By Resident Men’s Grooming Specialist Mark Wrestlemania

The job of a mortician is not without its difficulties, it comes with occupational hazards like most jobs. For thousands of years, it has been thought that once the deceased had been buried, cremated or sent out to sea if dealing with Vikings, the mortician can put their feet up after another job well done. But after a bizarre episode involving the undead rising in a cemetery in Hastings, the several passers by who dealt with the situation struggled to match the right grave for the right inhabitant. News of this reached the resident grave digger, Barnaby Frukwan, who decided that from now on, any facial hair of the recently deceased will be preserved, then in time attached to the skeleton, thus preventing a lot of confusion should a similar situation arise again. I interviewed Mr Frukwan in his shed, to find out more.

TDJJ: “Mr Frukwan, this sounds like a very radical idea, though I’ve been made aware of the uproar amongst many locals. Not only because some see it as disrespectful towards the family of the deceased, but also because no one was told of the relatively small outbreak that brought about this decision in the first place.”

BF: “Okay, we didn’t want to cause a panic, they may have seen a few too many movies where the undead go around feeding on brains and so on. It was skeletons what rose from their graves recently, not zombies. I watched the CCTV footage of the outbreak myself, it was actually quite comical really, they kept shambling around and bumping into stuff, falling over a lot. I’d send it to You’ve Been Framed but I know there’d be several lawsuits heading my way if I did.”

TDJJ: “But what would you say to those of the opinion that this decision is inconsiderate for the families involved?”

BF: “The thing is, they probably haven’t been tasked with locating skeletons back into their resting place. We only want to make things easier should there be a repeat of that incident. There was only about 12 of them, which were still within the confines of the graveyard, but it took the locals who sorted it out just over an hour to usher the right skeletons into the right hole. I’m glad that the cops didn’t show up, that would have been awkward to say the least.”

TDJJ: “Would it be you who would administer the facial hair? What criteria would be involved?”

BF: “Yeah, it’s just me. As time goes on, depending on workload I might take some on more people, put an ad in the local paper. Facial hair has recently become more popular among men, the so-called hipster is a common look, so yeah, it might get busy in the future. What would happen, is someone would make a note of the late person’s facial hair details then put them in a book. In light of recent events, I feel we can’t wait the number of years for a body to be reduced to its skeletal form, so I’m currently getting legal advice about what can be done about this. Maybe some kind of chemicals can be used to speed up the process, maybe put some extra worms in the box with them, we’ll have to see.”

TDJJ: “Would you need to get consent from the families if one of their deceased relatives had facial hair? What would happen if they refuse?”

BF: “I’m still looking into it. I would like a situation where I can be just left alone to do what’s necessary, all things considered. Meddling with the remains of their loved one, with the details of what recently happened, should surely be decided by people who know more about the grave digging business. That’s me. And there’ll be an extra charge on top of the regular funeral price, plus any court costs incurred.”

TDJJ: “If you get the legal red tape sorted out, and you put your plan into practice, do you foresee a time where this practice becomes normal, and then you’ll no longer have to replace your smashed house windows on a regular basis?”

BF: “Listen, I understand how society works. Death is treated very differently to some other parts of the world, where it’s actually celebrated. It’s a very touchy subject. I’m thinking of getting the government involved, help me make a cautionary feature length film which would highlight the danger of a future uprising of local skeletons, show it in schools and workplaces. Much like those public infomercials they made back in the 70s. Once words gets around, and enough people get scared of the potential dystopia, then I can only see this practice becoming a necessity. And then I’ll be coining it in.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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