FORTHRIGHT COUNCIL EMPLOYEE DEFIES SUPERIORS, MOVES FORWARD WITH REFUSE SOLUTION AND E.T. HYPOTHESIS

By Rubbish Correspondent Frank Discourse

If you watch any documentary about Earth, or have seen any sci fi film where aliens come to visit our planet and air their views on what they see, one thing that is always made certain – that humankind are killing the planet, we don’t recycle properly and it’s only a matter of time before we drown in our own filth. Either that or futuristic cyborgs overthrow us and we then go the same way as the dinosaurs. But one council employee from Slough believes he has the perfect hypothesis to not only stop our slow march to oblivion, but to also reverse the damage already done. 62-year old Barry Watchskies has been working for Slough Council for three years as a Site Recycling Assistant, and quickly made his name for making radical decisions about how things could be done better. His latest idea was initially criticised within his own department, but he’s since sent an email to U.S. Government Agency NASA, such is his confidence with his proposal. I interviewed Mr Watchskies in his local pub during his dinner break, to find out how this situation is progressing.

TDJJ: “Mr Watchskies, I’m potentially only the third person to read your proposal, including yourself, and I believe if NASA take your plan on board, this will be truly be world saving. So for the benefit of everyone out there, can you sum up your plan?”

BW: “Well, I’ll admit that the idea has already been shut down for various reasons in the past, but I reckon we should somehow fire all the Earth’s rubbish into space instead of further polluting the very surface of where we walk. I get the scepticism, but with almost daily news about life being found on other planets, who’s to say that the aliens won’t like what we’re sending up? It might be food for them. Literally food for thought.”

TDJJ: “Interesting theory. You sound like you know the reasons why this hasn’t been put in place before: the astronomical costs, the issue of how to actually transport it all, gravity itself…”

BW: “I get all that, but surely we need to move forward before it’s too late. What’s more important – survival of the human race or saving a bit of cash? We’ll be saving all the animals as well. I for one like having pets. It’s worth a go if you ask me.”

TDJJ: “How did you come up with this plan including aliens?”

BW: “I woke up from a dream one night last week. I’d been watching Superman IV a few times and drinking heavily earlier that day. The film’s not very good, but it goes on about Superman throwing nuclear weapons into space. I know we don’t have anyone with his ability on Earth in order to do that, but it got me thinking: what if we use rockets to throw a few batches of trash up there? Kind of like throwing bait into a river when fishing? Then just wait and see what aliens pick up the scent. The law of averages dictate that we’re not alone in this universe, there must be a race of beings out there who would find use in old mattresses, broken crockery and mouldy fish.”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing you’d have trackers on all the rubbish?”

BW: “Exactly, as well as cameras. Then all we’ve got to do is follow the co-ordinates, then transport the whole lot to them on a weekly basis, say every Friday. Plus there’d be a point in the aggressive expansion of the operation where we could then start on the contents of current landfills.”

TDJJ: “And you were laughed at by the colleague you first told?”

BW: “Yeah, he couldn’t believe that I’d spent all night thinking about it. But I’m used to having people doubt my ideas of improving the planet. My proposal for making everyone own a goat, in order to allow it to eat their trash was also dismissed. But goats will eat anything, so long as you don’t give it anything else to do. But this idea is definitely going to work. That’s why I emailed NASA, such is my faith in the idea. I’m no scientist or good at maths, but I’m sure they could do something with this. All I ask for is recognition and an asteroid to be named after me.”

TDJJ: “Have you heard anything back yet?”

BW: “No, but I remain hopeful. I’m guessing they’re very busy with making new discoveries in space, things that are currently unfathomable to our feeble human minds.”

TDJJ: “What would you do if they also dismiss your hypothesis, or not respond at all?”

BW: “I’m confident they’d get round to answer. This is right up their street, it’s what they get paid for. Listen, I couldn’t possibly understand the motivations of a completely different species not from this Earth, I got shit grades at school, but these people are scientists and everything!”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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