By Resident Juvenile Fight Expert Buster Gaylord

Ever since their previous fight a year ago was broken up by a couple of teachers in a science lesson, schoolchildren at Spinning Birdkick High School in Wombourne, South Staffordshire had been eagerly waiting for a rematch between the two combatants. It was widely believed that 13-year old Edwin Shed was winning the fight before Mr Mangel, the science teacher stepped in. But friends of the other kid, Wozza Ramsey, claimed that he was winning because he used his satchel more effectively. The second fight finally took place in the dinner hall last week, after weeks of questioning each other’s sexuality, and bringing their respective mums into the argument. Edwin soundly leathered his foe using numerous chairs, walked away with a popular girl, and the argument seemed to have ended there. But things took a turn for the bizarre, as Wozza has since failed to turn up at school, but has posted a few barely comprehensible shouted videos on his Facebook page, which has only made things worse for him. I interviewed Wozza’s best friend Ian Seeds, who’s the only one who’s spoken to him since the defeat.

TDJJ: “So, Ian, what was your assessment of the fight?”

IS: “Edwin’s a dick, we said nothing about using chairs, it wasn’t properly done.”

TDJJ: “But Wozza used one first, you can see that on the replay. Also, according to one of his videos before the fight, Wozza said there’s no rules, anything goes in the fight.”

IS: “Whatever. Wozza’s not scared of anyone!”

TDJJ: “Okay. He fled the school straight after the fight, crying, and hasn’t been back since. What do you make of the videos he’s posted, of the many excuses he’s made for the loss?”

IS: “You don’t know what it’s like to be the hardest in the year, lose a fight unfairly, then realise that loads of things were against you afterwards. Have you even been to school?”

TDJJ: “I’ve actually been to University. Got a degree.”

IS: “Yeah, a degree in your mum’s gay!”

TDJJ: “Can we keep this civil, please? I was referring to the reasons that Wozza claims made him lose the fight. For instance, his bag was heavier than usual that day, had to carry it for ages, which hurt his legs. Wasn’t he planning to use it against Edwin as it was loaded with several big text books?”

IS: “Well, yeah, but it also had his own work in as well. He did loads of writing in English that morning, so I believe him about the extra ink in his exercise book weighing him down.”

TDJJ: “And what about his new trousers not having the same stretchiness than the ones he usually wears?”

IS: “He’s a black belt in martial arts, regularly knocks out the sensei, he’s told us all this several times. He’s used to having the ability to roundhouse younger kids at school and do drop kicks. This was the reason he wasn’t as agile.”

TDJJ: “According to a group of girls in your class who’ve since stopped believing Wozza’s fanciful claims, he’s lost his last few fights and has reacted in very similar ways. Do you think this latest defeat tarnishes his reputation even more? Surely Edwin now holds the esteemed title of Hardest Kid In School doesn’t he?”

IS: “Yeah but Wozza made his fearsome reputation by kicking the shit out of the weak kids, ones with glasses and fat bastards, or ones who are just weird. He even threatened a few of the supply teachers and Miss Juniper, who’s gay as fuck. He knows how to scrap, he’ll be back.”

TDJJ: “But what about his many previous excuses? That group of girls told me that one of them made him cry after a brief scuffle. Wozza said he had multiple operations the day before on his armpit where the girl hit him, but there was no medical evidence to back this up. Do you think his continued unsubstantiated claims are why no one takes him seriously any more?”

I ended the interview there as the response wasn’t articulated in a professional conduct. Ian said he knew where I lived and that his dad and many uncles, who are all over six foot five, will be round and everything to destroy me. The resulting murder will then be posted on the usual social media outlets as a warning to the police and Edwin, and then Wozza will call me a gay. Then it was suggested that I should fuck off several times. So, I left with that information. Not because I was scared, obviously.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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