By Fashion Correspondent Jean Paul Georgeringo

A 52-year old woman has been left furious due to an incident at a local jumble sale in the scouts hut, in Pallethill, Penrith, where a pair of trousers she had her eye on was later bought by her friend, despite being told they would be kept to one side for her. Barbara Dynasty first saw the orange and green trousers on a wallpaper pasting table as she entered the hut at around 10:30 am. She asked the saleswoman to hold them for her as she didn’t have the 50p in change when asked, and told her she would go to one of the other stalls first and see if they could help. Unbeknown to Miss Dynasty, one of her friends Debbie Dallas, walked through the doors a minute later and also spotted the colourful trousers. She bought them for £1 after initial reluctance from the seller, and then left the hut with her new purchase.

Miss Dynasty came back with the right change, only to be told what had happened, that as a capitalist, the seller couldn’t pass up on the larger bid. She described the buyer to Miss Dynasty, who immediately knew who it was. She thought better of her former friend, but on the sad walk home, she began remembering times when Mrs Dallas had done other hurtful things over the years. Miss Dynasty then had a brainwave: she would get revenge by making a controversial documentary about her, to show the world what a cow she is. I interviewed Miss Dynasty in her bedroom a few days after that fateful Saturday morning.

TDJJ: “Miss Dynasty, have you spoken to Mrs Dallas yet? Was she aware that you had your eyes on the trousers?”

BD: “She phoned up all innocent a few days ago wanting to go for coffee. When I accused her of her immoral crime, she claimed she didn’t know it was me who wanted to buy them.”

TDJJ: “Well, according to the CCTV footage you implored the local cops to investigate, she came in a minute or so after you and spoke to the seller. Lip reading experts didn’t see the seller mention you by name. Did you know the person who sold them?”

BD: “Never seen her before. But Debbie’s like this, she’s got previous.”

TDJJ: “Did she even know you were at the jumble sale?”

BD: I wouldn’t put it past her. She knows I like wacky trousers, I wear them ironically at posh get togethers.”

TDJJ: “Maybe she liked them.”

BD: “No one would like them properly. She’s done this on purpose, and I’m going to expose her.”

TDJJ: “So, how is your documentary idea going?”

BD: “I’ve just been making a list of all the crappy things she’s done. I called the college to ask if they had a student who could film it all for me. I chose this little bald student. Won’t shut up about Klute. I mean, the film’s okay, but no one should know too much about it because it has a W-H-O-R-E in it.”

TDJJ: “Oh I’ve not seen it, must give it a go some time. How are you going to film it then?”

BD: “It won’t take long to do, just me in a chair reading the list of times when Debbie’s taken things too far. I wouldn’t want be her afterwards, I’ll serve her. Is that how you say that phrase?”

TDJJ: “I don’t know, it sounds pretty accurate I guess. What other things has she done in the past?”

BD: “Loads of stuff. Used up the last bottle vinegar in a cafe one time, warning my cat because it walked over her coat, and breaking out into songs at inopportune moments.”

TDJJ: “When do you think the documentary will be released?”

BD: “Couple of weeks or so. Everyone will see her for who she really is. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to think up more swearing and half truths to put in it.”

Debbie Dallas: Bad Bastard will be on sale through Miss Dynasty’s website once it’s done, and will cost £5 for the DVD.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

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