By Resident Gangland Expert Vincent “Secateurs” Iolent

Yet another mishap caused by underlings in local Walthamstow gang Tha Warmastahz, has led boss Ray “Big Rake” Fairbrass to reassess the process of gang member acquisition. He understands that he has to be seen as the most sensible and alpha of the group, and that means there’d naturally be less adept affiliates in the association, but he feels he has to draw the line on some of the schoolboy errors by some of the gang lately. When Mr Fairbrass enters a new territory with a view to take over control, he’s recently been subjected to a lot of jokes about his gang’s mistakes, and feels his tough image has been tarnished as a result. After murdering the guilty gang members in cold blood, he set about amending the rules for the recruitment policy – along with his right-hand man Bastard Mike – going forward. I interviewed Mr Fairbrass in his makeshift torture room, which is his mum’s basement.

TDJJ: “Thanks for taking the time for this interview, I’m aware you’re using this area as a temporary hiding place from the cops. Looks pretty intimidating in here.”

RF: “Ha, don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you, you’ve done nothing against me or my gang. I want to make my point in as many places as possible, to send the word. I’m recruiting and I’m not one to mock. Once my army is back to full strength, we’ll reclaim our rep again. Mark my fackin words!”

TDJJ: “So, what actually happened that made you decide your recruitment policy had to change?”

RF: “A fackin mix up with the word “laundering.” Fackin couple of muppets we had, Bill and fackin Ben. Instead of transferring the cash we got from various sources and funnel it through a perfectly legitimate florists, they put it in several holdalls and gave it to some fackin launderettes. Fackin money, about 50 grand, facked. When I was chainsawing the fackers, I told them they was the last idiots in my gang. And I meant that.”

TDJJ: “That’s a big mistake they made. How long were they in your gang, and who recruited them?”

RF: “They’d been a part of Tha Warmastahz for a few months, though I could tell they weren’t really into it. They both come from decent backgrounds, mostly good education at school level, and could always find an excuse to pick a fight with people on the flimsiest of reasons. They were mates of Slappy Si, who was a good lad until I murdered him for not boiling a vat of oil to the required temperature to throw a rival into.”

TDJJ: “And you feel you have to uphold this reputation, to justify your leadership?”

RF: “Exactly. I can take a bit of criticism, like for my occasional fashion faux pas, but I just can’t understand how some people can be so fackin stupid, how they get through the fackin day. It’s me what has to explain away their fackin incompetence to rival gang bosses once word gets out.”

TDJJ: “I understand your frustration. I know someone who owns a newsagents, and the stories about the idiots that end up working for him. It’s ridiculous. So what changes have you drawn up, so this doesn’t happen again?”

RF: “Well, statistically speaking, it’s best you don’t have much of an education. Street smarts are very important, but you don’t need fackin algebra or German. That slows you down, that shit! Also, dependent family members, or decent upbringing. These will fack with your conscience. The need to be out at all hours, to be able to move around the country without having to give a fack for other people is paramount. We encourage being a shit father and husband. If your missus gets fed up with your constant run ins with the law, then she obviously hasn’t got the best interests for you. They’re the main things. These were more guidelines, but now they’re fackin rules.”

TDJJ: “And I guess these amendments are in immediate effect?”

RF: Yeah. Listen, I like murdering people as much as the next man, but I hate being embarrassed in front of other gangs, have to explain another fackin idiot that inconvenienced us in some way.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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