By Resident Theoretical Expert Dave Schrodinger

Last Tuesday was like any other day for 43-year old Tegs Grange. He was sat on a park bench in rainy Seathwaite in Cumbria, with his close friend on benefits Hilda Triforce, each with a hearty bag of strong lager, watching the world go by and commenting on more fortunate passers by. Mr Grange told his friend that he had to nip into town the next day to sign on for his benefits. After his errand the next day, he got on the bus back to the park, and he noticed a mum with three kids get on at one of the stops. He liked checking out the local women, but this time he couldn’t believe his eyes as she looked exactly like his friend, only with three kids and a completely different control of her senses. He asked his friend if she had a sister, to which the reply was no. At some point later, a confused Mr Grange stumbled into the Daily JabJab offices, asked about our thoughts on the possibility of two of the same person existing in the world. I told him I could get hold of an esteemed professor who specialised in this kind of thing, for the right price. He only had a couple of unopened cans on him, so for that I agreed I’d find someone in a nearby pub who claims they knew something about this. I interviewed local council worker Mac Bleed, who said he’s seen a few documentaries on the subject.

TDJJ: “Thanks for meeting me here Mr Bleed, I understand you don’t have a lot of time, you’ve got an upcoming fight in a nearby car park in an hour or so.”

MB: “That’s right, it’s a personal one as Pie Bryan been calling me out online ever since I leathered his youngest kid in the Tesco car park recently.”

TDJJ: “Okay, so what do you know about the theory that a person could exist twice at the same time?”

MB: “Well, I reckon it’s one of three things what might of happened. Either it’s like a multiverse or something what allows timelines to cross over now and again, or it could be that the person Tegs saw was a doppelgänger – which is German for double I think – of Hilda. Or that he was just his usual pissed up bastard self who’s mind was not all there at the time.”

TDJJ: “Interesting theories. Well, he told me he only had a few that morning, as he wanted to appear smart at the job centre. So, based on Mr Grange’s story, which theory do you think it is?”

MB: “Who’s Mr Grange?”

TDJJ: “Uh, Tegs.”

MB: “Oh is that his surname? I’ve known him about two year, never knew that. Is he still banging Hilda?”

TDJJ: “Erm, I didn’t ask. So what theory best fits his story would you say?”

MB: “Well if he only had a few, I’d say probably timelines. It’s a bit confusing really, but say if Hilda got on a train after a night out and got home safely, but then another Hilda, the same one, right, didn’t get on the train because she was late, then went back to the pub and her life of heavy drinking started. It’s therefore possible that the two Hildas from then on led very different lives. One that had three kids and has all her shit together, and the other one that spends her days shouting at ducks and getting banged for beer money and friendship.”

TDJJ: “Yeah, that does sound confusing. Was this something you watched?”

MB: “It was a film with her out of Iron Man. It probably makes more sense if you watch it yourself, I’m no film writer.”

TDJJ: “But, thinking about it, that theory sounds a bit more like Hilda having a double. Not a clone, but–”

MB: “Clones! Fucking hell, how did I not think of that? Of course!”

TDJJ: “Okay, but if we run with this hypothesis, what would the benefit be to society for cloning Hilda? She doesn’t seem to be an ideal candidate.”

MB: “Fuck knows. Yeah, they’d probably clone scientists and people like that instead.”

TDJJ: “So, shall I tell Mr Grange – Tegs – that you think it’s timelines then?”

MB: “Yeah, probably. But best tell him that the two Hildas must never meet, as it’s most likely gonna cause a time paradox, which would cause a chain reaction, and would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, and destroy the entire universe!”

TDJJ: “Where did you read that?”

MB: “No, it’s from Back To The Future II. Even though it sounds unlikely that the two Hildas would never meet, given the very different lives they lead, I’ve got to warn the Hilda what I know. Come on!”

Mr Bleed stood up and ran out of the pub, surprisingly well considering the amount of empty glasses that were in front of him. I had no desire to follow him, I was sure he’d tell Hilda and Mr Grange of his theory. Saved me a job.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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