OXFORD MAN’S PLAN TO STUD PET DOG PROVES VERY PROFITABLE, THOUGH VENTURE FROWNED UPON BY SOME

By Business Correspondent Rex Bone If you live in the village of Cumnor in Oxford, and you start to see dozens of St Bernard dogs roaming around the streets through your house windows while isolating, you’re advised not to panic. Local man Xavier Wheels has came up with a dubious plan for his male StContinue reading “OXFORD MAN’S PLAN TO STUD PET DOG PROVES VERY PROFITABLE, THOUGH VENTURE FROWNED UPON BY SOME”

SELF-ISOLATION RULES, WARNINGS AND GET WELL MESSAGE WRITTEN IN LETTER FROM UNEXPECTED SOURCE

By Resident Unhinged William Shatner Fan Sebastian Stab A mysterious letter has recently turned up at an Illinois psychiatrist’s house, crudely packaged within a large brown envelope. The psychiatrist, Dr Samuel Loomis, only needed a few seconds to realise who it was from, as he recognised the child-like writing on the parcel. He opened itContinue reading “SELF-ISOLATION RULES, WARNINGS AND GET WELL MESSAGE WRITTEN IN LETTER FROM UNEXPECTED SOURCE”

CAPCOM TO RELEASE NEW VERSION OF ONE OF THEIR CLASSIC GAMES IN RESPONSE TO GLOBAL FRUSTRATION

By Video Game Correspondent Balrog “Eight” Strongbow Japanese video game developer Capcom have announced yet another version of their classic game Street Fighter II, in direct response to the scenes and comments witnessed around the world. Ever since the lock down in many countries due to the pandemic, pub regulars have become increasingly frustrated thatContinue reading “CAPCOM TO RELEASE NEW VERSION OF ONE OF THEIR CLASSIC GAMES IN RESPONSE TO GLOBAL FRUSTRATION”

SUBSTANDARD COMEDY DUO FINALLY ARRESTED AFTER TRYING TO ENTERTAIN LOCAL RESIDENTS TO RAISE MOOD

By Resident Unfunny Fool Russell Leaves A multitude of houseowners in the Barnet area were recently keeping the local police busy with regular complaints about a couple of annoying comedians irritating them day and night. The duo, who for some reason call themselves Prawn and Crackers, decided to try and cheer up the residents inContinue reading “SUBSTANDARD COMEDY DUO FINALLY ARRESTED AFTER TRYING TO ENTERTAIN LOCAL RESIDENTS TO RAISE MOOD”

TEARFUL DAD NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO LETTING SON DOWN ON UPCOMING 16TH BIRTHDAY

By Crime Correspondent Bill Beatstreet The ongoing lock down and related restrictions has affected everyone in the UK, and indeed around the world, with many people who have ‘non-essential’ jobs worrying if they’d have a job by the end of this ordeal. The potential state of the economy will be very much up in theContinue reading “TEARFUL DAD NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO LETTING SON DOWN ON UPCOMING 16TH BIRTHDAY”

NEW YOUTUBE CHANNEL DECLARED GREAT SUCCESS BY KIDS MISSING OUT ON SCHOOL LIFE

By Online Education Correspondent Leroy Catvideo Prolific YouTubers Willy and Jilly Circle have created a separate channel that caters for kids all around the world to help reduce boredom during these times of lock down, and has amassed over 100,000 subscribers since they launched it just over a week ago. This new channel has overtakenContinue reading “NEW YOUTUBE CHANNEL DECLARED GREAT SUCCESS BY KIDS MISSING OUT ON SCHOOL LIFE”

POLITICIANS OF ALL COLOURS DEEM CHANGES TO BOARD GAME RULES NECESSARY DURING THIS TIME OF ISOLATION

By Resident Mouse Trap Expert John “Jigsaw” Kramer In times gone by, playing Monopoly with a bunch of children at Christmas time used to be an arduous task, as there’d be many random rule changes along the way because kids never want to lose. After a few hours of arguing, the board is finally putContinue reading “POLITICIANS OF ALL COLOURS DEEM CHANGES TO BOARD GAME RULES NECESSARY DURING THIS TIME OF ISOLATION”

FEARS GROW AS CERTAIN MEMBERS OF SOCIETY WILLING TO PURPOSEFULLY FLOUT SELF ISOLATION ADVICE

By Military Correspondent Ralph Ermey A worrying amount of groups have recently been springing up on social media platforms aimed at women who are attracted to men in uniforms. Though this is nothing new, as firemen and doctors have always been popular amongst ladies, the growing concern is there’s going to be a massive disturbanceContinue reading “FEARS GROW AS CERTAIN MEMBERS OF SOCIETY WILLING TO PURPOSEFULLY FLOUT SELF ISOLATION ADVICE”

UK TV CHANNEL TO DRASTICALLY CHANGE SCHEDULES IN ORDER TO HELP VIEWERS FEEL BETTER ABOUT SELVES

By Apocalypse Now Correspondent Marley Sheen As daily news of the coronavirus pandemic is now in full swing, this has brought about a lot of fear throughout the world, especially with lock downs being put in place in many countries. The vast majority of the world are now indoors glued to the TV and internetContinue reading “UK TV CHANNEL TO DRASTICALLY CHANGE SCHEDULES IN ORDER TO HELP VIEWERS FEEL BETTER ABOUT SELVES”

STOCKPILING ODD ITEMS ENABLES FORWARD-THINKING MAN HELP THOSE WISHING TO CONTINUE ILLICIT ACTIVITIES

By Resident Relationship Breakdown Expert Victor Warlike One of the big issues in this current crisis has been the sheer amount of people stockpiling items from shops, notably toilet roll, hand gel, tinned goods etc. But one man has been buying up other specific items, based on lock down restrictions from other countries, which heContinue reading “STOCKPILING ODD ITEMS ENABLES FORWARD-THINKING MAN HELP THOSE WISHING TO CONTINUE ILLICIT ACTIVITIES”