By Resident Useful Object Expert Lenny Cigbreak

It’s taken her 13 years for her to complete it, but R&B star Rihanna has finally finished working on her new album, Useful Shiznit, in which all the tracks are sequels or “companion pieces” to her 2007 classic Umbrella. The song itself has been regarding as her signature hit, with many people thinking she was just singing about an umbrella for some reason. However, she did make several statements at the time about the real meaning behind the song – it’s about relationships or something – but no one really believed her, and some of her fans even called her out for trying to be too clever. Resigned to the fact that everyone preferred to view the song as an ode to rainfall protection equipment, she in turn changed direction a bit with her music. And that was that, until this news of her album that’s full of songs about other helpful objects. I interviewed Rihanna outside the gates to her mansion, as the button to open the gates was broken, and I wasn’t prepared to climb them as they had barbed wire everywhere to stop paparazzi and lawyers. Her mansion is set back quite far, and I had to yell my questions, and she had to shout back the responses. So for added authenticity, read this interview very loudly.

TDJJ: “Rihanna, since your song about an umbrella, you’ve branched out slightly with your other music, and your career has gone from strength to strength. What are the reasons behind your decision to make this new album full of sequels?”

R: “It’s one of my biggest hits, and I’ve since accepted that people took it as face value. I feel it’s layered with other meanings, but you’ve got to listen to your fans, you know? Over time, I’ve toyed with the idea of doing songs namechecking other useful items, but I couldn’t figure out how they’d fit in to my usual tracks about relationships and that. I didn’t want people thinking I was coming across as pretentious again. So, I thought ‘bugger it’ and decided to make a whole album about items around the house that I use on a regular basis.”

TDJJ: “I notice there’s a track actually called Umbrella II. That’s pretty cool, though it does sound like a very dull action film. Was that your intention?”

R: “Actually, yeah. My people are currently in talks in Hollywood to get a movie franchise off the ground with this idea. I’ve been in a few films like that boat one, so I’m gonna be the main star using my umbrella in ways that some consider to be unnatural. I’m planning this song to be in the sequel.”

TDJJ: “I thought you were going to say ‘Using my umbrella-ella-ella hey’ just then.”

R: “What? Sorry, I didn’t get that.”

TDJJ: “I said, I thought you were going to say ‘Using my umbrella-ella-ella hey’ just then! You know, like as a joke?”

R: “Yeah, it’s about me and an umbrella hitting bad guys.”

TDJJ: “Never mind. Do you plan on releasing all the tracks on the album, based on the strength of them being directly connected to Umbrella?”

R: “Yeah, most definitely. My next song is called Blender. It’s about my blender. You heard that here first, you got an exclusive!”

TDJJ: “Thanks. We at The Daily JabJab really need some publicity. Have you decided to write the songs with any extra layers, can any of the lyrics be interpreted in any other way?”

R: “No. And you know what? I’ve felt liberated by that. All I had to do was get 12 of my favourite household items, make a list about why I like them, then just get some of the words to rhyme. Simple, yet effective.”

TDJJ: “So, the tracks ‘Bucket’, ‘Towels’, Hair Dryer’, ‘Sewing Machine’, ‘Wok’, ‘Flowery Cushion’ and all the others have no hidden depth to them?”

R: “They don’t, and I’m not bothered about all the poor reviews out there. My fans will buy the album. Some of the items I’ve made a song about are very popular with them, maybe even resonate strongly. I mean, who doesn’t love the versatility of buckets?”

Useful Shiznit will be released in two weeks, available from many websites and all remaining stores that still sell CDs.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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