of which is to going to work if you’re a doctor. My plan is to make loads of doctor costumes for those who want to continue their affairs throughout this difficult time. By wearing a doctors uniform, they won’t be questioned as they look like they’re on their way to work. Easy. Plus, the uniform would add more spice into the wrongful goings on.”

TDJJ: “How many of these uniforms are you looking to make?”

TD: “Why, do you want one?”

TDJJ: “Erm, it’ll be for one of my friends.”

TD: “Okay. Right now, I’m guessing I’ve got enough for about 30 uniforms. Once I shift these, I’ll be able to buy more table cloths and that, though with the current restrictions I’d have to be crafty about it.”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing your time working at the haberdashery store was good experience for this.”

TD: “Yeah, though I was more working on the till. I couldn’t do half the stuff the others could do. I can’t knit for shit. I saw others working on one of these sewing machines, it doesn’t look too difficult to use. Besides, doctors outfits should be easy to make, very simple design.”

TDJJ: “Is that sewing machine from your old work? Looks complicated.”

TD: “They gave it to me as a going away present, that’s how kind they are, even though I was let go for fighting over yarn.”

TDJJ: “So, how are you going to advertise these uniforms?”

TD: “There’s a few secret Facebook groups about married men who play away from home. I can’t give you the details, it goes against policy, but there’s a lot of interest in this sort of thing. I’ll post on these pages, should easily get rid of this lot. Then we’ll see!”

TDJJ: “Finally, what if this backfires and people see you profiteering during this tricky time, that using a medical disguise is in poor taste, and a health risk if one of the people involved are in the high risk categories?”

TD: “Firstly, I’d like to say that the doctors and nurses are doing a great job under such strained circumstances. It isn’t my intention to anger anyone by using fake doctor uniforms. It’s just that I can make uniforms for either doctors or supermarket staff. Doctor uniforms are hands down more sexier, you ask anyone.”

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FASHION RETAILER TO MOVE WITH CURRENT TIMES AND START ONLINE STREAMING SERVICE

By Resident Internet Guru Alan Wrongsize

With recent news in the UK that non-essential shops are to close, one retailer has decided to join the crowded market of video streaming services as a way to keep their business afloat. With tougher proposals now in place, and everyone now kept indoors except for essential things like getting the beers in, Colin Foulds-Lotts – the manager of Primark in Telford – has read about the upsurge in subscriptions of these services and wants to capitalize on this trend, as the stores face temporary closure. The proposal he showed to the big cheeses wasn’t successful, but he remains undeterred. I interviewed Mr Foulds-Lotts in his office during his dinner break one day, as he feels if the public react positively to his ideas, it will give his higher-ups no choice but to move forward in this odd direction for the retailer.

TDJJ: “Mr Foulds-Lotts, this is a radical move for the company, very different from your business model, but you feel this is a necessary move for the times. Why do you feel this would be a success?”

CF-L: “Well, we know everyone is probably already bored with being stuck in the house with family members, and there’s nothing entertaining outside any more, just walking the dog, picking up prescriptions or buying alcohol to somehow make the time go quicker. I became aware that streaming services were helping to reduce the arguments and fistfights in the household, and then I started writing possible ideas down for TV shows if we were to create a streaming service of our own.”

TDJJ: “What are the ideas you have? Are you thinking of showing existing content or are you making original programmes?”

CF-L: “I found out pretty quickly how much it’d be to buy in established TV shows and films, and with time being of the essence, we have to move quickly. So after looking around the shop for inspiration, I felt we could produce a lot of quality original stuff. Stuff that our fans would love.”

TDJJ: “Like what?”

CF-L: “We have a hell of a lot of products to choose from, so I reckon we’d get a load of mileage out doing a kind of shopping channel thing where we get someone to talk about, say, a brown dress for about 20 minutes or so. There could also be a soap opera, with employees talking about their private lives to each other, with arguments and affairs aplenty. Believe me, I reckon I could get a decent amount of material together. And it wouldn’t just be the staff getting the star treatment, customers would be getting a load of screen time as well.”

TDJJ: “Would using customers be a wise idea? Would you pixelate their faces, if whatever programme they’d be used on shows them in a bad light? I’m sorry, I don’t know how all this stuff works.”

CF-L “That’s okay, these are valid questions. I’m sure the customers would be fine with us, once they saw themselves in some of the more crazy ideas I’ve thought of. We use CCTV footage to help move the narrative forward in certain shows when required.”

TDJJ: “Well I suppose that would save you a lot of time when filming, to have all that footage already.”

CF-L: “Yeah, shows like Primark’s Quaziest Queues, Wackiest Customers and Refunding Mishaps. I’ve also got some adult programming on the way, for diversity. There’s enough footage from changing room and hidden toilet cameras to spread out into several serieses. I reckon this is gonna be a big selling point, people like voyeurism, like me.

TDJJ: “So if this interview is successful and garners enough positive feedback, and the powers that be give you the nod, when could this service be available?”

CF-L: “I’m working on the footage now, working around the clock reviewing toilet videos, so it wouldn’t take long. Maybe about a week or so. The price point is also going to stay in line with other services, around £5.99 a month. I wanted a premium service as well, but upscaling low res CCTV footage to 4K is a bit too tricky.”

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SIGHTINGS IN SMALL RESORT OF ALLEGED E.T. WALKING AROUND CAUSES FEAR SIMILAR TO THAILAND MONKEY MELEE

By Resident Ufologist Lenny Gort

Like most places around the world, the seaside resort of Shanklin on the Isle of Wight has become almost deserted, with locals locking themselves in isolation on government advice because of the pandemic. There’s been recent news of a mass monkey brawl in Thailand and some deer pottering about in Japan as a result of the virtual lock down, and some residents of the resort have reported sightings of an alleged alien shapeshifter in the area. Some have theorised that with the lack of humans around, the being feels confident enough to go out in the open, some think it’s just confused and wants to eat humans which are no longer there and has to hunt, while others think it’s just showing off its chameleon-like abilities because it can. Whatever the reason, no one in the resort want a similar situation like in Thailand with monkeys.

The fear of having hundreds of extra terrestrials scrapping for some reason, causing untold damage to street furniture and parked cars as a result, is getting too much for them. One of the local alien hunters, Gerald Gordon Golovkin – Treble G to his friends – has agreed to be interviewed by me, as he theorises what the supposed alien is, and what it could possibly want, based on his experience and the local reports.

TDJJ: ”Treble G, when did you first hear about these sightings of this so-called shapeshifter in Shanklin?”

GGG: “Pretty soon after the first report. I’m part of several alien groups online, and I feel you need to have an open mind for this kind of thing. If there’s only a single report of a sighting, it was probably a weather balloon or large cow that was actually seen. If there’s a few similar sighting from the same area, I’m more inclined to investigate immediately.”

TDJJ: “Given the case studies, what do you think is the most plausible explanation for what’s been happening?”

GGG: “Definitely a shapeshifter. One person said it looked like a man walking a dog. Or maybe it looked like the dog, leading the man to his doom. Another reported seeing an attractive woman walking a bit weird. These reports and others suggest that it can change its height and gender at will. Right now there’s no hard evidence as to its intention.”

TDJJ: “Do you think it’s looking for food? Do you think it eats people?”

GGG: “Unless it was the dog and not the walker, there’s possibly no threat. But how could an alien in dog form possibly eat a whole person? Unless it changed into the walker or that attractive woman or any of the other forms that’s been reported, out of the public eye. We need to wait, follow it and observe. Maybe narrate video footage as though it’s a wildlife show.”

TDJJ: “Do you think there’s more of them?”

GGG: “You just won’t find this out as it’s a shapeshifter. There’s been news of a local pub having a few people in last night. Maybe they were all visitors from another planet blending seamlessly into society. Maybe they’ve also grasped the English language enough to pass for humans and adopted our aggressive mannerisms after a few beers.”

TDJJ: “What do you think would happen if the government capture it?”

GGG: “I think it depends what form it’s in when they get it. If it’s anything but the attractive woman, they’d probably kill it and dissect it for scientific purposes. If it was the attractive woman, all bets are off. At the moment, there’s been no indication that it poses a threat. I’d fancy my chances if it was in the form of the attractive woman, you know, for science.”

TDJJ: “Does any part of your research and experience suggest at all that the sightings are just of different people on essential visits to the chemist or on their way to get milk or something?”

GGG: “That’d be too convenient. That’s what the media would want you to believe. But if they actually spoke to the witnesses like I’ve done, and had studied the crude drawings of the alien, particularly the attractive woman form it takes, then they’d soon reassess everything they thought they knew. This is as real as it gets.”

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HENCHMEN RECRUITMENT POLICY TO BE TIGHTENED AFTER YET ANOTHER MISUNDERSTANDING WITHIN GANG

By Resident Gangland Expert Vincent “Secateurs” Iolent

Yet another mishap caused by underlings in local Walthamstow gang Tha Warmastahz, has led boss Ray “Big Rake” Fairbrass to reassess the process of gang member acquisition. He understands that he has to be seen as the most sensible and alpha of the group, and that means there’d naturally be less adept affiliates in the association, but he feels he has to draw the line on some of the schoolboy errors by some of the gang lately. When Mr Fairbrass enters a new territory with a view to take over control, he’s recently been subjected to a lot of jokes about his gang’s mistakes, and feels his tough image has been tarnished as a result. After murdering the guilty gang members in cold blood, he set about amending the rules for the recruitment policy – along with his right-hand man Bastard Mike – going forward. I interviewed Mr Fairbrass in his makeshift torture room, which is his mum’s basement.

TDJJ: “Thanks for taking the time for this interview, I’m aware you’re using this area as a temporary hiding place from the cops. Looks pretty intimidating in here.”

RF: “Ha, don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you, you’ve done nothing against me or my gang. I want to make my point in as many places as possible, to send the word. I’m recruiting and I’m not one to mock. Once my army is back to full strength, we’ll reclaim our rep again. Mark my fackin words!”

TDJJ: “So, what actually happened that made you decide your recruitment policy had to change?”

RF: “A fackin mix up with the word “laundering.” Fackin couple of muppets we had, Bill and fackin Ben. Instead of transferring the cash we got from various sources and funnel it through a perfectly legitimate florists, they put it in several holdalls and gave it to some fackin launderettes. Fackin money, about 50 grand, facked. When I was chainsawing the fackers, I told them they was the last idiots in my gang. And I meant that.”

TDJJ: “That’s a big mistake they made. How long were they in your gang, and who recruited them?”

RF: “They’d been a part of Tha Warmastahz for a few months, though I could tell they weren’t really into it. They both come from decent backgrounds, mostly good education at school level, and could always find an excuse to pick a fight with people on the flimsiest of reasons. They were mates of Slappy Si, who was a good lad until I murdered him for not boiling a vat of oil to the required temperature to throw a rival into.”

TDJJ: “And you feel you have to uphold this reputation, to justify your leadership?”

RF: “Exactly. I can take a bit of criticism, like for my occasional fashion faux pas, but I just can’t understand how some people can be so fackin stupid, how they get through the fackin day. It’s me what has to explain away their fackin incompetence to rival gang bosses once word gets out.”

TDJJ: “I understand your frustration. I know someone who owns a newsagents, and the stories about the idiots that end up working for him. It’s ridiculous. So what changes have you drawn up, so this doesn’t happen again?”

RF: “Well, statistically speaking, it’s best you don’t have much of an education. Street smarts are very important, but you don’t need fackin algebra or German. That slows you down, that shit! Also, dependent family members, or decent upbringing. These will fack with your conscience. The need to be out at all hours, to be able to move around the country without having to give a fack for other people is paramount. We encourage being a shit father and husband. If your missus gets fed up with your constant run ins with the law, then she obviously hasn’t got the best interests for you. They’re the main things. These were more guidelines, but now they’re fackin rules.”

TDJJ: “And I guess these amendments are in immediate effect?”

RF: Yeah. Listen, I like murdering people as much as the next man, but I hate being embarrassed in front of other gangs, have to explain another fackin idiot that inconvenienced us in some way.”

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YOUNG ADULT NOVEL SERIES SIMILAR TO TWILIGHT TO BECOME FILM FRANCHISE SIMILAR TO TWILIGHT

By Resident Literary Expert Cara Llama

The deal has recently been sealed for the long running YA novel series Hot Yeti to become a lucrative film franchise. The author of the series, Amanda Whiplash, is set to become a billionaire overnight, and she’s insisted that she is to direct each one, to protect her “babies”. The series revolves around a young girl called Verily, when on a hiking expedition with high school, befriends a really good looking folkloric ape-like creature. Their burgeoning romance is thrown into doubt when another folkloric being, Omar the onocentaur – a part-human, part donkey creature – arrives on the scene, wearing a leather jacket and smoking.

The ten book series covers the will she, won’t she love triangle throughout, which has caused a lot of controversy over it’s blatant glorification of bestiality. There’s not much more to the story, only that her friends and parents frown upon her choice of suitors, and the fact that it’s just so darn hard being a modern girl. The books have a very specific demographic, and the film screenplays are reported to be copied verbatim from the original text, so fans can look forward to at least an hour of each film’s running time devoted to characters staring into the middle distance and asking themself things in their mind, which for the most part doesn’t translate well on the big screen. I interviewed Mrs Whiplash, to find out more about her decision not to adapt the books to a different art style.

TDJJ: “Mrs Whiplash, you’ve taken a lot on with this deal, in that you’re also contracted to direct the films, yet you haven’t got any experience in any of the disciplines. Is your decision to not adapt your writing for the screen down to that you just want to focus on directing?”

