EMBARRASSING PAST OF FEARSOME SERVANTS FOR CONFLICTED SPACE JERK UNEARTHED, SHATTERING THEIR IMAGE

By Music Correspondent Corey Abdominals

A small number of old music videos have surfaced online featuring a boy band long forgotten about, to which the identity of the group members has been kept secret until recently. An anonymous source confirmed that it’s the Knights of Ren, the masked warriors who currently go around being fearsome on several planets and serving their leader, Kylo Ren. News of this leak has put a serious dent in the group’s street cred, which has reportedly affected their confidence, but they know that the game is up and have held their hands up to their previous career. I interviewed group member Trudgen, to find out what’s next for the Knights after this revelation.

TDJJ: “Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Trudgen. I understand that it’s been a difficult time recently for your group.”

T: “We just realised, for better or worse, we’d have to speak up about this, no matter the damage it might do to our reputation. The thing is, we were like the bad boys of pop, we weren’t squeaky clean. We were more like East 17, not Take That. You can even see me smoke on some of the videos.”

TDJJ: “Do any of you suspect who may have leaked these videos?”

T: “Well, there’s only a few people who had access logins to these files. Obviously none of us would do it. Unless we were hacked by Jedi or something, maybe a plan to embarrass us by some old footage, we’ve got no idea who it was.”

TDJJ: “You all look so young and upbeat in these videos, a far cry from the image you have now. Given all the recent criticism and ridicule that have come your way, has the group at least come to peace with your former past?”

T: “I’d say so, yeah. Listen, we were young, but we still had an edge, even with the questionable fashion and hairstyles we had back then. Over time we’ve obviously honed our aggressive stance, and in turn meant that the music side of things has slowly disappeared. But listen to the lyrics in “Baby, You Mean Everything To Me,” there’s a line which is “… Because if anyone tries to move in, I will hurt them with my weapon.” I wrote that bit. Back then it was a metaphor for my cock, but nowadays you can tell it could also mean my actual vibrocleaver. Which still sounds like a metaphor for my cock, but is actually my weapon for hitting people with.”

TDJJ: “So you now feel comfortable talking about your old music then?”

T: “Yeah, though obviously it wasn’t always the case. We had to be careful because of the amount of tracking devices and surveillance cameras on some of the more technologically advanced planets. We just decided not to discuss our in public, you never know who’s listening in. It also added to the mystery of our group. Now it’s all in the open, we’ve decided to take the news like adults and just get on with things.”

TDJJ: “So how do you lot meet to form the band Intergalactic Indigo Orange, your previous incarnation?”

T: “Most of us were in the same woodwork class at school. We were always singing the latest pop songs and entertaining our peers with synchronised dancing and our own edgy lyrics. I guess it was only a matter of time before we thought we could really give it a shot at stardom, but we felt like we were missing something. We put an ad in the school paper asking for an extra member, someone who could grow a beard to highlight how badass we were. We chose Ap’lek out of the three that applied, as his beard looked the best. Plus he was a couple of years older as well. And that was that.”

TDJJ: “According to my research, you actually had two more hits songs as well as the three which have videos, and two albums. They sold poorly, and you were quickly forgotten about. However, despite all this and given the trend for singers and groups from decades ago making comebacks, do you think you’d jump on this bandwagon?”

T: “That’s a tough one. I reckon most of us would do it, I guess with the recent ‘outing’ of our past there’d be renewed interest. But I feel Kylo might dig his heels in, he seems a bit preoccupied at the moment. He’s not dealing with stuff that well, so a reunion might prove too stressful for him.”

TDJJ: “What would the group do if you found out that it was Kylo himself who leaked the videos?”

T: “I don’t think he’d do that. We’ve had our ups and downs in the group, all of us, but we swore to let the past die. Even with his current situation and conflicted state of mind, I don’t know why he’d want to upset the status quo of the group.”

I politely ended the interview there and got a space taxi back to Earth. Now, a safe distance away from the Knights of Ren, I can confirm that it was indeed Kylo Ren who leaked everything, in order to unstable their relationship, as at the moment he’s currently a good guy.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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