DISILLUSIONED CHILD MAKES UP OWN IMPRACTICAL MARTIAL ART AFTER QUITTING ESTABLISHED ONE

By Resident Kung Fu Master Cedric Hwoarang

The art of fighting was established millions of years ago, probably starting when man first walked the earth, with cave paintings depicting scraps between cavemen, usually with one of them trying to impress their girlfriend. Over time, various fighting disciplines were established through the years, which became known as martial arts, and began being taught around the world. Cut to the present day, and many of these fighting styles are still around, with their philosophies, grading and ways of impressing girlfriends remaining intact. However, an 11 year old lad from Uttoxeter in Staffordshire, Bruce Norris, has recently quit his Shotokan karate lessons, as he feels that the discipline is impractical in this day and age. He has since begun working on a new fighting style, mainly to mock those who have stuck out the lessons for more than five weeks and have gotten higher belts as a result. I interviewed Mr Norris in his dad’s garage while he goes through a few of his fighting routines.

TDJJ: “Bruce, when did you realise that Shotokan karate wasn’t for you?”

BN: “I saw a pattern forming in the stuff we had to do. The sensei people were showing us how to punch and kick and stuff, and we were then told to do this sequence called a kata or something. This involved walking and punching a few times in a straight line, then turning around and doing it the other way. I never saw the logic, this isn’t how fighting works, but I stuck with it for a bit anyway, thinking it’d get better when you start using weapons. It got to a test day or something, and we had to do the kata thing, and I kept “failing” and had to keep doing it again and again. After the fourth time, I was getting pissed off and gave up, told everyone to fuck off and left.”

TDJJ: “I don’t know much about combat sports, but this kata thing might be something to teach you discipline in some way.”

BN: “But it wouldn’t work in a fight! There were times in the lessons where we’d get in a circle and a couple of people had a karate fight, but none of them were doing a kata, they were fighting like you see in films, but not quite as good.”

TDJJ: “Don’t they tell you that you can’t use your martial arts outside of the lessons?”

BN: “Yeah, that’s another thing. You learn all this stuff, and probably some death moves as well when you’re a black belt, but you’re not allowed to use them in the playground? What if the other kid had a knife? Why would I be only allowed to use regular shit in that situation, when I have all these special moves at my disposal? I don’t watch it any more, but the Ninja Turtles would be shit if they were restricted in the same way.”

TDJJ: “Did you consider learning any other forms of fighting at all?”

BN: “I looked at a few others on the internet, but they looked very basic for me. Thing is, I don’t have the patience to get to a point where they’d eventually teach you the stuff you see in films. I want to know how to fight like they do in The Raid 1 and 2 and Bloodsport now!”

TDJJ: “Despite these frustrations, you’ve been inspired enough to start creating your own martial art in response. How’s that been progressing?”

BN: “It’s going all right. Not got a name for it yet, but it’s not got any bits where you have to walk in a line. That’s asking for trouble when fighting some kid because he’s got a shit coat on. There’s a bit of dancing to confuse the opponent, and also moves to make the other kid think you’re hurt. He’ll then come forward with his guard down all confident and you just kick and punch the dick until he’s fucked on the floor. You’re also gonna be able to use weapons. Why wouldn’t you use a loose paving stone, as long as you can lift it? Or a broken bottle? Remember, they’d do the same to you.”

TDJJ: “Sound like you’ve been thinking a lot about this. Have you given much thought about an end game for yourself?”

BN: “What?”

TDJJ: “I mean, what are your future plans? Is there a goal that you’re working towards?”

BN: “I’m gonna perfect my martial art first then get a few mates, like Nash and Kev, and get together and come up with a menacing name to call our gang, and probably decide on wearing black karate suits. I’ll then train up other kids until there’s about 20 of us, then walk into the Shotokan place as a gang and challenge them to a fight.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel you’d get to a point where you could fight someone who’s a black belt? I imagine they‘d be pretty good.”

BN: “Yeah, I’d do it next week if it was just me. It’s just that all his mates would join in when I’m winning, and I’d need people with me that are similarly skilled in my fighting style to back me up. The karate people might be able to kick and punch faster than me, but can they dodge house bricks? Possibly, for a bit, but we’re going to bring loads of them. One of them’s bound to hit, isn’t it? That’ll be one of the many advantages of my martial art over theirs. Plus, all the black belts there are all proper old.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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