AW: “Well, I’ve sold over 40 million books over the series, so I must be doing something right. Why change a winning formula? I’m just going in there and pointing a camera at people saying the words I wrote.”

TDJJ: “But you do understand the two mediums are very different, right? Are you really going to include the ten page monologue from each of the three main characters, one after the other?”

AW: “Absolutely, you learn so much about the characters when they’re lying in bed, talking to themselves about their favourite colours, their likes and dislikes, and what they would do if they win the lottery. Half an hour of gold right there. There’s no other way I can think of where such information could be conveyed. They also describe their surrounding in their head, and all three of them have an excellent knowledge on how the sunlight falls onto the ground through the trees.”

TDJJ: “How are you going to approach the many scenes throughout the books where Verily is in what only can be described as interspecies erotica? You must be aware of the outrage online about this aspect of the series.”

AW: “I laugh at the suggestion that these scenes could possibly influence a girl somehow getting mounted repeatedly by an onocentaur. They might not even exist! Good luck with that one.”

TDJJ: “Did you know that there’s been at least a dozen woman imprisoned for trying to have sex with cattle, and they all said they read your books in their defence.”

AW: “Well that’s just wrong. Maybe they wanted to do that anyway, perverts.”

TDJJ: “So you don’t feel that by replicating these scenes exactly as the books depict them would pose a problem?”

AW: “Some people are into really kinky stuff. What they get up to behind closed doors is their business. It’s like movie violence giving people ideas to do the same because it looks cool. Yes, it looks cool, but I’d definitely advise against murder.”

TDJJ: “Right. Okay, so have you got any actors in mind to play these characters?”

AW: “Naturally I wanted to get those two who were in the Twilight films, but they’ve moved on to other things. Which is annoying. I don’t think it matters who does things really, just a thin teenage girl and someone big enough to put on the yeti costume. The onocentaur will be done on computer, but it will be a hot guy as the human bit.”

TDJJ: “And finally, should this series become a hit, would you consider going back to writing more books in the series?”

AW: “Well, without spoiling what happens at the very end, I’d have to think of a way to bring them all back to life and back into the same timeline by the wizard lizard. It gets a bit surreal after Verily consummates her marriage to both the Hot Yeti and Omar within 20 minutes of each other.”

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PALAEONTOLOGISTS MAKE HUGE DISCOVERY, HISTORY OF VIDEO GAMES REWRITTEN AS A RESULT

By Resident Tomb Raiding Expert Indiana Columbo

A team working on a routine excavation on a remote island in Costa Rica has unearthed something even more exciting than a previously undiscovered dinosaur. The eminent palaeontologist Dr Emmet Huey was leading his team through various caves, searching for the rare skeleton of a dinosaur frog. He uncovered a cloth bag during the excavation, in which he found a bunch of cogs. They took them back to their makeshift lab area in a caravan to study, confused as to how the cogs had made it onto the distant island about 50 feet below the surface. The team didn’t find any dinosaur frog remains, so went back home to Chicago to study the strange cogs instead.

Upon further inspection with lab tech, the respected Dr Huey saw a small symbol on the side of each cog which looked vaguely like the Nintendo logo. He knew that Nintendo first started their company making playing cards back in 1889, so was naturally confused as they looked like they predated this year by some distance. But in order to investigate further, Mr Huey spent a lot of time and money trying to solve this riddle, and ended his quest by just getting his layabout brother to solve things. I interviewed Mr Huey in his bathroom in Belmont Cragin, Chicago, to find out the link between these cogs and video games.

TDJJ: “Mr Huey, ever since I read this story I’ve been aching to find out the connection, and I’m sure that there’s lots of other people also anticipating the answer. So, what are these cogs in relation to video games?”

EH: “Well, as soon as my brother Chet saw them, he noticed they were kind of puzzle pieces and went about fitting them together. Chet’s a bit weird, you see, he’s always seemed to have supernatural powers to solve stuff like this, though he’s useless at most other things. Once the cogs were together, I noticed a few plug ports around the back and front, which looked similar to the ones seen in some of the older gaming consoles.”

TDJJ: “That doesn’t make sense. Do you have any idea how can that be?”

EH: “None whatsoever, it’s proper weird. Anyway, me and Chet got some relevant wires from his collection, wired it all up to the TV, and we were just dumbfounded with the result.”

TDJJ: “What happened?”

EH: “Well, the TV flickered a bit, but then an old style Nintendo logo appeared on a black screen, with the date 2153 BC below it. We just stared at the TV transfixed. We waited to see if anything happened next. A text bar came up asking for a ‘gamecog’ to be inserted. Obviously we don’t have a ‘gamecog’ whatever they are, so we just switched it off.”

TDJJ: “This changes everything in terms of the history of video games. It seems as though they’ve been around since the bronze age at least. What are you planning to do with the cogs? I’m sure they’d fetch a pretty price on eBay.”

EH: “We’re gonna put it in a safe somewhere, such is the valuation and historical importance of them. We’re planning a trip back to the island, see what else is there, whether there’s any of these ‘gamecogs’. But we fear a mass of people flooding the site once this news gets out. But this all depends on this current lock down on international travel.”

TDJJ: “Getting back to the cogs themselves, is there any writing on them at all apart from the logo? Any clues as to manufacturing dates, locations or anything?”

EH: “No, they just look like any other bronze coloured cogs. Obviously some surface areas have eroded over the centuries, that’s probably to be expected. There may have been writing at some point.”

TDJJ: “Have you contacted Nintendo about this?”

EH: “We couldn’t get through, maybe because of the current shut down. I’m thinking when this news gets more widespread, they’ll become aware and get in touch.”

TDJJ: “So until things settle down with all the restrictions in travelling etc, what are your plans with these cogs?”

EH: “I’ve got a friend who’s a key cutter, and we’re thinking of getting him to cut some circular bits of metal into the shape of these cogs, see if we can make more of these consoles. There’s a lot of information online in terms of electronics and that, so when we make these ‘bootleg’ consoles, the money from the sales will more than compensate us with the money we’re losing with the current rules against travelling to faraway lands to search for dinosaur frog remains.”

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YET ANOTHER COMIC-BASED TV SERIES ON WAY WITH DC COMICS ANNOUNCEMENT OF WACKY SITCOM

By Resident TV Namesake Experts Truce Train and Mark Trent

Recent news of yet another TV show involving characters from the DC universe has recently been confirmed, and it’s quite an unexpected change of tone for the brand. A lot of the earlier films were seen as being dark and gloomy, though later ones had lightened up the tone a bit, with Shazam! being playful and daft for the most part. This new sitcom, however, takes things to a whole new level. It’s called Martha and Martha, and it revolves around the mothers of both Batman and Superman, and how they cope with the madcap shenanigans of the heroic duo. Internet forums for these kinds of things have gone into meltdown, hating the very thought of having these two iconic comic characters portrayed in such a bumbling way. DC bigwigs have also confirmed that canned laughter will be implemented, and they also hinted there’ll be a live band on set as well. Despite DC spokespeople using their website and social media to defend their ideas, it’s only intensified the fury amongst the fans. I interviewed high-powered DC crony Robin Laidegg in his posh office in the DC headquarters, in Burbank, California, to see whether the sheer amount of criticism they’ve received would affect any future creative decisions on the show.

TDJJ: “Thanks for taking the time to clarify things during this very busy period. I can see you’re very busy.”

RL: “Yeah, me and the team had an unspoken rule about responding to every email we get, to make sure we’re on track with everything. Unfortunately, several thousand people emailed us about this TV Show within minutes, and realised it wasn’t practical any more. So we quickly stopped bothering.”

TDJJ: “So, what was your inspiration for this show?”

RL: “I had a random thought while on the toilet a few weeks ago: what if there was another Batman and Superman who were oafish and laughable? It was my knowledge on sitcoms that ultimately led to the direction of this show. The ideas just snowballed from there, really.”

TDJJ: “Is there any word yet on casting?”

RL: “We’ve recently secured the talents of Kevin James who’s going to be Batman, and we’re still looking for some other actor as Superman. Someone like Rob Schneider or David Spade.”

TDJJ: “So with the recasting of these characters yet again, and the tone that you’re going for, the series won’t be seen as canon in the grand scheme of things?”

RL: “Actually, there’s a few nods to the older films, we’re trying to get George Clooney make a return as his Batman in one of the more bizarre episodes. We’re going one step further than the 60s Batman series by also having cartoon sound effects during the fights. And you can bet your ass that we’re showing Bruce’s parents getting shot to death. I’ve lost count how many ties this has been done. But we play it for laughs.”

TDJJ: “What’s the response from your department regarding the vitriol online, and your failed attempts of appeasing the fans of these characters?”

RL: “We do understand the concerns of the fans, a lot of them are thinking the portrayal of these characters would be at odds with how they are in other media. This show is stand alone, a bit like the Joker movie. You have Joaquin Phoenix and Jared Leto both as The Joker, playing him very differently, in different films. Same thing here. This means we can get creative without worrying how it’d all fit in. So, we can do an episode where Doomsday shows up as Superman’s lovelorn brother because he has a crush on Wonder Woman. With side-splitting results!”

TDJJ: “Regardless of your team’s confidence with this show, what would happen if it fails, both commercially and critically?”

RL: “We’re sure that we’d get a loyal following, even if the core fans continue with their death threats on message boards. There’s enough uninitiated sitcom fans out there, plus there’s loads of people out there who like hilarious things. We’ll be fine.”

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FAMOUS SINGER-SONGWRITER REVEALS TRUE SURNAME, EXPLAINS REASON FOR NOT INITIALLY FOLLOWING FAMILY TRADITION

By Resident Horseplay Expert Fanny Chortle

She’s sold untold millions in record sales and has amassed far too much money for one person, but singer Adele has never revealed her true family lineage in public, as she felt she wanted to go her own way and not the expected direction that her actual surname would suggest. There’s been a lot of speculation that her last name is Adkins, but has never used it to promote her career. She says it’s because she wants to respect her real one, which – in this exclusive interview with The Daily JabJab – is Chuckle. The mental image of Adele joining surviving Chuckle Brother Paul in a series of hilarious TV shows is a difficult one, as she usually sings about break ups and crying, which is a far cry from getting embroiled in simple DIY mishaps, catchphrases and general tomfoolery. But despite earning her wealth singing about disappointment, she admits she’s not ruling out a drastic career change, as I interview her in her local pub in East Grinstead, The Green Muppet And Bin.

TDJJ: “Thanks for taking the time for this interview. Do you want me to call you Adele, Miss Chuckle, Miss Adkins or what?”

A: “Well, Miss Chuckle to me sounds like a cartoon character. I don’t feel I’m ready to embrace that yet. Even though it’s definitely my real surname, honest. Adele’s fine.”

TDJJ: “Okay. Why do you feel now is the right time to reveal your real surname?”

A: “I reckon I’m so famous now working with just my first name, it would neither be here nor there to reveal it, I’ve proved I can make it without trading on the Chuckle name. Plus it gives me some more inspiration for my music going forward. Fans might be surprised at the new stuff I’m working on.”

TDJJ: “Are you looking to embrace a more lighter side that reflects the antics of Barry and Paul during their career?”

A: “Maybe. I do have a silly side, but I noticed early on in my career that the daft stuff I wrote didn’t resonate with many people. My songs about falling down ladders and stepping in buckets of paint didn’t seem to fit with my vocal range and singing style. But I’ve been practising. This has a lot to do with Paul, really. We’ve all got a big sense of loss since Barry and Jimmy Patton passed on, so I guess this is my way of showing solidarity.”

TDJJ: “Is Paul collaborating on any of your new material?”

A: “Yeah. It’s been a very long time since I’ve tried to write about nonsense, and he’s been instrumental. It’s like I’ve had to learn a different language almost, to get rid of all the meaningful metaphors and sensible symbolisms. I’ve had to let go of so much. We’ve written a song called Glitter Gets Fucking Everywhere, which will be one of the singles. I can’t wait!”

TDJJ: “It sounds like you’ve discovered a new Adele, you sound invigorated. I might even buy this album.”

A: “Thanks. I’m just worried how to fit this new material with my old stuff when doing concerts. So different.”

TDJJ: “I’m no expert, but you could perhaps change outfits several times throughout, each one being more outlandish than the last, until you get to your new stuff. Then it won’t be such a shock to your fans.”

A: “Yeah, I could buy a few clown clothes, adapt them in this way. I’ll keep it in mind.”

TDJJ: “So with this new shift in your career, have you considered doing sketch comedy with Paul? Perhaps at seaside resorts in you can’t get a TV series?”

A: “My music comes first, but I suppose we could do a live show at Margate, Southport or some other town like that if I can get singing gigs in the same place to save time and petrol.”

TDJJ: “And how are you with the catchphrases – ‘To me, to you, to me, to you’ and so forth?”

A: “What?”

TDJJ: “The ‘To me, to you’ thing. It’s one of catchphrases they’re famous for.”

A: “Oh right, I’m with you now. Sorry, I know I’ve got to learn a lot more. I’ve just been working on getting bashed on the head with various hand tools.”

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WOMAN TO MAKE INCENDIARY DOCUMENTARY ABOUT FORMER FRIEND DUE TO FALL OUT OVER TROUSERS IN SALE

By Fashion Correspondent Jean Paul Georgeringo

A 52-year old woman has been left furious due to an incident at a local jumble sale in the scouts hut, in Pallethill, Penrith, where a pair of trousers she had her eye on was later bought by her friend, despite being told they would be kept to one side for her. Barbara Dynasty first saw the orange and green trousers on a wallpaper pasting table as she entered the hut at around 10:30 am. She asked the saleswoman to hold them for her as she didn’t have the 50p in change when asked, and told her she would go to one of the other stalls first and see if they could help. Unbeknown to Miss Dynasty, one of her friends Debbie Dallas, walked through the doors a minute later and also spotted the colourful trousers. She bought them for £1 after initial reluctance from the seller, and then left the hut with her new purchase.

