By Royal Correspondent Giles Volauvent-Rocher

The furore surrounding the royal family over their reluctance to do anything for the upcoming birthday of celebrated local bin man Ern Crackdown, has reached fever pitch. Mr Crackdown has been doing the bins in the Kensington area for over 40 years now, and such is his popularity among his peers and bored housewives, it seemed natural to get the whole of Kensington involved for his 70th birthday party, with several street parties planned around the borough. But as Kensington residents, the royal family have flatly ignored all correspondence to do with the plans, only saying that they “Don’t like his ways.” This response has seen numerous accusations online and in print media, saying they’re out of touch, not supporting the common people, and not showing any forgiveness over some misunderstandings. I interviewed Mr Crackdown during a well-earned break on his shift, as he feels there’s something more to their reluctance to celebrate.

EC: “Sorry about the smell pal, some fish heads fell down the back of the seats a few days ago, and I can’t reach them.”

TDJJ: “No problem, just keep all the windows open. So the plans of your birthday party was sent out a week ago now, and you still haven’t had a response from anyone in the royal family. What is your theory as to why you think this is so?”

EC: “Well, I’m aware of the online comments, I use Twitter quite a bit to air my views on different things. I know it can get a bit abusive on there. But I reckon the real reason they’re not bothering is because I keep pulling them up on indiscretions regarding their rubbish bins. And they don’t like it that a person like me is telling them what to do.”

TDJJ: “So you empty the bins for the royals?”

EC: “Been doing them for a few months now, but it’s always been a fucking nightmare.”

TDJJ: “How so?”

EC: “They’re forever mixing up which kind of rubbish goes into which recycle bin. It clearly states on each one what’s accepted. Also, a lot of the time they’re too full, and the lids are left too far up. All I can do in these circumstances is follow protocol and place a sticker on the offending bins as to why we’ve refused to empty them. Now I realise why Racist Baz stopped doing their bins.”

TDJJ: “And they don’t learn from this?”

EC: “All that seems to happen is I get told that one of them called up and complained, but we don’t take them seriously any more. We all know what they’re like.”

TDJJ: “Has anyone caught you refusing to take the bins?”

EC: “A couple of times. The first was when on a week where there were three coloured bins to empty. I got hold of the blue one, which is for paper and cardboard, but it just wouldn’t budge, was too heavy. I looked inside and there was tons of metal from what looked like a tractor, all shoved in there. I had a hunch and checked the other bins. I found out that they had managed to cram an entire tractor into the four bins. I then noticed a butler approaching and gave him a piece of my mind.”

TDJJ: “It’s just the brown bin for metal and plastics.”

EC: “Exactly, it’s not brain surgery. The second time was when I could feel the black bin shaking about as I was pulling it one week. I looked inside and there were a couple of shotguns and a bunch of pheasants inside. I think a few of them weren’t properly shot dead yet. Listen, I absolutely abhor animal cruelty, but I couldn’t leave the barely-alive posh birds suffering. I got a couple of shotgun shells from my van and use one of the guns to put them out of their misery, but the noise alerted some butlers. I shouted a few choice words at them and went on my way.”

TDJJ: “And this is why you feel the royals are rejecting these plans? Just because you’re standing up for yourself and your duty towards your job?”

EC: “Mainly. I’ve sent them some excrement in the post a few times, and also a few letters to Kate and her sister about a film idea I had, so they might have found out that they’re from me, matched up the handwriting or something.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

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