By Employment Correspondent Papa Heihachi

A 36-year old former call centre employee from Burstwick in Hull concocted a mostly foolproof plan that had never failed him, until it kind of did, and he’s now prepared to share his secret to winning untold amounts of cases of wines and cheeses, at his previous workplace GlaxenBorgBerg. Kind-hearted Dwayne Submission was working at the call centre – who specialise in selling vitamins that improves tennis ability – for two years, and it was after being there a month when he thought of the scheme, and he didn’t look back until recently. I interviewed Mr Submission outside his old place of work, while he has a cig and hangs around some of his former colleagues. He’s actually barred from the premises, but is wearing a false hat in case one of the managers come out.

TDJJ: “So, Mr Submission, I’m guessing everyone who’s reading this, and many of your former colleagues, are desperate to know the secret behind all this success. Just how were you able to win all those wines and cheeses every month?”

DS: “Well, when I started work here I was put in training with a few others, and when we went into the actual call centre, one of them was really struggling on the phones. It’s a pretty big call centre, very busy, but you could always hear this guy shouting all manner of abuse at customers, and crying, on every call. I really don’t know how he kept his job after the first day. Anyway, this went on for a few weeks and he slightly improved with help. The monthly awards came up and he actually won Most Improved Employee of the Month, in my eyes for being slightly less shit at his job than when he first started. So that got me thinking…”

TDJJ: “Were you having similar difficulties as your colleague?”

DS: “No, I felt I was pretty good when I started. It’s an unwritten rule here that you could swear at a customer as long as you said things quickly enough. There were a few times when I wasn’t swearing as fast, and word got back to the managers, but other than that I had no problems getting used to things. It’s just that I don’t think the guy should have got the wines and cheeses, they were just rewarding failure.”

TDJJ: “Did your plan come about because you felt that you were more worthy of the prizes?”

DS: “Yeah. I just thought, if I lowered my standards so I became as crap as him, then improve more than he does towards the end of the month when the awards take place, then surely all those wines and cheeses will be mine, based on the logic I saw.”

TDJJ: “And this won first time you tried it?”

DS: “It did. Thing is, during the first month of using this strategy, this colleague was fired for stealing several plates from the canteen. So my victory felt a bit hollow that time. But I stuck to my game plan nonetheless, and I continued to win every month from then on, proving it was no fluke.”

TDJJ: “How far did you go when purposely messing things up at work?”

DS: “I threw a lot of stuff out a window. The biggest thing was the computer I was actually working on at the time, monitor and all. We’re on the seventh floor and it made a right mess on the road. I told the manager that someone else did it, but didn’t name names. However, one of the quiet ones piped up and ruined things. So I got in trouble for that, and also for my revenge attack on the humourless prick later in the shift. I often did shit like this, knowing that I’d redeem myself in the final week in order to win some more wines and cheeses.”

TDJJ: “How were you found out that you were intentionally underperforming?”

DS: “I guess management noticed the pattern when looking at the hard statistics. I always denied that I had such a plan, it was just that one month they didn’t have any wine, just got a big bottle of cider instead. I actually like cider more, and on one of my ten minute breaks, I downed the whole two litres of it and was told afterwards that I was throwing up everywhere and starting fights with some of the managers. I get rowdy after a bit of cider, but I like celebrating.”

TDJJ: “So then you were fired for multiple violations, and you thought ‘sod it’ and give out your secret?”

DS: “Exactly! They don’t own me, fuck ‘em. That was seven months ago and I still can’t get a job, but I’ve set up a website for any donations. See, my scheme is technically still a sure fire way to success. If others follow the plan, they could show me thanks by giving me a few hundred. I’ve sold most of my stuff, and my mum’s threatening to kick me out.”

You can donate hundreds to Mr Submission on the following website:

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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