By Resident Nostalgic Dissatisfaction Expert Roland Cress
They say that your school days are the best days of your life. In reality though, only certain sections of society actually agree with this. Nerds, kids with weight problems, the weird ones, quiet ones, small ones… the list goes on, are all on record disputing this so-called truism, making a mockery of it all. However, life can turn around for former undesirables, as was found out when one of them attended the 10th anniversary reunion for St. Hundredhandslap High School, in Stroud, Gloucestershire. In the years since his time at the school, 26-year old Crispin Transit has improved his hygiene regimen, and has even worked his way up the corporate ladder to a respectable assistant supervisor position at an out-of-town tile merchant. He remembers being picked on by a bunch of popular kids, who also attended the barely-organised quiet get together in a nearby pub.
The group, who called themselves Goaty and co after nominal leader Shane Goat, had remained firm friends since leaving school, and were looking forward to seeing their former classmate to continue their light-hearted bullying. Sadly, due to Mr Transit’s life improvement, they didn’t have the chance to perform their old routine, which includes a lengthy poetic ode to how he smells and likes girls toys. I interviewed a disconsolate Mr Goat, who had to fight back the tears on several occasions throughout, as he describes his sadness from the recent event.
TDJJ: “Mr Goat, I can only imagine your disappointment right now. Your evening plans for you and your group were ruined by the sheer temerity of someone who had bettered themselves.”
SG: “I know, it’s a real shame. We got together the night before in order to get back into the swing of things. I couldn’t remember all the words to the song we used to shout at him as we took turns kicking his satchel around. After a few hours drinking we got the routine down as closely as we could. But it was all for nothing.”
TDJJ: “What was your group’s initial reaction when seeing Mr Transit for the first time in a decade?”
SG: “Well, Wicksy said he saw him now and again walking down the street. Transit avoided his eye contact all the time, which I still find funny, but yeah, it’s been years for me. We sought him out in the crowd, but weren’t sure it was him at first, he’s since shaved his shit bumfluff beard off, though he still had those weird ears. But he looked more assured with himself, talking to some girl none of us can quite remember. Becky something, who was laughing with him. His smell of biscuits and paint had also gone, which was the first thing I noticed. And that’s when I suspected our rehearsed routine of old was under threat.”
TDJJ: “How did he respond to you and your group?”
SG: “He hesitated for a bit, but then attempted to shake my hand. I was tempted to let bygones be bygones, but I had a reputation to uphold, even though I was an adult now with a kid. But I was momentarily lost for words. My brain was trained on the song and kicking combo, but this version of him didn’t reflect anything in the lyrics. Luckily, Banjo Ste began shouting at him, saying he was gay.”
TDJJ: “And was Mr Transit’s dismissive reply the reason that you started brawling with him, leading you to be escorted out by security?”
SG: “Yeah, I couldn’t believe the cheeky bastard, how dare he? After all we did to him years ago! I saw red when he just smirked and callously asked us all why we were still throwing around childish insults. I’d had a few cans before we got there, so my timing was little off. I think I hit him, but I fell onto a table, smashing various glasses and that. And I reckon my clever, articulated comebacks were too much for him, and the security staff felt they had to protect him from the witty roasting.”
TDJJ: “Did your group follow you out?”
SG: “No, they still had a few drinks left. I’m sure they avenged my enforced exit though, once they’d finished. Maybe drew a dick on his head or something. Proper classic!”
TDJJ: “Since that night, I noticed during my research that you’ve been more active on social media, calling out Mr Transit, asking for a fight, any time, any place. Have you had any response yet?”
SG: “Not yet. I can see that he’s been online and seen some of my threats. I also know he’s liked a Polly Pocket fan page as well. I took the piss out him for this but he’s since blocked me. It’s proper weird isn’t it? A grown man clinging to something he liked doing when he was at school.”