Miss Dynasty came back with the right change, only to be told what had happened, that as a capitalist, the seller couldn’t pass up on the larger bid. She described the buyer to Miss Dynasty, who immediately knew who it was. She thought better of her former friend, but on the sad walk home, she began remembering times when Mrs Dallas had done other hurtful things over the years. Miss Dynasty then had a brainwave: she would get revenge by making a controversial documentary about her, to show the world what a cow she is. I interviewed Miss Dynasty in her bedroom a few days after that fateful Saturday morning.

TDJJ: “Miss Dynasty, have you spoken to Mrs Dallas yet? Was she aware that you had your eyes on the trousers?”

BD: “She phoned up all innocent a few days ago wanting to go for coffee. When I accused her of her immoral crime, she claimed she didn’t know it was me who wanted to buy them.”

TDJJ: “Well, according to the CCTV footage you implored the local cops to investigate, she came in a minute or so after you and spoke to the seller. Lip reading experts didn’t see the seller mention you by name. Did you know the person who sold them?”

BD: “Never seen her before. But Debbie’s like this, she’s got previous.”

TDJJ: “Did she even know you were at the jumble sale?”

BD: I wouldn’t put it past her. She knows I like wacky trousers, I wear them ironically at posh get togethers.”

TDJJ: “Maybe she liked them.”

BD: “No one would like them properly. She’s done this on purpose, and I’m going to expose her.”

TDJJ: “So, how is your documentary idea going?”

BD: “I’ve just been making a list of all the crappy things she’s done. I called the college to ask if they had a student who could film it all for me. I chose this little bald student. Won’t shut up about Klute. I mean, the film’s okay, but no one should know too much about it because it has a W-H-O-R-E in it.”

TDJJ: “Oh I’ve not seen it, must give it a go some time. How are you going to film it then?”

BD: “It won’t take long to do, just me in a chair reading the list of times when Debbie’s taken things too far. I wouldn’t want be her afterwards, I’ll serve her. Is that how you say that phrase?”

TDJJ: “I don’t know, it sounds pretty accurate I guess. What other things has she done in the past?”

BD: “Loads of stuff. Used up the last bottle vinegar in a cafe one time, warning my cat because it walked over her coat, and breaking out into songs at inopportune moments.”

TDJJ: “When do you think the documentary will be released?”

BD: “Couple of weeks or so. Everyone will see her for who she really is. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to think up more swearing and half truths to put in it.”

Debbie Dallas: Bad Bastard will be on sale through Miss Dynasty’s website once it’s done, and will cost £5 for the DVD.

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DOWN-ON-LUCK MAN RESIGNED TO SELLING PRIZED POSSESSIONS ONLINE TO PAY DEBTS AMIDST BOOKIES FEAR

By Resident Auctioneering Expert Davey “Orange” Foundation

We all like a bargain, whether it’s browsing in charity shops or online auctions, where they don’t really understand what they’ve got, or it’s obvious that a retailer has overstocked something and just wants to cut their losses. Some items don’t hold their worth for a multitude of reasons, but others can appreciate in value, like gold, oil, and certain toiletries nowadays, and 55-year old unemployed window salesman Des Grandstand feels he has a couple of other items that also fit into that category. Sadly he’s had no luck selling them in the local Royton pubs in Oldham, and needs the cash quickly.

He’s willing to get an account on ebay, but has no bank account due to several bad decisions over the years. And with the current climate sweeping the globe, Mr Grandstand fears a knock on effect will see the bookmakers shut down during the anticipated shutdown, cutting off another source of his get rich quick plans. He owes a lot of money to a lot of different outlets, and despite his insistence that his items are worth more than others suggest, he’s growing increasingly frustrated as the various cash deadlines loom. I interviewed Mr Grandstand outside a bookies from which he’s barred, to see what his alternatives are.

TDJJ: “Sorry I’m late, five in the morning’s a bit too early for me.”

DG: “It’s all right. It’s just I don’t want to bump into certain people who I owe money to.”

TDJJ: “What are the things you’re wanting to sell?”

DG: “I’ve got a £10 gift card for Toys “R” Us and Police Academy 2 on DVD, which has a Woolworths logo on the cover design.”

TDJJ: “Hm, I don’t think you’d get much for them, certainly not enough to pay off anyone that you feel the need to hide from. How much were you looking for?”

DG: “£500 each.”

TDJJ: “Seriously? You do understand how valuation works don’t you?”

DG: Yeah, but the thing is, I know these things aren’t worth that much now. I’m selling them as a kind of investment. In 20 years, who knows how much they’d sell for? I reckon both Toys “R” Us and Woolworths stuff is quite rare even now, for obvious reasons. People need to look long term. I’m sure with inflation and that, £500 would be chump change in 20 years.”

TDJJ: “And is that what you’ve been telling people in the pubs?”

DG: “Yeah. And just to let people know, the £10 is still on the gift card, and the disc and case for the DVD is in fairly good condition. A couple of scuffs but it plays fine.”

TDJJ: “Why do you think you’ve not being able to sell these items yet?”

DG: “The main one is probably that I’m limited to walking distance. I’m not able to use public transport after a few recent minor indiscretions, and I can’t drive. If I was on ebay, I’d be able to reach every country in the world. That’s how it works isn’t it?”

TDJJ: “Pretty much. But don’t you feel you’d get the same reaction? I’d imagine the market for obsolete gift cards and DVDs of Police Academy films would be pretty difficult to predict in 20 years time.”

DG: “But I read in a paper once that some video tapes are worth loads now, proper rare ones. More than £500 for a film that came out 20-30 odd years ago. I point this out but no one seems interested. They wouldn’t print lies would they?”

TDJJ: “I don’t know about that. You’re asking a lot from people. Not everyone could afford your asking price, even if they understood and agreed with your reasoning.”

DG: “Are you on ebay? Would you be interested? If you’re able to get the cash today, I could probably do a discount for cash. £950 for them both.”

TDJJ: “No, it’s okay. I’ve got the Police Academy box set on DVD, paid about £6 for it a while ago. Doesn’t have the Woolworths logo on it though. I’m pretty sure the £10 on the card wouldn’t be valid any more.”

DG: “But aren’t they retro? £900, final offer.”

TDJJ: “I can’t afford that, no I’m not interested.”

DG: “What do you mean, you can’t afford it? You’re a journalist wearing glasses and a posh shirt. £850.”

TDJJ: “Has anyone offered you a lot less for them?”

DG: “One bloke offered me a packet of 20 cigs and the rest of his kebab. I had to laugh.”

TDJJ: “Fifteen. And that’s generous. I’m fairly certain that you wouldn’t get anywhere near that on ebay or anywhere else online, even if you explained things.”

DG: “£15? Fuck it, okay. But if I find out that you sold them both for over £1,000 in 20 years time, I won’t be very happy. you’d owe me money or something.”

TDJJ: “Well, we’ll have to see what happens. You can always use this cash in one of the bookies that you’re not barred from, see if you can win enough to pay your debts”

Mr Grandstand took the cash and he crossed the road to a bookies that had just opened for the day. About five minutes later, he walked back out swearing under his breath and kicked a post box.

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SMALL TIME BUTCHER USES POPULAR GAME ONLINE TO ADVERTISE STRUGGLING BUSINESS

By Video Game Correspondent Raymond Stationfour

A local butcher from Nether Wallop in Hampshire has recently come up with a novel idea to drum up publicity for his ailing business. 61-year old Harry Jetpac has seen his shop, Harry’z Meatz And Thingz, slowly lose trade to the much more modern store that’s recently opened nearby called Contemporary Carlos’z Brillz Butcherz. But Mr Jetpac has took inspiration from his former pastime when he was a lonely child, and has decided to use video games to advertise his wares while playing online. The use of modern 4K gaming, and using a vast amount of buttons and tech setup in order to do so, has been a tricky transition for Mr Jetpac, who confesses he’s not properly played any video games since the early nineties. I interviewed Mr Jetpac in his shed where he’s got his gaming set up, as his long suffering wife has since put her foot down on all the shouting and swearing involved while he plays, and has banished him.

TDJJ: “This can be seen as an unorthodox way to advertise your butchers, Mr Jetpac. I understand that you haven’t really kept an eye on the gaming world for a long time, so why did you feel this is the right method to use?”

HJ: “The thing is, quite frankly a lot of my older customers are either dying off or going over the road to the new place to get their meat. I’m also feeling the pinch from the shopping habits nowadays, people buy everything from the same place now, supermarkets and that. So I thought it’d be a good idea if I could try advertising to the younger crowd somehow. I know that video games are even more popular than when I played them all those years ago. So I done a bit of research, bought a load of stuff, and here I am now, in my shed.”

TDJJ: “You’ve been doing this for a couple of weeks now. Have you noticed any increase in sales?”

HJ: “It’s early days yet, but I think word of mouth is spreading. To be honest it’s been a lot more tricky than I thought it’d be.”

TDJJ: “In what way?”

HJ: “Just the sheer amount of people from different countries. There’s also a lot of hostility, people get angry over the simplest of things. All I’m doing is explaining what I do as a business, tell them where my shop is, but most of the time I just get loads of abuse. I only want to help them with their meat. Plus I struggle with the games, there’s just too many things you can do.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, the gaming landscape has changed in many ways over the last couple of decades. What was the last game you remember playing?”

HJ: “That Mickey Mouse one on the Sega. Quackshot.”

TDJJ: “That was a Donald Duck game. So, what games are you playing now to advertise your business?”

HJ: “At the moment, Fifa 20. I do remember the old Fifa games, but you only had a few buttons and I found it much easier. But the beauty of this modern one is that you can communicate to so many people over the headset about stuff. I feel this game has been the most successful for me. I kept getting banned from the others. It’s like they don’t appreciate my point of view on British butchery, that it’s better than the foreign muck they have.”

TDJJ: “What other games were you playing, and what was happening to get you banned?”

HJ: “The new Mortal Kombat one, Fortnite and a Call of Duty. I weren’t very good at them, especially Call of Duty, so I didn’t have enough time to got through my sales pitch before getting killed. Over time, I felt my blood pressure rising because of this and it would lead to many angry exchanges and I’d take things too far. Fifa is a slower game, so there’s more time for back and forth after I’ve explained things. Still a bit tricky at times though.”

TDJJ: “You mentioned that you realised there are gamers from different countries playing with you. How do you feel it benefits promoting your butchers to someone from, say, Japan?”

HJ: “Well, they might have relatives over here to recommend my business to. Or it might even inspire them to come over. It’s better than all that fish crap they eat.”

TDJJ: “Don’t you sell fish as well?”

HJ: “Yeah, but it’s proper British fish, cod and that. Never been a fan of that sushi stuff, it shouldn’t be a thing.”

I ended the interview shortly afterwards, as Mr Jetpac was getting a bit too xenophobic, and he got redder in the face as a result. Even his wife could hear him from the kitchen, told him to pipe down with the bigotry again.

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GOVERNMENT LACKEY CONFIDENT OF PLAN TO EASE FEARS OF LOW EARNERS IN CURRENT CLIMATE

By Resident Futurist Syd Bitter

Citizens of the UK in this difficult time are all too aware of what other countries are doing in the wake of the Coronavirus, with some of them shutting down, closing everything but hospitals, chemists and shops to buy toilet paper from. One idea that has been proposed, the prospect of closing down all schools and colleges, has been met with fierce criticism in some quarters. The argument is that by doing this would create a chain reaction, that parents would be forced to quit work in order to look after their kids, therefore they won’t get as much cash coming in, and then the bills won’t get paid, then they’ll lose their house, they’ll then live on the street, then eventually out of desperation, feed on wildlife. The government has announced that those who earn over a certain amount will be eligible for Statutory Sick Pay, but have been a bit vague with plans for those in low earning jobs, employees on zero hour contracts, the self-employed, the unemployed, the semi-retired, freelance clowns… the list seems endless. But in an exclusive interview, I spoke with top government spokesman Thomas Eighthundred, who would like to use this platform to ease the worries of most of the population.

TDJJ: “Thank-you Mr Eighthundred for giving The Daily JabJab your time. You’ve heard all the cynics out there, and you know of the many scared denizens of these isles. What is the government going to do to alleviate their stress?”

TE: “We know of this chain of events that would definitely happen if we close the schools and colleges. There would be many, many people unable to work from home as a result, and would probably be sacked for taking too many days off in a row, whether they’ve got the virus or not. They’d be seen as workshy and lazy, so good riddance. What we’re proposing, then, is they get their own robot to perform the tasks at their workplace, partly controlled by them in the safety of their own home.”

TDJJ: “Okay. So much to unpack here. Erm, would these robots be fit for all tasks, like in a bakery, or in sales, anything that involves water?”

TE: “Well, the robots are standard issue humanoid military-grade systems, so it’d be up to the individual to control them if their job requires specific things like in the jobs you mention. Plus jobs in the creative arts. In fact, these machines haven’t yet been through beta testing, so they still might be a little combative. But in these desperate times we feel the need to fast track them into society, albeit for reasons they weren’t built or programmed for. I’m sure it’d be fine once they get the hang of things, I’ve been told they can learn and adapt.”

TDJJ: “And these robots would only be partly controlled by the individual workers?”

