By Resident Fictional Story Expert Harold Alloallo

A disgraced scientist from Cambridge, 50-year old Eric Ernieson, had a plan to take over the world in a very implausible manner, but he was apparently scuppered last week in an equally implausible manner. According to reports, Mr Ernieson was involved in a science experiment in which resulted in him turning into a giant wooden marionette without the need for strings. It was thought that he then decided, possibly due to his new form, that everyone should be marionettes without the need for strings, and then they’d see him as their creator and bow down to him, and thus he would rule the world. However a local youth, who has a reputation of fighting crime in scuba diving gear and calling himself ScubaDoo, found the stringless marionetted Mr Ernieson in his lair. ScubaDoo, who’s real identity isn’t known, then explained to the scientist how he found him, then had him arrested and put into the town’s asylum. Since then Mr Ernieson, who is unable to change back to to his human form, still can’t believe the chain of events that led ScubaDoo to him. I interviewed Mr Ernieson to get more information.

TDJJ: “Thanks for granting me this interview. It’s a bit cold in here isn’t it?”

EE: “They need to keep the temperature as low as this because I kept bursting into flames as I’m completely wooden now.”

TDJJ: “Is there no way of reversing this?”

EE: “I have a few ideas, but to be honest after a week of being in this form I’m kind of okay with it. I’m sure this sounds unorthodox but your puny mind couldn’t possibly comprehend my supreme intellect.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, you’re a scientist and I’m not. I’m not made of wood either. But I didn’t come here to argue.”

EE: “I’m just practising my villain speeches for when I get my hands on ScubaDoo!”

TDJJ: “So, how did he explain things to you? I could only find out about an underground train. Which in itself sounds ridiculous.”

EE: “He said he was frustrated one night, he had a falling out with his girlfriend over a sandwich. Go figure. Anyway, this led him to throw his calculator on the floor, which broke and revealed some rare coins, which led him down the sewers because of something his dad told him years earlier because the coins were his. Then that underground train came up though the sewer floor after he guessed a series of button presses on a Cold War era console. The train doors opened, and he saw a computer somehow set up with a YouTube video of his dad from years ago, who then gave him some quiz show style vague puzzles in order to find my lair. Something like that any way.”

TDJJ: “He told you all that?”

EE: “Over coffee, yes.”

TDJJ: “I…I Can’t… what?”

EE: “I know, complete bollocks isn’t it? I did some research on ScubaDoo, he usually goes after low level thugs and pimps, people who rob newsagents. There’s no real master plan into capturing those kinds of miscreants. This is completely out of character for him.”

TDJJ: “Do you think he worked with someone else on this?”

EE: “That’s just not how he is, he’s fiercely protective over his identity, a bit like Banksy. Even his girlfriend doesn’t know his secret. He works alone, but there’s got to be another way how he found me. I call BS on his story. Listen, if you made a film with this as a plan, no one would believe it.”

TDJJ: “But however he did find your lair, and you ended up in here as a result. Do you think, given that you had a hand in his dad’s murder all those years ago, that he concocted such a silly story for you to explain to the cops to make you sound suitably insane, in order to get his revenge?”

EE: “Maybe, now I think about it. What are the odds that his story could actually take place given real world logic? My marionette state doesn’t help my case, but once I’m out, I’ll revenge the shit out of him.”

TDJJ: “I see the police have said they found your plans at your destroyed lab for making everyone in the world into your image. Was this always your plan, before you became all wood?”

EE: “As far as I can recall. You see, I was fired for my unnatural thinking. They told me that my methods weren’t plausible or practical in society. But who’s laughing now? I made it happen! I’m entirely wooden. My eyes look a bit creepy, but I’ve proved to the world that humans, with all their complexity, can be turned into a completely different material! The fools!”

Me Ernieson started to cackle and look at his outstretched hands in front of his eyes. A few guards then rushed in and shot tranquillisers at him to shut him up. Apparently, he makes similar speeches to himself every 20 minutes, and frankly they’re fed up with it.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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