RUNAWAY FOOTBALL CHAMPIONS ELECT TO CHANGE MANAGEMENT, THOUGH TACTIC SEEN AS UNSPORTSMANLIKE

By Football Correspondent Accrington Calmdown

Liverpool football club are sitting on top of the English Premier League, currently a massive 25 points ahead of second place Manchester City. They just need 15 points to secure the league, regardless of what the other clubs do, and they could achieve this as early as March. Such is their extreme dominance this season, and with confidence coursing through everyone involved with the club, they have come up with a new idea that they feel they could get away with. The plan for them to change their current manager Jurgen Klopp at this late stage – even considering the situation – is seen by some as a little odd in principle. But when the details emerged of his replacement, it caused all manner of outrage among the other clubs and football in general. I interviewed club fanzine editor and lifelong Liverpool fan Stanley Milk – who has top connections within the club’s hierarchy – to clarify what the real intention is for this decision.

TDJJ: “So when Liverpool announced that they are getting rid Jurgen Klopp ‘for a bit’, and replacing him with a load of pigeons, how would you describe the amount of vitriol aimed at the club when this news came out?”

SM: “Look, I understand this is a radical move for Liverpool. But look at the statistics – we’re miles ahead, with so many games still to play. We’re confident that we could have anyone in charge at this point and still win. I’m sure any other team in a similar position would do the same.”

TDJJ: “But pigeons. A hundred of them, according to the press release. I wouldn’t be the most tactically astute when it comes to managing a football team, but even I can’t see how this would work.”

SM: “They aren’t just any pigeons, they’ve been scouted across the city for skills such as leadership, their ability to delegate, food management, those kinds of things. Plus, there’s just too many of them everywhere, so given the circumstances the club felt that this experiment, despite sounding odd, will be like killing two birds with one stone. But there’s no plans to murder any of them, just need to make that clear.”

TDJJ: “Were there any other type of animals considered at all?”

SM: “Some of the executives were really wanting to use Liver birds, but were disappointed when they found out that they didn’t actually exist.”

TDJJ: “And what about the other clubs complaining that doing something like this brings the game into disrepute? They feel this shows a lack of sportsmanship. A lot of fury out there.”

SM: “As I said before, I’m sure the other teams would implement a plan like this if they could. Fact is, there’s a lot of rivalry out there, so a bit of back and forth is to be expected. Liverpool are in such an enviable position. I feel that envy is the driving force for this outcry. Take a look at the UK media, they build people up only to knock them down again. Everyone is trying to criticise us because of where we are.”

TDJJ: “So when this decision was explained to Mr Klopp, how did he respond?”

SM: “He was pretty fine with the idea. He’s an open minded individual. The thing is, he’s aware that he’s not completely fired, we can bring him back if things start backfiring too much. Plus, if things do start to go tits up, it would make it a lot more exciting during the final fixtures. It was like when Michael Schumacher was winning all them F1 titles years ago. It got boring. They should have made him drive a go kart now and again, even things up a bit.”

TDJJ: “And how are the players going to understand the pigeons when training and at half time during a match? Would there be a particular pigeon who’d be chosen to impart tactics during these times?”

SM: “They’re working on this now. Most of the players seem okay with having a hundred pigeons as their manager. It was explained that they could just treat this like when you got a supply teacher for a lesson at school. You just got on with whatever you were doing previously, with minimal fuss. Sure, there’s a few of them acting up and taking advantage of not having a ‘real’ manager now, but they’ll be taken to one side and spoken to individually. The club are also looking into hiring an eccentric Dr Doolittle type character, should one exist.”

TDJJ: “Well, one thing’s for sure – press conferences and interviews are going to be a lot more interesting now.”

SM: “Yeah, the club thinks so too. Who knows, if this is successful, maybe all clubs will be run by birds one day. Football has been crying out for progress for a while now. Well here it is!”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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