TE: “Yes. We’ve outsourced this project to an external corporation who’ve financed everything. They don’t want the working class to have complete control of their creations. They’ll pull the reins in if one of these proles get ideas above their pay grade.”

TDJJ: “How many of these robots are there?”

TE: “We’d be utilising the seven foot ones, they’re the smallest. I’ve not been given the exact amount of them we have, only that there’s more than enough for this mission. Incidentally, the largest ones are 30 feet tall, and have the ability to clip together to make an even bigger one, should the need arise. A bit like Voltron. It sounds flipping cool to be honest.”

TDJJ: “What situation would need a gigantic robot?”

TE: “Alien invasion. We don’t know how big they’ll be. Whether the threat comes from space or from beneath the oceans from another dimension somehow, we’ve got it covered.”

TDJJ: “Can these robots talk?”

TE: Not yet. The corporation said they haven’t had the time to sort this out because of the imminent rush to get them on the streets. But they can point, so as long as there’s signs around that the other robots can understand, say, terms and conditions when it comes to securing a holiday package or new car. Or take directions when filming a TV advert.”

TDJJ: “Are these robots user friendly, easy to operate?”

TE: “I’m not sure. As I said, the corporation would do most of the work, it’ll just be the individual employees controlling how they perform the job roles. It sounds easy enough, now I think about it, given the corporation’s insistence on ultimate control.”

TDJJ: “I’m not so sure. Don’t you see any serious issues with this? If the robots can learn and adapt, do you feel they could possibly start thinking for themselves after a while?”

TE: “I’m no expert, that’s why we gave this corporation a lot of autonomy on this. I’m sure they know what they’re doing. Listen, these robots would be immune to any viruses, there’s no evidence that anything could kill them. And I feel that our forward thinking would save so many jobs for these low earners and general scroungers. This news will reverberate around the world, and I’m sure other countries will follow our step into this brave new future. That’s what I’ve been told anyway.”

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SCHOOL REUNION PROVES DISAPPOINTING FOR SMALL GROUP BECAUSE OF CHANGES WITH FORMER OUTCAST

By Resident Nostalgic Dissatisfaction Expert Roland Cress

They say that your school days are the best days of your life. In reality though, only certain sections of society actually agree with this. Nerds, kids with weight problems, the weird ones, quiet ones, small ones… the list goes on, are all on record disputing this so-called truism, making a mockery of it all. However, life can turn around for former undesirables, as was found out when one of them attended the 10th anniversary reunion for St. Hundredhandslap High School, in Stroud, Gloucestershire. In the years since his time at the school, 26-year old Crispin Transit has improved his hygiene regimen, and has even worked his way up the corporate ladder to a respectable assistant supervisor position at an out-of-town tile merchant. He remembers being picked on by a bunch of popular kids, who also attended the barely-organised quiet get together in a nearby pub.

The group, who called themselves Goaty and co after nominal leader Shane Goat, had remained firm friends since leaving school, and were looking forward to seeing their former classmate to continue their light-hearted bullying. Sadly, due to Mr Transit’s life improvement, they didn’t have the chance to perform their old routine, which includes a lengthy poetic ode to how he smells and likes girls toys. I interviewed a disconsolate Mr Goat, who had to fight back the tears on several occasions throughout, as he describes his sadness from the recent event.

TDJJ: “Mr Goat, I can only imagine your disappointment right now. Your evening plans for you and your group were ruined by the sheer temerity of someone who had bettered themselves.”

SG: “I know, it’s a real shame. We got together the night before in order to get back into the swing of things. I couldn’t remember all the words to the song we used to shout at him as we took turns kicking his satchel around. After a few hours drinking we got the routine down as closely as we could. But it was all for nothing.”

TDJJ: “What was your group’s initial reaction when seeing Mr Transit for the first time in a decade?”

SG: “Well, Wicksy said he saw him now and again walking down the street. Transit avoided his eye contact all the time, which I still find funny, but yeah, it’s been years for me. We sought him out in the crowd, but weren’t sure it was him at first, he’s since shaved his shit bumfluff beard off, though he still had those weird ears. But he looked more assured with himself, talking to some girl none of us can quite remember. Becky something, who was laughing with him. His smell of biscuits and paint had also gone, which was the first thing I noticed. And that’s when I suspected our rehearsed routine of old was under threat.”

TDJJ: “How did he respond to you and your group?”

SG: “He hesitated for a bit, but then attempted to shake my hand. I was tempted to let bygones be bygones, but I had a reputation to uphold, even though I was an adult now with a kid. But I was momentarily lost for words. My brain was trained on the song and kicking combo, but this version of him didn’t reflect anything in the lyrics. Luckily, Banjo Ste began shouting at him, saying he was gay.”

TDJJ: “And was Mr Transit’s dismissive reply the reason that you started brawling with him, leading you to be escorted out by security?”

SG: “Yeah, I couldn’t believe the cheeky bastard, how dare he? After all we did to him years ago! I saw red when he just smirked and callously asked us all why we were still throwing around childish insults. I’d had a few cans before we got there, so my timing was little off. I think I hit him, but I fell onto a table, smashing various glasses and that. And I reckon my clever, articulated comebacks were too much for him, and the security staff felt they had to protect him from the witty roasting.”

TDJJ: “Did your group follow you out?”

SG: “No, they still had a few drinks left. I’m sure they avenged my enforced exit though, once they’d finished. Maybe drew a dick on his head or something. Proper classic!”

TDJJ: “Since that night, I noticed during my research that you’ve been more active on social media, calling out Mr Transit, asking for a fight, any time, any place. Have you had any response yet?”

SG: “Not yet. I can see that he’s been online and seen some of my threats. I also know he’s liked a Polly Pocket fan page as well. I took the piss out him for this but he’s since blocked me. It’s proper weird isn’t it? A grown man clinging to something he liked doing when he was at school.”

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HEALTH AND SAFETY EXPERTS DESPAIR AS CONTROVERSIAL NEW FORMAT TO BE INTRODUCED IN BOXING

By Boxing Correspondent Evander Holymackerel

One of the main problems with modern boxing, according to those who ply their trade in the sport in any capacity, is the amount of sanctioning bodies involved creating confusion and frustration at all times, what with their own politics, agendas, and the many belts available in the numerous weight divisions. There’s so many belts available, even you or I could be some kind of world champion right now without knowing. Ridiculous. Though the sanctioning bodies themselves won’t agree with any of this, as there’s too much money involved, some recent news they have agreed with, after a meeting lasting seven hours, is that they are to combine their efforts equally into a new format which sounds very similar to a professional wrestling tournament.

When the details of this new format was explained at a press conference, there was a lot of concern for the boxers in the small weight classes, and another potential major issue is the very idea of what’s required for each boxer involved, throwing all logical boxing strategies out of the window. Despite the backlash and angry comments online from pugilistic purists, the tournament’s show runner, Maximillian Okayjim, has remained firm in his decision that no changes are to be made. I interviewed Mr Okayjim at his gym to find out more.

TDJJ: “Okay Mr Okayjim, for those not aware of this new format in boxing, which you say will revolutionise the sport, can you please explain to the less hardcore fans what to expect.”

RO: “Well, the rumours are true, we have taken inspiration from WWE for this idea, but we’ve amended a few things to cater it more for boxing. Boxerz Rumblez Contestz is gonna be a tournament where thirty boxers are going to battle it out until there’s just one man standing. So, yeah, a bit like the Royal Rumble, even down to each boxer entering the ring every thirty seconds.”

TDJJ: “And this will involve boxers from all weight classes?”

RO: “Every weight class will be represented, yes.”

TDJJ: “I think that’s the main reason why health and safety experts are so concerned. A heavyweight boxer, who could exceed 270lbs in weight would surely do a lot of damage to one of the straw weight boxers, who have the physique of a nine year old. Can you explain why you haven’t really addressed this potential bloodbath?”

RO: “Okay, what these people don’t seem to understand, I said in the press conference that several boxers could gang up on any other. The rule is you need to uppercut a boxer out of the ring in order to eliminate them. There might be an in-ring situation where a few of the smaller boxers work together and simultaneously uppercut a heavyweight in order to do this. That’s what makes it so exciting.”

TDJJ: “But you do understand that boxing has always been a solitary sport, always one against one. Can you understand why the purists out there are losing their collective shit online about this?”

RO: “I understand to a point, but they’ve gotta move with the times. We anticipated UFC doing something similar, it sounds more up their street, but we’ve quite literally beaten them to the punch. These fans are always whining about having too many champions and belts, but they need to realise that the one man standing at the end of the tournament would be seen as the champion of boxing full stop. This is the fairest way. This is the only way.”

TDJJ: “I know you have a lot of powerful businessmen friends who have financed this, with many billions at your disposal in order to make things happen. Was there any boxers that refused your offers to be involved?”

RO: “Some of the top ranked boxers in the lighter weights were concerned, so we just got a few of the fringe contenders who were more grateful for the TV exposure. They were loads cheaper as well.”

TDJJ: “I’m a big fan of the Royal Rumble, as I’m sure a lot of others out there are. Will there be any other similar Rumble rules implemented? Maybe older boxers, any surprise contenders in store?”

RO: “Of course, sure, that was the first thing we discussed. Retired boxers, non-boxers, jobbing actors and minor celebs have all been talked about, there’s gonna be a lot of surprising entrants. But not women. We’re even in advanced talks about having a bunch of certain marsupials who are known for their boxing abilities. We’re working with a few animal rights organisations for that one. But money talks. The money we’ve saved on average boxers and forgettable TV actors is being thrown at these animals.”

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RESEARCH THEORY SHOWS THAT FORMER TV CHARACTER IS ACTUALLY A METAL BAND, REWRITES OLD INTERNET MYTH

By Internet Miscellany Correspondent Kevin Rotor

At the turn of the 21st century, the internet was a very different place than it is today. There was no social media, cat videos didn’t make up 85% of YouTube as YouTube wasn’t around yet, and all information ever hadn’t been uploaded like it has nowadays. This meant that unverifiable facts were being spread amongst those who had access to the many awfully colour schemed websites which passed for graphic design back then. One of the main facts which perpetuated was that musician Marilyn Manson was actually the kid who was Kevin’s best friend in the Wonder Years TV show. Sure, you could see a kind of resemblance, and this was good enough for everyone until it was debunked with the discovery that the two names of the actual people behind the characters were different. But recently, a semi-retired freelance detective from Frome in Somerset, 61-year old Fred Jinkeys has reopened the case himself. He feels that there’s more to the situation than first thought, and his findings are actually a twist on the original story. I interviewed Mr Jinkeys inside his car, parked near to the local library he’s barred from for reasons he won’t talk about.

TDJJ: “My Jinkeys, what made you want to re-assess this particular case, which, you must realise, has long been proven to be false?”

FJ: “I was working on my current job, which had me searching for the thief who’s been stealing lingerie from local washing lines, but I’d hit a roadblock. I was getting increasingly frustrated with not being able to work out the culprit’s excuse should the poilce get involved. I punched the book case behind me to vent my anger, and one of my case files fell off which is full with myths of the internet. I started to read The Marilyn Manson Wonder Years Case in a break from my current work, and I started digging into it all. After a few days I realised that the supposed myth was still true, but not in the way it was originally laid out.”

TDJJ: “What did you find out?”

FJ: “If my sleuthing is correct, then it’s that Paul Joshua Pfeiffer, who was played by Josh Saviano in The Wonder Years, is actually Marilyn Manson the band, and not Brian Warner, who’s supposedly the singer for the band and not the band itself.”

TDJJ: “So, the TV character Paul Joshua Pfeiffer is the band Marilyn Manson?”

FJ: “Yes, as far as I can tell. I’ve not slept for several days.”

TDJJ: “Then who’s Brian Warner?”

FJ: “I’m not sure yet, I’m working on it. But Paul Joshua Pfeiffer is definitely the band.”

TDJJ: “But there’s a lot of footage showing the band having multiple people in, it’s well documented.”

FJ: “They’re just regular musicians, people that happen to be the same pub or arena where Paul is playing as Marilyn Manson. Kind of like The Lightning Seeds or Maroon 7–”

TDJJ: “Maroon 5.”

FJ: “Yeah, the lead singer’s the only one person you associate with that band. If that makes sense.”

TDJJ: “Hmm, I’m not sure–”

FJ: “Listen, I know it sound weird, but the person who came up with the original so-called fact all those years ago was just getting a few of the details twisted round. So my new research doesn’t sound that far out when you think about it.”

TDJJ: “I’ve just checked Wikipedia on my phone. Says Paul Joshua Pfeiffer is, and always has been a fictional character, and Josh Saviano is a lawyer now.”

FJ: “That must be his day job. Remember, you don’t have to be working Monday to Friday 9-5 when you’re a world famous metal band. The gigs are at night and you can easily record an album on the weekends, or even on paid holidays. He’s been doing this for years.”

TDJJ: “But you’re now talking about Josh Saviano. You’ve been saying it was the character he played in The Wonder Years that was Marilyn Manson the band.”

FJ: “Look, I’ve got tons of paperwork at home which in my eyes proves unequivocally that Paul Joshua Pfeiffer, fictional character or not, is the band. I don’t know where Brian Warner fits into the equation yet. He could actually be the fictional one, not Kevin’s friend from the show.”

TDJJ: “I’m a bit lost with this. Was Paul Joshua Pfeiffer based on anyone in real life, when they were writing the series?”

FJ: “I’m working on this, I’d have to watch it again. There’s a box set isn’t there?”

