By Marketing Correspondent Francisco Iguanodon

The advert for Death-U-Win, a company which specializes in life insurance and compensation for family members, has been pulled from television following a single complaint. The banning of the commercial is seen as the last straw for the executive behind the campaign, Melvin Diesel, who reportedly had to be frogmarched out of the Advertising Standard Authority’s headquarters after another one of his infamous stunts. I spoke with Mr Diesel outside his sports car to get his side of the story. We’re stood outside as he’s sure he dropped his keys during the evacuation, and has since been ordered not to contact the ASA again.

TDJJ: “So, Melvin, for the benefit of those who don’t watch TV between three and four in the morning when the advert aired, can you please outline what the complaint was about?”

MD: “Apparently, it’s unrealistic to show people having an in-depth conversation about life insurance whilst eating breakfast, then listing every benefit of applying to Death-U-Win. It took me ages to write that, and we had decent actors. You get a free pen!”

TDJJ: “How do you feel, since been put on probation over the ASA incident, about the ban after just one complaint?”

MD: “They had it in for me. I wrote a great script based on the leaflet the company gave me, but those ASA bastards just can’t accept that I’m still able to secure a regional slot on TV, that I still have power. It’s just jealousy, no doubt about it.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel that repeatedly hitting some of their staff at an awards ceremony before the ban had anything to do with their decision?”

MD: “They were just waiting for me to slip up. I was drunk that night. I had just won an illegal street race about half an hour before I got to the show. I’m entitled to celebrate with my advertising peers, aren’t I? We’re like a family in this industry.”

TDJJ: “I’ll be honest, I had to do a bit of research on your career, I don’t know much about advertising executives. I see that you’ve done similar things when filming all over the world – Brazil, for example.”

MD: “That was an advert for some coffee company. I had the actor read the entire ingredients and I decided to put some samba music on there to make it more exciting. We had a disagreement on set, he thought he saw me trying to steal the massive safe from his house the night before, asked me about it during a break. Luckily I had my knife with me or the fight would’ve been longer.”

TDJJ: “The list goes on, the discretions get more and more outlandish. This, according to the ASA, was your final chance. What are your plans now? You said you’re like a family, the advert executives, but haven’t they blacklisted you now?”

MD: “I’ve got a friend bringing me a crowbar later on. I’m then gonna get in my car and challenge fellow motorists for money, though due to things I’m not allowed out of this town. And I can’t be out later than nine pm.”

TDJJ: “Do you think you’ll you miss advertising?”

MD: “I don’t need it now. Well, not the traditional TV side of it. The thing is, I’m glad you brought up the stuff in Brazil, you reminded me of something. I got a plan…”

TDJJ: “I’m guessing this plan is illegal.”

MD: “The cops who momentarily arrested me in Brazil were a bit too unprofessional in my eyes. I was thinking maybe I can get together a team, some other disgruntled former pillars of society, ex-cops, codebreakers, people like that, go to Brazil and start solving some crimes over there. Maybe bring down Drug barons or something. Then, instead of the cops arresting me as soon as I step foot again on their soil, as I’m sure they’d want to do, we’d form an uneasy alliance as I slowly but surely win their trust, clear my name.”

TDJJ: “Would you want me to include all that information when this interview goes live? That’s your illegal-sounding plan right there.”

MD: “Yeah, bring it on! They can’t stop me from advertising. I’m advertising me! My plans! Me and my plans!”

I end the talk there, thank him for the time. And as you see, his plan has indeed been advertised. But by me. I walk off leaving him there, waiting for his crowbar. Just a few more hours he says. He accepted my 70p for a can of supermarket lager.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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