CHILD’S THEORY ON HISTORY OF EXISTENCE CAUSES CONTROVERSIAL INQUIRY AT SCHOOL

By Education Correspondent Vinny “Claw” Hammer

Teachers at St. Ironfist Primary School in Barnet have recently relented to a pupil’s insistence that the existence of all things began in 1954. Little Bryan Panda, who’s nearly 5, came to this conclusion when he found out that his Grandad Ern was born in 1954. As Ern is the oldest person he knows, he reasons, nothing happened before him. Despite teachers using reference books and documentaries to prove otherwise, he had none of it, and after a few weeks they gave up and accepted the child’s theory. I spoke with Bryan at his home with his mum Rita, as we watched cartoons while consuming Frazzles and discount lemonade.

TDJJ: “Bryan, how’s school been since all the media – the people with the cameras – have been camping outside both the school and your house?”

BP: “It’s been okay. People talk to me a lot, older kids want to be my friend, like [name removed on legal advice] but I don’t like him because he’s got weird feet.”

RP: “I made a mistake of chasing a few photographers off a few days ago. There was an, erm, clothing malfunction. I just hope that Bryan doesn’t see the photos in the papers.”

TDJJ: “I’ve been made aware of a few websites that have since popped up because of what happened. It’s my job to research things like this. So, Bryan, I take it there’s nothing anyone can say to change your mind over the beginning of existence?”

BP: “No, Grandad is the oldest thing ever.”

TDJJ: “Well, I’m sure he’ll be flattered to hear that! Have you spoken to him about all this?”

BP: “He laughs, but doesn’t say no about it.”

TDJJ: “I notice there’s a big tree in your garden. Is that older than your Grandad?”

BP: “No!”

TDJJ: “What about dinosaurs?”

BP: “They’re in the underground, dead.”

TDJJ: “Do you think they ever walked the earth at any point?”

BP: “Don’t know. They do in cartoons but they’re not real because they talk and dinosaurs can’t talk.”

RP: “Sorry about this, we’ve exhausted every argument we can think of.”

TDJJ: “That’s okay. So, what do you think is gonna happen with your teachers at school because of what’s happened?”

BP: “[Name removed on legal advice] said they’re going to jail, the school books are no good any more.”

TDJJ: “And how does that make you feel?”

BP: “I like some of the teachers but they lied in the books and they’re going to die.”

RP: “Bryan! Stop saying that word! Say sorry to the man.”

BP: “Don’t want to.”

TDJJ: “Oh, it’s okay, it’s an emotional time for everyone… are the teachers really going to be arrested?”

RP: “I think Ofsted are getting involved, there’s talk of having a big meeting whether they should get rid of the offending books or just the teachers.”

I become aware that the cartoon has just finished, and Bryan gets emotional as a result. I thank them both for the time and crisps, but apologise I couldn’t finish the lemonade, tastes like washing up liquid.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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