TDJJ: “I believe so. So what are your plans when you get to whatever conclusion you end up with? To be honest, I’m not convinced at the moment, but remain open minded. I’m a rare breed of journalist.”

FJ: “I’ll set up a subscription-only website and put the entirety of my findings online. People nowadays are so cynical on the internet, what with their views on gender politics, sexism in public places and wearing women’s clothing under your own, so by showing all my working out will add credulity to this story. I even think Brian Warner and Josh Saviano would show up together to show that once and for all they are not the same person. But I bet you don’t see Paul Joshua Pfeiffer with them. Makes you think, doesn’t it?”

TDJJ: “I think so. I’ll have to re-read all this.”

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MANAGER OF STATIONERY COPYING SOLUTIONS COMPANY SEIZES OPPORTUNITY IN CURRENT GAP IN MARKET

By Resident Household Essentials Expert Gordon Conscious

The recent effect of panic buying certain items by citizens all over the world has sent the companies who make them into overdrive, with many of them simply unable to keep up with the demand. It has been suggested that hand gel and bread are becoming increasingly rare, and they’ll soon become more valuable than gold, leaving online prices too ridiculous for everyone apart from celebrities. The same goes for the toilet roll shortages, as too many people are getting embroiled in large brawls in shops over stock, with experts expecting the news of the first fatalities from such battles to emerge in the next few days. But while this situation of stockpiling these products is now officially out of hand, one manufacturer is rubbing their collective hands with glee, as they expect sales of their product to go through the roof. Tracy’s Tracing Traders, a moderately-sized company on a Grimsby industrial estate who ply their trade in tracing paper, have increased their staff fivefold in anticipation of increased workload. I interviewed manager Tracy Receptacle in her office to enquire on how she feels her idea in incremental industry is instantly insisted.

TDJJ: “Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, I can see you’re very busy. Why do you feel justified for hiring so many more employees just so you can make more tracing paper?”

TR: “Well, we’ve all seen the photos and videos of empty shelves in shops where toilet roll should be. I saw a literal gap in the market, and I also remembered how as a child, the bog roll at school resembled tracing paper which was mildly painful to use, but there was no sensible alternative. I put two and two together and thought, with a half-hearted advertising campaign aimed at people with nothing to wipe their arses with, we could be selling our wares like there’s no tomorrow. Which mirrors the outlook of these bloodthirsty shoppers.”

TDJJ: “Ah yes, I remember using that stuff at primary school. Very uncomfortable.”

TR: “But it was either using that or using your sleeve. I’m hoping that despite the ongoing toilet roll drought, people are still civilised enough not to use their clothing when finishing up their business.”

TDJJ: “I don’t think we’re that feral yet. I can see the logic of tracing paper being a moderately agreeable substitute.”

TR: “Yes, and I’m also hoping that the parents out there, or basically anyone over 30 having nostalgia for this kind of stuff, like they do for certain films and music they remember as a child. Pink custard, that kind of thing.”

TDJJ: “So your advertising campaign is going to be aimed towards people who grew up in the 80s and 90s?”

TR: “Precisely, then those people would influence their kids or other children into doing the same, making it sound cool and retro. Happy memories passing from generation to generation.”

TDJJ: “With all the panicking happening right now, and no signs of it abating any time soon, how are you going to make sure that your campaign is going to have maximum effect in such a short amount of time?”

TR: “While it’s true about there being no end in sight, we’re keenly aware that this could change any day, depending on the daily scare stories. We’re confidently going to start advertising on the usual social media outlets, primarily Twitter. When these people are looking for the next shops to fight in over shortages, that’s where our adverts will be.”

TDJJ: “Have you secured any older celebrities from back in the day to help your advertising? I hear a lot of them are quite cheap to use.”

TR: “Yeah, we’ve got a couple of people from Grange Hill and we’re using the original theme tune. Also, we’ve used de-ageing CGI on David Hasselhoff to make him look like he did on Knight Rider, which was a partial success. Sadly, we had to cheat on the reconstructions when showing kids using our tracing paper, as no modern children have 80s hair so we had to employ wigs.”

TDJJ: “And have you thought of a catchy slogan?”

TR: “We’re working on it. We’re struggling to come up with something that rhymes with Spandau Ballet, while making sure it makes sense within the context of our campaign. Anyone out there with suggestions please get in touch, time is of the essence.”

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DISILLUSIONED CHILD MAKES UP OWN IMPRACTICAL MARTIAL ART AFTER QUITTING ESTABLISHED ONE

By Resident Kung Fu Master Cedric Hwoarang

The art of fighting was established millions of years ago, probably starting when man first walked the earth, with cave paintings depicting scraps between cavemen, usually with one of them trying to impress their girlfriend. Over time, various fighting disciplines were established through the years, which became known as martial arts, and began being taught around the world. Cut to the present day, and many of these fighting styles are still around, with their philosophies, grading and ways of impressing girlfriends remaining intact. However, an 11 year old lad from Uttoxeter in Staffordshire, Bruce Norris, has recently quit his Shotokan karate lessons, as he feels that the discipline is impractical in this day and age. He has since begun working on a new fighting style, mainly to mock those who have stuck out the lessons for more than five weeks and have gotten higher belts as a result. I interviewed Mr Norris in his dad’s garage while he goes through a few of his fighting routines.

TDJJ: “Bruce, when did you realise that Shotokan karate wasn’t for you?”

BN: “I saw a pattern forming in the stuff we had to do. The sensei people were showing us how to punch and kick and stuff, and we were then told to do this sequence called a kata or something. This involved walking and punching a few times in a straight line, then turning around and doing it the other way. I never saw the logic, this isn’t how fighting works, but I stuck with it for a bit anyway, thinking it’d get better when you start using weapons. It got to a test day or something, and we had to do the kata thing, and I kept “failing” and had to keep doing it again and again. After the fourth time, I was getting pissed off and gave up, told everyone to fuck off and left.”

TDJJ: “I don’t know much about combat sports, but this kata thing might be something to teach you discipline in some way.”

BN: “But it wouldn’t work in a fight! There were times in the lessons where we’d get in a circle and a couple of people had a karate fight, but none of them were doing a kata, they were fighting like you see in films, but not quite as good.”

TDJJ: “Don’t they tell you that you can’t use your martial arts outside of the lessons?”

BN: “Yeah, that’s another thing. You learn all this stuff, and probably some death moves as well when you’re a black belt, but you’re not allowed to use them in the playground? What if the other kid had a knife? Why would I be only allowed to use regular shit in that situation, when I have all these special moves at my disposal? I don’t watch it any more, but the Ninja Turtles would be shit if they were restricted in the same way.”

TDJJ: “Did you consider learning any other forms of fighting at all?”

BN: “I looked at a few others on the internet, but they looked very basic for me. Thing is, I don’t have the patience to get to a point where they’d eventually teach you the stuff you see in films. I want to know how to fight like they do in The Raid 1 and 2 and Bloodsport now!”

TDJJ: “Despite these frustrations, you’ve been inspired enough to start creating your own martial art in response. How’s that been progressing?”

BN: “It’s going all right. Not got a name for it yet, but it’s not got any bits where you have to walk in a line. That’s asking for trouble when fighting some kid because he’s got a shit coat on. There’s a bit of dancing to confuse the opponent, and also moves to make the other kid think you’re hurt. He’ll then come forward with his guard down all confident and you just kick and punch the dick until he’s fucked on the floor. You’re also gonna be able to use weapons. Why wouldn’t you use a loose paving stone, as long as you can lift it? Or a broken bottle? Remember, they’d do the same to you.”

TDJJ: “Sound like you’ve been thinking a lot about this. Have you given much thought about an end game for yourself?”

BN: “What?”

TDJJ: “I mean, what are your future plans? Is there a goal that you’re working towards?”

BN: “I’m gonna perfect my martial art first then get a few mates, like Nash and Kev, and get together and come up with a menacing name to call our gang, and probably decide on wearing black karate suits. I’ll then train up other kids until there’s about 20 of us, then walk into the Shotokan place as a gang and challenge them to a fight.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel you’d get to a point where you could fight someone who’s a black belt? I imagine they‘d be pretty good.”

BN: “Yeah, I’d do it next week if it was just me. It’s just that all his mates would join in when I’m winning, and I’d need people with me that are similarly skilled in my fighting style to back me up. The karate people might be able to kick and punch faster than me, but can they dodge house bricks? Possibly, for a bit, but we’re going to bring loads of them. One of them’s bound to hit, isn’t it? That’ll be one of the many advantages of my martial art over theirs. Plus, all the black belts there are all proper old.”

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FORTHRIGHT COUNCIL EMPLOYEE DEFIES SUPERIORS, MOVES FORWARD WITH REFUSE SOLUTION AND E.T. HYPOTHESIS

By Rubbish Correspondent Frank Discourse

If you watch any documentary about Earth, or have seen any sci fi film where aliens come to visit our planet and air their views on what they see, one thing that is always made certain – that humankind are killing the planet, we don’t recycle properly and it’s only a matter of time before we drown in our own filth. Either that or futuristic cyborgs overthrow us and we then go the same way as the dinosaurs. But one council employee from Slough believes he has the perfect hypothesis to not only stop our slow march to oblivion, but to also reverse the damage already done. 62-year old Barry Watchskies has been working for Slough Council for three years as a Site Recycling Assistant, and quickly made his name for making radical decisions about how things could be done better. His latest idea was initially criticised within his own department, but he’s since sent an email to U.S. Government Agency NASA, such is his confidence with his proposal. I interviewed Mr Watchskies in his local pub during his dinner break, to find out how this situation is progressing.

TDJJ: “Mr Watchskies, I’m potentially only the third person to read your proposal, including yourself, and I believe if NASA take your plan on board, this will be truly be world saving. So for the benefit of everyone out there, can you sum up your plan?”

BW: “Well, I’ll admit that the idea has already been shut down for various reasons in the past, but I reckon we should somehow fire all the Earth’s rubbish into space instead of further polluting the very surface of where we walk. I get the scepticism, but with almost daily news about life being found on other planets, who’s to say that the aliens won’t like what we’re sending up? It might be food for them. Literally food for thought.”

TDJJ: “Interesting theory. You sound like you know the reasons why this hasn’t been put in place before: the astronomical costs, the issue of how to actually transport it all, gravity itself…”

BW: “I get all that, but surely we need to move forward before it’s too late. What’s more important – survival of the human race or saving a bit of cash? We’ll be saving all the animals as well. I for one like having pets. It’s worth a go if you ask me.”

TDJJ: “How did you come up with this plan including aliens?”

BW: “I woke up from a dream one night last week. I’d been watching Superman IV a few times and drinking heavily earlier that day. The film’s not very good, but it goes on about Superman throwing nuclear weapons into space. I know we don’t have anyone with his ability on Earth in order to do that, but it got me thinking: what if we use rockets to throw a few batches of trash up there? Kind of like throwing bait into a river when fishing? Then just wait and see what aliens pick up the scent. The law of averages dictate that we’re not alone in this universe, there must be a race of beings out there who would find use in old mattresses, broken crockery and mouldy fish.”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing you’d have trackers on all the rubbish?”

BW: “Exactly, as well as cameras. Then all we’ve got to do is follow the co-ordinates, then transport the whole lot to them on a weekly basis, say every Friday. Plus there’d be a point in the aggressive expansion of the operation where we could then start on the contents of current landfills.”

TDJJ: “And you were laughed at by the colleague you first told?”

BW: “Yeah, he couldn’t believe that I’d spent all night thinking about it. But I’m used to having people doubt my ideas of improving the planet. My proposal for making everyone own a goat, in order to allow it to eat their trash was also dismissed. But goats will eat anything, so long as you don’t give it anything else to do. But this idea is definitely going to work. That’s why I emailed NASA, such is my faith in the idea. I’m no scientist or good at maths, but I’m sure they could do something with this. All I ask for is recognition and an asteroid to be named after me.”

TDJJ: “Have you heard anything back yet?”

BW: “No, but I remain hopeful. I’m guessing they’re very busy with making new discoveries in space, things that are currently unfathomable to our feeble human minds.”

TDJJ: “What would you do if they also dismiss your hypothesis, or not respond at all?”

BW: “I’m confident they’d get round to answer. This is right up their street, it’s what they get paid for. Listen, I couldn’t possibly understand the motivations of a completely different species not from this Earth, I got shit grades at school, but these people are scientists and everything!”

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WRESTLING TITLE WINNER STRIPPED OF BELT DUE TO INTERFERENCE FROM THE OTHER SIDE

By Supernatural Grappling Correspondent Sid “Crazed” Integrity

The recent wrestling title fight that took place at a community centre in Kirkburton, Huddersfield between Ronald “Mean Bean” Horsefist and Vinny “E-I-E-I” O’ Farm, has been controversially declared a no-contest. The match was won by Mr O’ Farm via his finishing move The Cattle Clutch, a variant of the Full Nelson. Once Mr Horsefist tapped out, the crowd went wild as Mr O’ Farm held aloft the much sought after WWKH Championship belt above his head, fulfilling a life long dream. However, his post-fight interview aroused suspicion as the new champion explained that he felt his ancestors in there helping him. The video of the fight was then studied, and the resulting decision to strip Mr O’ Farm of the title was made as there was indeed a few faintly visible figures in the ring with him. I interviewed Mr O’ Farm in his trailer on a supermarket car park, to find out his opinions in light of these events.

TDJJ: “Mr O’ Farm, I appreciate that you’re still furious with this decision, but can you understand why it was made?”

VO’F: “The thing I don’t get, I know the WWKH rules about getting illegal help in the ring. Basically, you can’t have anyone in the ring illegally to influence the fight. That’s an automatic disqualification for the wrestler being helped, and the fight is deemed a no-contest. Says nothing about ghosts in there.”

