By Employment Correspondent Trent Zerohours

An unemployed scrounger, 25-year old Dave Tennents, from Yeovil, has just been through yet another emotional ordeal, as he received an email saying he hadn’t got the job that he was interviewed for. Mr Tennents has been here before so many times, and despite his efforts, he’s still unable to get any type of work. He feels the latest setback, being rejected at a local department store for a customer service advisor role, is the final straw, and has decided to take matters into his own hands. I spoke with Mr Tennents to get his reasoning for going back into the store, in order to utilise a plan that has so far yielded no positive outcomes.

TDJJ: “So, Mr Tennents, can you talk through your reasoning for going back into Ker-razy Keith’z Savingz Storezz a few days after your rejection?”

DT: “I just wanted to know who got the job over me, see how they’re doing things. I know the shop pretty well, I’ve been going there for a while now, I live just round the corner. They stock their deodorant and other bathroom products in convenient places, makes it easy for me to pocket them, makes me a tidy profit down the pubs.”

TDJJ: “Did they specify why you didn’t get the job?”

DT: “Just the usual shit about not having enough experience and they didn’t appreciate the language I used during the interview. The thing is, I keep it real, I don’t play this game where people go into these things pretending to be posh. The job looks piss easy, just stocking shit on shelves and working on tills. Why bother with interviews, anyone can do it.”

TDJJ: “There might be a bit more to it than that.”

DT: “But there isn’t! I’ve been going in now, judging the new staff, how they sort out the freezers and tinned stuff, things like that. There’s nothing to it. I talked to a manager there, a different one to the one who interviewed me, told him that I’ve been watching new girl Steph. I explained how I felt about how her way of putting out the shovels left a lot to be desired, but was complimentary about her figure and make up. A bit of light hearted banter.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel this will make them think they made a mistake in hiring her and not you?”

DT: “Well, they wouldn’t have to get rid of her. They should probably fire the new speccy twat on the tills. He looks like he knows what he’s doing, but you tell me – would you rather work with a man with glasses, or a nice looking bird? Anyone can do what he does.”

TDJJ: “Do you think that your criminal record, as you’ve spent a few occasions in prison for a variety of reasons, had anything to do with their decision?”

DT: “Listen, it’s easy just to judge someone just because of their past. I was honest enough on the application form, I was released over three months ago now. Why do people who don’t know you jump to conclusions with these things?”

TDJJ: “You were last in prison for theft of a case of mayonnaise, and you’ve openly admitted that you’ve stolen toiletries from the very store you went for an interview at, as well as other offences, so I guess the shop checked all this out like I did because you explained things on the form.”

DT: “But it’s as though they don’t think anyone can change. Like all the other interviews I’ve been to. That’s some form of discrimination surely?”

TDJJ: “Hm, I’m not sure that’d be the case. What are the other jobs you’ve been going for?”

DT: “A few call centres, but I’ve got a shit credit rating. There’s also the job at the bookies, but they’re also a bit funny when it comes to thieving. Some pubs… it seems that even though I go in at a later date to criticise staff at these places it counts for nothing. Maybe they don’t like being judged. Well, they shouldn’t judge me for my many run ins with the law then.”

TDJJ: “Well, I’m not sure that’s the point.”

DT: “But I’m helping them, in a way. I feel I’m giving something back to society. It’s a give and take situation.”

TDJJ: “But it looks like you’re still taking, I can see several packets of biscuits stuffed in your coat. They’re from that store aren’t they?”

DT: “Do you want to buy any off me?”

TDJJ: “They’re not yours to sell. Listen, I’ll leave the interview there. When I took on this story, I thought it’d be a piece on how you have learned from your mistakes, and how you plan to redeem yourself and become a fine upstanding citizen. But no.”

DT: “Maybe I should judge you as a journalist. You’re shit. Look at you, with your fucking job!”

TDJJ: “Okay, thanks for that.”

DT (shouting): “Yeah, walk away, back to your office. You’ve probably got heating as well, you speccy twat!”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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