By Resident Tech Expert Dr. Kid Grout
The most popular word on every UK citizen’s mind over the last few years is Brexit. No matter where you look, from the House of Lords to local playgrounds, there’s still debate and uncertainty about it to this day. This in turn has caused a lot of confusion, panic, and apathy. One person who used to be a confused panicking apathy-er (?) is 54-year old Lionel Unkempt, an expert in his field when it comes to roadside burgers. I spoke with him while eating one of his trademark meals, burger with leek and soil, on a motorway lay-by a mile or so away from Rotherham, to find out why he’s entering UK’s future with a newfound confidence.
TDJJ: “You must be one of the only few people who seems to have no worries whatsoever when Brexit actually happens. What’s the secret to your blissful state of mind, while most other people are looking all nervous?”
LU: “Well, the other other day whilst in a rare lull in burger activity, I thought to myself, if things go to the dogs when Brexit hits, what’s the main thing that would affect people the most? I spend a lot of time on the internet, and I know I’m not the only one because of the amount of views on certain videos. So I thought that if I downloaded the internet myself, if the worst comes to the worst and the internet shuts up shop, at least everyone would still be able to get it from me. I’ll be able to name my price.”
TDJJ: “Okay… Do you know how much storage space you’d need to do this? There’s about two billion websites out there, and around 300 YouTube videos are uploaded every minute. Not day, minute.”
LU: “To be honest, a lot of the internet isn’t that good. I mean, everyone knows all the main animals, so you don’t need anything like that. And who cares about boats? I’m making a list of all the pointless stuff, not gonna bother wasting time with getting them. Same thing with YouTube and other video sites. If I’m not into it, it’s not gonna happen.”
TDJJ: “You’d still need a lot of storage, surely?”
LU: “Due to my thriving burger van franchise and surprisingly high credit rating, I know I can probably get all the credit cards. I’ll just max them out by getting as many computers and external hard drives as possible. I’m no maths expert, but I reckon that’d be enough. Thing is, my internet provider might want to have a word for downloading it all but come Brexit time, they might find themselves out of a job, so won’t be there to send me a letter out. I win, any way you care to look at it.”
TDJJ: “But with your business taking up at least half of your waking hours, what are your plans for finding time to do all this?”
LU: “I’ve always got a laptop in the van, piggybacking someone’s internet connection from some nearby industrial estate. It’s the first thing I check when deciding where to set up stall. If push comes to shove, I’ll just have to limit my sleep to catnaps so I can keep swapping the hard drives around during the downloading. With all the money that I’d eventually be raking in from doing this, it’d be a small sacrifice.”
TDJJ: “And finally, how much have you downloaded so far?
LU: “I started with the erotic stuff, got to make sure that’s all safe. Just a few more categories to go, nothing too weird, just that there’s loads of it. I’m mixing this up with lots of car information and football trivia. I’ve got to think of women as well, you never know who I’ll get with next, so I got a couple of articles each on Tom Hardy and shoes. I also intend to download as many accident videos as I can, it’s proper funny to show your mates in the pub. I’ve seen people do that.”
I end the interview there as a queue was forming behind me. I ask him for more brown sauce as the soil is a bit harsh on my palate. He’s was too busy to reply so I just took the bottle and left.