TDJJ: “Have you seen the video of the fight?”

VO’F: “Yes, I insisted. The video’s a bit blurry and shaky to be honest. It was filmed by some bloke in the crowd on his phone. But, yeah, you can just about make out three spooky figures in there, visibly phasing in and out as the match wore on.”

TDJJ: “And you confirmed that these were ghosts of your ancestors?”

VO’F: “Well, I couldn’t deny it to be honest. My Great Granddad, Grandad and dad all wrestled in distinctive luminous yellow and pink singlets, like myself, so when they showed up on the video, you could’ve knocked me down with a feather.”

TDJJ: “Incidentally, no one in the community centre, not even Mr Horsefist, said they saw any paranormal activity in there. You mentioned that you could feel their help, but couldn’t you see them in the ring yourself?”

VO’F: “No, I was in the zone, too focused on the dangerous opponent in front of me. I never believed in ghosts or things like that anyway, I thought all that stuff sounded a bit silly. But this changed everything.”

TDJJ: “According to WWKH officials, after reviewing the footage, there was a moment near the end when Mr Horsefist suddenly fell to the mat shortly after the top rope appeared to bend on its own. Video analysts said that an almost see through man had clotheslined him, thus allowing you to put him in your Cattle Clutch move to win the match. This was the main indication that some foul play was afoot. What did you make of Mr Horsefist’s sudden fall near the end?”

VO’F: “I know he’s got a history of heart issues, he is pushing 80 after all, so I just felt that he was having another one of his turns. But either way, no one gets out of…THE CATTLE CLUTCH!”

TDJJ: “I don’t think now’s a good time for your gloating, he’s only just been taken out of intensive care, there’s still a way for him to go yet. Were you aware that WWKH are now reviewing a lot of your older matches, to see if there’s any similar foul play?”

VO’F: “They did make me aware, and now I’m concerned that people will view me as a fraud, that I had somehow conjured up my dead relatives to gain unfair advantages, which is downright ludicrous. As I said, I didn’t think all that stuff even existed.”

TDJJ: “There’s been renewed interest in the documentary on your late father, Donnie “Duck” O’ Farm, particularly his relationship with you, as he was always telling you that you’d be a champion like him and the others in your family. Do you think that they came back out of frustration, as it took you over 40 years to finally win the title?”

VO’F: “I hope not. I felt as thought I’d win the fight anyway, as by that time Ronald was wheezing and clutching his heart in between all the fake punching and moonsaults. Listen, I’ve been in this wrestling game for almost 60 years now, loyal to the Huddersfield Community Centre whenever they held these tournaments. I could’ve gone to the bigger promotions in America, but I kept to my roots to honour my family. They should keep out of my business, they’ve had their time.”

TDJJ: “If the enquiry shows that you qualified for the title fight on your own merit, would you give Mr Horsefist a rematch? He’s called you out on a video he made on his hospital bed.”

VO’F: “Yeah, and it’ll go the same way, ghosts or no ghosts. I know you’re reading this, Horsefist, you’re gonna feel pain. When we meet in the ring again, I’m gonna make sure everyone sees that is wasn’t a lucky clothesline. I’m too strong, too fast, too handsome for you. And remember, no one gets out of…THE CATTLE CLUTCH!”

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R&B SINGER TO RELEASE NEW ALBUM WITH ALL SONGS BEING SEQUELS TO HER 2007 CLASSIC TRACK

By Resident Useful Object Expert Lenny Cigbreak

It’s taken her 13 years for her to complete it, but R&B star Rihanna has finally finished working on her new album, Useful Shiznit, in which all the tracks are sequels or “companion pieces” to her 2007 classic Umbrella. The song itself has been regarding as her signature hit, with many people thinking she was just singing about an umbrella for some reason. However, she did make several statements at the time about the real meaning behind the song – it’s about relationships or something – but no one really believed her, and some of her fans even called her out for trying to be too clever. Resigned to the fact that everyone preferred to view the song as an ode to rainfall protection equipment, she in turn changed direction a bit with her music. And that was that, until this news of her album that’s full of songs about other helpful objects. I interviewed Rihanna outside the gates to her mansion, as the button to open the gates was broken, and I wasn’t prepared to climb them as they had barbed wire everywhere to stop paparazzi and lawyers. Her mansion is set back quite far, and I had to yell my questions, and she had to shout back the responses. So for added authenticity, read this interview very loudly.

TDJJ: “Rihanna, since your song about an umbrella, you’ve branched out slightly with your other music, and your career has gone from strength to strength. What are the reasons behind your decision to make this new album full of sequels?”

R: “It’s one of my biggest hits, and I’ve since accepted that people took it as face value. I feel it’s layered with other meanings, but you’ve got to listen to your fans, you know? Over time, I’ve toyed with the idea of doing songs namechecking other useful items, but I couldn’t figure out how they’d fit in to my usual tracks about relationships and that. I didn’t want people thinking I was coming across as pretentious again. So, I thought ‘bugger it’ and decided to make a whole album about items around the house that I use on a regular basis.”

TDJJ: “I notice there’s a track actually called Umbrella II. That’s pretty cool, though it does sound like a very dull action film. Was that your intention?”

R: “Actually, yeah. My people are currently in talks in Hollywood to get a movie franchise off the ground with this idea. I’ve been in a few films like that boat one, so I’m gonna be the main star using my umbrella in ways that some consider to be unnatural. I’m planning this song to be in the sequel.”

TDJJ: “I thought you were going to say ‘Using my umbrella-ella-ella hey’ just then.”

R: “What? Sorry, I didn’t get that.”

TDJJ: “I said, I thought you were going to say ‘Using my umbrella-ella-ella hey’ just then! You know, like as a joke?”

R: “Yeah, it’s about me and an umbrella hitting bad guys.”

TDJJ: “Never mind. Do you plan on releasing all the tracks on the album, based on the strength of them being directly connected to Umbrella?”

R: “Yeah, most definitely. My next song is called Blender. It’s about my blender. You heard that here first, you got an exclusive!”

TDJJ: “Thanks. We at The Daily JabJab really need some publicity. Have you decided to write the songs with any extra layers, can any of the lyrics be interpreted in any other way?”

R: “No. And you know what? I’ve felt liberated by that. All I had to do was get 12 of my favourite household items, make a list about why I like them, then just get some of the words to rhyme. Simple, yet effective.”

TDJJ: “So, the tracks ‘Bucket’, ‘Towels’, Hair Dryer’, ‘Sewing Machine’, ‘Wok’, ‘Flowery Cushion’ and all the others have no hidden depth to them?”

R: “They don’t, and I’m not bothered about all the poor reviews out there. My fans will buy the album. Some of the items I’ve made a song about are very popular with them, maybe even resonate strongly. I mean, who doesn’t love the versatility of buckets?”

Useful Shiznit will be released in two weeks, available from many websites and all remaining stores that still sell CDs.

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OUTRAGE OF ALMOST WHOLE WORLD AS REASON FOR INCREASING SALES OF HANDCARTS REVEALED

By Resident Afterlife Solutions Expert Dante Cypher

Recent revelations concerning a sudden spike in handcart sales has been met with almost universal condemnation. Word has got out that the non-physical realm, Hell, has recently invested heavily in renovations and restorations, which in turn has seen the place for the eternally damned being a more desirable place to end up. Calls have been made for hard hitting newspaper columnists to wade in on the debate – after all, a lot of them like to use the “Hell in a handcart” phrase to make a point where they see a part of society getting increasingly worse. But it seems that even these media types are rallying together with everyone else on the controversial clean up of Hell’s image. I interviewed a denizen of Hell, the demon Asmodeus Askwith who’s speaking on behalf of Satan, as he wants to set things straight on this whole situation. We resolved to meet in Purgatory, about mid way between Earth and Hell, more or less.

TDJJ: “Since this news hit Earth, there was a lot of initial confusion as to why such a place like Hell, with the kind of people who dwell there, needs any kind of makeover. Can you explain why the renovations took place?”

AA: “You’ve got to understand, no matter what belief system you may follow, everyone knows that the place is very old. We had a lot of leaking issues and rising damp in some of the rooms, and this was affecting the heating. After all, we’re famous for our firey interior. Satan finally decided to do something about it, he was getting sick of the dripping noises he could hear coming from his bathroom. So, yeah, that’s the main reason. Plus, he felt that the place could do with a new lick of paint.”

TDJJ: “Is there any truth in the news that more vending machines were installed in the communal areas? This point has really got a lot of people’s back up, if it’s true.”

AA: “I know, I read some of the outspoken views in the British press. So hostile. Yes, we did get some more, but we got a good deal with them. We’d actually make a profit with them after five years, even if we keep the prices of the cans of pop the same.”

TDJJ: “What do you say to the claims that Hell now sounds more like a holiday camp?”

AA: “It’s a bit unfair. Listen, we’re still going to punish the despicable dicks, malevolent maniacs and right bastards in the same way as before, we’re not going soft. And we’re still on the lookout for more of these absolutely atrocious arseholes coming through to our realm, our punishment policy hasn’t altered. Plus, the security is as tight as ever, we’ll still discipline those who try and make a break for Limbo in the same way.”

TDJJ: “And what about the rumours about having an underhand interest in the increase of handcart sales?”

AA: “We’ve been made aware of the phrase that posits the need for a handcart in order to enter Hell. It’s a bit more complicated than that. To be honest, the handcart is neither here nor there. We have nothing to do with these sales, but I’m sure the manufacturers are rubbing their hands with glee, it seems they can name their price.”

TDJJ: “But there’s a lot of people now wanting to visit the place, and they see committing heinous crimes being the way forward when they die. Does Satan feel any responsibility about a possible future where Earth becomes a breeding ground for evil?”

AA: “As I mentioned earlier, their eternal suffering is still going to be the plan when people end up here. All we’ve done is spruce up the place a bit. By the sounds of it, there’s too many people on Earth believing every ignorant, uninformed word they read. They’ll realise after just two minutes of getting their innards sawn in half that we mean business.”

TDJJ: “Finally, you say that your torture methods will remain unchanged, but is there any change in the criteria for getting here?”

AA: “No, not really, it’s still the same old sins. Though we’ll still decide on a case by case basis whenever it feels necessary. Basically, if you don’t want to end up getting your eyelids and nails bitten off slowly by cacodemons, or don’t fancy the idea of being continuously subjected to Les Dawson style piano playing, stay out of trouble!”

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LOSER OF ANTICIPATED SCHOOL FIGHT REFUSES TO GIVE MEASURED ASSESSMENT ON HOW THE BETTER KID WON

By Resident Juvenile Fight Expert Buster Gaylord

Ever since their previous fight a year ago was broken up by a couple of teachers in a science lesson, schoolchildren at Spinning Birdkick High School in Wombourne, South Staffordshire had been eagerly waiting for a rematch between the two combatants. It was widely believed that 13-year old Edwin Shed was winning the fight before Mr Mangel, the science teacher stepped in. But friends of the other kid, Wozza Ramsey, claimed that he was winning because he used his satchel more effectively. The second fight finally took place in the dinner hall last week, after weeks of questioning each other’s sexuality, and bringing their respective mums into the argument. Edwin soundly leathered his foe using numerous chairs, walked away with a popular girl, and the argument seemed to have ended there. But things took a turn for the bizarre, as Wozza has since failed to turn up at school, but has posted a few barely comprehensible shouted videos on his Facebook page, which has only made things worse for him. I interviewed Wozza’s best friend Ian Seeds, who’s the only one who’s spoken to him since the defeat.

TDJJ: “So, Ian, what was your assessment of the fight?”

IS: “Edwin’s a dick, we said nothing about using chairs, it wasn’t properly done.”

TDJJ: “But Wozza used one first, you can see that on the replay. Also, according to one of his videos before the fight, Wozza said there’s no rules, anything goes in the fight.”

IS: “Whatever. Wozza’s not scared of anyone!”

TDJJ: “Okay. He fled the school straight after the fight, crying, and hasn’t been back since. What do you make of the videos he’s posted, of the many excuses he’s made for the loss?”

IS: “You don’t know what it’s like to be the hardest in the year, lose a fight unfairly, then realise that loads of things were against you afterwards. Have you even been to school?”

TDJJ: “I’ve actually been to University. Got a degree.”

IS: “Yeah, a degree in your mum’s gay!”

TDJJ: “Can we keep this civil, please? I was referring to the reasons that Wozza claims made him lose the fight. For instance, his bag was heavier than usual that day, had to carry it for ages, which hurt his legs. Wasn’t he planning to use it against Edwin as it was loaded with several big text books?”

IS: “Well, yeah, but it also had his own work in as well. He did loads of writing in English that morning, so I believe him about the extra ink in his exercise book weighing him down.”

TDJJ: “And what about his new trousers not having the same stretchiness than the ones he usually wears?”

IS: “He’s a black belt in martial arts, regularly knocks out the sensei, he’s told us all this several times. He’s used to having the ability to roundhouse younger kids at school and do drop kicks. This was the reason he wasn’t as agile.”

TDJJ: “According to a group of girls in your class who’ve since stopped believing Wozza’s fanciful claims, he’s lost his last few fights and has reacted in very similar ways. Do you think this latest defeat tarnishes his reputation even more? Surely Edwin now holds the esteemed title of Hardest Kid In School doesn’t he?”

IS: “Yeah but Wozza made his fearsome reputation by kicking the shit out of the weak kids, ones with glasses and fat bastards, or ones who are just weird. He even threatened a few of the supply teachers and Miss Juniper, who’s gay as fuck. He knows how to scrap, he’ll be back.”

