HEALTH AND SAFETY EXPERTS DESPAIR AS CONTROVERSIAL NEW FORMAT TO BE INTRODUCED IN BOXING

By Boxing Correspondent Evander Holymackerel

One of the main problems with modern boxing, according to those who ply their trade in the sport in any capacity, is the amount of sanctioning bodies involved creating confusion and frustration at all times, what with their own politics, agendas, and the many belts available in the numerous weight divisions. There’s so many belts available, even you or I could be some kind of world champion right now without knowing. Ridiculous. Though the sanctioning bodies themselves won’t agree with any of this, as there’s too much money involved, some recent news they have agreed with, after a meeting lasting seven hours, is that they are to combine their efforts equally into a new format which sounds very similar to a professional wrestling tournament.

When the details of this new format was explained at a press conference, there was a lot of concern for the boxers in the small weight classes, and another potential major issue is the very idea of what’s required for each boxer involved, throwing all logical boxing strategies out of the window. Despite the backlash and angry comments online from pugilistic purists, the tournament’s show runner, Maximillian Okayjim, has remained firm in his decision that no changes are to be made. I interviewed Mr Okayjim at his gym to find out more.

TDJJ: “Okay Mr Okayjim, for those not aware of this new format in boxing, which you say will revolutionise the sport, can you please explain to the less hardcore fans what to expect.”

RO: “Well, the rumours are true, we have taken inspiration from WWE for this idea, but we’ve amended a few things to cater it more for boxing. Boxerz Rumblez Contestz is gonna be a tournament where thirty boxers are going to battle it out until there’s just one man standing. So, yeah, a bit like the Royal Rumble, even down to each boxer entering the ring every thirty seconds.”

TDJJ: “And this will involve boxers from all weight classes?”

RO: “Every weight class will be represented, yes.”

TDJJ: “I think that’s the main reason why health and safety experts are so concerned. A heavyweight boxer, who could exceed 270lbs in weight would surely do a lot of damage to one of the straw weight boxers, who have the physique of a nine year old. Can you explain why you haven’t really addressed this potential bloodbath?”

RO: “Okay, what these people don’t seem to understand, I said in the press conference that several boxers could gang up on any other. The rule is you need to uppercut a boxer out of the ring in order to eliminate them. There might be an in-ring situation where a few of the smaller boxers work together and simultaneously uppercut a heavyweight in order to do this. That’s what makes it so exciting.”

TDJJ: “But you do understand that boxing has always been a solitary sport, always one against one. Can you understand why the purists out there are losing their collective shit online about this?”

RO: “I understand to a point, but they’ve gotta move with the times. We anticipated UFC doing something similar, it sounds more up their street, but we’ve quite literally beaten them to the punch. These fans are always whining about having too many champions and belts, but they need to realise that the one man standing at the end of the tournament would be seen as the champion of boxing full stop. This is the fairest way. This is the only way.”

TDJJ: “I know you have a lot of powerful businessmen friends who have financed this, with many billions at your disposal in order to make things happen. Was there any boxers that refused your offers to be involved?”

RO: “Some of the top ranked boxers in the lighter weights were concerned, so we just got a few of the fringe contenders who were more grateful for the TV exposure. They were loads cheaper as well.”

TDJJ: “I’m a big fan of the Royal Rumble, as I’m sure a lot of others out there are. Will there be any other similar Rumble rules implemented? Maybe older boxers, any surprise contenders in store?”

RO: “Of course, sure, that was the first thing we discussed. Retired boxers, non-boxers, jobbing actors and minor celebs have all been talked about, there’s gonna be a lot of surprising entrants. But not women. We’re even in advanced talks about having a bunch of certain marsupials who are known for their boxing abilities. We’re working with a few animal rights organisations for that one. But money talks. The money we’ve saved on average boxers and forgettable TV actors is being thrown at these animals.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

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