By Video Game Correspondent Raymond Stationfour

A local butcher from Nether Wallop in Hampshire has recently come up with a novel idea to drum up publicity for his ailing business. 61-year old Harry Jetpac has seen his shop, Harry’z Meatz And Thingz, slowly lose trade to the much more modern store that’s recently opened nearby called Contemporary Carlos’z Brillz Butcherz. But Mr Jetpac has took inspiration from his former pastime when he was a lonely child, and has decided to use video games to advertise his wares while playing online. The use of modern 4K gaming, and using a vast amount of buttons and tech setup in order to do so, has been a tricky transition for Mr Jetpac, who confesses he’s not properly played any video games since the early nineties. I interviewed Mr Jetpac in his shed where he’s got his gaming set up, as his long suffering wife has since put her foot down on all the shouting and swearing involved while he plays, and has banished him.

TDJJ: “This can be seen as an unorthodox way to advertise your butchers, Mr Jetpac. I understand that you haven’t really kept an eye on the gaming world for a long time, so why did you feel this is the right method to use?”

HJ: “The thing is, quite frankly a lot of my older customers are either dying off or going over the road to the new place to get their meat. I’m also feeling the pinch from the shopping habits nowadays, people buy everything from the same place now, supermarkets and that. So I thought it’d be a good idea if I could try advertising to the younger crowd somehow. I know that video games are even more popular than when I played them all those years ago. So I done a bit of research, bought a load of stuff, and here I am now, in my shed.”

TDJJ: “You’ve been doing this for a couple of weeks now. Have you noticed any increase in sales?”

HJ: “It’s early days yet, but I think word of mouth is spreading. To be honest it’s been a lot more tricky than I thought it’d be.”

TDJJ: “In what way?”

HJ: “Just the sheer amount of people from different countries. There’s also a lot of hostility, people get angry over the simplest of things. All I’m doing is explaining what I do as a business, tell them where my shop is, but most of the time I just get loads of abuse. I only want to help them with their meat. Plus I struggle with the games, there’s just too many things you can do.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, the gaming landscape has changed in many ways over the last couple of decades. What was the last game you remember playing?”

HJ: “That Mickey Mouse one on the Sega. Quackshot.”

TDJJ: “That was a Donald Duck game. So, what games are you playing now to advertise your business?”

HJ: “At the moment, Fifa 20. I do remember the old Fifa games, but you only had a few buttons and I found it much easier. But the beauty of this modern one is that you can communicate to so many people over the headset about stuff. I feel this game has been the most successful for me. I kept getting banned from the others. It’s like they don’t appreciate my point of view on British butchery, that it’s better than the foreign muck they have.”

TDJJ: “What other games were you playing, and what was happening to get you banned?”

HJ: “The new Mortal Kombat one, Fortnite and a Call of Duty. I weren’t very good at them, especially Call of Duty, so I didn’t have enough time to got through my sales pitch before getting killed. Over time, I felt my blood pressure rising because of this and it would lead to many angry exchanges and I’d take things too far. Fifa is a slower game, so there’s more time for back and forth after I’ve explained things. Still a bit tricky at times though.”

TDJJ: “You mentioned that you realised there are gamers from different countries playing with you. How do you feel it benefits promoting your butchers to someone from, say, Japan?”

HJ: “Well, they might have relatives over here to recommend my business to. Or it might even inspire them to come over. It’s better than all that fish crap they eat.”

TDJJ: “Don’t you sell fish as well?”

HJ: “Yeah, but it’s proper British fish, cod and that. Never been a fan of that sushi stuff, it shouldn’t be a thing.”

I ended the interview shortly afterwards, as Mr Jetpac was getting a bit too xenophobic, and he got redder in the face as a result. Even his wife could hear him from the kitchen, told him to pipe down with the bigotry again.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

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