By Education Correspondent Bill Swededfilm

The headmaster at St. Heresjohnny Primary School in Hull, Ian Tricycle, has become aware of the increasing amount of educational videos on the internet, and he sees the threat that it could pose for not just his job, but for all teachers across the land. He reasons that kids would get bored at school, as they would have learnt everything already online, and thus start skipping school as a result. This would also mean they will miss out on school dinners, playing musical instruments badly and having awkward social interaction. These reasons, and more, is why Mr Tricycle has formulated a ‘fool proof’ plan to combat the perceived threat. I interviewed the headmaster on his way home after school. He drives past where I live, so we agreed on £5 to give me a lift.

TDJJ: “So, Mr Tricycle, what’s your scheme about, and how would it work in the modern classroom?”

IT: “Well, it might sound a bit too progressive, and some parents might not understand where I’m coming from, but the scheme involves first increasing the number of teachers to five times the current level. We’d have five in each class room, one teacher per subject – Maths, English, Science, I.T and art or something – and they’d all be lined up in front of the class. Pupils will then “click” on a device with five different sounds, and then the corresponding teacher will step forward and teach that subject. Pressing a different button will get that teacher to fall back in line, even if they’re in mid-sentence, while the new teacher steps and begins to talk. It’s like a real life internet.”

TDJJ: “How would you determine which pupil gets the decision to “click” between the teachers?”

IT: “They would take turns. They all love the internet – daft cat videos, kids unboxing toys, plus a lot of other stuff that isn’t really suitable, but we all turn a blind eye. By bringing a ‘live’ internet into school for them would make the lessons more modern and interactive. It will surely encourage them to share the device fairly.”

TDJJ: “And what do your teachers think about this plan? It sound like it could get a bit confusing for them, for many reasons.”

IT: “We’ve done some rehearsals with a few of them, tried to iron out some of the issues. Thing is, they initially wanted to have a script of some sort, so they’d know where they’re up to when getting “clicked” on and off. I told them no, because that doesn’t happen on internet videos. Of course there’s going to be teething problems, but once the teachers are used to memorising an hour’s worth of work without any prompting – because, again, internet videos – we’d be heading in the right direction.”

TDJJ: “So the lessons would be longer, as there’s going to be several hours worth of teaching in each one?”

IT: “Yeah, something like that. It might depend on the day. Some pupils could like English more than maths on a particular occasion, and so the maths teacher might not have to use the whole hour that they’ve memorised. And I.T might be more interesting to the whole class than science, I didn’t do any research, so I don’t know. It can sound complicated, but I’ve printed out a list of the rules, put a copy in each classroom.”

TDJJ: “How are you able to fund this? There’s always some report about budgets being slashed in schools. St. Heresjohnny in particular, due to the recent poor performance awarded by Ofsted, has seen a 40% cut. This scheme sounds expensive.”

IT: “We’ll need the parents to chip in as well, a few hundred each will do. I’ve told them in a letter that we’re hiring more teachers, and getting actual internet reality in the classroom. Surely that’s better than the normal internet. Well, the educational videos side of things anyway. This would also get their kids off their tablets and iPads.”

TDJJ: “Have you had any money come through yet?”

IT: “No, just a load of abuse. That’s okay, some people don’t like radical thinking. There seems to be confusion about the point of doing this. As I said, it can sound overly complex for those who don’t understand technical things and progress. But they’re like sheep. I’m sure that once one of them gives us several thousand, they’d all start doing the same. Teachers aren’t as cheap as you may think, especially the ones who don’t have to rely on answer books several times in an hour.”

TDJJ: “And finally, if this scheme is a success, do you see other schools copying this plan?”

IT: “Yeah, it makes too much sense. Oh, here we are.”

Mr Tricycle pulls into the road where I live and I end the interview. He lets me out and drives off. I still have his £5 petrol money.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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