By Business Correspondent Rex Bone

If you live in the village of Cumnor in Oxford, and you start to see dozens of St Bernard dogs roaming around the streets through your house windows while isolating, you’re advised not to panic. Local man Xavier Wheels has came up with a dubious plan for his male St Bernard, Schroeder, to be put out to stud to make more of them. Schroeder impregnated several female dogs of the same breed a few weeks ago and will be ready to give birth in the next week or so. Mr Wheels expects about 20 puppies all told, and was going to sell them on anyway. But due to the current self-isolation situation, he hatched a plan to make even MORE money from his breeding endeavours which he feels cannot fail because he’ll make too much cash to consider any potential issue. I interviewed Mr Wheels in his garage – with the sound of dogs going at it in the back garden – to find out more, and get his response to the criticism from some quarters.

XW: “They’re a bit noisy, aren’t they? Sorry about the smell.”

TDJJ: “Is everything okay out there? Not heard dogs doing it before, sounds a bit violent.”

XW: “Yeah don’t worry, Schroeder’s got a very physical technique. My son’s out there anyway, in case it gets a bit too fighty.”

TDJJ: “So, you’re expecting 20 puppies very soon, yet you want more because of the current circumstances. Can you explain to those who are unaware of this story, what your intentions are?”

XW: “Okay, well because of what’s going on right now, most people are afraid of simply going out to get the essentials from the shops. Perfectly understandable, certainly the ones who are getting on a bit. Now, everyone knows stories of St Bernards helping explorers on mountains and that, carrying whiskey in a small barrel around their neck. Well, I remember watching a few cartoons years ago about it anyway. So, I was thinking why not employ them in a similar way in this situation?”

TDJJ: “In what way exactly?”

XW: “Well, they’d go to the shops for them. All you’d have to do is put enough money and a shopping list in a container or something, put it around the dog’s neck, and instruct it to show it to the shopkeeper. And that’s it. You’d just have to guide the dog from your house to the shop once to orientate it. I’m sure they’d be fine.”

TDJJ: “Okay, so how are you going to deploy these dogs, once they’re here? Surely they’d be too small to shift shopping from supermarkets and other shops?”

XW: That’s why I need more than 20 dogs, we’ll need teams of them. Schroeder’s working overtime out there. He’s tired but we’ve got a routine going, which I’ve already gone on record to say no comment when asked what the strategy is. This only thing I’ll say is we’ll be using similar methods that are used to strengthen babies by putting weights on the puppy’s legs etc.”

TDJJ: “And it’s just female St Bernards he’s doing?”

XW: “Yeah, and no he’s not banging his own family, as has been the rumour, that’s not recommended because of various health issues. Similar to humans. A few other people I know have St Bernards completely unrelated to Schroeder so we’re using them.”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing you’re expecting this lock down to last a while?”

XW: “Who knows? I don’t want to sound selfish, but it’d be better if it was. I can shift more dogs then. Given the gestation time and that, we can’t mess around here. We’ve got certain ways to speed some of the processes, but again, I’m not prepared to divulge any more information.”

TDJJ: “Your pre-orders for puppies at £1,000 each sounds very reasonable, and your sales pitch has proven very successful, but do you see why some organisations and a lot of people on social media are throwing a lot of vitriol your way?”

XW: “Listen, I get a lot of people have now been forced to stop work, and are feeling uncertain about their finances as a result. I reckon there’s a lot of resentment for people like me who are still able to make a ton of money during this time. I come up with this great idea and all people can do is pick holes. A lot of jealousy. And these animal rights people are annoying as well. Dogs like sex too!”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: