By Resident Unfunny Fool Russell Leaves

A multitude of houseowners in the Barnet area were recently keeping the local police busy with regular complaints about a couple of annoying comedians irritating them day and night. The duo, who for some reason call themselves Prawn and Crackers, decided to try and cheer up the residents in and around where they live. They told police on several occasions that what they’re doing is essential because it’s entertaining people during this difficult time, but all the complainants have said while they don’t mind the sentiment, their material is just awful and only takes them 15 minutes to go through before they do it all again. And after five days, they were finally threatened enough to stop their infernal routine.

For those who don’t know, Prawn and Crackers have had no success in even getting a spot at a holiday resort or holiday cruise ship, so they feel by doing what they did will get them enough publicity to get them on TV. I interviewed Crackers – who tells me his real name is Jonny Condom – in the caravan which he shares with Prawn, to find out what the future holds for them. I asked him where Prawn was, and the most sensible answer he gave me was that he’s currently on the moon waiting for a phone call from an alien called Beans.

TDJJ: “How would you like me to refer to you in this interview?”

C: “Crackers. No, Sir Crackers.”

TDJJ: “Sir Crackers–”

C: “Haa you said it!”

TDJJ: “Okay we’re both grown men here. I’m all for zany and ‘random’, I just want to hear your views on a few things.”

C: “Is this going to be on TV?”

TDJJ: “No, there’s no cameras. So, can you please describe how you and Prawn got this idea to try and raise the spirits of your local community?”

C: “Well, me and Prawn have been working together for 20 years now, since high school, and although we’ve not been on TV, we still think we’ve got what it takes to be funny and entertaining. The virus thing has upset everyone, so we thought we’d do our bit and we came up with loads of hilarious things to make people laugh and give us publicity.”

TDJJ: “How much of your act was actually original material?”

C: “What do you mean?”

TDJJ: “Well, according to a lot of reports, you used a lot of existing stuff from more successful comedians, and even have a five minute spot where you both repeat established catchphrases at the top of your voices.”

C: “Well what you’ve got to consider that we only had about a week or so to come up with stuff. It’s not as easy as you’d think. We worked all day every day on this before we started on the streets. We ultimately thought by padding our stuff with other people’s material was the right thing to do given the constraints.”

TDJJ: “How many times were you cautioned by the police?”

C: “Seven times I think. I lost count after six. See? Just thought of that now!”

TDJJ: “Right. And when you both assaulted that woman, what did the cops say to you that finally put a stop to everything?”

C: “That woman came out of nowhere to be honest. She was yelling at us at 3am because we apparently woke her kid up. I liked the look of her, and like the quick thinker I am, I set off on some impromptu sexist tirade. Thing is, I don’t think she realised I was doing a parody of the sexist comedians from the 70s. After a bit, me and Prawn were both in full flow with our comments and wondering hands. Again, it was a parody. But she didn’t see the funny side and basically the cops came and started laying the law down like some law laying law layers laying laws layers laying… Erm, so yeah.”

TDJJ: “Okay, and pending any criminal charges, how do you see the future for Prawn and Crackers?”

C: “It doesn’t matter if we get sent down or given community service, we’ll still be doing our side-splitting stuff, entertaining wherever we go. All this publicity will eventually lead to TV work, like we’d be asked to comment on badly behaved animals or something in front of a coloured background or on some celebrity programme about getting off with women. We can’t wait!”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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