By Resident Marine Biologist Gerry Joeninety
The act of artificially altering the evolution of a species is usually regarded as something that no one should ever consider, as the ramifications within that creature’s habitat and natural way of doing things could prove catastrophic, causing untold damage to the infrastructure of not only the species itself, but also the environment in which it lives. But controversial American oceanographer Simon Tallonewithglasses has once again announced plans to disrupt nature’s way, with a theory he came up with while drinking alone in a bar. I met up with Simon at a steakhouse near his home in Cleveland, Ohio, to discuss his motivations.
TDJJ: “Mr Tallonewithglasses, I know that this plan of yours has caused a bit of stir amongst your peers. To be honest, I’m also a little concerned about your intentions. But for the people out there who aren’t up to date with your studies, can you explain what you intend to do?”
ST: “Yeah, no problem. I was thinking and drinking one night of how the whale shark is the biggest fish in the world, growing up to about 40 foot in length. But despite their size, though, they’re a bit boring. You’d think that they’d be going round eating other sharks and large fish to show their superiority, but no. They eat plankton. I for one don’t think this diet befits such a monstrously sized shark, and intend to do something about it.”
TDJJ: “And how are you going to implement this theory?”
ST: “Well, I intend to catch a young male one, not too big because of the size of my boat, and take it to my lab. When under anaesthetic, with a little help from some of my struck-off surgeon friends, I’ll surgically insert several rows of razor sharp teeth onto its jawbone and show it images of live flesh while it’s in a semi comatose state, and if my theory is correct, the shark will become the fearsome hunter it should be when released back into its surroundings.”
TDJJ: “I understand that no one amongst your research group is prepared to help you on this experiment, they’ve spoken publicly about how this is one step too far after your tests on weaponising swordfish.”
ST: “It’s obvious that they’re not as forward thinking as me. That’s fine. I don’t want anyone holding me back. The thing they don’t seem to get is, when our shark is put back into its familiar waters, the female of the species will be intimidated yet aroused by its new enhancements, and won’t have any word in whether it wants to mate or not. That means more deadly whale sharks. And before long, the whale shark shall become the apex predator of the sea. Great whites will have no choice but to bow down. And that also means that new shark films will be made with these whale sharks as the main stars. They could even have one where they fight megalodons, which grew up to 65 feet in prehistoric times. I know people have come out to discredit me, but I’ll be the one laughing all the way to the bank, believe you me, as it’s my invention.”
TDJJ: “Do you see any possible issues at all with this plan? After all, none of your previous experiments were successful.”
ST: “The way I look at this, is I feel all the research from previous tests have all been leading to this one, in a way. Yeah, you mention the swordfish one, and there was also my plan to create a race of super jellyfish out of several smaller ones, but these perceived failings have only galvanised my resolve, and I learnt from an early age to never to give up, no matter what others might say. I shall pursue my dream and become the person that everyone will think of when they think of progress in marine evolution. They want to lock me up for this, but once the money starts rolling in from film and book deals, not to mention all the merchandise that I’m working on right now, everyone will realise that I was right all along.”
TDJJ: “Well, as I said, I have my concerns about your theory, as do many other welfare organisations around the world. If you do prove us wrong one day, I’ll be one of the first to congratulate you.”
ST: “That’s gracious of you. Here’s to progress!”
I end the interview there, as Mr Tallonewithglasses continued to down several shots of what looked like purple washing up liquid. He tried to stand up in order to get some more, but gave up after a few minutes and slumped back down, waving away my intended help.