By Supernatural Grappling Correspondent Sid “Crazed” Integrity

The recent wrestling title fight that took place at a community centre in Kirkburton, Huddersfield between Ronald “Mean Bean” Horsefist and Vinny “E-I-E-I” O’ Farm, has been controversially declared a no-contest. The match was won by Mr O’ Farm via his finishing move The Cattle Clutch, a variant of the Full Nelson. Once Mr Horsefist tapped out, the crowd went wild as Mr O’ Farm held aloft the much sought after WWKH Championship belt above his head, fulfilling a life long dream. However, his post-fight interview aroused suspicion as the new champion explained that he felt his ancestors in there helping him. The video of the fight was then studied, and the resulting decision to strip Mr O’ Farm of the title was made as there was indeed a few faintly visible figures in the ring with him. I interviewed Mr O’ Farm in his trailer on a supermarket car park, to find out his opinions in light of these events.

TDJJ: “Mr O’ Farm, I appreciate that you’re still furious with this decision, but can you understand why it was made?”

VO’F: “The thing I don’t get, I know the WWKH rules about getting illegal help in the ring. Basically, you can’t have anyone in the ring illegally to influence the fight. That’s an automatic disqualification for the wrestler being helped, and the fight is deemed a no-contest. Says nothing about ghosts in there.”

TDJJ: “Have you seen the video of the fight?”

VO’F: “Yes, I insisted. The video’s a bit blurry and shaky to be honest. It was filmed by some bloke in the crowd on his phone. But, yeah, you can just about make out three spooky figures in there, visibly phasing in and out as the match wore on.”

TDJJ: “And you confirmed that these were ghosts of your ancestors?”

VO’F: “Well, I couldn’t deny it to be honest. My Great Granddad, Grandad and dad all wrestled in distinctive luminous yellow and pink singlets, like myself, so when they showed up on the video, you could’ve knocked me down with a feather.”

TDJJ: “Incidentally, no one in the community centre, not even Mr Horsefist, said they saw any paranormal activity in there. You mentioned that you could feel their help, but couldn’t you see them in the ring yourself?”

VO’F: “No, I was in the zone, too focused on the dangerous opponent in front of me. I never believed in ghosts or things like that anyway, I thought all that stuff sounded a bit silly. But this changed everything.”

TDJJ: “According to WWKH officials, after reviewing the footage, there was a moment near the end when Mr Horsefist suddenly fell to the mat shortly after the top rope appeared to bend on its own. Video analysts said that an almost see through man had clotheslined him, thus allowing you to put him in your Cattle Clutch move to win the match. This was the main indication that some foul play was afoot. What did you make of Mr Horsefist’s sudden fall near the end?”

VO’F: “I know he’s got a history of heart issues, he is pushing 80 after all, so I just felt that he was having another one of his turns. But either way, no one gets out of…THE CATTLE CLUTCH!”

TDJJ: “I don’t think now’s a good time for your gloating, he’s only just been taken out of intensive care, there’s still a way for him to go yet. Were you aware that WWKH are now reviewing a lot of your older matches, to see if there’s any similar foul play?”

VO’F: “They did make me aware, and now I’m concerned that people will view me as a fraud, that I had somehow conjured up my dead relatives to gain unfair advantages, which is downright ludicrous. As I said, I didn’t think all that stuff even existed.”

TDJJ: “There’s been renewed interest in the documentary on your late father, Donnie “Duck” O’ Farm, particularly his relationship with you, as he was always telling you that you’d be a champion like him and the others in your family. Do you think that they came back out of frustration, as it took you over 40 years to finally win the title?”

VO’F: “I hope not. I felt as thought I’d win the fight anyway, as by that time Ronald was wheezing and clutching his heart in between all the fake punching and moonsaults. Listen, I’ve been in this wrestling game for almost 60 years now, loyal to the Huddersfield Community Centre whenever they held these tournaments. I could’ve gone to the bigger promotions in America, but I kept to my roots to honour my family. They should keep out of my business, they’ve had their time.”

TDJJ: “If the enquiry shows that you qualified for the title fight on your own merit, would you give Mr Horsefist a rematch? He’s called you out on a video he made on his hospital bed.”

VO’F: “Yeah, and it’ll go the same way, ghosts or no ghosts. I know you’re reading this, Horsefist, you’re gonna feel pain. When we meet in the ring again, I’m gonna make sure everyone sees that is wasn’t a lucky clothesline. I’m too strong, too fast, too handsome for you. And remember, no one gets out of…THE CATTLE CLUTCH!”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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