By Resident Household Essentials Expert Gordon Conscious

The recent effect of panic buying certain items by citizens all over the world has sent the companies who make them into overdrive, with many of them simply unable to keep up with the demand. It has been suggested that hand gel and bread are becoming increasingly rare, and they’ll soon become more valuable than gold, leaving online prices too ridiculous for everyone apart from celebrities. The same goes for the toilet roll shortages, as too many people are getting embroiled in large brawls in shops over stock, with experts expecting the news of the first fatalities from such battles to emerge in the next few days. But while this situation of stockpiling these products is now officially out of hand, one manufacturer is rubbing their collective hands with glee, as they expect sales of their product to go through the roof. Tracy’s Tracing Traders, a moderately-sized company on a Grimsby industrial estate who ply their trade in tracing paper, have increased their staff fivefold in anticipation of increased workload. I interviewed manager Tracy Receptacle in her office to enquire on how she feels her idea in incremental industry is instantly insisted.

TDJJ: “Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, I can see you’re very busy. Why do you feel justified for hiring so many more employees just so you can make more tracing paper?”

TR: “Well, we’ve all seen the photos and videos of empty shelves in shops where toilet roll should be. I saw a literal gap in the market, and I also remembered how as a child, the bog roll at school resembled tracing paper which was mildly painful to use, but there was no sensible alternative. I put two and two together and thought, with a half-hearted advertising campaign aimed at people with nothing to wipe their arses with, we could be selling our wares like there’s no tomorrow. Which mirrors the outlook of these bloodthirsty shoppers.”

TDJJ: “Ah yes, I remember using that stuff at primary school. Very uncomfortable.”

TR: “But it was either using that or using your sleeve. I’m hoping that despite the ongoing toilet roll drought, people are still civilised enough not to use their clothing when finishing up their business.”

TDJJ: “I don’t think we’re that feral yet. I can see the logic of tracing paper being a moderately agreeable substitute.”

TR: “Yes, and I’m also hoping that the parents out there, or basically anyone over 30 having nostalgia for this kind of stuff, like they do for certain films and music they remember as a child. Pink custard, that kind of thing.”

TDJJ: “So your advertising campaign is going to be aimed towards people who grew up in the 80s and 90s?”

TR: “Precisely, then those people would influence their kids or other children into doing the same, making it sound cool and retro. Happy memories passing from generation to generation.”

TDJJ: “With all the panicking happening right now, and no signs of it abating any time soon, how are you going to make sure that your campaign is going to have maximum effect in such a short amount of time?”

TR: “While it’s true about there being no end in sight, we’re keenly aware that this could change any day, depending on the daily scare stories. We’re confidently going to start advertising on the usual social media outlets, primarily Twitter. When these people are looking for the next shops to fight in over shortages, that’s where our adverts will be.”

TDJJ: “Have you secured any older celebrities from back in the day to help your advertising? I hear a lot of them are quite cheap to use.”

TR: “Yeah, we’ve got a couple of people from Grange Hill and we’re using the original theme tune. Also, we’ve used de-ageing CGI on David Hasselhoff to make him look like he did on Knight Rider, which was a partial success. Sadly, we had to cheat on the reconstructions when showing kids using our tracing paper, as no modern children have 80s hair so we had to employ wigs.”

TDJJ: “And have you thought of a catchy slogan?”

TR: “We’re working on it. We’re struggling to come up with something that rhymes with Spandau Ballet, while making sure it makes sense within the context of our campaign. Anyone out there with suggestions please get in touch, time is of the essence.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

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