By Resident Customer Analysis Expert Martin Holdmusic

Whenever there’s a questionnaire focusing on the favourite pastimes for people living in the UK, the one response that always crops up is complaining. This pastime – along with queueing and prudishness when it comes to, whisper it, S-E-X – is seen by the rest of the world as what defines a British person. The fans of complaining about things, but not enough to actually do anything about it, are celebrating with the news that large corporations with multiple departments have collectively agreed to put in motion a set of criteria, specifically to mildly anger more people. It is believed that all this has been implemented to widen the gap in the nation’s favourite thing to do, as queueing had recently been closing in on the number one spot. I interviewed Ned Demus, the CEO of large UK corporation Completionismystion, who advertise themselves as “Multiware Evolution Solutions,” whatever that means, on how the plans are set to roll out.

TDJJ: “Mr Demus, for those out there who can’t see any logic behind this campaign, can you explain the reason for this project and outline some of the things that are to be put in place?”

ND: “Well, I got together with a few other CEOs and it was decided that we needed to keep complaining at the forefront of the business to customer industries. The main thing will be to start half-training all new staff who speak to customers over the phone. We’ll save time and money that way. Anyone who is currently competent at their job will be either retrained or fired, depending on experience. There’s also going to be a more complex set of instructions and button presses required for anyone who calls up, longer hold times with only the most irritating music, and extra needless transfers to different departments. And that’s just for starters.”

TDJJ: “On the face of it, these plans can be seen as counter-productive. Surely by doing all this will just drive customers away. Yes, a lot of people like being moderately annoyed by these types of things, it gives them something to talk about when in the post office, but everyone has a breaking point. They’ll take their business elsewhere won’t they?”

ND: “Ah, that’s the beauty of this plan. There’s quite a few of us large corporations who will be doing the same thing. Customers will be resigned to getting the same amount of poor service no matter where they go, they’ll read the reviews and just stick with the same company. Furthermore, we’ve increased the amount of hoop-jumping necessary if people want to switch companies, and we’ll be adding several more confusing amounts of money that may or may not be charged, and when, if customers decide to do so.”

TDJJ: “Will these plans just be for customers when they contact companies by phone?”

ND: “No, we’re covering all bases of communication. I for one can’t wait until we introduce the bewildering new app that customers, no matter what company they’re with, will be told they’ll have to download from unstable servers, in order to check their accounts. They’ll think that using the app will save them time being passed from pillar to post over the phone. But no. We expect the app to be an inconsistent amount of time out of date with their records, and they’ll also have to keep logging in every 20 seconds.”

TDJJ: “How is the advertising side of all this going to be affected, if at all?”

ND: “Well, no company worth their salt are honest enough to highlight failures in their advertising. So there’s no plans to publicly acknowledge these new policies through in-house promotions. The only thing that will increase is the amount of contrasting details on every different form of contact. This will mean that a customer would be able to see up to five differing pieces of information and price points for the same service from the same company, be it on the website, on leaflets, whoever they speak to over the phone – remember, customer service will be unable to grasp the facts properly themselves. That kind of thing. And this will be across the board.”

TDJJ: “So finally, do you feel that all this will solidify the pastime of complaining as the favourite thing that British people do?”

ND: “Absolutely. We believe that the British citizen’s right for complaining is in safe hands. In a way, we’ll also be increasing the love for queuing as well – customers on the phone will be put on hold and be given wildly fluctuating times that they’ll be in the queue for. They’d be given this information via an automated messaging service with a thick Scottish accent. Or, if they’re from Scotland, an unintellible cockney accent using lots of rhyming slang. Exciting times ahead!”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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