By Resident Escapologist Expert Dewey Mc Swan

One of the most popular truisms in life is that you can’t run away from your problems, as they’ll still be there, and it doesn’t solve anything. It’s estimated that about 98% of the world’s population has tried to run away from tricky situations at least once, but doing this had indeed exacerbated the situation. Most people learn this by their own errors, or have seen other people’s lives fall apart when they attempted to avoid the unavoidable, and vowed to not do it themselves. But a 65-year old retired actor from Essex has proven to be the exception to the rule, and is even profiting 10 years after his problems first arose. I interviewed Alf Glassback, the man who made a million from his running away and made a mockery of the apparent aphorism, outside a bar near his villa in Marbella.

TDJJ: “Mr Glassback, you’ve told me that doing this interview will probably make you sound a bit selfish and unlikeable. But that’s not your intention is it?”

AG: “Not at all. If people hear me out, they’d understand why I’ve done what I’ve done for 10 years now. You see, I was a jobbing actor back in the day, struggling to get any decent work apart from a few pantos and being a Father Christmas in a shop one year. My dream was to be in an action movie franchise like the Bourne ones, where you go round doing stuff knowing that the government or someone is tracking you all the time. The adrenaline must be a proper rush, looking over your shoulder during your waking hours, anticipating being shot with a tranquilliser at any moment.”

TDJJ: “But you gave up the acting gig didn’t you?”

AG: “Yeah, unfortunately I wasn’t making enough money, so I thought if I can’t act as though I’m Jason Bourne, I could be one by getting a job doing what he does. Or used to do, as in the films he can’t remember or something. I spent all our savings on getting a one way ticket to America to get a job with the CIA, but I read the map wrong when going to the interview. I realised I’d be about an hour late if I got on the right bus from where I was when I realised my error, so decided not to go. They wouldn’t tolerate lateness, not in that line of work.”

TDJJ: “How did you get back home if you only had a one-way ticket and no money?”

AG: “The missus had to get the cash transferred from her dad’s account. I’d be lying if I said she was pleased to do this. I stayed at my brother’s flat for a few months when I got back. This confirmed to me that they all hated me.”

TDJJ: “How did you pay off all the debts? Did you at least end things amicably with your ex?”

AG: “Not really. It was tricky because it involved a few credit card companies, selling things that weren’t mine in pubs and getting in hot water with a few of the local uncredited debt collectors. So it was a bit like robbing Peter to pay Paul, only there were loads of Peters.”

TDJJ: “Is that how you ended up here?”

AG: “Yeah. Thing is, I got this idea as I’ve read quite a few articles about people going to places like here to start a new life. And to be honest, the constant bickering I’d been getting from my brother and everyone else was annoying me, so I just got on a plane to escape. And ten years later, I’m still here! But I tell you what, knowing that I could be accosted at any moment from anyone from back home is thrilling. My anxiety rises every time I see a plane in the sky, half expecting my brother or someone on there baying for my blood. It’s feels like I’m in a really long action film, it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”

TDJJ: “But how have you made your fortune?”

AG: “Well I’ve been doing the circuit around here, telling my daring story in the bars and restaurants for a small fee. This soon became a lucrative business, it seems everyone wants to hear a triumphant tale of someone overcoming the odds. Eventually, I had enough to start funding a Spanish TV series loosely based on my exploits. Even after 10 years of living here I’ve not bothered to learn the language, as I prefer to just point and shout slowly – hey, I’m English – so unfortunately I couldn’t play myself in the show. It’s still a great success, running for several seasons now. I think my decision for me to have several wives at the same time in the show, who are all always in a state of undress helps the ratings. That’s how I make my fortune. Couldn’t be happier.”

TDJJ: “And do you think your past will ever come back to haunt you?”

AG: “After my fictional wives have left my trailer and I make the way to my palatial villa alone, I do think there’d be a day when it’d happen, during the quiet times. The tension’s electric, amplified further after a few whiskeys and lager. Makes me paranoid, that combination. So I’d say if you’re an adrenalin junkie like me, cause enough problems like I did then run away. It’s great fun!”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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