By Resident Literary Expert Cara Llama

The deal has recently been sealed for the long running YA novel series Hot Yeti to become a lucrative film franchise. The author of the series, Amanda Whiplash, is set to become a billionaire overnight, and she’s insisted that she is to direct each one, to protect her “babies”. The series revolves around a young girl called Verily, when on a hiking expedition with high school, befriends a really good looking folkloric ape-like creature. Their burgeoning romance is thrown into doubt when another folkloric being, Omar the onocentaur – a part-human, part donkey creature – arrives on the scene, wearing a leather jacket and smoking.

The ten book series covers the will she, won’t she love triangle throughout, which has caused a lot of controversy over it’s blatant glorification of bestiality. There’s not much more to the story, only that her friends and parents frown upon her choice of suitors, and the fact that it’s just so darn hard being a modern girl. The books have a very specific demographic, and the film screenplays are reported to be copied verbatim from the original text, so fans can look forward to at least an hour of each film’s running time devoted to characters staring into the middle distance and asking themself things in their mind, which for the most part doesn’t translate well on the big screen. I interviewed Mrs Whiplash, to find out more about her decision not to adapt the books to a different art style.

TDJJ: “Mrs Whiplash, you’ve taken a lot on with this deal, in that you’re also contracted to direct the films, yet you haven’t got any experience in any of the disciplines. Is your decision to not adapt your writing for the screen down to that you just want to focus on directing?”

AW: “Well, I’ve sold over 40 million books over the series, so I must be doing something right. Why change a winning formula? I’m just going in there and pointing a camera at people saying the words I wrote.”

TDJJ: “But you do understand the two mediums are very different, right? Are you really going to include the ten page monologue from each of the three main characters, one after the other?”

AW: “Absolutely, you learn so much about the characters when they’re lying in bed, talking to themselves about their favourite colours, their likes and dislikes, and what they would do if they win the lottery. Half an hour of gold right there. There’s no other way I can think of where such information could be conveyed. They also describe their surrounding in their head, and all three of them have an excellent knowledge on how the sunlight falls onto the ground through the trees.”

TDJJ: “How are you going to approach the many scenes throughout the books where Verily is in what only can be described as interspecies erotica? You must be aware of the outrage online about this aspect of the series.”

AW: “I laugh at the suggestion that these scenes could possibly influence a girl somehow getting mounted repeatedly by an onocentaur. They might not even exist! Good luck with that one.”

TDJJ: “Did you know that there’s been at least a dozen woman imprisoned for trying to have sex with cattle, and they all said they read your books in their defence.”

AW: “Well that’s just wrong. Maybe they wanted to do that anyway, perverts.”

TDJJ: “So you don’t feel that by replicating these scenes exactly as the books depict them would pose a problem?”

AW: “Some people are into really kinky stuff. What they get up to behind closed doors is their business. It’s like movie violence giving people ideas to do the same because it looks cool. Yes, it looks cool, but I’d definitely advise against murder.”

TDJJ: “Right. Okay, so have you got any actors in mind to play these characters?”

AW: “Naturally I wanted to get those two who were in the Twilight films, but they’ve moved on to other things. Which is annoying. I don’t think it matters who does things really, just a thin teenage girl and someone big enough to put on the yeti costume. The onocentaur will be done on computer, but it will be a hot guy as the human bit.”

TDJJ: “And finally, should this series become a hit, would you consider going back to writing more books in the series?”

AW: “Well, without spoiling what happens at the very end, I’d have to think of a way to bring them all back to life and back into the same timeline by the wizard lizard. It gets a bit surreal after Verily consummates her marriage to both the Hot Yeti and Omar within 20 minutes of each other.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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