By Resident Love Guru Wayne Schwing
It’s that time of year when love is in the air, with couples booking babysitters and relatives to look after their kids as they go out to enjoy either a candle-lit meal somewhere, a romantic movie at the cinema, or a seedy motel room. However, there are some individuals out there who just wish for that certain someone in their life to notice them in the same way that they do. I travelled to planet Eternia and spoke with Beast Man, who says that his manager Skeletor is one such individual, but don’t tell him that he told me. He doesn’t want another falling out with him. You see, Beast Man used to have an uneasy relationship with the skeletal evildoer who’s thought to be from another dimension, but since seeing the signs of infatuation that his boss has for He-Man, Beast Man has, over time, been a bit more sympathetic towards him.
TDJJ: “Can you remember when you started to think that Skeletor had these feelings for his mortal enemy?”
BM: “Oh, it was a few years ago now. They were grappling on top of a mountain, fighting about something or other. Eventually, He-Man got the upper hand and left his defeated foe on the ground and started walking away. Surprisingly, none of us were told to avenge him, and I initially couldn’t work out why. But after a few seconds, I couldn’t believe my eyes, it looked like Skeletor was checking out his ass as he strolled off. As he’s our boss, and knowing his temper, we decided not to question him about this. Henchmen jobs are difficult to get in these times of austerity.”
TDJJ: “So, quite a few of you saw this?”
BM: “Yeah, we started to notice a few things after that. I think part of it is the act of him trying to play fight He-Man whenever possible, his way of flirting I guess. We have no problem with this – He-Man works out and has nice teeth, so it shows that Skeletor has good taste. I think this rivalry between them only heightens his affections. But unfortunately for him, it seems that it’s only one way.”
TDJJ: “You’ve not seen He-Man look at him the same way, then?”
BM: “Listen, you’ve got to understand that their morals and outlooks on life are very different. I guess He-Man just wants to rid the planet of cackling maniacs and anyone else who doesn’t conform to his way, like me and the other lads. He doesn’t hold the awkwardly long eye contact that Skeletor yearns for, nor has he responded well to the unsettling amount of bear hugs. We can see this hurts Skeletor emotionally.”
TDJJ: “In all this time, has no one broached this situation with him? It sounds like he just needs someone to talk to, a bit of relationship advice.”
BM: “Well, we did all hold a secret meeting about it, and given my chequered past with him, we decided someone else should do the talking. Eventually, Trap Jaw drew the short straw and was tasked with the mission.”
TDJJ: “How did this go down?”
BM: “We were surprised with Trap Jaws’s account. He said he was in Skeletor’s bedroom back at Snake Mountain, waiting for the gaffer to finish on the toilet. He noticed that his poster of Pink Floyd had a tear in it, and looked like something else was behind. Trap Jaw said he took a closer look and saw photos of He-Man, printed from the internet. Skeletor walked in and tried to talk his way out of it, saying the photos are there just to remind him how much he doesn’t like him, but eventually he knew his excuses weren’t working and sat down and explained what we already knew.
TDJJ: “Since this time, have you noticed any positive changes in Skeletor’s relationship with you and the others?”
BM: “To be honest, it’s made him increasingly more ruthless as the years have gone on, his frustration growing ever more so. Every Valentine’s Day is the same, he just mopes around eating ice cream and watching You’ve Got Mail. He says he can never find the words or an appropriate situation during their battles. I’ve often overheard him talking to the mirror in his bedroom, going through his speech over and over. If you didn’t know any better, it sounds like a clueless teenager is in there. But this is a powerful interdimensional sorcerer. Thing is, none of us have had much luck in relationships either, so any advice we’d give would be like the blind leading the blind. Heartbreaking, really.”
Happy Valentine’s Day.