By Political Correspondent Petey Twotimes

The British public once again woke up today with the news that the cost of the proposed gravy train is to rise yet again. The company behind the scheme, CorpulentFeline Inc, have issued several statements to try and justify their plan’s ever-spiralling cost on social media, but has seemed to have backfired. Demands to see a working prototype have been met with silence, which has in turn added to sceptics’ belief that the plan to make a train out of gravy to be a huge waste of time and money. Out of desperation, CorpulentFeline Inc’s boss Laurence Pucking-Sanker has agreed to speak with The Daily JabJab to clarify things. He met up with me in the company’s canteen.

LP-S: “Thanks for meeting me here. I daren’t go out again, I was egged when I went into Burger King earlier. Luckily there’s a Primark nearby so I was able to get another cheap suit.”

TDJJ: “No problem, I’m just here for the truth. So, what are your feelings on how the public have responded to yet another price rise for your scheme?”

LP-S: “Look, I know we live in uncertain times – jobs are on the line, work sectors are struggling due to financial insecurity, emergency services stretched to the limit, I get all that. But I believe once our train is up and running, the public will see that our hard work and dedication has paid off, and will no doubt restore confidence back in society.”

TDJJ: “When this scheme was first proposed, you publicly came out and said it would cost around two billion pounds, all in. Cut to now, less that a year later, it now looks as though it’ll cost over £10 billion. The public just want to know where the extra money is going to come from, and how the cost has quintupled in such a short amount of time.”

LP-S: “Listen, we can all go around throwing out quotes about costs, and who supposedly said what and when. The fact people seem to forget is, we have generated over 40 new jobs for this scheme, everyone’s being paid six figures for their hard work and dedication in order to get this gravy-based train up and running. People should instead be thinking long term, thinking about the money which will no doubt be generated from tourists who would surely love seeing a full sized train consisting of gravy, and will pay handsomely to travel from city to city on it.”

TDJJ: “Can you comment on the leaked rumours that the delay is down to repeated failures in getting the train to retain its shape due to the very material its made out of?”

LP-S: “Okay, yes, I’ll admit that there’s been a few minor hitches along the way. We’ve since brought in a few celebrity chefs as advisors, and I believe we’ve isolated some of the main problems.”

TDJJ: “Are there any working prototypes? I’m sure you know that there’s a lot of scepticism due to the lack of evidence of any real progress. There’s been no videos released, just a few badly-Photoshopped images with blurry clip art people.”

LP-S: “There are working prototypes, but we’ve been advised not to release anything as it looks like the train is made out of a different material in the footage.”

TDJJ: “Is this train still going to be able to run on existing train lines, as you have personally promised?”

LP-S: “You know, a lot of people have said a lot of things. We want this train to be faster than any other train out there. Whether or not it’d work on the current infrastructure remains to be seen.”

TDJJ: “But you must understand, if new tracks are to be built, the costs will rise to an even more obscene level; It’d probably be cheaper to buy an actual country.”

LP-S: “Well, we’ve all got to tighten our belts in these times. Again, people aren’t looking at the end result. No other country is doing anything like this. There’s always going to be people out there saying that it’s foolish to even think about making a dozen carriage train out of gravy, let alone to make it operational. If people like us didn’t bravely spend a lot of time and money on progress, well, we’d all still be living in the dark ages.”

TDJJ: “So, with all that being said, when do you think this scheme will be finally be up and running?”

LP-S: “Come back in five years, then we’ll talk.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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