CLASSIC 1987 LOVE SONG TO BE BANNED DUE TO MODERN INTERPRETATION OF LYRICS

By Music Correspondent Kenny Afterburner

People across the world could soon be breaking the law if they play – or even own – the 1987 song Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen, who incidentally has been working overtime in the last 20 odd years telling people that he isn’t one of the kids from South Park. According to the upstart EIO organisation, Hungry Eyes now promotes obesity. Where the song was once considered to be about someone lusting after someone else, the EIO CEO Elsie Cashmoney is in no doubt that the song’s lyrical content is now too problematic, and will only help increase the world’s obesity to critical levels. She has strong connections with several world leaders, and is confident that she can go so far as getting this song erased from existence. I interviewed Ms Cashmoney about how far she is prepared to go to get this done.

TDJJ: “So, Ms Cashmoney, was there any point when you were younger where you had thought the song was just about sinful desires, as is the popular interpretation?”

EC: “Yes, when watching Dirty Dancing, I could see the intention of the song words matching that bit in the film, when Patrick was with them two women, initially thinking of having a threesome, but then he started to fancy the main one, even though she was crap at dancing. But society changes over time. And now, as CEO of Everything Is Offensive, it’s my job to find things that will nowadays cause harm, and ban them before they do.”

TDJJ: “Dirty Dancing is a very popular film. Millions of people, mostly women probably, cite it as one their favourites, despite there being many objectively better films out there. Would you consider going so far as getting the movie blacklisted?”

EC: “We could edit the offending bit out of any future broadcasts or releases of the film on DVD and so forth. We’d then demand a Dirty Dancing amnesty, where everyone would have to give their old copies to the police. This also goes for the soundtrack. I know it’s popular, with worldwide sales of about 32 million, but they’ll have to be handed over too. Anyone who refuses would be seen as a threat to society.”

TDJJ: “I believe Eric Carmen has contacted you about this. What are his views on your interpretation?”

EC: “He said they were interesting, but it wasn’t ever his intention to promote obesity, that he wrote it about horny people. I told him that his words were irrelevant because as everyone knows, as soon as a work of art is released to the public, it ceases to belong to the creator, but to fans of the work. I told him if he sung it again in public, he’d be facing time in jail.”

TDJJ: “Your organisation has faced a lot of resistance in the past for decisions similar to this. I know that you personally have ties with some notable world leaders. Have they ever advised you to step back from any particular campaign because of public backlash?”

EC: “No, because they see that what we want to do is heal the world, make it a better place. There was the campaign where we wanted to make football matches last forty hours a week, to represent the working class, as we felt with every footballer being a multi-millionaire they had forgotten their roots, and it also promoted capitalism. Unfortunately that idea was shut down quickly by them, but we haven’t had anything else scrutinized in this way.”

TDJJ: “And do you feel that after five years of this organisation’s existence, this is the campaign where you finally find success?”

EC: “It’s a necessity. Yes, a lot of people out there tell us on a daily basis how this particular campaign is frankly unworkable. But this only makes us stronger. I just put it down to people being jealous because we’re actually going out there and telling people what to do and they’re not. People like being told what to like and what not to like, that’s why advertising is everywhere you look. If we can continue getting rid of harmful things like certain 80s love ballads and associated movies, then you’ll see a downturn in overweight citizens.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

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