TDJJ: “But what about his many previous excuses? That group of girls told me that one of them made him cry after a brief scuffle. Wozza said he had multiple operations the day before on his armpit where the girl hit him, but there was no medical evidence to back this up. Do you think his continued unsubstantiated claims are why no one takes him seriously any more?”

I ended the interview there as the response wasn’t articulated in a professional conduct. Ian said he knew where I lived and that his dad and many uncles, who are all over six foot five, will be round and everything to destroy me. The resulting murder will then be posted on the usual social media outlets as a warning to the police and Edwin, and then Wozza will call me a gay. Then it was suggested that I should fuck off several times. So, I left with that information. Not because I was scared, obviously.

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CARING DAD HEADING FOR JAIL AS HIS PERCEIVED LEGAL LOOPHOLE THEORY PROVED BASELESS

By Legal Correspondent Hector Heckle-Jeckle

There are certain laws and loopholes, that for better or worse are exploited by a great many UK citizens, whether it’s skimming money from tills as a supermarket employee, or not indicating on every turn while driving. The people who commit these misdemeanours are fairly safe in their mind that they’d get away with it because of lack of policing, and that it’s not the end of the world if a few quid goes missing or some drivers get momentarily inconvenienced because a car in front didn’t tell them where they’re going. 28-year old Will Toucan, from Lincoln, is one such person who thought that he could get away with a crime, in his case robbery, using a system which led him to believe was a loophole. But like every single crime ever committed, it didn’t pay off, as he got reckless and thought he was untouchable. Mr Toucan is due to serve five years in prison, and he phoned our offices and asked for an interview with The Daily JabJab. I took that call.

TDJJ: “What made you call us up using your one phone call while under arrest?”

WT: “Well, no one in my family are talking to me now, and the missus definitely doesn’t want anything to do with me after what happened. I saw your office across the road when being driven to the cop station, so I thought I’d call up and give my side of the story.”

TDJJ: “So you’re going down for five years for a series of robberies in the local town centre. Can you explain what your method was, and why you thought it was a loophole?”

WT: “I’ve got twin daughters, they’re nearly three, and I use a double buggy when out and about with the missus. One day, we went into the Pound shop for some toys. One of them really likes these dolls that shits slime, they’re advertised a lot on kids TV. They didn’t have any that day so we left to get my phone fixed because I dropped it while scaffolding. It was only when we got home when I noticed there were loads of imitation Lego sets shoved under the pram. They both owned up to doing it. It was too late to go back and return them, so we just kept them instead. This got me thinking, and the following day I tested my theory out and it worked. And the rest is history.”

TDJJ: “So you felt by having the double buggy, it meant that you had sufficient cover when you were shoplifting?”

WT: “Exactly. I know there’s cameras everywhere, but after the fifth time, I realised that a man with a double buggy looks less likely to do such things, that I looked so responsible. And if Shirley’s reading this, I am responsible, neither of them got hurt or anything!”

TDJJ: “I’m not sure she’ll be reading. We’re quite small fry.”

WT: “But you have an office. And you wear glasses.”

TDJJ: “I’m not sure– okay, doesn’t matter. Getting back to your story, were you targeting any particular items or shops?”

WT: “I didn’t really have a plan to begin with, it was mainly sweets, pies and plastic bracelets for the little ‘uns. See, I’m responsible! But then I made a list, just a few things that I’d definitely buy if I had the money. Since I was laid off, it’s been tough money-wise. Discovering this loophole was like striking oil or something.”

TDJJ: “But it wasn’t a loophole, I’m sure that was explained to you enough times. What made you believe it was?”

WT: “Well, you hear about cutbacks in the police, that they’re all having to prioritise, going for the real criminals, like my mate who’s a hacker and someone else I know who sets road signs on fire. Plus all that paperwork involved, especially when there’s kids involved. As I say, neither of them came to any harm! I was simply providing for my family, that was my only intention.”

TDJJ: “When you ran away from a gadget shop with a £5,000 drone propped on top of the double buggy, and you then proceeded to spin in a circle before falling down, how was that providing for your family?”

WT: “I really wanted a drone. A decent one, one that could chase the cat and maybe carry it for a bit. I reckon we’d all find that funny, so it was for them if you think about it. It was busy when I ran out of the shop, I got confused because of the few cans I’d drunk earlier. I lost my balance and fell on the hard concrete. Luckily some cops were nearby, and I was man enough to admit that I was running too fast in a public place, especially with two children, and promised I’d never do it again. I explained my intention with the drone, that it’s for their entertainment, and I’d definitely pay for it if I could. Unfortunately they didn’t acknowledge my caring ways. Phone calls were made, and Shirley came to take the kids away, despite my loud pleading.”

TDJJ: “And now here you are, waiting to start your sentence. If Shirley was to read this interview, we’ll make some enquiries, what would you tell her?”

WT: “Everyone’s got it wrong. I’m a likeable guy, I’m not like other criminals who do crimes for selfish reasons. If only that drone was cheaper. I still wouldn’t be able to afford it, but they wouldn’t have cared as much if it was about £50 or something. The economy’s to blame, not me!”

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WOMAN FINALLY STOPS WATCHING FILM CONTINUOUSLY, LEARNS THAT SHE BROKE RECORD YEARS AGO

By Animated Correspondent Liu Kangaroo

An unemployed woman from Luton has finally stopped watching the 1994 Disney classic The Lion King on a continuous loop, just over 25 years since she first started. Caroline Ursine, 44, begun the marathon binge watch way back in 1995 while she was drunk, at a time when VHS was the video format of choice. She got people to get her replacement tapes, then DVDs of the film, right up to a couple of years ago when she updated to Blu Ray, in order to continue this record breaking feat. Miss Ursine admits she stopped counting the amount of copies of the film she wore out when she reached one thousand, and the TVs she watched the film on were also upgraded as time went on. But despite this amazing achievement, she’s had to make a few sacrifices along the way, and warned anyone out there who might be influenced by her endurance, that it might not be worth the amount of heartbreak she’s suffered throughout. I interviewed Miss Ursine at her flat, which she’s slowly getting round to dusting after all this time.

TDJJ: “Miss Ursine, just want to congratulate you on breaking this record. What made you start on this quest, and when did you know you had broken it?”

CU: “I actually didn’t start watching the film to break the record, I was getting drunk with a few friends at my house one night and I usually get emotional and cry after a few bottles. When the Circle of Life song came on, I bawled my eyes out and just got into it, putting the film on again and again. I only recently found out that the record for watching the Lion King over and over was previously held by some kid in Ohio, which was six times in a row, just under 9 hours. So yeah, I smashed it.”

TDJJ: “How did you adapt your sleeping pattern and day to day life during this time? What parameters did you set yourself?”

CU: “Well, the general consensus dictates that, in order to watch the film, and not to just have it playing in the background, is to keep at least 95% of eye contact on the screen during the film’s running time. I taught myself to have micro sleeps at half hour intervals. It sounds like a lot of trouble, but you get used to it. I also quickly realised that I had to get a second video player, TV and VHS copy set up, so I could truly watch it without waiting for the film to rewind when it finished. At the time I started I worked full time at a discount store around the corner. They were very understanding and even installed a till and some shelves of toiletries in the living room so I could still do my job. But over time, this set up put a strain on my private life, and my choice to continue watching the film started to alienate friends and family.”

TDJJ: “I can only imagine the difficulties for all concerned. But despite all this, you still managed to give birth three times and get married and divorced twice. That’s quite an eventful life for people who haven’t been watching The Lion King for over half their existence.”

CU: “Thanks. But I’d still warn people over doing this themselves. I’m the first to admit that my attention towards my ex husbands wasn’t exactly the best. It got easier when I was given some portable DVD players for Christmas one year, so I could leave the house, but I could tell Chas and Chaka didn’t enjoy their respective honeymoons that much. But I’m sure, if they look back at my determination during these difficult times, they’d be happy for me now that I’ve annihilated the previous record.”

TDJJ: “You also lost your job during this marathon binge watch, and your kids were taken away due to negligence. Was there any point in which you doubted yourself, that your sacrifices were getting too much and thought about ending this epic feat before you finally did, for the greater good?”

CU: “Yes, there were times when I could tell that my lifestyle choice was getting in the way of everything else, but I couldn’t allow myself to dwell on things too much, because of the whole 95% eye contact on the screen rule that I mentioned earlier. Yes, my kids were taken off me, the marriages broke down and I was fired for taking from the till. But I’m a local celebrity because of this, and men like the idea of banging famous women, so I had no shortage of people willing to go out and getting me more TVs, DVD players and copies of the film, so I could continue my marathon run. So it’s swings and roundabouts, really.”

TDJJ: “I read the reason that you finally stopped was because you wanted to watch the recent remake. What did you think of the new version?”

CU: “I couldn’t go to see it at the cinema, I was thrown out even though I explained the reason I had to keep watching the original. So I had to wait for it to come out on Blu Ray. To be honest, I put off watching it as a few people told me that it wasn’t as good. I did like the new graphics, but no, I much prefer the cartoon one.”

TDJJ: “There’s a story about a woman in Romford planning a similar record attempt for watching Notting Hill back to back. The record for that film stands at just over three days. What advice would you give to her?”

CU: “If she feels she must do this, I’d tell her to start watching it in the kitchen so you always have food and drink close by, and keep shopping bags within reach for hygiene reasons. When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. Nipping to the actual toilet is out of the question.”

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SUPER VILLAIN INCREDULOUS OVER STORY OF HOW LOCAL HERO FOUND OUT HIS WHEREABOUTS

By Resident Fictional Story Expert Harold Alloallo

A disgraced scientist from Cambridge, 50-year old Eric Ernieson, had a plan to take over the world in a very implausible manner, but he was apparently scuppered last week in an equally implausible manner. According to reports, Mr Ernieson was involved in a science experiment in which resulted in him turning into a giant wooden marionette without the need for strings. It was thought that he then decided, possibly due to his new form, that everyone should be marionettes without the need for strings, and then they’d see him as their creator and bow down to him, and thus he would rule the world. However a local youth, who has a reputation of fighting crime in scuba diving gear and calling himself ScubaDoo, found the stringless marionetted Mr Ernieson in his lair. ScubaDoo, who’s real identity isn’t known, then explained to the scientist how he found him, then had him arrested and put into the town’s asylum. Since then Mr Ernieson, who is unable to change back to to his human form, still can’t believe the chain of events that led ScubaDoo to him. I interviewed Mr Ernieson to get more information.

TDJJ: “Thanks for granting me this interview. It’s a bit cold in here isn’t it?”

EE: “They need to keep the temperature as low as this because I kept bursting into flames as I’m completely wooden now.”

TDJJ: “Is there no way of reversing this?”

EE: “I have a few ideas, but to be honest after a week of being in this form I’m kind of okay with it. I’m sure this sounds unorthodox but your puny mind couldn’t possibly comprehend my supreme intellect.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, you’re a scientist and I’m not. I’m not made of wood either. But I didn’t come here to argue.”

EE: “I’m just practising my villain speeches for when I get my hands on ScubaDoo!”

TDJJ: “So, how did he explain things to you? I could only find out about an underground train. Which in itself sounds ridiculous.”

EE: “He said he was frustrated one night, he had a falling out with his girlfriend over a sandwich. Go figure. Anyway, this led him to throw his calculator on the floor, which broke and revealed some rare coins, which led him down the sewers because of something his dad told him years earlier because the coins were his. Then that underground train came up though the sewer floor after he guessed a series of button presses on a Cold War era console. The train doors opened, and he saw a computer somehow set up with a YouTube video of his dad from years ago, who then gave him some quiz show style vague puzzles in order to find my lair. Something like that any way.”

TDJJ: “He told you all that?”

EE: “Over coffee, yes.”

TDJJ: “I…I Can’t… what?”

EE: “I know, complete bollocks isn’t it? I did some research on ScubaDoo, he usually goes after low level thugs and pimps, people who rob newsagents. There’s no real master plan into capturing those kinds of miscreants. This is completely out of character for him.”

TDJJ: “Do you think he worked with someone else on this?”

EE: “That’s just not how he is, he’s fiercely protective over his identity, a bit like Banksy. Even his girlfriend doesn’t know his secret. He works alone, but there’s got to be another way how he found me. I call BS on his story. Listen, if you made a film with this as a plan, no one would believe it.”

TDJJ: “But however he did find your lair, and you ended up in here as a result. Do you think, given that you had a hand in his dad’s murder all those years ago, that he concocted such a silly story for you to explain to the cops to make you sound suitably insane, in order to get his revenge?”

EE: “Maybe, now I think about it. What are the odds that his story could actually take place given real world logic? My marionette state doesn’t help my case, but once I’m out, I’ll revenge the shit out of him.”

TDJJ: “I see the police have said they found your plans at your destroyed lab for making everyone in the world into your image. Was this always your plan, before you became all wood?”

EE: “As far as I can recall. You see, I was fired for my unnatural thinking. They told me that my methods weren’t plausible or practical in society. But who’s laughing now? I made it happen! I’m entirely wooden. My eyes look a bit creepy, but I’ve proved to the world that humans, with all their complexity, can be turned into a completely different material! The fools!”

Me Ernieson started to cackle and look at his outstretched hands in front of his eyes. A few guards then rushed in and shot tranquillisers at him to shut him up. Apparently, he makes similar speeches to himself every 20 minutes, and frankly they’re fed up with it.

