By Resident Canine Expert Abraham Naked
Freelance horse tester Seamus O’Ramjet has recently made his first million pounds by walking a Great Dane dog around the various parks and woodland areas near his home in Yeovil. His expertise is in horses, but even he admits that this wasn’t bringing in enough to support his now ex-partner and two children. Since he found the dog loitering outside a bookies one morning, he came up with a plan that, while initially sounding a bit too silly, it actually became his main source of income fairly quickly. I interviewed Mr O’Ramjet outside his local courthouse, the reasons why will be made clear later.
TDJJ: “When I read your plan when you got the dog, I thought ‘that would never work’. But you made it happen, and you showed excellent business acumen. Can you explain what your plan consisted of, for the benefit of those who aren’t aware?”
SO’R: “Well, I’ve always liked walking through the parks and things near me, I’ve been doing this every day for years. It calms me, takes me away from all the arguing at home about my horse job. On my travels I often overhear someone commenting when they see someone else walking past with a massive dog. It’s always something like, ‘are you taking that dog for a walk or is that dog taking you?’ The dog walker would often reply ‘if he had a pound for every time I ‘m asked that…’ So when I saw that Great Dane moping about, eating out of a nearby bin, I thought it might be a good idea to put something into practice.”
TDJJ: “So you started getting £1 off people whenever this exchange took place on your travels. I know it sounds like you’re making it up, but you’ve shown me your bank account. How were you able to amass such a large amount in only a matter of months?”
SO’R: “As I say, there’s lots of parks and woods near me. I’d frequent these places as usual, and make several circuits round, taking me a few hours. They’re always full of truanting kids, the unemployed and elderly people, so I was confident that this was a goldmine. And I was right! When I felt like I overstayed my welcome I’d go to another park, rinse and repeat. I started having to take shopping bags with me for all the pound coins.
TDJJ: “And what effect did this have on your other job and personal life?”
SO’R: “In terms of the horse thing I do, I’ve had to cut back on that a bit anyway. I started getting banned at a few of the farms, for reasons I legally can’t talk about. My ex was never supportive of this job, wanted me to keep working at the chicken take away shop, it was more hours. When I got the big dog, and started my scheme, I was out of the house for a lot longer. She thought I was having another affair. She since found out about three of the women, but I was mainly walking the dog.”
TDJJ: “So did she leave you before knowing that you were getting filthy rich?”
SO’R: “Yeah, the silly cow. It’s her loss now. But the thing is, I’m a big believer in fate. Maybe it was written for me to get forcibly removed from them farms, and also for her to leave after a few little moments of madness. Maybe it’s been designed for me to make a fortune in this unconventional way. Swings and roundabouts, really.”
TDJJ: “And where were you when you met the man who says you stole his dog?”
SO’R: “He confronted me in one of the parks. He looked more drunk that I was, it was a Friday evening after all. He said he could prove it was his dog, mentioned leaving it outside the bookies for an hour or so on the day I found it. He described the odd pattern of colours behind the dog’s bollocks, and he was right. I didn’t want to know how he got to know that information, and to be honest I was disgusted and kicked him a few times until he fell over. I walked away with pride, that I’d done my bit for society, defeating a sex pest.”
TDJJ: “Did you tell the man about the money you were making with the dog?”
SO’R: “It’s always the thing with me, I have a few strong lagers and I begin talking too much. It’s got me in a few scrapes in the past, and I’m guessing I boasted about the million quid. Probably. I do this so often, it’s like a second nature or whatever the phrase is.”
TDJJ: “And this is the main reason you’re waiting outside the courthouse now isn’t it?”
SO’R: “Yeah, he’s wanting half because it’s his dog. Plus, I told everyone concerned that it’d be easier if I get the case against me for non-payment of child support out of the way afterwards. That way I could be in the pub all day tomorrow, without having to split up two days. Makes sense, really.”