By Legal Correspondent Hector Heckle-Jeckle

There are certain laws and loopholes, that for better or worse are exploited by a great many UK citizens, whether it’s skimming money from tills as a supermarket employee, or not indicating on every turn while driving. The people who commit these misdemeanours are fairly safe in their mind that they’d get away with it because of lack of policing, and that it’s not the end of the world if a few quid goes missing or some drivers get momentarily inconvenienced because a car in front didn’t tell them where they’re going. 28-year old Will Toucan, from Lincoln, is one such person who thought that he could get away with a crime, in his case robbery, using a system which led him to believe was a loophole. But like every single crime ever committed, it didn’t pay off, as he got reckless and thought he was untouchable. Mr Toucan is due to serve five years in prison, and he phoned our offices and asked for an interview with The Daily JabJab. I took that call.

TDJJ: “What made you call us up using your one phone call while under arrest?”

WT: “Well, no one in my family are talking to me now, and the missus definitely doesn’t want anything to do with me after what happened. I saw your office across the road when being driven to the cop station, so I thought I’d call up and give my side of the story.”

TDJJ: “So you’re going down for five years for a series of robberies in the local town centre. Can you explain what your method was, and why you thought it was a loophole?”

WT: “I’ve got twin daughters, they’re nearly three, and I use a double buggy when out and about with the missus. One day, we went into the Pound shop for some toys. One of them really likes these dolls that shits slime, they’re advertised a lot on kids TV. They didn’t have any that day so we left to get my phone fixed because I dropped it while scaffolding. It was only when we got home when I noticed there were loads of imitation Lego sets shoved under the pram. They both owned up to doing it. It was too late to go back and return them, so we just kept them instead. This got me thinking, and the following day I tested my theory out and it worked. And the rest is history.”

TDJJ: “So you felt by having the double buggy, it meant that you had sufficient cover when you were shoplifting?”

WT: “Exactly. I know there’s cameras everywhere, but after the fifth time, I realised that a man with a double buggy looks less likely to do such things, that I looked so responsible. And if Shirley’s reading this, I am responsible, neither of them got hurt or anything!”

TDJJ: “I’m not sure she’ll be reading. We’re quite small fry.”

WT: “But you have an office. And you wear glasses.”

TDJJ: “I’m not sure– okay, doesn’t matter. Getting back to your story, were you targeting any particular items or shops?”

WT: “I didn’t really have a plan to begin with, it was mainly sweets, pies and plastic bracelets for the little ‘uns. See, I’m responsible! But then I made a list, just a few things that I’d definitely buy if I had the money. Since I was laid off, it’s been tough money-wise. Discovering this loophole was like striking oil or something.”

TDJJ: “But it wasn’t a loophole, I’m sure that was explained to you enough times. What made you believe it was?”

WT: “Well, you hear about cutbacks in the police, that they’re all having to prioritise, going for the real criminals, like my mate who’s a hacker and someone else I know who sets road signs on fire. Plus all that paperwork involved, especially when there’s kids involved. As I say, neither of them came to any harm! I was simply providing for my family, that was my only intention.”

TDJJ: “When you ran away from a gadget shop with a £5,000 drone propped on top of the double buggy, and you then proceeded to spin in a circle before falling down, how was that providing for your family?”

WT: “I really wanted a drone. A decent one, one that could chase the cat and maybe carry it for a bit. I reckon we’d all find that funny, so it was for them if you think about it. It was busy when I ran out of the shop, I got confused because of the few cans I’d drunk earlier. I lost my balance and fell on the hard concrete. Luckily some cops were nearby, and I was man enough to admit that I was running too fast in a public place, especially with two children, and promised I’d never do it again. I explained my intention with the drone, that it’s for their entertainment, and I’d definitely pay for it if I could. Unfortunately they didn’t acknowledge my caring ways. Phone calls were made, and Shirley came to take the kids away, despite my loud pleading.”

TDJJ: “And now here you are, waiting to start your sentence. If Shirley was to read this interview, we’ll make some enquiries, what would you tell her?”

WT: “Everyone’s got it wrong. I’m a likeable guy, I’m not like other criminals who do crimes for selfish reasons. If only that drone was cheaper. I still wouldn’t be able to afford it, but they wouldn’t have cared as much if it was about £50 or something. The economy’s to blame, not me!”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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