By Resident farming Expert Giles Deodorant
A Devon farmer has angrily hit out at local police, after he woke early one morning recently that his entire flock of sheep had been seized. Jethro Videoseries has been a farmer all his life, on the same farm he inherited from his dad, Bod. And on that farm he had some sheep, which had been living there for many years, along with a bunch of cows, pigs and volatile geese. But all that changed when he heard a knock at the door early one morning, which he refused to get out of bed for, thinking it was just the wind. A decision he now regrets, thinking he would’ve been able to talk the police out of taking his sheep, that the situation was a simple misunderstanding. I spoke with Mr Videoseries while we went round a field in his tractor.
For the sake of authenticity, read Mr Videoseries’s words in a broad Devonshire farmer accent. He sounded like a movie pirate operating at 40%, and I therefore felt it would be too difficult to read if his dialect was written phonetically.
TDJJ: “Mr Videoseries, I know this is a difficult time right now, but it’s good that you still have a sense of duty, despite what’s happened. Have you heard anything new from the police?”
JV: “The sheep are still being held for questioning. I don’t how they’re doing it, they must have a translator or something.”
TDJJ: “So why do you think that this situation is just a mix up, an error on their part?”
JV: “Well, I noticed a letter on the floor that had been posted through by the police. I first thought the letter would be about the theft of my large £1 coin collection a few months ago, but it said something about suspected illegal gambling on the field, and the sheep are all suspects. But then I noticed the spelling of ‘gambling’ on the letter – G-A-M-B-L-I-N-G – it was the wrong one, not G-A-M-B-O-L-L-I-N-G, what sheep do on fields, so it felt a bit weird that such a company like the police could make an error like this. I’ve told them to reread the letter they sent me, but they said they couldn’t see the glaring mistake.
TDJJ: “Are you able to talk me through how you found out that your sheep had gone?”
JV: “Well, I was having my breakfast and mentally preparing myself for fighting past the geese in order to get the cows milked. But they were being noisier than usual that morning. I looked out the kitchen window and the fields looked emptier than usual. I ran out to have a better look. None of my sheep were there, just several piles of pound coins and chewed up pieces of card, which was weird. I checked the stables where I used to have horses, and all I could see were my row of fruit machines in one of the compartments. I’ve not played on them for a while, but they were switched on somehow. Maybe the police had a go. A bit unprofessional if you ask me.”
TDJJ: “How long have you had the machines?”
JV: “Well, after the horses and Bod mysteriously perished one night, I moved them in then, about two year ago now. The days are long, so between feeding the animals and other things that city folk won’t understand, I used to play on them to while away the hours. But now, without my £1 coin collection and sheep, I don’t know how I’m going to pass the time now. I used to show the sheep some simple card tricks and other parlour games in my downtime, they seemed to respond positively towards me, especially Molly and Larry.”
TDJJ: “I can tell that you care a great deal for the animals here.”
We continued in his tractor to the stable where his fruit machines are. It seemed that his reminiscing on better times had given Mr Videoseries the urge to play the machines again. We got out and approached them.
JV: “Watch the smell, it’ll get you if you inhale too much of it. Oh, that’s weird, the buttons have all been smashed, mud and hoof prints everywhere. What’s happened?”
TDJJ: “Do you think the sheep had been at them?”
JV: “Well, they did use to watch me playing with them, I always encouraged the others to watch whatever I was doing to them.”
Mr Videoseries got visibly upset and kicked one of the machines. A ton of £1 coins quickly cascaded onto the floor of hay. A sense of realisation hit his face.
JV: “Oh no, what have I created?”
Mr Videoseries raced to his kitchen and got a shotgun. I had to end the interview there as I ducked down into the nearby woods, crying and running, hearing his voice shouting that he’s getting his sheep.