STOCKPILING ODD ITEMS ENABLES FORWARD-THINKING MAN HELP THOSE WISHING TO CONTINUE ILLICIT ACTIVITIES

By Resident Relationship Breakdown Expert Victor Warlike

One of the big issues in this current crisis has been the sheer amount of people stockpiling items from shops, notably toilet roll, hand gel, tinned goods etc. But one man has been buying up other specific items, based on lock down restrictions from other countries, which he feels he could benefit financially from. Recently-divorced Tim Dickorydock, 58, had been fired from his job at a local haberdashery store in Exeter. It happened before the outbreak reached the UK after an altercation with a customer over some yarn, and coupled with his tax-dodging past he is not able to get any cash from the government during this time. He didn’t let this affect his plan based on the prediction he made, and has ploughed his last £100 into his venture by buying up as many light coloured table cloths and bed sheets that he could before the stricter guidelines came in about excess buying habits. I interviewed Mr Dickorydock in his shed, where he has set up shop for his potential lucrative business, to see what his plans are.

TDJJ: “I can barely fit in this shed with you what with all these cloths and sheets. I can see you’ve got a sewing machine set up, but what’s this plan which you feel could benefit people like yourself during this lock down?”

TD: “It’s for something that’s close to my heart. When I was watching the news a while ago, and they started going on about lock downs in other countries and that, I thought: “What about those who sleep around?” There’s people who would have to stay indoors with the wife or partner all day, and those people would start getting all frustrated as they were unable to sneak off to their illegitimate lover or in my case lovers.”

TDJJ: “Erm, okay, but what are you making with all these sheets?”

TD: “Well, as everyone knows now, you can only leave your house for essential stuff, one of which is to going to work if you’re a doctor. My plan is to make loads of doctor costumes for those who want to continue their affairs throughout this difficult time. By wearing a doctors uniform, they won’t be questioned as they look like they’re on their way to work. Easy. Plus, the uniform would add more spice into the wrongful goings on.”

TDJJ: “How many of these uniforms are you looking to make?”

TD: “Why, do you want one?”

TDJJ: “Erm, it’ll be for one of my friends.”

TD: “Okay. Right now, I’m guessing I’ve got enough for about 30 uniforms. Once I shift these, I’ll be able to buy more table cloths and that, though with the current restrictions I’d have to be crafty about it.”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing your time working at the haberdashery store was good experience for this.”

TD: “Yeah, though I was more working on the till. I couldn’t do half the stuff the others could do. I can’t knit for shit. I saw others working on one of these sewing machines, it doesn’t look too difficult to use. Besides, doctors outfits should be easy to make, very simple design.”

TDJJ: “Is that sewing machine from your old work? Looks complicated.”

TD: “They gave it to me as a going away present, that’s how kind they are, even though I was let go for fighting over yarn.”

TDJJ: “So, how are you going to advertise these uniforms?”

TD: “There’s a few secret Facebook groups about married men who play away from home. I can’t give you the details, it goes against policy, but there’s a lot of interest in this sort of thing. I’ll post on these pages, should easily get rid of this lot. Then we’ll see!”

TDJJ: “Finally, what if this backfires and people see you profiteering during this tricky time, that using a medical disguise is in poor taste, and a health risk if one of the people involved are in the high risk categories?”

TD: “Firstly, I’d like to say that the doctors and nurses are doing a great job under such strained circumstances. It isn’t my intention to anger anyone by using fake doctor uniforms. It’s just that I can make uniforms for either doctors or supermarket staff. Doctor uniforms are hands down more sexier, you ask anyone.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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