FOOD AND DRINK SHORTAGES IN SHOPS LINKED WITH UPTURN IN OTHER UNEXPECTED SALES

By Ersatz Hairpiece Correspondent Carl Spectacles

There’s been issues with the stock level of food, drink and toiletries even before the lock downs in the UK and beyond came into effect. Things improved a little once limits on certain items were put in place, and generally everyone was able to more or less get what they wanted. Unless you wanted toilet roll or beans. In the last couple of days though, there’s been reports of stocking issues once again, and one man reckons he knows why it’s happening once more. 61 year old Marcel Trappedinbox, who runs an online joke shop from his shed in Shepshed, has seen his sales skyrocket since the lock down, particularly with the increase again of stock shortages. He’s in numerous groups on Facebook for people in his line of trade, and he says his theory and sales figures are backed up with fellow managers across the world. I interviewed Mr Trappedinbox to find out why he feels his business is booming right now.

TDJJ: “Mr Trappedinbox, why do you feel the joke shop industry’s boom is linked to the seemingly constant issues with shortages in food shops?”

MT: “I just want to stress that it isn’t just joke shops making decent money during this time. Basically anywhere you can buy clothes and uniforms from. What I reckon is that since there’s been limits on buying stock, people have been going back in the shops with disguises on, so as not to arouse suspicion. This has got to be the reason for both changes. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it.”

TDJJ: “So, has it been mainly the costumes that have been selling at an unprecedented rate? Which have been the most popular?”

MT: “It’s not really the costumes that have made a big impression on profits. It’s more your fake beards and wigs, more convincing disguises for repeated shop visits. I think going to the supermarket dressed as Darth Vader would be too much of a distraction.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, I can see how false facial hair is a bit more discreet, would probably work better. When did you first hear about this happening?”

MT: “I’m good friends with the manager of the Sainsburys in Shepshed. He said it’s been ridiculous, the lengths that some people have gone to, just so they can abuse the system and get more beans. When he caught a couple with pink wigs and beards on he knew something was going on. He got in touch with me, as the labels on the hilarious goods had my company logo on it. That was the first time I knew my products were involved.”

TDJJ: “How did this make you feel?”

MT: “Well, I like profits, and in times like this I’ll take anything coming my way. People should be able to do whatever they want with the stuff they buy from me. I don’t appreciate the cops knocking on at all hours.”

TDJJ: “The police are involved?”

MT: “Yeah, and it’s not just me. I’ve heard other people who sell similar stuff to me. I wouldn’t mind, but the costumes I sell are obviously too sexy to be confused with real ones, how many pimps and hos do they think live in one area? How are they fooling the staff? It’s like it’s Halloween or something.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, it does sound a bit silly. So what did the police do?

MT: “They just told me what they suspected was going on. I played dumb about it, they must know that it’s got nothing to do with me, including the toy guns I sell.”

TDJJ: “Guns?”

MT: “Apparently, there’s been a tense few standoffs and armed robberies with people using them. To be fair, they look proper real. Only cost me £20 for a massive box. I was told they’d been rejected by actual warlords in Africa, that’s why they were so cheap, misfire now and again. £15 each a go I’ve been selling them, lovely stuff.”

TDJJ: “Do you see an end to the upturn in your sales any time soon?”

MT: “I do think more shops are getting wise to what’s going on. Listen, if people want too many tins and bog roll, let them. It should be a free country. If people want to buy too many bottles of fake blood and medical outfits for inappropriate parties, I’m not going to stand in their way. I’m saving for another yacht.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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