R&B SINGER TO RELEASE NEW ALBUM WITH ALL SONGS BEING SEQUELS TO HER 2007 CLASSIC TRACK

By Resident Useful Object Expert Lenny Cigbreak It’s taken her 13 years for her to complete it, but R&B star Rihanna has finally finished working on her new album, Useful Shiznit, in which all the tracks are sequels or “companion pieces” to her 2007 classic Umbrella. The song itself has been regarding as her signatureContinue reading “R&B SINGER TO RELEASE NEW ALBUM WITH ALL SONGS BEING SEQUELS TO HER 2007 CLASSIC TRACK”

OUTRAGE OF ALMOST WHOLE WORLD AS REASON FOR INCREASING SALES OF HANDCARTS REVEALED

By Resident Afterlife Solutions Expert Dante Cypher Recent revelations concerning a sudden spike in handcart sales has been met with almost universal condemnation. Word has got out that the non-physical realm, Hell, has recently invested heavily in renovations and restorations, which in turn has seen the place for the eternally damned being a more desirableContinue reading “OUTRAGE OF ALMOST WHOLE WORLD AS REASON FOR INCREASING SALES OF HANDCARTS REVEALED”

GRIZZLED COP’S CONFUSION WITH CERTAIN KEY MEMORIES AND HOW THEY’RE BEING PORTRAYED

By Resident Trainee Brain Surgeon Carl Wholesale A police officer from Swindon has had to take an unplanned break from his work, as he’s genuinely concerned on how certain memories have been playing out in his mind for the last several years. 54-year old Eugene Minerlair has been a cop for 35 years, and inContinue reading “GRIZZLED COP’S CONFUSION WITH CERTAIN KEY MEMORIES AND HOW THEY’RE BEING PORTRAYED”

LOSER OF ANTICIPATED SCHOOL FIGHT REFUSES TO GIVE MEASURED ASSESSMENT ON HOW THE BETTER KID WON

By Resident Juvenile Fight Expert Buster Gaylord Ever since their previous fight a year ago was broken up by a couple of teachers in a science lesson, schoolchildren at Spinning Birdkick High School in Wombourne, South Staffordshire had been eagerly waiting for a rematch between the two combatants. It was widely believed that 13-year oldContinue reading “LOSER OF ANTICIPATED SCHOOL FIGHT REFUSES TO GIVE MEASURED ASSESSMENT ON HOW THE BETTER KID WON”

CONTEMPTIBLE GAME CHARACTER TO GET OWN FEATURE FILM AFTER SUCCESS OF BLUE HEDGEHOG ONE

By Resident Awful Animals Expert Aaron Agamemnon The early nineties saw a whole slew of video games, usually platformers, which had an anthropomorphic animal as the central character. Sega’s Sonic The Hedgehog was a main influence for these games, and it seemed that developers and gamers couldn’t get enough of them at the time. OneContinue reading “CONTEMPTIBLE GAME CHARACTER TO GET OWN FEATURE FILM AFTER SUCCESS OF BLUE HEDGEHOG ONE”

CARING DAD HEADING FOR JAIL AS HIS PERCEIVED LEGAL LOOPHOLE THEORY PROVED BASELESS

By Legal Correspondent Hector Heckle-Jeckle There are certain laws and loopholes, that for better or worse are exploited by a great many UK citizens, whether it’s skimming money from tills as a supermarket employee, or not indicating on every turn while driving. The people who commit these misdemeanours are fairly safe in their mind thatContinue reading “CARING DAD HEADING FOR JAIL AS HIS PERCEIVED LEGAL LOOPHOLE THEORY PROVED BASELESS”

WOMAN FINALLY STOPS WATCHING FILM CONTINUOUSLY, LEARNS THAT SHE BROKE RECORD YEARS AGO

By Animated Correspondent Liu Kangaroo An unemployed woman from Luton has finally stopped watching the 1994 Disney classic The Lion King on a continuous loop, just over 25 years since she first started. Caroline Ursine, 44, begun the marathon binge watch way back in 1995 while she was drunk, at a time when VHS wasContinue reading “WOMAN FINALLY STOPS WATCHING FILM CONTINUOUSLY, LEARNS THAT SHE BROKE RECORD YEARS AGO”

SUPER VILLAIN INCREDULOUS OVER STORY OF HOW LOCAL HERO FOUND OUT HIS WHEREABOUTS

By Resident Fictional Story Expert Harold Alloallo A disgraced scientist from Cambridge, 50-year old Eric Ernieson, had a plan to take over the world in a very implausible manner, but he was apparently scuppered last week in an equally implausible manner. According to reports, Mr Ernieson was involved in a science experiment in which resultedContinue reading “SUPER VILLAIN INCREDULOUS OVER STORY OF HOW LOCAL HERO FOUND OUT HIS WHEREABOUTS”

MAN UNSUCCESSFUL IN JOB INTERVIEW, DECIDES TO GO BACK INTO SHOP AT LATER DATE AS JUDGE

By Employment Correspondent Trent Zerohours An unemployed scrounger, 25-year old Dave Tennents, from Yeovil, has just been through yet another emotional ordeal, as he received an email saying he hadn’t got the job that he was interviewed for. Mr Tennents has been here before so many times, and despite his efforts, he’s still unable toContinue reading “MAN UNSUCCESSFUL IN JOB INTERVIEW, DECIDES TO GO BACK INTO SHOP AT LATER DATE AS JUDGE”

EMBARRASSING PAST OF FEARSOME SERVANTS FOR CONFLICTED SPACE JERK UNEARTHED, SHATTERING THEIR IMAGE

By Music Correspondent Corey Abdominals A small number of old music videos have surfaced online featuring a boy band long forgotten about, to which the identity of the group members has been kept secret until recently. An anonymous source confirmed that it’s the Knights of Ren, the masked warriors who currently go around being fearsomeContinue reading “EMBARRASSING PAST OF FEARSOME SERVANTS FOR CONFLICTED SPACE JERK UNEARTHED, SHATTERING THEIR IMAGE”