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SONY ‘S SURPRISE PLANS FOR NEW CONSOLE GIVES THEM CONFIDENCE

By Video Game Correspondent Dex Threesixty

This year will see the release of the next games consoles from both Sony and Microsoft. There’s been a lot of speculation with what the consoles would be capable of, what games might come out, and the price points they’d retail at. Each passing day has been a game of one-upmanship from the two companies, and it looked as though the new console from Microsoft, the Xbox Series X, has been seen as the more powerful of the two. But recently there’s been rumours that Sony have gone back to the drawing board in response. I spoke with Sony executive Larry Combination in his office, to see if he is willing to talk further on these rumours.

TDJJ: “This is an exciting time for gamers out there, with new consoles on the horizon and all the speculation that goes with it all. Is there any truth in the rumours that you have decided to start from scratch?”

LC: “PS6.”

TDJJ: “What?”

LC: “We’re bypassing the PS5, it’s not as powerful as the other lot’s console. We feel by releasing a truly, truly revolutionary console, the PS6, will seriously put a dent in their plans. And yes, this will win us the console race war thing before it’s even begun.”

TDJJ: “And do you feel that you’d still make the release date that the PS5 had originally?”

LC: “We’re working around the clock to–”

The office door is kicked open. A spokesman for Microsoft, Todd Glacius, ran in and started to hit Mr Combination with a foldable chair while shouting incomprehensibly. After about five minutes of scuffling on the floor, I managed to calm them down. Mr Glacius muttered that he’s sorry, and agreed to sit down to discuss the plans of both companies. Despite the apology, the tension in the air between them is palpable.

TDJJ: “So, Mr Glacius, in a more professional manner, can you give us your response to the proposed PS6?”

TG: “Well, I can’t see how it’d possibly be ready in time. Technology simply isn’t there for such a leap right now.”

LC: “Yes it is. You’re just jealous, you’re going to cry when you go home.”

TG: “No I’m not. In fact, we’re gonna bring out an even better one. The Xbox Series 360 Box One S Ultra Proper Xbox Mega, and it’ll be loads better than your stupid console. Yours is stupid.”

LC: “But I haven’t told you what the PS6 will be capable of, so there! You sound rubbish right now.”

TG: “Right, so our new console that I just said, whatever I called it, will only be compatible with 16K TVs, have a thousand hundred terabytes in the hard drive, and the VR will be so real, right, that people like you would probably poo yourself because it looks so realistic and brilliant!”

LC: “I don’t poo myself! It was one video online, It was a dare. Okay, so we’ll just bring out the PS9 out then. That’ll be 20 times better than what you just said, and people will probably explode because everything will be realer than real life. $349.”

TDJJ: “Right, guys, I think we’ve got a bit too emotional and unrealistic there.”

LC: “He started it!”

TDJJ: “Be that as it may, anyone reading this might be a bit confused with the supposed future plans for your consoles.”

TG: “You’re a dick!”

LC: “No, you’re a dick.”

The two grown men got up and started scrapping again, with Mr Glacius getting Mr Combination in a headlock with his suit pulled over his head. I leave them to it and walk out, surprised with the lack of security. Sony and Microsoft will be releasing some kind of game consoles later this year.

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LINCOLN HUSBAND APPARENTLY STILL NOT FINISHED WITH MOUSE HOUSE PRESERVATION

By Resident DIY Expert “Handy” Sandy Pontypandy

A henpecked husband from Lincoln, Timothy Language, has spent the last three years doing his best to make his house mouse proof. He lived with his wife, Ursula, who’s always been afraid of them. She saw a mouse in the kitchen a few weeks after moving in, and she was adamant that her new husband sorted the problem out. Now, three years later, he finally thought he had finished the job, but Ursula still wasn’t convinced, which led to an argument and him being left to sleep in his car. I spoke with the emotional Mr Language in a well known pub chain, on how he feels he’s wasted the last few years of his life.

TL: “Cheers for meeting up, pal. I’ll be all right after a few more of these. Have you got that £15 for today? It’s just that I’m down to my last twenty now.”

TDJJ: “We’ll sort that out in due course. Now, I can only imagine the frustration and hurt that you must be going through. How much would you say you’ve paid in materials for what you did in your house?”

TL: “Over 20 grand, easy. That’s even after stealing all those pallets from the local timber merchants. I tested everything to see how waterproof it all was, but she still wasn’t happy.”

TDJJ: “Mice are pretty small, though.”

TL: “That’s the problem. When I first started, I was pretty sure that there’d be no way of ever getting rid of mice in the house, proper tiny some of them. Our cat’s a lazy get, does nowt, no use to us. But after a while, I was thinking maybe this’d work, the wood and metal’s pretty solid, after a few layers or so. But of course, she had to find a few fucking gaps, didn’t she?”

TDJJ: “Have you estimated how much wood and metal you’ve used?”

TL: “I don’t know, I stopped counting a long time ago. Basically, the interior of the house is about 35% smaller now. We have to shimmy up and down the drainpipe from the bathroom in order to get in or out. It can get embarrassing when explaining to passers-by and cops about the situation.”

TDJJ: “I’ve read that you’ve had quite a lot of warnings from the police, the neighbours complaining about all the noise you were making through the night, putting everything together.”

TL: “Well, I worked away a lot, long hours, installing wardrobes and other large furniture in posh houses. I wouldn’t get home till about seven, then I had tea, shower, a bit of arguing. It would be about 10pm before I got started. But there was no other way around it. I have to travel all the way to Bristol to see my kid on Sundays as a legal requirement. And Saturday night is quiz night at the local. So, that’s how it had to be back then.”

TDJJ: “And then you lost your job.”

TL: “Well, it was a blessing in disguise really. I had started to actively not use every single bit of wood to make the wardrobes and that. Kept the other bits for myself, to bolster the defences at home. When the complaints started coming through about things falling apart, the gaffer suspected me and to be honest I’m a shit liar. But the sacking gave me a lot more time to sort the house out, though with no money coming in I had no choice but to start taking from local wholesalers.”

TDJJ: “Do you think that you’ll get back on speaking terms with your wife?”

TL: “I don’t know. I’ve been down this road before. My ex who lives in Bristol now had a phobia of pigeons. Scared shitless of them. Now, we had a really big back garden, and she had ordered me to come up with an idea in order to keep them out. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried balancing 35 square foot of chicken wire from a house roof to a couple of trees at the other end of the garden, but it’s a fucking nightmare!”

Timothy suddenly became aware of some cops entering the establishment. He flees out the back door, carefully taking his pint and bag of nuts with him. I explained to the cops that I was a local tradesman and didn’t know him that well. After a night in the cell I was set free, was told that Mr Language was still at large, accused of numerous thefts in the area and embezzlement.

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EXECUTIVE’S CAREER IN TATTERS AS ADVERT IS BANNED FOR MISLEADING CUSTOMER

By Marketing Correspondent Francisco Iguanodon

The advert for Death-U-Win, a company which specializes in life insurance and compensation for family members, has been pulled from television following a single complaint. The banning of the commercial is seen as the last straw for the executive behind the campaign, Melvin Diesel, who reportedly had to be frogmarched out of the Advertising Standard Authority’s headquarters after another one of his infamous stunts. I spoke with Mr Diesel outside his sports car to get his side of the story. We’re stood outside as he’s sure he dropped his keys during the evacuation, and has since been ordered not to contact the ASA again.

TDJJ: “So, Melvin, for the benefit of those who don’t watch TV between three and four in the morning when the advert aired, can you please outline what the complaint was about?”

MD: “Apparently, it’s unrealistic to show people having an in-depth conversation about life insurance whilst eating breakfast, then listing every benefit of applying to Death-U-Win. It took me ages to write that, and we had decent actors. You get a free pen!”

TDJJ: “How do you feel, since been put on probation over the ASA incident, about the ban after just one complaint?”

MD: “They had it in for me. I wrote a great script based on the leaflet the company gave me, but those ASA bastards just can’t accept that I’m still able to secure a regional slot on TV, that I still have power. It’s just jealousy, no doubt about it.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel that repeatedly hitting some of their staff at an awards ceremony before the ban had anything to do with their decision?”

MD: “They were just waiting for me to slip up. I was drunk that night. I had just won an illegal street race about half an hour before I got to the show. I’m entitled to celebrate with my advertising peers, aren’t I? We’re like a family in this industry.”

TDJJ: “I’ll be honest, I had to do a bit of research on your career, I don’t know much about advertising executives. I see that you’ve done similar things when filming all over the world – Brazil, for example.”

MD: “That was an advert for some coffee company. I had the actor read the entire ingredients and I decided to put some samba music on there to make it more exciting. We had a disagreement on set, he thought he saw me trying to steal the massive safe from his house the night before, asked me about it during a break. Luckily I had my knife with me or the fight would’ve been longer.”

TDJJ: “The list goes on, the discretions get more and more outlandish. This, according to the ASA, was your final chance. What are your plans now? You said you’re like a family, the advert executives, but haven’t they blacklisted you now?”

MD: “I’ve got a friend bringing me a crowbar later on. I’m then gonna get in my car and challenge fellow motorists for money, though due to things I’m not allowed out of this town. And I can’t be out later than nine pm.”

TDJJ: “Do you think you’ll you miss advertising?”

MD: “I don’t need it now. Well, not the traditional TV side of it. The thing is, I’m glad you brought up the stuff in Brazil, you reminded me of something. I got a plan…”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing this plan is illegal.”

MD: “The cops who momentarily arrested me in Brazil were a bit too unprofessional in my eyes. I was thinking maybe I can get together a team, some other disgruntled former pillars of society, ex-cops, codebreakers, people like that, go to Brazil and start solving some crimes over there. Maybe bring down Drug barons or something. Then, instead of the cops arresting me as soon as I step foot again on their soil, as I’m sure they’d want to do, we’d form an uneasy alliance as I slowly but surely win their trust, clear my name.”

TDJJ: “Would you want me to include all that information when this interview goes live? That’s your illegal-sounding plan right there.”

MD: “Yeah, bring it on! They can’t stop me from advertising. I’m advertising me! My plans! Me and my plans!”

I end the talk there, thank him for the time. And as you see, his plan has indeed been advertised. But by me. I walk off leaving him there, waiting for his crowbar. Just a few more hours he says. He accepted my 70p for a can of supermarket lager.

CHIPPING NORTON WOMAN STANDS HER GROUND REFUSING TO CLOSE DOWN BUSINESS IN UNCERTAIN TIMES

By Resident Adorable Animal Expert Jake Reece Moggy

All across the UK, and many other countries around the world, most businesses and industries have shut down due to the pandemic. Only places considered essential have remained open, like chemists, doctors and shops. One woman from Gagingwell, a village in Chipping Norton, has always refused requests to shut her company down from the local council since the lock down was put in place. 56 year old Nora Clegg’s company, Clegg’s Kittenarium, is a place where families can go to watch kittens basically do kitten stuff – falling off things, play fighting, high pitched meowing etc, and has proved popular ever since Mrs Clegg opened it up just over two years ago. She maintains that her company provides much-needed joy and hopefulness in these desperate days, an argument she’s repeatedly stressed to the powers that be. I interviewed Mrs Clegg during a quiet-ish day, to find out how she’s coping with things.

TDJJ: “Mrs Clegg, I’ve never heard of such a place like this, it sounds so unique. Where did you get the idea to open up a place like this?”

NC: “Well, I’ve always loved kittens, and judging by the amount of videos on the internet I know I’m not the only one, what with their general clumsiness and round faces and that. I’ve had quite a few kittens in the past, but to be honest, I’m not so fussed when they start getting bigger and less humorous, so I just sell them on when they. I’ve adopted the same thing with the Kittenarium, I’ve got deals with several local kitten suppliers, and there’s a pretty fast turnaround. I’m proud to say we’ve never had a cat older than five months on display.”

TDJJ: “I guess the lock down has affected your business though. I understand your argument for staying open, but are you still making enough money with relatively few customers?”

NC: “Believe it or not yes, kittens are quite cheap to maintain. these one are, As you can see, most of the stuff they go on are cardboard boxes, hay, and a few planks of wood here and there. Very simple. We also buy their food and drink in bulk. So with tickets at £7 each for adults and £10 for children, we can still operate on a profit even if there’s only four customers throughout the day.”

TDJJ: “Would there be anything the council could say or do that would convince you to close?”

NC: “No, they’ve tried all sorts. I’ve told them the only way I’d close is if I get the virus myself. So far so good, I just wash my hands loads. I do tell customers to leave if they cough in the building though. I’m sure if they just look at the kittens for five minutes or so, they’d realise they needed the positive feelings they’d get from watching them mistiming jumps. But they won’t listen.”

TDJJ: “I note that your decision to remain open has proved very divisive in the village. I can see a lot of good your business does, but I can also see the other side’s argument, that social distancing is proving very difficult to manage, so therefore your place is dangerous. What do you say to those who have this point of view?”

NC: “This criticism might have come about because my latest influx of kittens are so cute it’s ridiculous, so everyone wants to see them in cages and cry charmingly. This means people have been huddling together and jostling for position to get a good look at them. I don’t do average or even quite good kittens, only use the best ones, so I let people know before they get here that it can get busy as I only deal with kittens that are adorable as hell. If people have an issue with this, then I guess small fluffy animals are not for you, and stay away.”

TDJJ: “Do you think though, there’ll be a time when it isn’t going to be your decision to close down you business?”

NC: “I’d say no, purely because pretty much everyone loves kittens, but another reason would be: where would the kittens go? My flat is too small to fit all 35 of them don’t want Do the council want them to be made homeless? Imagine the blacklash they’d get.”