BUSYBODY’S CONCERN OVER PREDICTED CHILD CRAZE RETURNS, EVEN WORSE THAN IT WAS NEARLY THIRTY YEARS AGO

By Wildlife Correspondent Eisenhour Prower

It seems that no matter where you live, whether in a quiet cul-de-sac, close knit cobbled street or prison, there’s always an individual who would always be looking out for the welfare of others around them. They would take to looking through their curtains at the goings on, making up their own narrative in order to turn it into gossip when they’re at the hairdressers. One such person is Mavis Bagcats, who’s lived at her house in an unassuming street in Prudhoe for over 50 years. She’s notorious around these parts for causing disagreements and divorces, such is her influence on the community. She gets offended at the slightest of things, and one aspect of society that always gets her blood boiling is the common youth. There was one particular incident back in the early 90s involving young people that saw her rage make the national headlines with unfounded claims, and with the imminent release of the Sonic the Hedgehog movie, this anger has returned, only much more amplified. I spoke with Miss Bagcats in her living room, after a misunderstanding concerning my shoes, about what her problem is now.

MB: “It’s been such a long time since I had a journalist in, but I’m pretty sure that my no shoes in the house policy still applies.”

TDJJ: “That’s fine, Miss Bagcats, I’ve taken them off haven’t I? You put them in the pantry. Now, can you explain your history with the video game character Sonic the Hedgehog, and why you feel it’s a bad influence on kids?”

MB: “Well, I remember when the game first came out. I watched my grandson playing it, I couldn’t make head nor tail of what was going on. He said that it was about a blue hedgehog, and you had to collect all the rings and kill the bad guy at the end of act three or something daft like that. Right then I knew that this made no sense, blue hedgehog indeed! And killing someone as well! I had to tell the knitting circle about the warped nature of this game. Little Unwin was having fun playing it, but I knew that it was only a matter of time before he started to copy the reprehensible actions on screen.”

TDJJ: “It was a very popular game. It spawned many more games in the series and merchandise right up to today.”

MB: “That’s right, yes. Dreadful things.”

TDJJ: “And how specifically did you think these “reprehensible actions” would affect your grandson – and the youth in general – way back in 1991, when the first game came out?”

MB: “Is was like when them Ninja Turtles came out, all the kids wanted a real turtle, and would no doubt make them into little fighting machines against their will. I could only therefore predict an upsurge of kids stealing hedgehogs and painting them blue. I couldn’t work out how they’d teach them to collect rings, but they’d find a way. That’s what kids do. Swines, the lot of them.”

TDJJ: “I guess hedgehogs did become more popular because of the game, but I don’t remember any news from back in the day that said any of this took place.”

MB: “Well, I know what I thought. And all my friends at the knitting club believed me as well.”

TDJJ: “And you feel that with this new Sonic film coming out, your fears of youths copying what they watch is so much worse nowadays. Can you explain your logic?”

MB: “I put most of the blame on those internets. Violent things on there. They say you’re only two clicks away from being exposed to things that are frankly unmentionable. I refuse to use them myself, it looks so complicated. And all these are available to kids on their phones and computers. The parents are guilty as well, letting them watch these at dinnertimes and so forth. With all this sick filth they’re seeing, they’ll surely be more likely to once again steal hedgehogs and paint them blue. They‘d probably film it on their phones as well, mail it to their so-called friends. This will probably pass for comedy nowadays.”

TDJJ: “You’ve written to your local paper, The Daily Mail and Sega themselves about this. Have you had any response from any of them?”

MB: “Nothing from the papers, but I did get a signed picture of Sonic from Sega. I think they misread the severity of my concerns. I can’t afford to go all the way to Japan, so unfortunately I can’t talk to them in person about it. I’ve since made a list as long as my arm about all the problems I see with this situation. Once again, it’s people like me and my friends at knitting that have to continue looking out for the society. The police said they wouldn’t be doing anything about this either. What do we pay them for? It’s getting worse out there.”

The Sonic the Hedgehog movie will be released on 14th February.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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