By Resident Trainee Brain Surgeon Carl Wholesale
A police officer from Swindon has had to take an unplanned break from his work, as he’s genuinely concerned on how certain memories have been playing out in his mind for the last several years. 54-year old Eugene Minerlair has been a cop for 35 years, and in that time he’s refused any kind of promotion because he loves working the streets so much, and he’s never had any time off until now. Mr Minerlair has since consulted a few specialists, but none seem to understand why this is happening. He really wants to go to America to speak with the world’s best neurologist, Quentin Duckstyle, but despite his profession and the salary he gets, he’s unable to afford a series of consultations with the esteemed brain doctor. Mr Minerlair has therefore decided to conduct this interview with me, in the hope that Mr Duckstyle somehow stumbles across it and decides to lower his prices due to the unique nature of what’s going on.
TDJJ: “In all my two months training in neurology, I’ve never heard of anything close to what you’ve been experiencing. For the benefit of people out there for whom this would be beyond their understanding, can you explain what’s happening with your memories?”
EM: “I’ve been experiencing moments, where during certain situations both at work and home, I have flashbacks to events which somehow tie in with what I’m doing. At the moment, the memories have a kind of sepia tone look to them when the situation is work-based, whereas when I recall a past event from my personal life, it’s played out like an old, scratchy 8mm home video. Sometimes these looks swap around, but they’re consistent in the work/life situations. And I’m fucked if I know why.”
TDJJ: “Do you remember the first time this happened?”
EM: “Professionally, I think it was during my surprise 10 year anniversary on the force. The gaffer was giving his speech, and my mind went back to the time when I came stumbling through the doors on my first day as a spotty youth. I thought nothing of it, put it down to just one of those things that everyone else experienced. Kind of like a rose tinted glasses scenario.”
TDJJ: “And it was just happening at key events?”
EM: “Yeah usually. like the time I first killed a criminal in cold blood, or the first time I went into a brothel on a fact finding mission, or when I took my first bribe in a briefcase. The things that you’d never forget. Everyone’s got these types of memories stored away in their head, but it’s played back normally for them.”
TDJJ: “So when you spoke to a colleague about this, and you described the above events and more, things didn’t go exactly as you planned.”
EM: “No. I forgot he was a mutual friend with my ex wife’s side. He told me he couldn’t keep things secret as his loyalty was with them. So they all found out about many incidents, like the first group of drunk women I helped into the back of my van, and when I was first propositioned by a female driver who was unable to pay an on the spot fine for breaking a law that doesn’t actually exist. The list goes on, but that was enough for my ex to start divorce proceedings. She wouldn’t listen to reason.”
TDJJ: “This tied in with your increased drinking and visits to your doctor didn’t it? You were then referred you to some specialists. Explain your frustration during this time.”
EM: “No matter who I spoke to, I got the same blank expression, like I was speaking to them in Greek or something. I did all kinds of tests, everything checked out normal, apart from the kidney issues due to the cans of strong ale I’d been drinking that day. I still went into work despite all this, but the flashbacks got more intense. It wasn’t just key scenes now, it was also affecting my short term memory, and even started to warp reality. One time I was thinking my colleagues were telling me to get naked, but then I was told that they said nothing of the sort. I then had to retrieve my uniform that I’d thrown into the nearby river.”
TDJJ: “So in light of this, you feel that a series of meetings with Dr Quentin Ducktype is your only option? What with your legal costs mounting due to your crumbling private life, how do you see yourself affording this?”
EM: “Well I know that he likes to tackle out of the ordinary cases like this. Just like the time he inserted memories of an old man into a teenager, who then had to listen to this old guy talking about things that had no relevance to anything in the teenager’s life. If I sell my car, I could probably afford the plane ticket there and maybe a couple of hours with the great man. I need to do this before everything’s taken from me in the settlement. Failing that, I’d either have to take on double shifts or start up a charity to raise enough money, pretend it’s for guide dogs or something. That sounds easier actually.”
I ended the interview there, as inspiration has clearly struck Mr Minerlair, he wanted to go so he could start planning it all. He got back to me later that day and asked for donations for his new charity which is definitely a cause for guide dogs, and no one would doubt a cop. He’s thinking of using the disused building which used to be a Woolworths near the police station as his charity HQ. He said people could drop their donations through the letterbox during business hours.